Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Jeana: LAST TIME ON "WELCOME TO MYRTLE MANOR"...
GET OUT!
...AFTER WEEKS OF HIGH DRAMA IN THE TRAILER PARK...
OH, MY GOD.
...AND ALLEGATIONS OF URINATION...
DID YOU *** ON THE BED?
NO, I DID NOT *** ON THE BED.
...JESS MADE A CLEAN BREAK FROM TAYLOR.
AT LEAST, THIS TIME, HE DOESN'T GET TO THROW MY STUFF IN THE RAIN.
Jeana: BUT WHILE ONE RELATIONSHIP HIT THE SKIDS,
PASSION WAS BEGINNING TO BLOOM FOR BOTH JARED AND CHELSEY...
Jared: I'M NOT SURE WHERE THIS IS GOING,
BUT I KNOW I LIKE HANGING OUT WITH HER.
Jeana: ...AND MARVIN AND ANNE.
YOU EVER SHAGGED BEFORE?
ROMANCE IS WORTH WAITING FOR.
Jeana: SADLY, THERE WAS LITTLE LOVE LOST BETWEEN OUR WIENER GIRLS,
AS ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE OUTSIDE THEIR TRAILER.
LEAVE!
[ GLASS BREAKS ]
THE WIENER GIRLS HAVE EXPLODED.
I WILL FISTFIGHT YOU ALL DAMN DAY LONG. BRING IT.
BUT BECKY WAS THE ONE WHO WAS FIXING TO GET HER BUTT KICKED...
I PUT YOU IN CHARGE HERE,
AND EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, THERE'S A DARN PROBLEM.
...AND BY HER OWN DADDY, NO LESS.
IT'S CLEAR BECKY HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL.
Jeana: AND COMING UP, DOES TAYLOR WANT JESSICA BACK?
MISS ME AT ALL, THOUGH?
UM...
Roy: WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY,
YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOU LOVE.
AND BECKY'S GOT ANOTHER BIG PLAN
TO GET BACK IN HER DADDY'S GOOD GRACES.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BEAUTY PAGEANT.
WHAT THE HECK?
Jeana: BUT IS IT ENOUGH TO KEEP THIS TRAILER PARK
FROM GOING UP IN FLAMES?
OH!
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
Gina: OKAY, DOES EVERYBODY KNOW HOW TO DO PRETTY FEET?
RIGHT...LEFT...
I WAS THE CALENDAR MODEL BACK IN 1979.
Amanda: EVERYBODY'S RUNNING AROUND LIKE A CHICKEN WITH THEIR HEAD CUT OFF.
THINK SOME OF THEM LOOK LIKE LITTLE HOOCHIE MAMAS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Gina: AND YOUR NEW MISS MYRTLE MANOR IS...
AAH!
[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]
-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com
CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS
Jeana: ON THE HEELS OF MYRTLE MANOR'S MOST RECENT ALTERCATION,
CHELSEY AND AMANDA ARE MAD AS HELL
AND LOOKING TO GIVE BECKY A PIECE OF THEIR MIND.
BECKY IS ALL THE TIME PREACHING ABOUT HOW,
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, IF YOU NEED ANY HELP,
JUST LET HER KNOW AND SHE'LL BE THERE.
UH, WRONG.
WHERE WAS YOU AT WHEN ALL THIS [BLEEP] WAS GOING ON?
THAT'S WHY WE'RE PISSED OFF,
AND WE'RE FIXING TO LET HER KNOW.
Chelsey: I CALLED YOU LIKE THREE DIFFERENT TIMES
TO TELL YOU WHAT WAS GOING ON.
OUR WHOLE TRAILER IS TRASHED.
OUR WHOLE FRONT DOOR IS ALL DENTED UP.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL THE POLICE?
DO YOU WANT THAT ON YOU TO HAVE THE COPS AT YOUR PARK?
IT CAME DOWN TO A FISTFIGHT
WHERE SHE'S FIGHTING JESS AND LINDSEY...
...IN OUR FRONT YARD.
I WAS PULLING GIRLS APART,
THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.
I DON'T LIKE HAVING TO BREAK [BLEEP] UP.
I DON'T LIKE HAVING TO GRAB THEM.
THEY'RE ALWAYS -- MAN, THEY'RE CRAZY.
YOU ALWAYS GET HIT.
LIKE, WE CAN BARELY AFFORD TO PAY RENT.
LIKE, I CAN'T AFFORD TO FIX ALL THAT ON OUR DOOR.
*** SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED A FIGHT.
I'M THE TYPE TO SIT BACK --
I'M HANDLING IT, DADDY.
