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So it's finally nice to meet you, Captain Victory.
I am aware that you are interested in applying to be my sidekick.
Yes sir, that's true.
It's an honor to meet you, as I'm a huge admirer of your work. -I don't doubt it.
Well, I guess I should welcome you to my headquarters.
I thought maybe we'd have a little informal interview here to see if you
will suit my needs.
You've got some pretty cool digs here, bro.
Thanks, and please don't call me "bro."
It makes me feel like a ***.
Understood.
I'll keep it to myself next time. -I appreciate it. Now allow me to get down to
business.
First and foremost, I must ask: what do you think of Dr. Grenade?
Dude, that guy is such a ***. - I know, tell me about it.
He's the biggest *** I've ever met.
I'm afraid to walk with my back turned towards him for fear that he might try
to shove his shaft into my dumper.
Yeah, man, I totally get that.
I heard he likes licking men's taints in his spare time. -Wouldn't surprise me.
If Ben & Jerry made an ice cream filled with dicks,
he would buy it and eat it very slowly. -If Dr. Grenade was stranded on a
desert island with thirty naked chicks, he'd probably suck his own ***
instead of letting them pleasure him.
Bahaha
That's funny. As my sidekick, I would really like you to be my comic relief.
Kinda like your Jack Black?
No,
I was thinking you're more like a Bronson Pinchot.
Bronson Pinchot?
You mean Balki from Perfect Strangers? -Yes, that's exactly who I speak of.
I don't want to be like Balki. -Why not?
Balki was hilarious.
I suppose.
But he was also in that *** movie Second Sight with John Larroquette.
He played a psychic detective. I just caught it on Cinemax the other day.
It was so *** awful. -Wow, John Larroquette?
There's a blast from the past.
Yes,
and not a very good blast from the past.
Don't even think about comparing me to John Larroquette. -Don't worry, I won't.
I'll stick with Bronson Pinchot.
He's funny. Few people know this, but he made his film debut in Risky Business.
He was also in the first and third Beverly Hills Cop movies.
He was even in True Romance. -Wow.
You know an awful lot about Bronson Pinchot.
If I were you, I wouldn't advertise that too much. -What can I say?
There's something about Bronson Pinchot that makes me smile.
Is there any chance you could compare me to someone else less ***?
Like Jim Varney?
Jim Varney's dead.
I know, but that doesn't make him any less relevant.
I still celebrate his entire career.
To this day, all nine Ernest movies still hold their own against any given comedy,
no questions asked.
They don't make movies like that anymore. -Holy ***, were there seriously nine
Ernest movies?
I can name, like, three of them.
I feel sorry for you.
You don't even know what you're missing.
Jim Varney had some serious range, too.
I suppose you never watched the Hey, Vern series. -I have no idea what you're even
talking about.
You've gotta be *** kidding me.
I suppose you're more into movies like Freddy Got Fingered or any other given
Tom Green comedy. -Tom Green?
Is that guy even still alive?
I don't know.
Does anyone even care? -Not really.
Ever since he had testicular cancer, it seemed like he disappeared into oblivion.
I think having one of his balls removed was a metaphor for his career.
Wow, that's a very profound statement. -So, are you still considering my offer?
You might want to accept before I have second thoughts.
We obviously don't see eye-to-eye on who is a good comedic actor, but I hope we
can put our differences aside. -What do you think of Eddie Murphy?
Are you *** serious?
Do you still really want to debate this?
Yes. -Fine. He hasn't made a good movie since Coming to America.
Come on, you have to admit that Norbit was pretty funny. -If you seriously think
Norbit was a good movie, I don't think I can ever work with you,
and that's just wording it nicely.
*** you.
You can't tell me you didn't chuckle at least once. -Not only did I not chuckle
during Norbit, after the movie was over,
I took the disc out of my DVD player,
*** off on it, and snapped it in half so that no one else could be subjected
to the same torture as me. It was totally worth paying the fine at Blockbuster.
Wow, that is some serious conviction.
Oh well, suit yourself.
I will at least say that Eddie Murphy is no Jim Varney. -That's not saying much.
I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree. -I'll agree to severely disagree.
Whatever.
I'm willing to pretend this argument never happened and accept your offer. -The offer
has been revoked.
Are you kidding me? -No.
Who else are you even considering for the job? -Not you.
So basically you've got no one else?
Fine then, I guess you won't have a sidekick because you're too proud of
being a film snob and a complete prick. -That's basically it.
Who else are you gonna work with?
Muffin Girl? -Hell no.
When God created Muffin Girl,
he marinated her in *** sauce before letting her out into the world.
I'll just work alone. Thank you very much.
Seriously, you're being an ***.
Goodbye.
But I want to talk about Rick Moranis. -See you later,
dipshit.
Please leave.
You're turning out to be a bigger *** than Dr. Grenade. -I don't
appreciate your homophobic derogatory comments.
Now get the *** out of my lair already. Jesus Christ.