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- Good evening everyone - Good evening
- Good evening - Good heaven Ranjeet
You're actually here on time
- Yes - Well done
Yes, thank you Juan and thank you for carrying it
Yes, thank you very much
- You spanish creeper - You ltalian
All right, settle down everybody!
We've got a lot of work to do tonight
Excuse please
- Just sit down a minute Ali, will you? - No thank you
l am only coming to tell you l am not coming
- Not coming? - Yes please
You can't leave in the middle of a term
l mean you were doing quite well! Why do you want to leave?
- Oh blimey, l am coming up on the puddles - Coming up on the puddles?
- Yes please, the football puddles? - The football pools
Yes please! l am getting eight scoring draws
- How many draws on the coupons? - Only the eight l am getting
Hey how much you win?
Oh blimey, it could be half a million pounds
Santa Maria
l'm very happy for you! Because you're my best friend
He's also my friend
And mine
- l am the true friend of Ali - You?
But of course! We are practically bloody brothers!
- l thought you didn't like Muslims - l love Muslims
Especially when they are having half a million pounds!
Well, l don't know what to say Ali
l mean l'm very pleased for you of course
- l am also being very pleased for me - What will you do?
Oh blimey, l am going to bed
- To bed? - Yes please
With all that money, l'm not needing to be working, so l'm going to bed
- You mean you're going to retire - Most definitely
You're quite sure you've got eight score draws?
Oh yes, l got the copy
Here please, the ones l'm ticking off
Ali, l don't think you're going to retire just yet
- He's not gotta eight draws? - Oh yes
- He's gotta eight... he's got eight draws - Good
But they're not all on the same line!
- What difference is that making? - lt means you haven't won anything
- Notting at all? - Notting at all
Bellos!
Loco!
That is typical of that Muslim twit! No brains whatsoever
Oh blimey, you are changing tune
When you are thinking that l am very wealthy you are being my bloody brother
Don't you call me stupid you bearded baboon!
Quiet the pair of you and sit down
l presume you're staying now Ali
- l'm staying now, yes - Good
Now this evening l thought we'd try some practical use of the English language
By acting out various situations that you might come across in real life
- Now, we'll start with you Taro - ''Aso''
- Now, you are going to the bank - Banko, yes
- Where are you going? - Banko
- No, it's only a pretend bank - Pletendo?
Yeso! We'll imagine this table is the bank counter and l am the bank clerk
And you are a customer and you're coming to cash a cheque
- All right? - Ok
- Good morning Sir - lt is not good morning time
lt is good night time
Yes, it is now! But we are just pretending
- Aso, Cally on - Thank you
- Good morning Sir - One moment
- What is it now? - Are you Barclays or Midlando?
lt doesn't really matter! Midland if you like
- Good morning Sir - Goodbye
Goodbye?
Midlando not my banko! Barclays my banko
All right, it's Barclays
- Good morning Sir - Good morning
- You wish to cash a cheque? - Yes pleaso
Good! How much? Ten pounds?
- Twenty? Thirty? - Thirty
- And how do you want it? - ln money please
Yes but do you want thirty in tens, ones or fives or what?
- Can l have thirty fives? - No, that would be 150 pounds
- Solly for mistako - Not to worry
Thank you Taro! That wasn't too bad
Now, who should we have next? Ah, Danielle
You are the nicest banker l've seen
Yes, well we're not in the bank now! l want you to imagine something different
- l have a very good imagination - l'm sure you have
Now you are going into a post office and l am the assistant
- Excuse me, can you help me? - Certainly Madam! What is it you wish?
How much is it a letter to post?
- ls it someone in England? - No, no it's a Swiss letter
- A Swiss letter? - Yes, l write to my boyfriend in Switzerland
Well, it's more correct to say you want to send a letter to Switzerland not a Swiss letter
lt could be very embarrassing if you were writing to somebody in France
- Excuse me? - lt doesn't matter
l am thinking l need some extra English lessons
Maybe l could stay here with you after the class
l don't think we could do that
Well l come home with you and you could teach me a lot
Yes l'm sure l could! But l think you know quite sufficient already
- Now, is there anything else you want? - Yes but l cannot tell you here
- From the post office - No, nothing
Well alright, thank you Danielle, that will do
- Now, Juan - Si senor
- You're going to the Employment Exchange - Por Favore
- You are going to get a job - No, l already have ajob
Yes l know that, we're assuming you don't
And you're going to the Employment Exchange to get one
- As l explained to Taro, we're pretending - lt's alright
- Now, what is your name? - You already know my name
l do but the clerk at the job desk doesn't
Ah, si! Juan Cervantes para Serville
- Are you married? - Si
l married to Gina Lollabrigida
- Don't be ridiculous - Pretending
Touche', alright!
- What sort of ajob are you looking for? - Plenty money job
l see and what is the work you want to do in order to earn this plenty money?
Plenty little!
Alright Juan! Thank you! That will be sufficient
Pity, l like it! A very good game!
Thank you! Now, Ranjeet
What is it you are wanting me to do?