THEY'RE VANDALIZING YOUR WHOLE TRAILER PARK
AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT.
WE WERE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT SOMEONE WAS GONNA COME
WHEN WE CALLED THEM, LIKE THEY SAID.
IT'S CLEAR TO ME THAT BECKY'S LOSING CONTROL OF THIS PARK.
I'M GONNA HANDLE IT.
[ CLEARS THROAT ] YES.
OH, I'M VERY UPSET ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN MYRTLE MANOR.
IT SHOULDN'T BE GOING ON.
NEVER BEFORE HAVE WE HAD THIS PROBLEM.
DON'T LET YOUR LITTLE TRAMPY FRIEND COME OUT HERE ANYMORE.
BYE.
TAKE CARE.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
I'VE LOST CONTROL OF THE PARK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
Jeana: IT'S A NEW DAY AT MYRTLE MANOR,
AND BECKY'S LETTING EVERYBODY KNOW SHE'S LAYING DOWN THE LAW.
Becky: I'M GLAD EVERYBODY CAN MAKE IT TODAY.
Y'ALL NEED TO KNOW THAT LINDSEY HAS BEEN EVICTED.
THERE WILL BE NO MORE FIGHTING, NO MORE ARGUING.
IF I HEAR AN INKLING OF SHOUTING,
WHOEVER'S DOING THE SHOUTING OR FIGHTING,
Y'ALL ARE GONNA BE EVICTED.
Jessica: YEAH, I REGRET GETTING IN THE FIGHT.
IT WASN'T MY FIGHT.
I DIDN'T THINK THERE WOULD BE A FIGHT.
THERE WAS.
YEAH, 'CAUSE I PERSONALLY DIDN'T LIKE
HAVING TO FIGHT TWO [BLEEP] AT ONE [BLEEP] TIME.
Marvin: YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES WE HAVE OUR FEELINGS HURT
AND OUR STATUS QUO SQUASHED OR WHATEVER,
AND WE TRY TO SAVE FACE.
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HOLDING ANYTHING AGAINST ANYONE.
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE SORRY, RIGHT?
I WAS LINDSEY'S FRIEND.
LIKE, WHEN WE MET, WE HIT IT OFF.
LIKE, WE'RE CLOSER THAN ANYBODY ELSE,
LIKE, IN THE PARK OR WHATEVER.
AND I DON'T KNOW, I HAD HER BACK.
IT'S FINE TO HAVE HER BACK WHEN IF IT CAME DOWN TO THE FIGHT,
BUT YOU WERE INVOLVED IN THE WHOLE THING.
YOU HELPED HER SPRAY-PAINT OUR TRAILER.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
LINDSEY'S [BLEEP] MOUTH THAT PUT HER IN THAT POSITION,
AND YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET HER TAKE HER [BLEEP]-WHUPPING
LIKE A GROWN WOMAN SHE THINKS THAT SHE IS,
INSTEAD OF INVOLVING YOURSELF AND GETTING INTO THE FIGHT, TOO,
'CAUSE THAT'S JUST STUPID.
OKAY, WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ANY KIND OF FIGHTING.
IT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE.
THAT'S NOT THE WAY THAT YOU NEED TO HANDLE THINGS.
OKAY?
AS WE SEE WITH THIS INCIDENT,
NOTHING STOPPED, NOTHING IS SOLVED.
Y'ALL'S HOUSE IS VANDALIZED.
EXACTLY.
EXACTLY.
NOBODY'S HAPPY.
OKAY?
SO...
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
LADIES, WE'RE GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO HAVE POISE, CHARM,
AND HOW TO ACT LIKE A GOOD SOUTHERN LADY.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BEAUTY PAGEANT.
WHAT THE HECK?
YES, A MYRTLE MANOR BEAUTY PAGEANT.
[ LAUGHS ]
NATURALLY.
WE NEED A POSITIVE EVENT LIKE THIS
THAT WILL BRING THIS COMMUNITY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
I'M TRYING TO TURN AROUND A TERRIBLE SITUATION
INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE.
COULD YOU WORK WITH ME HERE?
[ LAUGHS ]
Jeana: BECKY HAD THIS BRIGHT IDEA
THAT EVERYBODY'S GONNA BE FRIENDS AGAIN
BECAUSE OF THIS BEAUTY PAGEANT.
[ SIGHS ]
Becky: ROY AND GINA, SINCE Y'ALL ARE THE PAGEANT EXPERTS,
WHY DON'T Y'ALL COME ON UP
AND TELL EVERYBODY WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
Roy: I HAVE 30 YEARS' EXPERIENCE WITH PAGEANTS.
