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>> RACHEL AND LIZ: Ha ha...
>> BEN: Hey guys! Guess what!
>> RACHEL and LIZ: What?
>> BEN: Turns out I can't eat just one!
>> RACHEL AND LIZ: Oh Ben!
>> BEN: Ha! I have a problem.
>> BOSSMAN: Ben, you're hired!
>> BEN: ...and?
>> BOSSMAN: And you can have your own office too!
>> SEXY SALES ASSOCIATE: That shirt'll look great on you.
>> BEN: ...and?
>> SEXY SALES ASSOCIATE: And... Here’s my number.
>> WIFE: Hi honey. I made chicken Parmesan tonight.
>> BEN: ...and?
>> BOSSMAN: Ben... I hate to have to do this, but uh... we’re going
to have to let you go.
>> BEN: ...and?
>> BOSSMAN: And? And you’re fired, Mr. Henson. I’m sorry but that's the way it's gotta
be.
>> BEN: ...and?
>> BOSSMAN: You’re fired!
>> BEN: ...and?
>> BOSSMAN: And you’re getting tossed out by security! Security!
>> SEXY SALES ASSOCIATE: You’re married?!
>> BEN: ...and?
>> SEXY SALES ASSOCIATE: And get out of here!
>> WIFE: You were having an affair?!
>> BEN: ...and?
>> WIFE: And I'm leaving you!
>> BEN: ...and?
>> WIFE: And I’m keeping the kids!
>> BEN: ...AND?!
>> WIFE: And I’m keeping the house!
>> BEN: That’s (bleep) terrible.
>> VOICEOVER: Coke Zero. 'Cause why the (bleep) not?
>> ALAN: Ugh.
>> MATT: What?
>> ALAN: Huh? Oh. That Khloe Kardashian chick is such a ***.
>> MATT: What?
>> ALAN: Hm? Oh. Nevermind.
>> NICOLE: So what do you guys wanna do?
>> ALAN: Meh.
>> MATT: We could play Mario Party.
>> ALAN: Oh that is such bull (bleep)! Every time I want to play Mario Party, you're like
'no, Alan, you can't play Mario Party with just two people, that's stupid!'
>> MATT: Yeah, playing Mario Party with only two people is stupid.
>> ALAN: And three isn’t?!
>> MATT: Hmmm. You’re right. I guess four would be better. Who
can we call?
>> NICOLE: Well, I was thinking of texting Sarah. She should be off work by now. Maybe
she could play.
>> MATT: Not Sarah...
>> NICOLE: What’s wrong with Sarah?
>> MATT: Nothing... it’s just uh... Well, okay, do you remember last week when we went
to the beach? And I asked to borrow her sunscreen because I was stupid and left mine at home
and she was all like 'No, Matt! You always use too much and this stuff is expensive!
'Uh... Stingy.
>> NICOLE: A. She is not stingy. You DO use too much sunscreen. B.
I’m texting her anyways. And, C. She does NOT sound like
that.
>> MATT: Uh, yeah she does.
>> ALAN: Oh, she absolutely does. Do you remember last New
Years when I tried to give her a kiss, and she was all like 'No Alan! You can't give
me a kiss! Your breath smells like a blooming onion!' Pfft.
>> MATT: Dude, she doesn’t sound like that.
>> ALAN: No... I was doing the same voice as you!
>> MATT: Mmm... Nooooo, mine was more on point. Yours was way off.
>> ALAN: Pfft! No, dude, I got that voice down to like a science!
>> MATT: Repeat after me, okay? Hi, Alan. My name’s Sarah. I’m a stingy ***!
>> NICOLE: She does not say that!
>> MATT: She should! Ok, try it. My name’s Sarah! I’m a stingy ***!
>> ALAN: Uh. My name’s Sarah! I’m a stingy-
>> MATT: No no no, like this. My.
>> ALAN: My.
>> MATT: Name’s.
>> ALAN: Name’s.
>> MATT: No! Goddammit Alan, what's wrong with you? It’s more high pitched than that.
And get the resonance out of your throat. What’s wrong with you? It's in the nasal
cavity, like this. Stingy ***!
