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On the one hand, we have Oneechanbara: a ridiculously exploitative zombie-slaying romp full of bikinis
and swords. On the other, we have “Japanese-designed horror games set in contemporary America,”
like Dead Rising or Parasite Eve. You decapitate one, stick its head on the other’s confused,
shambling corpse, and add an extra dash of pure, undiluted WTF, and you get Lollipop
Chainsaw. A game that’s more about *** innuendo, pop culture tropes, and raw absurdism
than piddling details like gameplay or graphics or controls that don’t make you want to
stab a kitten. It’s tough to manufacture a cult classic, but if anyone could, it’d
be that blasted Suda 51.
Juliet’s a girl on a mission: It’s her 18th birthday (OF COURSE IT IS) and she’s
gotta rendez-vous in the park with her sweetheart. Unfortunately, her travels are beset on every
side by zombies (OF COURSE IT IS) which means she’s gotta bust out her chainsaw and get
to slayin’, while subconsciously assuming any number of cheesecake-ish poses. (OF COURSE
SHE DOES.) After fighting through the prologue stage and rescuing a couple classmates (Who
fantasize about their savior wearing even less) (OF COURSE THEY DO), she finally reaches
Nicky... who’s been bitten and infected. (OF COURSE HE WAS.) Fortunately, Juliet’s
position as zombie-slayer gives her some occult powers, so she decapitates her boyfriend and
relegates him to the position of ***-ornament and F-Bomb machine. (Honestly. In his position,
would you do anything differently?) And then it’s back to painting the walls of San Romero
High School with blood, and yes, I see what they did there.
Here’s the problem: The gameplay, especially when compared to the katana-swinging antics
of Oneechanbara or the tinkertoy carnage of Dead Rising, feels slow and clunky. And that
might be fine for a more genuine Survival Horror game, but here it just falls flat.
The graphics hiccup from time to time, the controls are miserable (despite the lock-on
system), and the early game leaves Juliet feeling severely underpowered. Unless you
hit the right trigger, which puts her into sparkle something-or-other mode, and lets
you one-shot damn near anything. But despite all my frustration... I couldn’t stop laughing.
At the pithy comments shouted by the shambling horde. Every time “Hey Mickey” by Toni
Basil started playing. (And that happens A LOT.) At the abject absurdity of it all. This
is a game I’m not proud to like, but I like it all the same, if only for its sheer audacity
and demented sense of humor. This doesn’t go on the shelf next to Resident Evil. This
goes on the shelf next to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Ghostbusters, and Shaun of
the Dead.