Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
I can't even stand the thought
of a chicken in a cage.
I can't either.
I'm obsessed
with almond butter.
Have you tried it?
It's so much better for you.
Like I didn't know peanuts
are like dangerous.
Oh, my God, that is so sad.
Oh, my God, look at that.
(woman) How do you even
become a stripper?
Oh, my God, it's like,
what happened?
- Something happened.
- Oh, you know it.
It's like, I wish they could
draw their self-worth
from something else.
And there's other ways
to make money.
Totally, yeah.
Host at a restaurant.
I did it.
- My God, for how long?
- Oh, almost a month.
Yeah, I really got in there.
I mean, this just makes me really
appreciate my relationship with my dad.
Oh, yes.
Our dad like loved us
too much.
My dad's picking me up
after my workout today
and we're just gonna
like walk.
That's a nice day.
I just feel like,
like as women,
just we're blessed
with so much more
than just our bodies,
that to like not use that,
like, you guys mind if I just
stop talking for a second?
I just feel like I might cry.
Oh, my God, it's okay.
I cried on my way here.
It's just like
hard to look at that.
Yeah, it's so sad.
- So sad.
- Saddest.
(man) All right, ***!
Welcome to
Body Pole Punk class.
Let's do it.
Get on your poles!
Faces down, *** up!
Do it!
***!
***!
You're all ***!
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
I feel like I never saw girls
that looked like me on TV.
The only time was in those
Dove soap commercials.
You know what
I'm talking about?
The girls for Dove soap.
Those commercials,
they would come out in their bra
and underwear on
camera, right?
And they were like my size,
like size 6s, 8, 10.
And, uh, 12 at the holidays.
And...
And they would come out
on camera,
just like real unsure, just
like deer in the headlights.
Just like...
(laughter)
♪ This is okay, right? ♪
(laughter)
♪ We're cool with it
if you are ♪
We were all watching like,
"We don't know
if we're cool with it."
And the whole thing was just Dove
patting themselves on the back,
like, "Can you believe
how brave we are
"for putting these (bleep)
dump trucks on television?
(laughter and applause)
Put me
on the cross."
Their slogan was like,
"Don't bite the hand
that overfeeds you."
Okay.
♪♪
(phone vibrates and chimes)
Hello?
(woman on phone) Hi, Amy,
you've got Dan, Allen, Isaac,
Matt, Allie, Jen, and Russell.
(man on phone) There she is!
There's our girl.
Ames, what's shaking?
What'd you get into
last night, girl?
Nothing much.
Just hanging out.
(laughs hysterically)
You kill me!
You kill me!
What's up, guys?
(man) We know you've been
looking to make the transition
to doing more
off-camera work.
I never said that.
They want you for the next
big animated kids' movie.
It's like "Charlie's Angels,"
but with meerkats!
Jessica Alba and Megan Fox
have already signed
to play the other two.
Uh, I'm in.
I'm-- Yeah.
Awesome, we'll download you
on the deets
as soon as we circle back
with Tad, Allen out.
As soon as you do
what with who?
- Hanging up.
- Hello?
(phone beeps)
Bing.
(man) Welcome, Amy.
Are you thirsty?
Are you hungry?
Did you find your snacks okay?
No, I brought this tea.
Okay, well, the snacks are
here for when you need them.
Okay? Snacks.
Okay.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Hey, did Meg and Jess
already do their stuff?
All right, let's just roll it.
Page one, scene one.
You'll hear a beep,
you'll say your lines.
Okay, cool.
(audio playing back)
(beeping)
♪♪
I'm pretty and nice.
I'm sexy, but I love math.
Karate!
(loud thud)
(beeping)
(man) Okay, that was your cue.
Uh, we'll take it again.
Just, when you hear
the beep, say the lines.
That one's me?
(flatulence)
Yep, that's you.
Um, why doesn't my meerkat
have any pants?
Our animation team
is out of Japan,
and they don't have anybody
as big as Dumpy the Frumpy
Meerkat over there,
so they literally
couldn't figure out
how to make pants
to fit on you.
They couldn't even,
you know, fathom it.
But it's a cartoon.
They can't-- why couldn't
they just draw pants?
It blew their minds.
They had no idea.
They didn't see the point.
(long beep)
Worms.
Okay, we really need you
to drop it down a bunch.
Like a whole bunch.
It's gotta be more like...