ROY, DON'T TELL YOUR AGE.
GINA PROBABLY HAS...
25 -- 22.
25 -- 22 YEARS' EXPERIENCE.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS GONNA BE THE MOST FUN
TO CROWN SOMEBODY MISS MYRTLE MANOR.
Y'ALL ARE GONNA BE, LIKE, REPRESENTING MYRTLE MANOR.
I MEAN, COME ON, NOW.
[ LAUGHS ]
WE ARE GONNA HAVE THREE CATEGORIES --
EVENINGWEAR, BEACHWEAR, AND TALENT.
WE WANT TO GET JARED AND TAYLOR
TO WRITE THE OFFICIAL MISS MYRTLE MANOR SONG.
OH, I COULD SING SOME SONGS FOR YOU.
AND YOU CAN PERFORM IT THE NIGHT OF THE PAGEANT.
OH, YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]
WE'RE GONNA BE HERE FROM HEAD TO TOE, FOR WALKING TO HAIRSTYLE.
SO DON'T WORRY, WE'LL WORK WITH YOU.
I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE IN THIS PAGEANT,
BUT SINCE BECKY IS MAKING US DO IT,
I'M GONNA MAKE THIS PAGEANT AWESOME.
I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS PAGEANT,
BUT BECKY'S MAKING IT MANDATORY, SO I'M GONNA OWN IT.
Amanda: THERE IS NO COMPETITION IN THIS BEAUTY PAGEANT.
I'M DEFINITELY GONNA WIN.
I'M VYING, WITH ALL SERIOUSNESS AND BRAVADO AND FINESSE,
TO BE CROWNED MISS MYRTLE MANOR.
[ LAUGHS ]
YES. BUCKET LIST CHECKED OFF.
Jeana: COMING UP, Y'ALL, ON "WELCOME TO MYRTLE MANOR,"
JARED APPOINTS HIMSELF TO BE CHELSEY'S PAGEANT COACH.
YOU SHOULD, LIKE, DO AN IMPRESSION OF BECKY.
THAT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA.
BUT DOES HE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO HELP HER CLAIM THE CROWN?
[ As Becky ] "JARED, WHAT'S THAT? YOU DRINKING?"
AND WILL JESS EVER TAKE TAYLOR BACK?
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS.
YOU KNOW THIS IS REALLY DANGEROUS, THOUGH, RIGHT?
YES.
[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]
Jeana: MYRTLE MANOR CAN BE LOTS OF FUN WHEN EVERYBODY'S GETTING ALONG.
BUT WHEN YOUR HEART'S BROKEN, IT CAN BE A VERY LONELY PLACE.
Taylor: I THINK, AS FAR AS JESSICA AND I'S BREAKUP IS CONCERNED,
I THINK SHE'S BITTER, AND I THINK I'M HURT.
YOU KNOW, JESSICA AND I HAVEN'T SPOKEN
SINCE SHE STARTED ACCUSING ME OF *** ON THE BED.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? LIKE, IT'S GONE ON LONG ENOUGH.
I'M SICK OF THE DRAMA.
SO I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN BREAK THE ICE, TALK TO JESSICA.
WHAT'S UP, PRETTY LITTLE THING?
WHAT'S UP?
I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN A GOOD MINUTE. HOW YOU BEEN?
BEEN KIND OF M.I.A.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU HUNGRY AT ALL?
WANT TO GET SOME GRUB, CATCH UP ON THINGS?
UM...
Roy: WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY,
YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOU LOVE.
Gina: RIGHT. OH, DON'T EVEN GO THERE.
NO, YOU CANNOT HELP WHO YOU LOVE.
AND HE LOVES HER.
BUT JESSICA --
SHE LOVES THE FACT THAT TAYLOR IS IN LOVE WITH HER.
DID YOU MISS ME?
OF COURSE I DO.
I MEAN, DO YOU MISS ME AT ALL?
OH, MY GOD.
UM...[Laughing] YOU PEED ON MY BED.
I DID NOT PEE ON YOUR BED.
GIRL, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I DID NOT PEE ON YOUR BED.
I'VE HAD SOME DOUBTS ON IT BEING TAYLOR OR NOT,
BUT I WAS LIKE, "WHO ELSE WOULD [BLEEP] PEE ON MY BED,
AND WHO ELSE WAS THERE?" LIKE...
I MEAN, YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.