>> ALAN: Stingy- Stingy ***.
>> MATT: No. Stingy.
>> ALAN: Stingy-
>> MATT: Stingy ***!
>> ALAN: Stingy!
>> MATT: No! No! Stingy ***!
>> ALAN: Stingy ***!
>> MATT: No! No! Get it this time! Stingy ***!
>> ALAN: Um. My name’s Sarah and I’m a stingy ***!
>> MATT: You got it! Hey Sarah.
>> SARAH: What are you guys talking about?
>> NICOLE: Yeah, what are you guys talking about?
>> MATT: Oh, you know. Just uh... shooting the (bleep).
>> ALAN: Yeah... just uh... you know... (bleep)... shooting...
>> SARAH: Ok, then... Hey Nicole.
>> NICOLE: Hey, Sarah.
>> MATT: Sooooo... Sarah... how was work?
>> SARAH: Work was okay, I guess. Except this one guy tried to hit on me as I cashing him
out and I was all like back off man, I’ve got a boyfriend.
>> ALAN: Woah woah woah woah, Sarah... You've got a boyfriend?
>> SARAH: Duh, Alan. I've introduced you to Richard! Remember at the New Years party before
you tried to make out with me?
>> ALAN: Um, A. That was just a New Year’s peck. B. I've never met this person. And C.
You said the reason you wouldn't kiss me was because my breath smelled like blooming onion.
>> SARAH: It did smell like onion!
>> ALAN: Well what did his smell like?!
>> NICOLE: Guys! Stop fighting. We’re supposed to be hanging out.
>> MATT: So... Sarah... Has anyone ever told you, you sound
really weird?
>> SARAH: What!?
>> NICOLE: Matt!
>> ALAN: Well I mean, you wouldn’t exactly say it sounds normal...
>> MATT: Oh certainly not normal. No, it's more like a... record being scratched by some
old lady’s fake nails. Yeah, I believe that’s an accurate description.
>> SARAH: Oh, screw you both! I’m gonna be in the bathroom!
>> NICOLE: Matt! You are such an ***!
>> MATT: What? It was just a bit of fun!
>> NICOLE: You two are so immature. Sarah’s really nice, and you
guys are treating her like trash!
>> MATT: Well, if the shoe fits...
>> NICOLE: And stop doing that! She does NOT sound like that!
>> ALAN: Actually, she totally does.
>> NICOLE: *** you, Alan!
>> ALAN: Nevermind... I... mmm...
>> MATT: She kind of totally does.
>> NICOLE: Oh, okay. Well what if I started making fun of you, huh? How would you feel
then?
>> MATT: Go ahead. I’m perfect. Take your best shot.
>> NICOLE: Hi. My name's Matt! I make fun of others because I have an inferiority complex.
Meh!
>> MATT: I um... I don’t sound like that.
>> NICOLE: I surround myself with people I think are lower than me to
make myself feel better. Meh!
>> ALAN: Heh heh heh heh!
>> MATT: That’s funny but, I don’t sound like that.
>> ALAN: Mm, yeah, actually, you do sound like that.
>> MATT: What? I do NOT!
>> ALAN: Sometimes.
>> NICOLE: Especially when you get mad.
>> MATT: I do not! That’s bull (bleep)!
>> ALAN: That’s bull (bleep)!
>> NICOLE: Uh... that’s not really it, Alan.
>> ALAN: No, no, that was- that was the same voice. That’s bull (bleep)!
>> MATT: I don’t sound like either of you!
>> ALAN: I don’t sound like either of you!
>> MATT:(bleep) you Alan!
>> NICOLE:(bleep) you Alan!
>> MATT: Shut up!
>> NICOLE: Shut up!
>> MATT: Both of you need to shut up I do not sound like that! Meh! God, I totally sound
like that.
>> ALAN: Yeah you kinda do, yeah.
>> SARAH: Well, this party really died. Come on Nicole! Let’s go to the boardwalk and
chase ducks around.
>> NICOLE: Yeah, ok.
>> SARAH: Later boys!
