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(Merle singing) Cosmos is Cosmos,
Stars are like suns,
Whisky's like bourbon,
You get drunk on rum.
Living was easy
Lying was fun.
You don't know you're winning
If you never have won.
You ramble on, ramble on,
You're Cosmic Cowboy.
You roll along, roll along,
On Cosmic Wind.
(Skinny) Mr. Merle
(Merle) Don't interrupt my composing.
A man drove up and entered the room.
Well then get this laptop up.
Maybe you didn't screw it up.
Yes Mr. Merle.
Everything is working.
I never screw it up.
Yeah? Well, we'll see.
Just imagine me
getting Congressman Baldome
bouncing in the bed with a ***.
That ought to be good for a big payday.
Maybe more than one.
Especially if he brings his niece Jennifer.
I hear that she's his favorite call girl.
Oh he'll pay good to keep a lid on that.
I am programmed to be a call girl.
If you like.
Not with me you won't.
I ain't having nothing to do with no stinking machine.
I never stink.
Only human girls can stink.
Whatever.
Who's that guy!
He can't be in that room.
That's our room.
Where the heck is Baldome?
He's always here by now
and he always uses this room.
I do not know.
Oh shucks.
That psychopath manager done rented out
tthe room to the wrong guy.
He is not Mr. Baldome.
That's great.
That nutcase just screwed up our big pay day.
That nutcase just screwed up our big payday.
Skinny, you're so incredibly stupid.
Our camera and stuff is
still in that room.
Now I guess we're just going have to stay here
and watch that
Mister Thin Man there doesn't just steal it.
He does not seem to know what it is.
I can't hear. Do your thing.
Yes Mr. Merle.
I will do that thing so that you can hear.
Yeah Norton.
I'm using the encrypted phone.
I'm at the hotel, if you can call it that.
I think the Russians had somebody tailing me on the flight.
You said you could protect me from those guys.
They would love to get their hands
on a spyware programmer.
Man O' man.
Now here's somebody of interest.
This is not Mr. Baldome.
No, this is not Mr. Baldome.
This guy is much more valuable than Mr. Baldome.
This is that programmer who wrote
that huge spy virus that snoops
on the government's computers.
Everybody wants a piece of this guy.
And guess what?
I do not guess.
We've got him.
We do not own the programmer.
We do now!
We now own the programmer.
And I know just the people
who would love to take this guy
off our hands and sell him to the Ruskies.
They'd be more than happy
to give us our big payday for sure.
We are getting our big payday.
We are getting our big payday.
We've got to make our move on him now.
After you unlock the door like last time,
I want you to rush in and pin that *** to the bed.
I must not injure a human being.
That's right, don't hurt him.
Just pin him down.
You ain't going to have to hurt nobody.
(banjo music)
(Merle's gun thumps the door))
Shish!
(electromagnetic finger)
(lock tumblers)
We are not going to hurt you.
We are with the government.
The government?
Which government?
Which government?
Your government.
We're with your government
and we're here to help.
We are here with your government and we are here to help you.
Help! Please. Help!
Shut him up.
You can scream all you want.
People in here scream all the time.
(Voice through the wall) Who you gonna cut with that knife?
Keep him like that so
he can't monkey around on us.
Yes, Mr. Merle.
I will keep him like this so that
he does not monkey around on us.
It says here that you're Mr. Saul Kaplan.
Is that right?
You're that guy that's wrote that virus
that's infected everybody's computer.
Well, I think you are the guy everybody's looking for.
We'll just hold on to this.
Hello, Al?... It's me, Merle.
Whoa, whoa! Hold on now.
I told you I was good for that.
I got something here that's gonna make me right.
You ain't going to believe this,
But I got Saul Kaplan.
That computer spy virus guy on the news.
Yeah, everybody wants a piece of that action.
You've got to send your Nazi friends over here right away.
And tell them to bring some cash too.
Well if you ever want me to pay you back,
you better find someone to pinch it over,
or else I'm going to bounce.
Ain't nobody getting nothing.
I don't see why that geek
should get the bed
when I'm stuck in this chair.
Move him on over.
Hey! Oh! Watch the arm. Watch the arm.
I can walk.
Yeah Skinny, our big pay day commeth.
I'm getting a powerful appetite just thinking about it.
In fact, Skinny, make yourself useful
and go across the street
and get me some of those red-hot pork rinds
and a six pack of beer.
Pork-skins and a six pack of beer Mr. Merle.
Don't you mess with me hacker boy, cause I got a hair-trigger.
I'm liable to shoot something off
that you'd like to keep.
[TV movie] Burn the Witch!
[wet scraping]
[snore]
[snore... dial wheel returns...]
[snore... dial wheel returns...]
[door slam]
Hey! Put that down.
I told you to watch him!
I have your pork skins
and your six beers Mr. Merle.
I'm sick of your sloppy ways
and your smiley face.
You are to always,
obey,
your owner!
[bass drop]
Now get up and do your job.
And don't be getting any of that
white puke on my boots.
(frying electronics)
(sputtering transistors)
Please, may I have some water.
I'm so thirsty.
Well! Get him some water Skinny.
Ain't no good to us all dried out.
I can fix you.
I can bring you back to factory specs.
He's only going to keep breaking you.
He'll sell you for scrap metal
along with his beer cans.
Did I say you could talk?
How much water are you giving that geek.
He'll *** all over himself
then won't nobody want him.
Now get up and go over there and sit down.
Them Nazis will be here soon
and I need to get the drop on them.
We can kill both of you right here.
Don't look at him.
We have the programmer.
If you have the money,
we will let you live.
Do you have the money?
Put it on the bed.
This bundle is underweight.
There is not enough money.
You are stealing some of the money.
(Nazi) He made me buy beer.
Cough up the cash.
Now!
Thirty-nine thousand, nine hundred dollars in hundred dollar bills.
Plus four twenties and two ones.
You are eighteen dollars short.
I was only following orders. It wasn't my fault.
We must kill you for stealing the money.
Take the hostage and leave.
Boneheaded fascists.
You two timing transistor!
Wait! Wait!
I'm not me!
That's not mine.
No! No! Wait! No wait.
Lousy percolator!
Wait! No! wait!
You traitor. Wait!
Peculator. No! Wait!
You can scream all you want.
People scream here all the time.