- You are going to the Doctor's - What is the nature of my complaint?
- Let's just say you don't feel well - But l'm never feeling better
- Pretend you have a cold - A cold what?
Alright, let's forget about the cold
- Just imagine you have a pain - Very well sir
Well go on
A thousand apologies! l am waiting for you to say 'Next please'
- Doctor always say 'Next please' - Next please
- Good morning Doctor - Good morning
- And what seems to be the trouble? - l have a terrible pain
- Where? - ln my imagination
You're supposed to be pretending it's a real pain
A thousand apologies again!
- l have a real terrible pain - Good
- Where is this pain? - ln my foot
His brains are hurting
- Your backside will be hurting in a moment - Blimey you can't even crack a pompadom
- l give you bunches of fivers - l give you bunches of tenners
Miss Courtney
What on earth is going on in here?
We were just having a few practical lessons
- What in, unarmed combat? - lt might come in useful
Well l'm afraid your students will have to do without you for a little while
- You're wanted down at the police station - The police station?
There's no need to look so guilty! lt's nothing you've done
lt's about one of your students! The lndian lady
- Jamila? Has anything happened to her? - Yes
She's been arrested for shoplifting!
Hello
Constable Wilkings?
Where the devil are you? You should've been back here by now
Pardon? No i will not send a Panda car for you
l don't care if somebody has pinched your bicycle! Pinch somebody else's
Would you like a cup of tea?
Tea, cup! ''Char''
Char, yes please no thank you! 4 sugar
Don't run away
Jamila! Are you all right?
What did she say Ali?
- ln English - Excuse me please
She is saying she is very glad we are coming to help her escape
Ask her what she stole
- Well? - Nothing
She must have said more than that
Yes please! She is saying she only took a book from the newspapershop
But the book was free
There's obviously been some misunderstanding!
l'll sort it out with the police
- Will they be sending her to prison? - No, no! l don't think it's that drastic
l'll have a word with the sergeant! Five pounds ought to do it
Ah, l'm understanding! That is a fine
No, no, no! Not exactly a fine! Let's say it's a little gift
- Gift? - Yes
lt's an old English custom! l scratch your back, you scratch mine
- You scratch my back, l scratch yours - That's right
Very well! Where are you being itchy?
No, no, never mind!
- Char - Good evening
- Good evening - Good evening
- Are you Mr. Brown? - No, he is Mr. Brown
l was speaking to him
ln that case, you were right first time
- Who are you? - Ali Nadim
No, l am Ali Nadim! You are Mr. Brown
Yes Ali, l'll do the talking, alright? You just leave it to me
Now l'm sure we can sort this out, inspector
The Commissioner looks after promotions here sir
Yes, you look like an lnspector
l'm sure it's only a question of time
May l compliment you on your station and what a wonderful job you're doing
Thank you sir
- Now about this young lady? - Ah yes
l expect you'd like to have a look at my driving licence
- What for? - To verify my identity
- You said you were Mr. Brown - Yes but you want some proof, don't you?
Look if you tell me you're Mr. Brown l accept that is the truth
- Yes but l could have been lying - Were you lying?
No, he's definitely Mr. Brown!
- He is telling the truth - Ali
- l insist you look at my driving licence - Oh very well, if it will make you happy
- ls this yours sir? - Pardon?
This five pound note was inside you driving licence
Are you sure? lt could have dropped out of your trouser pocket
Oh yes! And dropped upwards l suppose on to the desk?
Perhaps you had it tucked up your sleeves
Yes and l could have a couple of doves up the other but l haven't
lt was definitely in your licence
Yes sergeant is correct! l remember you putting it there not a moment ago
l forgot
lt was just before you said ''You scratch my back, l scratch yours''
- Thank you George Washington - No l'm Ali
Yes Ali, just be quiet please
- Now sergeant, about this young lady - Yes the accused
Remember British Justice! A person is presumed innocent until proven guilty
- And this poor lady is innocent - l know that
Just because she's an immigrant you can't go picking on - pardon?
Oh she pinched the book all right but she thought it was buckshee
See what it says on the front cover?
- Free inside! Colour supplement - That's right
- And she thought the whole book was free - Yes
So it wasn't her fault
lf anyone's to blame, it's the person who's teaching her English
lt's not always easy! Well if that's all we'll be getting along! Come along Jamila
Before you go sir
Would you like to make a donation to our Police charity fund?
Well as a matter of fact, you've caught me at a rather awkaward moment
What about the fiver?
You remember sir, the one you thought you never had
Oh, that fiver!
You know what they say sir, what you've never had you never miss
Unless you knew it was there all the time
ln which case it would come under bribery and corruption
You scratch my back and l'll scratch yours
l see Mr. Brown is not back
What are you doing at the moment?
- We are studying our English Glammar - Good
And how far have you got? Let me see your book
Giovanni, Miss Courtney would like to see your book
l want to see your book
Thank you
''The affairs of a Call Girl''
l thought it was about the adventures of a telephone operator! Honest
A likely story!