>> ALAN: So, Matt. What do I sound like?
>> MATT: Like an ***, Alan.
>> BEAR: I'm sorry, your door was unlocked, so I just let myself in. So, how do you want
to do this?
>> PETER: What the hell! What are you wearing?
>> BEAR: I’m a bear. That’s what you ordered. Now what do you
want me to do?
>> PETER: No, there's been some mistake, um... I ordered... A burly bear.
>> BEAR: Tsk. So? I can be burly. Watch me lift this couch!
>> PETER: Hey! Hey!
>> BEAR: Oh yeah, huh? You like that, hmm? Bet you're turned on right now, huh? I’m
like a mother lifting a bus to save her child. Do you wanna do me?
>> PETER: Not even slightly!
>> BEAR: Huh. What the hell, man? I drove all the way from ***
Burgaw! You better meet me halfway here!
>> PETER: I... it's just... This is really isn’t doing it for me. I mean... you’re
cute and all but... do you even know what a burly bear is?
>> BEAR: It sounds like cereal...?
>> PETER: It isn’t.
>> BEAR: Yeah, I didn’t think so.
>> PETER: A burly bear is a big, hairy, macho man that likes to uhh...
>> BEAR: Oh! Ha... Cool! Yeah... See, I think that there’s been a mistake because I’m-
>> PETER: Yup.
>> BEAR: And you...
>> PETER: Yup.
>> BEAR: So we can’t-
>> PETER: Well...
>> BEAR: Well?
>> PETER: I mean, you drove all the way from Burgaw, what the hell?
>> BEAR: Alright! Ahem. So, how do we do this? Oh!
>> PETER: How’s this?
>> BEAR: Yeah! I’m real turned on right now.
>> PETER: Heck yeah! The anticipation is just unbearable. Um, oh. I know! I’m gonna mess
with your cubs.
>> BEAR: Oh, that makes me so angry.
>> PETER: What are you gonna do about it?
>> BEAR: Mmm... I’m gonna maul you.
>> PETER: You- you’re gonna maul me?
>> BEAR: Yeah, I'm gonna maul you. Mmm, so hard!
>> PETER: OWWWWW!
>> BEAR: What? You think you’re some big tough guy, huh? Picking on some defenseless
baby cubs, like that, huh?
>> PETER: What!? Ooh!
>> BEAR: And what the (bleep) is that!?
>> PETER: What?
>> BEAR: That! Mother (bleep)! What is it?!
>> PETER: That’s my bear skin rug! Oh! It's fake!
>> BEAR: Oh! So you think it's cool to put some of my fake friends on your floor like
a *** trophy?! What am I to you, Peter, just another one of your conquests?!
>> PETER NO! What are you-
>> BEAR: What if I return the favor, huh? What if I go to the store and pick up a brand
spankin’ new Peter-skin rug, huh? Would you like that, Peter? Do you wanna be my rug,
Peter? Do you wanna be my rug? RAWR! RAWR!
>> PETER: I’m sorry! I don’t want to be your rug!
>> BEAR: What was that?
>> PETER: I said I’m sorry.
>> BEAR: You're sorry, who?
>> PETER: I'm sorry... master?
>> BEAR: That’s right. Now get your sexy *** into the bedroom, mister!
>> ROBERT DOWNY JR: I’m just not the, uh, the hero type. Clearly. With this, uh, laundry
list of character defects, all the mistakes I’ve made, largely public…The truth is,
I am Iron Man.
>> REPORTERS:(indistinct background chatter)
>> JOHNNY STORM: Heh. I am Iron Man. Heh-heh. Yeah.
>> MOTHER: Here she is, Father. Please, tell me, is there anything that you can do?
>> FATHER: She’s all we have in the world.
>> SISTER: Hey!
>> FATHER:Oh, yeah, besides the other one.
>> SISTER: I’m her sister!
>> FATHER: Whatever. Father, please!
>> PRIEST: I’ll see what I can do. Teresa? Teresa, are you there?
>> TERESA: Teresa’s gone! I’m all that’s left.
>> PRIEST: Who am I speaking to?