(deep voice) "Worms!"
You know, like you really love
worms and you're disgusting.
Tell you what, why don't we just have
you do some wild feeding noises?
Can you find your snacks?
(munching and mumbling)
Okay, just give me one where
you eat for a little bit
and then you stop to (bleep) and
then go back to eating again.
Paging Ms. Streep!
I mean, you are a star.
You're killing this.
She is killing this, right?
No, no, no, I think we need
to get me out of this.
Schumes, what are we
talking about here, okay?
You are crushing this.
My character has a ***.
Have you eaten any snacks?
Yes, I have my snacks.
I'm sensing you're
not totally jazzed,
but I think I have something
that's gonna change your tune.
Amy, meet...
your action figure.
(motor squeaking)
It's (bleep).
Yeah, the thing
retails for $42.99.
You get 60% of the back end.
Worms!
(gobbling) (flatulence)
♪♪
What was your favorite
cartoon growing up?
Well, movie,
"Little Mermaid."
What character did you most
connect to in "Little Mermaid"?
Oh, Ariel.
I connect most to Ursula,
but that's something
that I'm working on
with my therapist
on the Upper West Side.
♪♪
Hey, girls.
Janice, is that really you?
Uh-huh.
Wow, you look amazing.
You must have had 75 different
expensive surgeries
over the course of many years
to get a great look like that.
Nope, I just called Dr. Ron
and Cut 2 The Chase.
Aren't you tired
of plastic surgeons
who tell you to slow down or
think about what you're doing,
forcing you to undergo one
surgery after another
till you get the look you want?
Who has
the time or money for that?
At Cut 2 The Chase,
we do it all
in just one affordable,
apocalyptic procedure.
Would you like to look like a
human-cat hybrid who eats bees?
Of course you would.
You have
crippling body dysmorphia,
and no one can talk
sense into you.
(woman lisping) I used to hate people
knowing if I was happy or sad.
Now my face and ***
look the same.
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
My college-aged daughter
is really cute,
and that was threatening to me.
But now, my face is the one
threatening her and all children.
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
When I was a human,
I hated it.
Now I poop in sand.
Thanks, Dr. Ron.
(meows)
With my patented
Hail Mary technique,
I can perform five divorces' worth
of surgery in one easy procedure.
Hmm.
Don't you owe it to yourself
to look like you fell into a tank
of chemicals while fighting Batman?
Come to Cut 2 The Chase and get
your first and last procedure.
Cut 2 The Chase.
Because
you're (bleep) shattered.
(meows)
♪♪
Who has good plastic surgery?
Lindsay Lohan, like has
she had plastic surgery?
I don't know. 'Cause
she looks amazing.
I'll always support LiLo,
but like--
You guys call her LiLo.
Like I didn't even know
that that was the thing.
That's her name.
We were actually just talking
about this today.
We think
she's making a comeback.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Like in what?
What celebrity do you know
with plastic surgery
that you're like,
"Oh, that worked out."
Well, what celebrity probably
doesn't have plastic surgery?
That's a good question.
- You ask the hard--
- Do you have plastic surgery?
I don't have any money.
Are you serious?
I can't even
get things removed.
♪♪
No, it's hard.
Yeah, well, that's why
they call it charity work.
Because it's work.
It's work.
Good evening, ladies.
How are you doing tonight?
- Really awesome.
- So good.
My name is Devon,
I'll be taking care of you.
Start you off with anything
to drink?
- Uh, water's fine.
- Water's perfect.
Great, so we have a few specials
in addition to the menu--
Listen, before the specials, I have
to tell you I'm allergic to nuts.
My meal cannot have
any nuts in it.
She's insanely
allergic to nuts.
Got it, no nuts.
Not a problem.
We accommodate
allergies all the time.
I'll tell the chef.
No, I'm serious.
It can't have even
been around nuts.
- Cashews, pecans--
- Pine nuts, peanuts.
Yeah, doughnuts, cronuts.
Almonds. Lalmonds.
Dalmonds.
I understand.
So our specials are--
Oh, actually, some of the bread
might have some nuts in them.
- Oh, my God!
- Are you serious?
I can't believe
this is happening!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
What is this?
Oh, my God, it's a nut!
It's a little nut!
What did we just say, Devon?
Is this (bleep) "Memento"?
Are you an f-ing
goldfish, Devon?
Are we in your fish bowl?