I MEAN, REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION
OF WHAT IT IS, LIKE,
YOU KNOW I'D ALWAYS RATHER YOU BE OKAY THAN NOT OKAY.
LET'S NOT GET ALL MUSHY NOW.
NO, I'M NOT TRYING TO GET ALL MUSHY.
I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE A CASUAL, FRIENDLY LUNCH.
AND THAT'S ALL IT IS -- CASUAL, FRIENDLY LUNCH?
YOU MISS ME AT ALL, THOUGH?
UM...
Jeana: BACK AT THE PARK, JARED HAS A DAY OFF,
AND USUALLY NO GOOD COMES FROM HIM WITH IDLE HANDS.
BUT TODAY HE'S GOT IMPORTANT BUSINESS ON HIS MIND --
CHELSEY BUSINESS.
Chelsey: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK TODAY?
Jared: NO, I GOT THE DAY OFF.
HOW'S THE PAGEANT GOING?
I GOT EVERYTHING DONE EXCEPT FOR MY TALENT.
I MEAN, YOU GOT THE SWIMSUIT THING IN THE BAG,
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
THANKS.
I'D SAY THERE COULD BE A MUTUAL ATTRACTION GOING ON
BETWEEN ME AND CHELSEY.
I NEED HELP WITH MY TALENT.
HMM. WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?
NOTHING.
WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT? GOT TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING.
I'M REALLY NOT.
YOU'RE A SMARTASS. WHY DON'T YOU, YOU KNOW...
BE A SMARTASS?
DO IMPRESSIONS OF PEOPLE, MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE.
DO SOMETHING THAT'S FUNNY. MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH.
DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME, OR ELSE I'LL KICK YOU OFF THE STAGE, BUT...
[ LAUGHS ]
Chelsey: IT'S EASY TO BE MYSELF AROUND JARED,
AND I'M NOT REALLY USED TO THAT, SO IT KIND OF FREAKS ME OUT,
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I'M GONNA GO WITH IT.
YOU SHOULD -- YOU SHOULD, LIKE, DO AN IMPRESSION OF BECKY.
FULL-BLOWN.
...BE BECKY?
YEAH, BE BECKY.
GET UP THERE, ROCK IT OUT, YELL AT SOME PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHS ]
DO YOU THINK SHE'D BE OFFENDED?
'CAUSE THAT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA.
SHE BROUGHT THIS WHOLE THING UPON HERSELF.
I THINK I'M GONNA.
SERIOUSLY, DO IT.
YOU GOT TO HELP ME GET HER MEGAPHONE.
I GOT TO GET THE GOLF CART, TOO.
THAT'LL TAKE SOME DOING, BUT, UH, IT'D BE GOOD.
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO A SOUTHERN ACCENT.
NO, YOU GOT TO TEACH ME.
I DON'T [BLEEP] KNOW HOW TO.
YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW HOW TO MOCK BECKY.
[ As Becky ] "JARED, WHAT'S THAT? YOU DRINKING?"
[ LAUGHS ] "DRANKING"?
"HUH?! WHERE'S MY MONEY?"
[ LAUGHING ]
"CHELSEY, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"
[ LAUGHS ]
[ Laughing ] YOU SOUND LIKE AN 80-YEAR-OLD SMOKER.
Jeana: CHELSEY MAY BE OFF TO A GOOD START,
PREPPING FOR THE PAGEANT,
BUT IT TAKES A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN IMPRESSIONS
AND A PRETTY FACE TO BE MISS MYRTLE MANOR.
IT TAKES SOMETHING CALLED "PRETTY FEET."
Gina: OKAY, DOES EVERYBODY KNOW HOW TO DO PRETTY FEET?
WELL, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEACH THESE GIRLS HOW TO WALK,
BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW.
PRETTY FEET IS THE WAY YOU'RE TAUGHT TO STAND
WHEN YOU'RE IN PAGEANTS.
YOU WILL STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE,
WHICH IS THE MIDDLE OF THE "T," AND YOU'LL MAKE PRETTY FEET.
YOU'LL TURN AROUND.
Gina: SEE HOW HIS FEET JUST FLOW?
AND THEN YOU'LL WALK ACROSS THE STAGE,
ALWAYS SMILING, MAKE PRETTY FEET.
ROY CAN WALK IN 4-INCH, 6-INCH, 8-INCH PUMPS
BETTER THAN I CAN, GIRL.
TRUST THAT.
NOW TURN AROUND.
STEP UP. NO, NO, NO, NO, OTHER WAY.
NO, HONEY.
