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[BEEPING]
ADMIN: We saw your latest vlog, Mister Pike.
We were not pleased.
TOM: Well, the next trope video is going to be really good.
I picked a really funny trope, because failure is...
Hilarious.
Look, I like parades of human misery,
I like seeing the depraved, the crazed, the insane. The just plain -sad-.
I mean, who doesn't like laughing at people more pathetic than themselves?
I was going to talk about-- ADMIN: You were "going to talk about".
That is an accurate assessment of the problem. It bores the soul.
ADMIN: You need conflict. Someone to argue with.
Someone with whom you can have a very particular kind of tension.
Miss Shaw will appear in your next video.
DANA: What? No. No, definitely not. I am not a performer.
I am strictly behind the scenes.
ADMIN: That is unacceptable.
We have determined that you -shall- recruit a female cast member.
TOM: Where should I-- ADMIN: Silence!
A Troper has just referred to themselves in the first person.
We must make an example of them.
Return here in one week with a female cast member
or face the consequences.
[MUSIC]
ZACK: Uh, Tom, would you mind if my Uncle Bill came in and tried out for the role?
TOM: Yeah, I would mind. We have one opening, and it's for a girl.
ZACK: But, he's a really good actor, man. DANA: Tom, what is this?
TOM: I don't know. Could you wave it a little closer to my face?
DANA: "EXCITING OPPORTUNITIES"-- all caps-
TOM: Oh, yeah, that's the casting call I put out on Craigslist.
DANA: "Any actresses looking for national exposure
on a site visited by industry professionals--"
Tom, it sounds like you're casting a ***.
TOM: It does not.
DANA: "Must be older than 18É" TOM: So they can sign their clearances!
DANA: "...and not have any commitments that tie them down,
P.S. no fatties." Zack, have you seen this?
ZACK: Honestly, I spent my afternoon watching ***.
DANA: Tom. You need to fix this. Now.
TOM: I wouldn't need to fix anything if you would just go on-camera.
DANA: Tom, for the last time...
TOM: I really don't see how this could be misinterpreted.
DANA: You need to issue a new casting call. This is not okay.
DANA: Tom, did you do this? TOM: Yeah.
DANA:You know the hallway ends at 320.
TOM: Maybe while the whiners are lost, they'll find themselves.
ZACK: Ha, ha, therapy is for losers!
...I made myself sad.
TOM: Could you read the pages.
UNCLE BILL: Did I tell you about the time Zack was playing in a sprinkler,
and he pooped himself?
ELYSE: One day when I was little, we had a family reunion...
And, um, [CRIES]
ALYSSA: "No, I make things happen behind the scenes."
TOM: Yeah, like that, but deliver it to me, not the camera.
ALYSSA: But they usually say to look into the camera.
UNCLE BILL: He was playing in the sprinkler and he pooped himself.
ZACK: Yeah, I basically pooped myself.
ELYSE: [STILL CRYING] And then later, years later, I know...
DANA: How old were you?
UNCLE BILL: It was like, like three? Zack: Three
UNCLE BILL: Three years ago.
ELYSE: [UNINTELLIGIBLE, STILL CRYING]
TOM: Are you here for the therapy or the ***?
BEARDED MAN: So we're building like a big, you know, like a big freezer.
There's still seven Catholic parishes in McKeesport, which is where --
Are you afraid of the knife?
TOM: Are you going to read anything?
UNCLE BILL: You mean like, for an actor?
ZACK: He's a really good actor. DANA: God. Next.
UNCLE BILL: I thought we were just hanging out.
DANA: Next!
DANA: What... what sort of thing do you think we're casting for?
ALYSSA: It doesn't matter. I'm up for anything.
TOM: Oh, oh, uh, no no no. No!
TOM: I think we can make it work DANA: She was here for the ***.
SHANNON: Hey, what the heck -- TOM: ***.
SHANNON: I had to find out about this audition on Facebook.
FACEBOOK!!!
You know how serious an actress I am.
DANA: You two know each other?
[SIMULTANEOUSLY] TOM: Ex-girlfriend. SHANNON: We're engaged.
SHANNON: Fiance. TOM: EX-fiancee.
DANA: Yeah, I think I've seen enough.
SHANNON: And who the hell are you?
ZACK: Please don't eat me.
DANA: So your ex is pretty terrifying, huh?
What ever made you think that was a good idea?
TOM: Two reasons. The left and the right.
DANA: Eh, lovely.
TOM: I know what you're thinking and it was not a disaster.
We got a lot of interest.
DANA: We did get a lot of interest, you're right. In making a ***.
ZACK: That is still an option. DANA: No it is not, Zack.
TOM: He'sÉ he's got aÉ DANA: No.
TOM: I'm sorry I had to ask to meet with you, Dana. We tried and --
ZACK: I didn't try. TOM: And we failed.
DANA: Tom... TOM: Dana, it's okay.
The only remaining issue is we need to decide is "Do we ask Mr. Administrator to
reimburse the cost of that sandwich I ordered on CampusFood--"
DANA: Tom, listen...
TOM: And Dana, please tell him he'll have to give the rest of his Internet money
to someone else, because we can't do this.
DANA: Well, that's the thing 'cause
I already kind of said that I would. Do this.
TOM: YouÉ you're going on-camera? Why?
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]
DANA: Because you need me to.
Tom, you're pretty hopeless.
You're really hopeless, actually. You are like a lost little puppy,
but whenever anyone tries to help you, you crap on their rug and bite their baby.
DANA: But that's where I can come in.
I can be there with the rabies shots and the carpet cleaner, and your
incompetence means that I can actually make a difference here.
Every other job I've had, my work's been largely overlooked, forgotten, lost.
DANA: But here, just showing up means that your awful, awful little show
is made a little bit better.
TOM:You're saying that you like that I let you clean up after my messes?
ZACK: That's disgusting. DANA: That's exactly what I'm saying.
DANA: It's the difference between cleaning up the ***
and letting it sit on the carpet and steam. [PIANO MUSIC ENDS]
DANA: Right? ZAK: Eww.
DANA: So. We have a lot that we need to do. I need to learn how to act.
You need to...you need to stop being you.
DANA: And Zack,
just don't talk while the camera's on, ok? ZACK: Ok.
DANA: So what's the next script? Do you have it?
TOM: The next script was going to be "Terrible Interviewees Montage".
DANA: "Terrible Interviewees Montage." Really? Tom, those are never funny.
[MUSIC]
BEARDED GUY: She really did think that-- TOM: Yeah. no. The inspiration for this
was that my original casting call sounded like a casting call for a ***.
TOM: ...direct it at me, not the camera.
DANA: "Any actresses looking for national exposure
on a site visited by industry professionals"
DANA: Tom, it sounds like you're casting a ***.
"P.S. No Fatties."