Oh, look, a little
plastic treasure chest.
(bleep) you, Devon!
Do you know what would
happen to me if I ate that?
Her face will swell up,
she will turn purple.
She will lose oxygen.
- Have you seen "Gravity"?
- I did.
Was that your favorite part,
when they lost
(bleep) oxygen, Devon?
Yes.
When I die,
it'll be your fault.
You'll have to go to my mother's
door with a folded American flag
and say, "Thank you
for her service.
I'm Devon,
your daughter's killer."
Look, I'm really sorry
about the bread.
I swear, I will make sure
that your meal is nut-free.
Thank you so much.
Okay.
Uh, so our specials tonight.
I think I know what I want.
Oh, yeah, me too.
What do I want?
What do I want?
I'll have--
I'll have the nut-- Oh, no.
The arugula salad.
I'll have the arugula salad.
Are there nuts in that?
No.
(sighs)
But I will triple-check.
- Nice job, Devon.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Aw, he's sweet.
Two arugula salads.
Are there any nuts in those?
Nope.
Great.
♪♪
(girls screaming)
No!
(shrieking)
No!
No!
What did we say?!
What did we say?!
Everything all right here?
No!
♪♪
Now, as we all know,
gravity goes down, yes?
But if we all focus,
sometimes gravity can make
things go up.
Now, does anyone have
a gum wrapper I could borrow?
Oh, I do.
Wonderful.
Thank you.
He is so hot.
Yeah, I'm not mad
at that eyeliner either.
As we all can see, this gum
wrapper is a rectangle, yes?
Now, if I fold it one more time,
you see it turns into a square.
Now, here's the weird part.
If I were to unwrap this, the wrapper
is right back to how it was.
Oh, my God.
Are these even tricks?
I'd like to use
a lovely assistant.
Does anybody...?
Shut up!
I have the "lovely"
part taken care of.
Oh, no.
- Too hard?
- Yeah.
No, I'd love
to be your assistant.
Okay, here's what
I want you to do.
I want you to tell me
when to stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Okay.
Now tap this one time.
Okay, this is
a story about a queen.
Aw.
Who dated a bunch of a-holes.
It really is your story.
Who didn't do Jack
for her, okay?
Until one day, she found
a guy who was too--
eight of clubs,
give me that back--
who was 2 good to be true.
She finally found her King.
Does anybody have a pretzel?
Oh, wait, here's one.
In your nose.
Oh, wow.
Does anyone have a balloon?
I can't believe this.
I never thought
this would happen, but--
What?
I'm gonna (bleep) a magician.
♪♪
What? How'd you do that?
I'm afraid
that's Victoria's secret.
Ew.
Put this on.
Some people say
no glove, no love.
However, quantum mechanics
dictates--
Okay, can you just
put it on, please?
Amy, you make me
feel like an animal.
Okay.
That's-- all right.
Enough, please.
Just, can you--
Do you have an unlit match
and a Canadian coin?
No, can you just stop
with the magic?
Like we're naked,
we're in my bed.
Like you did it.
I actually can't
do it tonight.
Why?
'Cause there's something
blocking my way.
What?
(grunts)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my-- ew, ew, ew.
All right, enough.
No more magic.
Your wish is my command.
Let's still like
a magic saying.
Oh.
Man, you're pregnant!
What?
No, I'm not.
Oh, my God.
I can feel it kicking!
Ew!
Josh, this is cra--
Josh?
(wind blowing)
Magic.
♪ He's a man of magic
whoo, whoo ♪
Would you hook up
with a magician?
No.
Have you ever seen
a good magician?
- Yes.
- What did they do?
Um, well, they made my mother
disappear, so it was kind of--
That sounds amazing.
Wait, is this like
a sad story about Shanghai?
- No, no, it's not.
- Oh, okay.
♪♪
So, gentlemen, you are comedians
for over 20 years now
and you are my good friends.
And you're also the most morally
bankrupt human beings
on the planet, right?
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
Yeah, that's true.
Let's talk about it.
Oh, one second.
Over 40 years.
Oh, right.
Are you Moms Mabley?
(laughter)
Keith, hit on me.
Like if I met you,
what would you--
what would you do if
we were just like at a bar.
What's up, sweetie? You good?
Yeah, I'm good.
No, he's talking to me,
Florentine.
Talking to her!
Okay, I don't know you.
Yeah, there we go.
How you doing?