I'M REALLY UNCOORDINATED,
SO PRETTY FEET AND TURNING AND ALL OF THAT WALKING CRAP,
LIKE, DOESN'T WORK WITH ME.
THIS IS HARD.
[ LAUGHS ]
PRETTY FEET IS SOMETHING LIKE A NIGHTMARE.
NO.
NOT. OKAY, WE'RE GONNA GO BACK.
WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S SO EASY?
I CAN'T WALK LIKE THIS, NOW.
I'VE BEEN WALKING LIKE THIS ALL MY LIFE.
AS YOU'RE WALKING ACROSS THE STAGE...
YOU GOT TO SMILE.
OH, MY.
I SMILE BIG.
YES.
UH-HUH.
THAT'S IT.
TELL ME SHE HASN'T BEEN IN A PAGEANT.
OKAY. UH-HUH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
Amanda: I'M REAL EXCITED ABOUT THIS PAGEANT
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A PAGEANT BEFORE
AND IT'S SOMETHING NEW
AND I THINK I HAVE A REAL GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING.
SHE'S BEEN IN A PAGEANT BEFORE. I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE SAYS.
I HAVEN'T, I SWEAR.
YOU'RE A LIAR.
I THINK AMANDA WAS PROBABLY THE BEST WALKER.
Jeana: WHILE ROY'S GOT YEARS OF PAGEANT EXPERIENCE UNDER HIS BELT,
HE'S GONNA NEED HELP
TO TEACH THIS GROUP OF TRAILER-PARK BEAUTIES
TO WALK LIKE REAL BEAUTY QUEENS,
AND TURNS OUT THAT BANDIT MAY BE JUST THE MAN FOR THE JOB.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SHOW THEM HOW YOU WALKED WHEN YOU INTO MODELING.
WHEN YOU WERE A MODEL?
MM-HMM.
Bandit: I WAS A CALENDAR MAN.
AFTER ALL, WALKING ONE HAND AFTER THE OTHER, WHERE I...
I WAS THE CALENDAR MODEL BACK IN 1979.
WHEN I WAS IN MY YOUNGER YEARS, I HAD CLEAN-CUT, SHORT HAIR.
RIGHT...LEFT...RIGHT...LEFT... TURN.
THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
BANDIT -- HE REMINDS ME LIKE FARRAH FAWCETT'S TWIN BROTHER.
FARRAH FAWCETT WAS NEVER THAT UGLY...
...NOT EVEN ON HER DEATHBED.
I MEANT, LIKE, HER ILLEGITIMATE TWIN BROTHER.
LIKE, HE CUTS HIS HAIR WITH HIS TOENAIL CLIPPERS.
WHEN YOU WALK, TRY TO GO AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE.
WALK NONCHALANTLY.
WHEN BANDIT PROCLAIMED HE WAS A MODEL,
I DON'T THINK ANY OF US KNEW QUITE WHAT HE HAD MODELED.
DON'T HAVE A STRUT. JUST WALK NONCHALANTLY.
AS A MODEL, LOOKING AT THE TIME ON MY WRIST
WOULD BE ONE OF MY SIGNATURE POSES.
THIS WOULD BE MY SIGNATURE FOR THINKING.
FOR INSTANCE, I JUST GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER,
GOT A TOWEL AROUND ME, I'M HOLDING IT LIKE THIS.
THANK Y'ALL.
AND EVERYBODY NEEDS TO PRACTICE.
Jessica: TILL NEXT TIME.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
Jeana: PAGEANT PREP MAY HAVE
TURNED THE SCENE AT TANGULLS INTO A VIRTUAL LOVEFEST,
BUT THERE'S TWO CONTESTANTS IN PARTICULAR
THAT ROY WANTS TO SEE KISS AND MAKE UP FOR GOOD.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SITTING OUT HERE.
WITH LINDSEY BEING GONE,
I DON'T REALLY HAVE, LIKE, FRIENDS IN THE PARK NOW.
JESS.
HONEY, COME HERE.
WE DON'T WANT Y'ALL FIGHTING AND CARRYING ON OUT HERE.
I'M READY TO PUT [BLEEP] BEHIND US.
ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF TRAMPS.
LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE THE BIGGEST ONE OF US ALL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S PROUD OF HISSELF.
THANK YOU. I'M GLAD I'M A ***.
HONESTLY, IT WASN'T MY PLACE TO, LIKE, GET INVOLVED AT ALL.
IT WAS JUST 'CAUSE I WAS LINDSEY'S FRIEND.
I MEAN, I WASN'T PISSED OFF AT YOU UNTIL YOU JUMPED IN.
THEN, YOU JUST KIND OF LIKE...