>> TERESA: You me by many names. Bubulae magistrum. Dominus vaccarum. Deus recentis Conscidisti
Fries.
>> PRIEST: What should I call you?
>> TERESA: You can call me Dave.
>> PRIEST: Dave?
>> TERESA: Dave.
>> PRIEST: Alright then, uh, Dave. Why have you possessed this sweet,
young girl?
>> TERESA: I needed a vessel to come back into this world!
>> MOTHER: You get out of my daughter! Do you hear me, Dave? You leaver her alone!
>> TERESA: Hahahaha
>> FATHER: She’s just a little girl. Without her, we’re nothing!
>> SISTER: I’m standing right here, Dad.
>> FATHER: Shut up…you. Can’t you see your sister’s in pain?
>> TERESA: Owww!
>> SISTER: You don’t even remember my name!
>> FATHER: Be quiet. You’re making your sister upset.
>> MOTHER: Teresa? Teresa, Mommy’s here.
>> TERESA: Mom? Dad? Is that you? I can’t see anything. I’m scareaaaghd
>> MOTHER: Teresa, Mommy’s here. Everything’s going to be okay. We’re gonna fix this.
Please, Father, tell me, is there anything that you can do?
>> PRIEST: I mean, I guess I can try and exorcise the demon…or something.
>> FATHER: That’d be nice.
>> PRIEST: I’ve, uh, I’ve never done it before, but, uh…first time for everything!
Please stand back. I demand to speak to Dave.
>> TERESA: This is Dave.
>> PRIEST: Hi.
>> TERESA: Hello.
>> PRIEST: How are you?
>> TERESA: Meh. Been better. Not in Hell, so, there’s that.
>> PRIEST: Okay, um, Dave? This is going to be a little awkward, but uh, gotta ask you
to uh…kinda go.
>> TERESA: I don’t want to.
>> PRIEST: But you kinda have to.
>> TERESA: Or what?
>> PRIEST: Or I’ll stick this cross against your head and you’ll burn like Christ!
>> TERESA: I do not fear you, priest! (screams)
>> PRIEST: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! God, I have
always wanted to say that. Awesome! The power of Christ compels you!
>> TERESA: Regrub! Regrub!
>> PRIEST: What’d she just say?
>> FATHER: Did she just say…regrub?
>> MOTHER: What does that mean?
>> PRIEST: I’m not sure. What does that mean-ow!
>> FATHER: Are you alright father?
>> MOTHER: Oh my God, is that blood? My baby!
>> PRIEST: No. It’s ketchup.
>> FATHER: Ketchup?
>> PRIEST: Ketchup.
>> MOTHER: Ketchup?
>> PRIEST: Oh my God, yes. Ketchup.
>> TERESA: Regrub! Regrub!
>> PRIEST: What does that mean?
>> SISTER: You guys are stupid. Don’t you get it? The ketchup? Dave? Regrub? I even
translated the Latin on my phone. Bubulae magistrum. Master of beef. Dominus Vaccarum.
Lord of cows. Deus recentis Conscidisti Fries. God of freshly cut fries.
>> PRIEST: My God. Regrub backwards is-
>> ALL: Burger
>> SISTER: You thought you had us fooled, didn’t you…Dave Thomas?
>> TERESA: Very clever, Sis. But your little iPhone won’t save you now. Once I’m free
of this body, all mortals will bow to me! All burger patties will be square, not round!
And there’ll be Frosties, and you’ll have to drink them really, really fast. And there’ll
be French fries, like, (bleep) everywhere. Like, way too many French fries.
>> PRIEST: We’ll soon see about that.
>> TERESA: Oh, what are you going to do, Father? You’re the worst priest I’ve ever seen.
You have no power over me. Hahaha.
>> PRIEST: I have this!
>> TERESA: Is that supposed to scare me?
>> PRIEST: No, but this might.
>> TERESA: What? How?
>> PRIEST: You see, before I was a priest, I was a fry cook. It wasn’t glamorous, but
I learned a lot. One of the things I learned was that the thing Dave Thomas is afraid of
the most is…Big Macs!