- I'm fine.
- You fine?
That's what I'm talking about.
Okay, I'm gonna
call the police.
You ever date
a black man before?
(Kelly)
I actually felt scared.
He's very uncouth, too.
I remember Marina Franklin,
a friend of ours,
one time, he was
just saying stupid things
about where he would take her,
to Subway
or Burger King for dinner--
When they were dating, right?
Yeah, and then they'd
have to be in the car,
and I'm not gonna get a hotel.
And she just said,
"Who raised you?"
I thought it was
the greatest thing ever.
"Who raised you?"
Well, I'm assuming
just your mom.
No-- oh, you...
(laughter)
(knock on door)
Oh, wait,
this might be Rachel.
We're just talking about what
dirtbags these guys are.
Oh, they really are worthless.
They're really pieces--
In order, who would be the
biggest piece of crap, in order?
I think you would be most
traumatized by (bleep) Norton.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Right?
Probably.
But I wouldn't hit on you
because you're like a comic.
I would never get you drunk
and try to (bleep) you,
but if we did
have sex, you'd regret it.
(laughter)
Have you guys gotten a good amount
of (bleep) from being a comic?
What?
What?
The only reason I get it.
Have you ever not-- Why
do you think we do this?
You think we love
the "art of comedy"?
Then why do we do it?
- 'Cause, like--
- Yeah, no.
We've been asking
the same question.
(laughter)
What would you rather do?
Kiss, have sex, or blow?
With Keith.
How about "D," sit on his face
and read my tweets?
(laughter)
I'll take that.
Even when Keith talks
about sex, it's just stupid.
He's always going, "I got
three pumps for you."
I can make her do what she
needs to do in three pumps.
That's all I'm saying.
Fall asleep?
Like literally
drool on herself?
Blow the whistle?
(laughter)
What do you think
we're like in bed?
Like what do you think?
I think you both stink in bed.
Who would put out first
out of these two?
(all) Amy!
How dare you?
I guarantee Rachel tries to give
meaningful looks during sex.
Ew! That's disgusting.
She does this...
"Look at me, look at me.
Oh, Bobby."
(laughter)
Jim has several lines that
he says works on any girl.
I would play some crummy gig
in the middle of Pennsylvania,
white-trash girl.
I'd go,
"Hey, come out to my car."
We'd sit in the car.
I would just go, "Look, do you mind
if I *** while we kiss?"
I'd go, "I got a long ride home.
You don't have to touch it."
Nine out of ten times,
within one minute,
they had their hand
or their mouth on it.
What woman gets jealous when
they see a guy ***?
It's not like we're like,
"Wait, there can be ***?"
That's not like
an exciting prospect.
We all know the ***
is available.
(Amy)
We know there will be ***.
The psychology behind it is
that you-- like we like ***.
If you took your *** out
or your ***,
we'd be like,
"Oh, my God, we love that."
Thank you, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
If you see a ***,
you like that, too.
You're wrong.
You're wrong.
When you see a ***,
you don't go,
"Wow, I wanna
put it in my (bleep)?"
No.
Really?
That's why a *** pic
is not exciting...
- Yeah.
- ...to a woman.
No woman wants a *** pic.
That's wrong.
No, they're lying to you.
No.
No.
No, the women he's talking
about have penises, too.
So they're actually exchanging,
exchanging *** pics.
They're comparing.
Oh, if only I could deny it.
(laughter)
♪♪
I'm trying to date guys that are
not comedians, which is so hard.
I was hooking up
with this guy the other day--
well, is it hooking up if you're
just pushing their head down
like you're trying
to set off dynamite?
But...
Get!
Uh, so I was out
with this civilian and...
and he was like talking to me
like I was a girl.
He was trying
to use a line on me.
He's like, "Damn, girl,
those eyes."
And I was like, "No."
He's like, "What?"
I'm like, "Eh, like I'm 32.
"If my eyes were a thing,
I would have heard about it
by now, you know?"
And I'm like,
"What are you going for?
"Like I'm gonna (bleep) you.
You showed up.
That was half the battle."
♪♪
A magical story--
(laughs)
(laughs)
You all know that
age-old story of the--
Just relax.
(laughs)
(laughs) ...in your nose.
In your nose. (laughs)
Maybe it's not.
(laughter)
Should we just cut this scene?
(whispers) Yes.
(woman) So easy.
♪ Magic ♪
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com