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What are you doing?
I'm writing my will.
After I'm gone, I don't want you
and Bear fighting over my ***.
Or any of my other stuff.
Planning on going somewhere?
We all go some time, mate.
How's it coming?
Let's see.
Uh, they're saying
Jenna violated her contract
by fondling her ***
on a live newscast
while wrecked out
of her mind on drugs.
What they don't realize is
nothing.
They realize everything.
But she didn't know she
ate candy with pot in it.
She still doesn't.
Ignorance
is nine tenths of the law.
- That's possession.
- She wasn't
charged with possession, Ryan.
I thought you were
a good lawyer.
How did you win all those
cases at your father's firm?
I cheated.
Go on.
I prepared two files.
One with a solid
legal strategy.
And if that didn't work,
I'd go to my black file.
It was filled with whatever
dark secrets I could find
and use against the opposition.
Great! So where's the
black file for this case?
There isn't going to be one.
I did terrible things, Wilfred.
I messed with peoples' lives.
I'm not going there again.
Don't be a ***.
This is
your chance to get Jenna.
- She's engaged.
- No.
She's thinking about it.
That's like worse
than a "no.
"
Well, so you're saying
if I save Jenna's job,
she'll dump Drew for me?
Ryan, you've seen
what I'm capable of.
You do whatever it
takes to win, just this once,
and I'll do whatever it takes
to get you Jenna.
There is no "just this once.
"
You do one bad thing,
and it leads to another,
and before you know it, you're
forgetting who you really are.
It's a slippery slope.
It's only slippery if you don't
have someone to hold on to.
Why are you here?
Excuse me?
I always figured you were
looking out for me, but now
you want me to do something
I know is bad for me.
You're tired.
Why don't you
- call it a night?
- I need some answers, Wilfred.
I can't keep ignoring the fact
that none of this
makes any sense!
Can we take the emotion
out of this, please?
Can we just be two adults
having a conversation?
What are you?
Who are you?
Why are you?
I can't tell you.
- Why not?
- They're listening.
What? Who?
Shh, shh, shh.
♪
Are you sure you want to know?
Yeah, this is a joke.
It's not.
Ryan, remember the
night before we met?
The pills you took?
Yes.
They worked, mate.
I'm sorry, Ryan.
They worked.
You must have noticed
things here are different.
***'s a little off, right?
Am I?
No.
You're somewhere in between.
Your future depends
on the outcome
of that settlement
meeting tomorrow.
If Jenna gets her job back,
well, you get to move on.
So-so none of this
is really happening?
Everything on the
island is real,
but the rest is an illusion.
- What island?
- Uh, forget that last bit.
- Wilfred!
- Shh! Smoke monster!
I've seen Lost, Wilfred.
What did you think
of the ending?
Why can't I get a straight
answer out of you?
Come on, Ryan!
These are big
existential questions.
Best left for boring
Russian novelists
and teenagers on acid.
Real people don't
think about this ***!
Just find a way
to save that girl.
Then she'll be yours.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am gonna summon up
my own smoke monster.
And when your station's
traffic reporter,
Inez Delgado, had
an on-air nip slip,
all she got was a
slap on the wrist.
And 600,000 hits
on YouTube.
So what?
He's alleging
reverse discrimination.
Yup, trendy.
If that's all you've got, then
I'll take my chances in court.
Mr.
St.
Cloud, please.
You know how much pressure
there is for on-air talent.
You were a meteorologist.
I was a weatherman, son.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have
to go to a charity walk-a-thon
and hug some clefties.
Uh, I'm a little disappointed,
Newman.
Some of the guys in my firm
actually warned me about you.
Apparently, you used
to have quite the reputation.
Called you the, um-- what
was it-- the Anthropologist
- or some *** like that.
- The Archaeologist.
Well, um, maybe
you'd have better luck
in that line of work.
Look,
you know a local TV
personality like Mr.
St.
Cloud
has a full schedule of
public appearances
But for his own good,
I think he should reconsider.
Please.
Full reinstatement.
Oh.
Thank you.
I don't even want to know
how you got those documents.
No, you do not.
You said you'd deliver
Jenna if I won.
You took that seriously?
Dude, Jenna's not
a meat-lover's pizza
I can have delivered
in 30 minutes or less.
Hey, you know what
sounds good right now?
Chinese.
- So you lied?
- I did not lie.
I Wilfred-lied.
You manipulated me.
No.