>> TERESA: Ahh! You! (screams)
>> PRIEST: The power of fries compels you! The Power of fries compels you! The Power
of fries compels you!
>> TERESA: You haven’t seen the last of me! Dave Thomas will live agaaaaaain!
>> MOTHER: So, so you’re telling me that Dave Thomas, owner of the fast food chain
Wendy’s, who died in 2002, has been possessing our daughter so that he could…
>> PRIEST: Take over the world? Yes.
>> MOTHER: Huh.
>> PRIEST: You know, it’s not as strange as you might think. Square patties? That’s
the devil’s work.
>> FATHER: That always did weird me out a little bit.
>> PRIEST: This isn’t the first case of this I’ve seen. There’ve been dozens,
the past ten years since Dave Thomas died. He’s a persistent little (bleep), I’ll
>> PRIEST: No need. I don’t need money. I go where I am needed.
>> FATHER: Father? Bless you.
>> PRIEST: (burps) You’re welcome.
>> CARL: Honey, I’m feeling a little hungry. I think I’m gonna grab a snack before dinner.
>> MARY: Okay. Don’t eat anything too heavy. You don’t want to ruin your appetite.
>> CARL: I won’t. Hey Mary, do you know how old this cheesy bread is?
>> MARY: I don’t know. Let me take a look. Oh yeah, we had pizza a few nights ago. You
can have it.
>> CARL: Awesome. Thanks, Mary.
>> MARY: I’m serious. Just a light snack.
>> CARL: Oh my God. Oh. My. God. It’s so simple. How could I never think of it before?
>> MARY: Honey, are you okay? Are you hurt? That doesn’t look like a very light snack.
>> CARL: Mary, my wife, you will have the privilege of witnessing my single greatest
creation.
>> MARY: Carl, this is ridiculous. What are you talking about?
>> CARL: I am about to enjoy the ultimate cheese sandwich.
>> MARY: Carl, come on, this is ridiculous. This is too heavy. You’re not going to want
to eat my chicken and dumplings later. Carl. Carl, are you even listening to me? Carl?
Carl! Carl!
>> CARL: Finally, it is time! My single greatest achievement. This will be my opus! This will
be my gift to the world!
>> MARY: Carl, don’t you dare eat that sandwich.
>> CARL: Oh, I’m going to eat this sandwich.
>> MARY: Carl, you better not eat that sandwich!
>> DOCTOR: Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation you were having.
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m a doctor.
>> MARY: Oh, thank God you’re here. Is there anything you can do for my husband?
>> DOCTOR: Stand back. Allow me to perform science. It’s just as I figured.
>> MARY: What is it?
>> DOCTOR: Your husband is suffering from what we in the medical field call a cheese
overdose.
>> MARY: A what?
>> DOCTOR: A cheese overdose. It’s quite common actually. You see, the human body can
only handle so much cheese at one time, and if it receives too much too quickly, the body
lashes out and tries to adapt.
>> MARY: Oh my. All this medical jargon! What does this mean for my husband?
>> DOCTOR: Ma’am, this may be hard for you to hear, but your husband is turning into
cheese.
>> MARY: What?
>> DOCTOR: What kind? Who knows? Could be Swiss. Could be Brie. Could be pepper jack.
It could even be Gouda. There’s no way of knowing for sure.
>> MARY: Is there anything you can do?
>> DOCTOR: There is little to nothing that the medical field can do for your husband.
However, I can take him back to my villa. There I have the proper equipment where he
can be treated and served along with some fruits and possibly chocolates.
>> MARY: I’m glad that there’s something you can do-
>> DOCTOR: And just what are you implying, that I’m going to fondue him and have a
party with my doctor friends?
>> MARY: Uh, no, I wasn’t accusing you-
>> DOCTOR: This is slander! And I will have none of this! I won’t you weren’t accusing
me of…
>> MARY: I’m just glad that there’s something you can do to help him.
>> DOCTOR: Great! Then help me get him into my car. I can take him away immediately. I’ll
grab the legs. Oww!
>> MARY: What is it, doctor?
>> DOCTOR: It’s just that your husband…he’s so sharp.