Gina: AND IT WASN'T HER BATTLE. IT WASN'T HER FIGHT, BUT...
YEAH, I WOULDN'T HAVE PULLED YOUR WEAVE OUT OR HIT YOU
IF YOU HADN'T HAVE JUMPED IN.
Amanda: I DON'T HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST PEOPLE.
IF SHE'S TRULY SINCERE,
THEN I THINK ME AND JESS ARE GONNA BE JUST FINE.
WELL, Y'ALL CAN HUG. Y'ALL CAN GO AHEAD AND HUG.
Y'ALL HUG.
[ Laughing ] BURNING YOUR HAIR?
WHERE I COME FROM,
YOU GOT TO FIGHT PEOPLE BEFORE YOU BECOME FRIENDS.
ISN'T THAT NICER THAN BEING MAD AND FIGHTING AND PULLING HAIR?
I JUST -- I DIDN'T LIKE LINDSEY FROM THE START.
SHE WAS JUST VERY DUMB AND IMMATURE.
I DIDN'T LIKE LINDSEY EITHER, BUT I WASN'T GONNA HIT HER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
Jeana: COMING UP, Y'ALL, ON "WELCOME TO MYRTLE MANOR"...
WE WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY BIG-GIRL DRESSES.
...ROY PLAYS BEAUTY QUEEN...
AND JESS PLAYS DRAMA QUEEN.
Taylor: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH JESSICA AND I RIGHT NOW,
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S STILL SOME SPARKS BETWEEN US.
WHOO!
[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]
Jeana: IN LESS THAN 48 HOURS,
WE'RE CROWNING MISS MYRTLE MANOR.
NOW, THE ONLY QUESTION
IS WHETHER JARED AND TAYLOR CAN PUT THEIR BAD LOVE ASIDE
AND WRITE A CATCHY TUNE
FOR THE WINNER OF THIS HERE PAGEANT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, GUS?
SO, ROY JUST ASKED JARED AND I TO WRITE A SONG FOR THE PAGEANT,
BUT I KNOW JARED AND I HAD THAT FIGHT.
WE HAD EXCHANGED SOME WORDS.
Jared: YOU GOT A BASEBALL BAT OUT OF YOUR CAR!
LET'S GO.
I DIDN'T DO [BLEEP]
AND YOU GO GET A BASEBALL BAT OUT OF YOUR CAR.
Jared: I'M NOT A HUGE FAN OF THE GUY. I DON'T KNOW IF I TRUST HIM.
HE PULLED A FREAKIN' BAT ON ME THAT ONE TIME.
BUT, STILL, TAYLOR'S MY NEIGHBOR,
SO I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BEEF WITH ANYONE IN THE PARK.
THAT'S JUST STUPID.
READY TO MAKE SOME MUSICAL FUSION?
Taylor: YEAH, WE GOT TO DO THIS PAGEANT STUFF, DUDE.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, MUSIC BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER,
SO LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
[ GUITAR PLAYS CHORD ]
[ CLEARING THROAT ]
UH...
WHAT RHYMES WITH "MANOR"?
UM, "MYRTLE MANOR."
WE CAN DO, UH, "BANNER."
"MANOR" AND "BANNER" -- THAT'S ABOUT IT.
[ GUITAR PLAYS ]
♪ THERE SHE IS -- MISS MYRTLE MANOR ♪
♪ AROUND HER NECK, THE FIRST-PLACE BANNER ♪
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
WHAT SHOULD BE NEXT?
I THINK THAT'S OUR SONG RIGHT THERE, ACTUALLY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
JARED AND I ARE KILLING IT RIGHT NOW.
♪ MYRTLE MANOR, I WANT TO SLAM HER ♪
WE SHOULD PROBABLY JUST SAY,
"MISS MYRTLE MANOR -- I WANT TO SLAM HER.
MISS MYRTLE MANOR -- I WANT TO SLAM HER."
IF SHE WON THE BEAUTY PAGEANT, I MEAN,
I THINK WE'RE ALLOWED TO EXPRESS SOME *** DESIRE
FOR THE WINNER OF A BEAUTY PAGEANT.
ARE WE NOT?
JARED MIGHT BE KIND OF A ***,
BUT, YOU KNOW, HE'S STILL A YOUNG GUY LIKE ME.
MAYBE WE CAN BOND AND HAVE SOME FUN IN THIS PARK.
♪ MISS MYRTLE MANOR, YEAH ♪
I THINK WE GOT IT. [ LAUGHS ]
ALL RIGHT, MAN, WELL...