I Wilfred-manipulated you.
Hey, don't be mad, mate.
Why would I be mad?
You taught me a
valuable lesson today.
If I really want something,
I have to do whatever it takes.
And I want Jenna.
Ryan, I think
you might be slipping down
that slope we talked about.
I don't need your help.
Just stay out of my way.
Ryan.
Wait.
I was wrong.
I do want pizza! Ryan!
Brought a little champagne
for the victory brunch, bro.
I can't thank you enough.
Oh, you officially just did.
No more thank yous,
please.
Come on in.
Hors d'oeuvres on the porch.
Uh, rude.
- You weren't invited.
- Yeah.
I'm sure that was
just an oversight.
It wasn't.
Look, I know we ended things
on a sour note yesterday, and
we never did get that pizza.
But I was just trying
to make a point.
All that underhanded
Machiavellian ***--
that's just not you.
That's not what you were saying
at the settlement meeting.
That was a one-time thing.
You don't want to win
Jenna's heart that way.
Hey, what the hell
are they doing here?
Well, it's my celebration.
Why wouldn't I
invite my family?
Hang on.
You smell funny.
You smell like conniving.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Mr.
Patel, I'm so glad
you could make it.
Now the party can begin.
Just show me to the ***,
crackerjack.
I'm just so happy to share
this special day with you,
and Drew and your family
and Mr.
Patel.
To Ryan.
Ryan.
Who's Ryan?
I don't know what
you're up to, Ryan,
but I've got my nose
and ears on you.
And my eyes, too, I guess,
but frankly, my vision's
pretty ***.
Hey, I just want to say,
I'm really proud of you.
I always knew you were
an amazing lawyer,
but you really
Kristen, did I introduce you
- to my neighbor yet?
- Um, yeah.
Like, three times.
Mr.
Patel was
a nuclear engineer in, uh
India.
Really?
You know, my wife's thinking
about traveling to India.
She wants to deliver
babies with Arturo.
Sorry.
Dr.
Ramos.
- Leo.
- God, that's right.
I didn't even think about that.
You know, I'd be
curious to find out
what Mr.
Patel thinks
of his homeland.
Would you describe it as clean?
Allow me to answer your
question with a question.
Do you like garbage everywhere?
Yes.
You like puddles of
diarrhea in the street?
Uh, duh.
Do you like seeing
dead, decaying animals
wherever you go?
Holy ***! Is this
India place real?
You're an ***, Leo.
Let me get us some more wine.
Very clever, Ryan.
Figured out my plan, did you?
No.
But if you think
I'm just gonna stand
by and watch you
Bubbles! One, two,
three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine
I owe my career to you,
but I still don't understand
why I freaked out.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I just don't get how
two people end up like this.
I mean, when they got
engaged, they were so in love.
Guess you just never know.
Sorry.
I didn't
mean to burden you.
No, not at all.
It's just sad.
Whoo-hoo!
All right, as I was saying,
you can't treat these
people like bloody pieces
in some twisted game of chess.
Don't even think about it.
Ryan, I swear to God,
if you blow
one more bubbles, whoo-hoo!
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, en
eight, nine, ten.
Just leave them in the sink.
Hey, now you're talking.
Hmm, by the way,
congratulations.
Duh.
You're getting married, bro.
Yeah, well,
she hasn't exactly
said yes yet.
I'm still giving her some
time to think about it.
Oh.
That's rough, with
- What?
- The noon news.
I mean, Jenna's going
to be a celebrity.
I mean, if I were
you, I would do
everything I could
to seal the deal
before the cameras
start rolling again,
but that's just me.
Looking for this?
So you're using
Mr.
Patel to drive a wedge
between your sister
and her husband
so you can dangle their failed
marriage before Jenna's eyes.
It's an evil game
you're playing.
Don't get me wrong--
it's brilliant,
but you're on that
slippery slope,
Ryan, and any minute
Bubbles!
*** you, Ryan.
Are you gonna move out here?
Do you expect me
to move back to Wisconsin?
We can figure all
of that out later,
but I can't keep waiting
around like this.
Jenna, you need to tell
me now-- yes or no.
Now.
Okay, no.
Ooh,
ouch.
Dodging a bullet there, pal.
Ugh, you're disgusting.
I'm waiting in the car.
No, I'm waiting in the car.
The e-vite said 1:00 to 5:00.
I've got two more hours.
I am not leaving.
Hope you're proud
of yourself, Ryan.