Well, until Mr. Brown returns l shall take the class
- Senora, where are you taking us - l'm not taking you anywhere
l shall ask you a few questions on general knowledge
Now first of all, can anybody tell me who said ''To be or not to be''?
- Please you just said it - Yes
But before l said it, who said it?
- Excuse prease - yes
Chairman Mao
lt may come as a surprise to you, but other people wrote things besides Chairman Mao
Chairman Mao lite everything
He certainly didn't lite - write - ''To be or not to be''! Does anybody know?
- William Shakespeare - Correct
Excuse please! Who is this William Spearshake?
- Shakespeare - A thousand apologies
Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works?
- ls it a big place? - ls what a big place?
These works of Shakespeare
- l'm referring to the things he wrote - Scusi
Can anybody tell me what the population of England is?
- Miss Shmidt? - Ja, English
Not any longer
However, what l really meant was how many there are?
l don't know, l haven't counted them
Let me ask you a simple question
- Mr. Nagazumi - ''Aso''
Can you tell me how many P's there are in a pound?
Depend on size of peas
l think you'd better all go back to studying your books until Mr. Brown returns
He surely can't be much longer
l wish she'd tell us why she's brought us back here
She just said she was having something to show you
She is saying thank you for saving her from the police
And hopes you'll do the same next time
Well let's hope there's not going to be a next time
Free Offer! 2 p. Off each tin
- Supermark - Supermarket
They've obviously been having... Oh no!
Free offer! You haven't been taking things from the supermarket
Oh dearie me!
- You can say that again - Oh dearie me
We must be going back to see the Police Sergeant and scratch his back again
We can't do that! He'll never believe this was a mistake
Pinching a magazine is one thing
But knocking off half a supermarket is rather a different matter
On the other hand, we can't let Jamila keep all these stolen goods! lt's dishonest
She can give them to me!
- l do not minding being dishonest - Yes, l'm sure you're not
Now listen Ali, l want you to go back to the school
And ask all the students to meet Jamila and l outside the supermarket
- What are we going to be doing? - We're going to put all these things back
- Gladys, is everything locked up? - Yes Miss Courtney
By the way, l don't suppose you could give me a lift
l'm afraid l'm not going straight home tonight
There's a few things l need from the supermarket
Right, now you all know what to do! Just be very careful that nobody sees you
What are you doing here?
l suppose you could say it was an extra curricular activity
- Sir, excuse me! lt's stuck - What are you doing with thatjar?
Trying to get it out
lt's a long story, Miss Courtney! l'll explain later
Let me give you a hand
All right, l've been watching you! Just what do you think you're doing?
Would you believe we're putting things back?
- No - l didn't think you would
Well, well, well! Regular little Fagin, aren't you?
l can explain Sergeant
You're not going to show me your licence again, are you?
That's a relief
See, we were actually trying to return these goods
Ask the students
Quiet
Now look, Sergeant, lt was obviously just been a misunderstanding
l see no reason why we should pursue this any further
- l'm sorry Madam - Miss if you don't mind
Yes! Well l'm afraid l shall have to make a report out on this affair
- Now couldn't you forget it ever happened? - No
l'm sure your Police Charity Fund wouldn't say no to another contribution Sergeant
Well, we're always grateful for anything, sir
- Shall we say another five pounds? - That's very generous of you
Come along everybody
Just a moment Mr. Brown
Where are you going? l haven't made out my report yet
Yeah but l've just given you five pounds to forget it
Oh no sir
You've very kindly donated five pounds to our charity fund
- lt wasn't meant as a bribe, was it sir? - No
Good, now let's take a few names
- You Madam, sorry Miss - Courtney
- Thank you! You sir - Si
- What is your name? - Por favore
- How do you spell that? - That's not his name
- Giving me a false name, eh? - Por favore
l'll come back to you, Mr. Por Favore or whatever your name is
- You - Yes please
- What is your name? - No, Watt is not my name
l don't want to know what your name is not
- What is your name? - And l am telling you it is not
- You, what is his name? - Nein
Now we're getting somewhere Mr. Nine
- That is not his name? - You just said it was
You ask me if his name is Watt, and l tell you Nein
His name is not Watt but also not Nein
l'm going around the bend
- What is his name? - Absolutely not
Not what?
That is correct
- What is your name? - Wrong again
- He's not here - Who's not here?
- Watt - Pardon
Who is not here and Watt is not here neither
You're all barmy
Mr. Brown, if l promise not to proceed with this report
- Will you do me a favour? - Yes what is it?
Take these crackpots out of here and promise never to bring them back
Even if they've committed a ***!
Good evening Miss Courtney or should l say Miz
Please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate incident
Sorry
l hope you've explained to your lndian lady the difference between Free and Free Offer
Yes, she understands it! Don't worry, it won't happen again
Excuse me! l'm looking for a Jamila Ranjhatt
- Are you thinking what l'm thinking? - l hope not
Why do you want Jamila?
She ordered a mini bike from us over a month ago and she hasn't paid us
We've sent her three invoices
- She actually ordered the bike - Oh yes, she sent in the coupon
- Here it is - Oh no, she's done it again
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