ALL RIGHT, BRO. THAT'S IT, MY HOMIES.
YEP. I'LL HIT YOU UP.
RIGHT ON, RIGHT ON.
Jeana: ELSEWHERE IN BEAUTIFUL MYRTLE BEACH,
ROY AND GINA ARE ON A TOP-SECRET MISSION.
WE WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY BIG-GIRL DRESSES.
BIG-GIRL DRESSES.
BIG ENOUGH FOR ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
I PLAN TO EMCEE THE MISS MYRTLE MANOR PAGEANT IN DRAG.
THESE ARE 14.
NO, THAT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH. [ LAUGHS ]
DRESSING AS MITZI ROYALE WILL GIVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY
TO SHOW ALL THESE GIRLS WHAT A BEAUTY QUEEN CAN LOOK LIKE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THIS ONE ON?
YES, I WANT TO TRY THAT ONE.
I USED TO DO A LOT OF DRAG BACK IN -- YEARS AGO.
[ LAUGHS ]
I FEEL LIKE DOROTHY OR GLINDA.
YOU FEEL BETTER AS A WOMAN.
NO. WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT I'M WEARING.
IF I'M HAPPY WITH MY OUTFIT, YES.
My God.
MY DADDY HAS TURNED OVER IN HIS GRAVE.
HE LOOKS LIKE A DAMN ROTISSERIE ABOUT NOW.
SUCK, SUCK.
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
I LOOKED GOOD.
I KIND OF HAD THE WHOLE
KIM KARDASHIAN'S MAMA/ KRIS JENNER THING GOING ON.
THAT IS TOO GAY FOR TV.
[ SNICKERS ]
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
I THINK I FOUND SOMETHING THAT MIGHT WORK.
HERE WE GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR TIME.
YOU, TOO.
BYE.
WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP?
NEED YOUR HELP.
OH, LORD. WHAT IS IT?
GOING OVER TO TAYLOR'S WASN'T EXACTLY ON THE TOP OF MY LIST,
BUT DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES.
THE PAGEANT IS TOMORROW, AND I NEED A TALENT.
[ LAUGHS ]
AS TALENTED AS YOU ARE? WHY? YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
GO SING, GO DANCE.
I WANT TO BLOW FIRE.
GONNA BLOW FIRE?
[ Laughing ] I WANT TO BLOW FIRE.
YOU KNOW THIS IS REALLY DANGEROUS, THOUGH, RIGHT?
YEP. DO YOU HAVE THE STUFF?
I WANT TO DO IT.
YES.
I USED TO DO THIS EVENT CALLED TORCH THURSDAYS --
THIS MASSIVE, CRAZY PARTY.
IT WAS FIRE-THEMED. HOT GIRLS EAT FIRE.
AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I LEARNED HOW TO BREATHE FIRE.
WHEN YOU SPIT IT, YOU DON'T WANT IT TO STREAM.
YOU WANT A FINE, LONG MIST. ALL RIGHT?
HMM?
THIS IS A VERY DANGEROUS THING SHE'S DOING.
YOU KNOW, TWO THINGS CAN HAPPEN.
THE OIL VAPORS CAN GO INTO YOUR LUNGS
AND CAUSE A LOT OF SERIOUS ISSUES THERE,
OR YOU CAN ACTUALLY DRINK THE OIL
AND GET IT IN YOUR STOMACH AND MAKE YOU INCREDIBLY SICK.
BIG SWIG.
FEEL LIKE AN ELEPHANT.
BLECH.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU GOT TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH FIRE.
TAKE A SWIG.
I'M GONNA LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.
MM.
WHOO!
[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU GOT TO BREATHE FARTHER.
EW, THAT [BLEEP] TASTES LIKE BUTT.
[ SPITS ]
I'M BLOWING FIRE BECAUSE MOST PAGEANT GIRLS DON'T BLOW FIRE.
BUT I'M NOT MOST PAGEANT GIRLS.
WHOO!
[ LAUGHS ]
WHOO-HOO!
I'M GONNA DIE!
I TOLD YOU THIS IS DANGEROUS.
JESSICA IS OVER AT TAYLOR'S, PRACTICING HER TALENT,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE'S OVER THERE.
THOUGHT THEY WERE BROKEN UP.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS FOR TOMORROW.
Taylor: JUST DO IT.
YEAH, I DON'T WANT MY EYEBROWS TO MELT.
YOUR EYEBROWS ARE FINE.
BUT IF YOU NEED MORE PRACTICE, YOU KNOW WHERE I AM, OKAY?