I'm gonna be up all night
licking Jenna's tears.
Know what all that
sodium's going to do
to my blood pressure?
This is nothing
compared to some
of the *** you've pulled.
Yeah, but you' not me.
You're a good person,
and you're a person.
You're turning into a guy
I don't even recognize.
Christ, you take all
the fun out of bubbles.
All you have to do is
sign the settlement,
and it's back
to the anchor desk.
I know things
have been difficult,
but I just want you
to know I'm here for you.
You always are, aren't you?
Hey, what do you say
we go to dinner?
We don't have to talk
about work or Drew.
It'll just be the two of us
having a good time.
I'd love that.
Wait, we never
discussed a drug test.
Insurance company requires it.
You got a problem with that?
I've never taken
a drug in my life.
Wilfred!
Don't mind me, I'm just
finishing up my will,
then I'm gone.
Now you'll know what to do
if anything happens to me.
- Good-bye, Ryan.
- Jenna's in trouble.
- What's happened?
- The station's sending over
an insurance rep
tomorrow to give her
a drug test, which means
We have to disembowel
the insurance rep.
What? No, w-we need clean pee.
You didn't let me finish, Ryan.
We need to disembowel the
insurance representative.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
Leo and I are going through
a, uh, pretty rough patch.
Oh, don't swear it.
More coffee?
No, I'm good.
Anyway, um, I've decided
not to go to India.
Well, I'm sure
that's for the best.
I think so, too.
I have to stay here so we can
work things out, you know.
I really do love him,
it's just, um
Uh, Arturo and
I had an affair.
It was months ago.
- It was just, just one time.
- Does Leo know?
No, it would kill him.
Ryan, Ryan!
Ryan!
Uh
Finish your coffee.
The insurance rep
arrived early.
Do you have Kristen's ***?
I haven't been able to ask
her yet.
You need to stall.
As we speak, Jenna
is squeezing out
the last golden droplets of
her once promising career.
Okay, don't let that rep leave
until I can make the switch.
You think you can handle that?
God, it's such a relief to
tell someone about Arturo.
- You're the only person
- I need urine.
- What? - I need you
to pee in this cup now.
Uh, that's not how I expected
this conversation to go.
I've got a client
facing a drug test,
and she's not going to pass
if I don't get her
some clean pee.
What, you're serious?
Ryan, this is the
same kind of thing
- that nearly got you disbarred.
- I know,
- but it's just this once.
- It's fraud,
Ryan, I won't do it.
If you don't, I'll tell Leo
about you and Dr.
Ramos.
Who are you?
I'm sorry, but I'm desperate.
Call Leo.
Please.
Hello.
Four years of college, and
now you're a *** collector?
- I bet your parents are real proud.
- Wilfred!
God, I'm sorry, I don't know
what's gotten into him.
Wilfred, come.
I'm gonna lose Jenna,
and it's all your fault.
What the hell good are you?
You're the one who told me
to do whatever it takes.
Well, damn it, do
whatever it takes now.
You're right.
I'm so sorry, Ryan.
Wilfred!
Wilfred!
Wilfred!
Wilfred.
Uh, I'm gonna go get my keys.
It worked.
You can get up now.
Wilfred?
Wilfred!
So, still no word
from the doctor.
That was the insurance rep.
She said I passed
the drug test.
That's great.
Congratulations.
I guess we'll have
to wait to celebrate.
She also said I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God, look, Jenna
No, this is good news.
I should call Drew.
I guess I'm getting
married after all.
Jenna, wait.
Kristen, listen,
I-I have to
You've got nothing to
hold over my head anymore.
I just told Leo about my
affair, and he left me,
so I am going to India,
and by the way,
you're dead to me.
Good news.
He's going to be okay.
How you doing, buddy?
I don't know if you
can hear me, but
I've ruined everything.
You tried to warn me
and I wouldn't listen.
I forgot who I was.
I know why you're here now.
To stop me from slipping
down that slope.
Please, Wilfred, I need
you to pull me back up.
I need your help.
Who are you?
Wilfred, it's me.
Help.
There's a stranger in my room!!
- Nurse!
- Wilfred, I don't know what to do.
- Nurse!
- Tell me what to do.
- I don't know you.
- You're upsetting the dog.
- You need to leave.
- I don't know you!
- Tell me what to do.
- Get out!
What are you doing?
I'm writing my will.
Now you'll know what to do
if anything happens to me.