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH JESSICA AND I RIGHT NOW,
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S STILL SOME SPARKS BETWEEN US.
OTHERWISE, SHE WOULDN'T BE COMING OVER HERE, ASKING ME FOR HELP.
BUT, YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT'LL LEAD TO SOMETHING ELSE
AND, YOU KNOW, THE FLAME WILL IGNITE AGAIN. WHO KNOWS?
Jeana: COMING UP, Y'ALL, ON "WELCOME TO MYRTLE MANOR"...
Amanda: EVERYBODY'S RUNNING AROUND
LIKE A CHICKEN WITH THEIR HEAD CUT OFF.
Jeana: ...THE COMPETITION IS HEATING UP...
OH!
Jeana: ...WHILE JESSICA BURNS OUT.
I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA YACK ALL OVER THE JUDGES,
AND THAT'D BE GROSS.
[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]
Jeana: WELL, IT'S A BIG DAY HERE AT THE PARK,
AND THE FIRST MISS MYRTLE MANOR BEAUTY PAGEANT IS TONIGHT.
PREPARATIONS ARE UNDER WAY.
AND IN A FEW SHORT HOURS,
MYRTLE MANOR'S FINEST WILL BE STRUTTING THEIR STUFF.
DOES THAT FEEL MORE STURDY WITH THAT CARPET ON THERE?
IT'S SO EXCITING TO SEE MY VISION COME TO LIFE.
ROY AND GINA ARE DOING A GREAT JOB.
WAVE, 2, 3, PEARLS, 2, 3.
Cecil: WHEN BECKY ASKED ME TO BE THE JUDGE IN THIS PAGEANT,
I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.
QUITE FRANKLY, I THOUGHT THE WHOLE THING
WAS JUST A RIDICULOUS, CRAZY BECKY IDEA.
BUT MAYBE SHE'S HEADED THE RIGHT DIRECTION,
AND I'M GONNA GIVE HER A CHANCE.
♪ MADMAN DOWN, SPINNING LIGHTS ♪
♪ STEALS THE QUARTERS FROM A DEAD MAN'S EYES ♪
♪ DRIVE 'EM DOWN ♪
OH!
♪ BUCKLE AND BURN ♪
♪ THE WORLD'S ON FIRE, CHOKES AS IT TURNS ♪
♪ WHAT COMES SURELY AND SLOWLY CREEPS? ♪
♪ STICK YOUR COURAGE TO THE SCORE THAT HE KEEPS ♪
Jessica: I'M GONNA BE BREATHING FIRE
IN FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE IN JUST A FEW HOURS.
I WANT TO WIN THIS THING,
SO I'M DOING A LAST-MINUTE PRACTICE WITH TAYLOR.
Taylor: A LITTLE BIT MORE FORCE OR YOU'RE GONNA SET YOURSELF ON FIRE.
[ HAWKS, SPITS ]
YEAH!
Marvin: WHEN SHE DOES IT, SHE CAN DO, LIKE,
A FEMININE POSE LIKE A STATUE, PUT HER HAND LIKE THIS,
AND GO [BLOWS SHARPLY] LIKE THAT.
YEAH, HE'S RIGHT, DO IT.
THROWING FLAME, YOU KNOW, FROM A FEMALE,
SHE COULD HAVE BURNT HER BEAUTIFUL LIPS --
HER LITTLE LIPS, YOU KNOW? --
AND BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE, YOU KNOW?
NOW I HAVE A BELLYFUL OF LAMP OIL,
AND IT TASTES, LIKE, GROSS.
I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.
UGH, NOT FUN. EW.
[ COUGHS ] EW, YOUR TOILET'S GROSS.
IT WAS LIKE PUKING GASOLINE. [ GAGS ]
I DON'T THINK YOU SWALLOWED ENOUGH TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
IT'S JUST THAT, LIKE, IT'S GONNA ACT AS A LAXATIVE.
YOU'RE GONNA [BLEEP] AND THROW UP EVERYWHERE.
THIS SUCKS.
I'M GONNA BE SICK FOR THE [BLEEP] PAGEANT.
I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA YACK
ALL OVER THE JUDGES AND THE AUDIENCE,
AND I'M PRETTY SURE I GET POINTS TAKEN OFF FOR THAT.
UGH.
[ COUGHS ]
GROSS.
NO, I DIDN'T.
YOU KNOW I TELL YOU WHEN I FART. I MAKE A FUNNY FACE.
IT WASN'T, LIKE, MY PLAN TO GO SWALLOW LAMP OIL AND GET SICK
SO THAT I COULD GO BACK IN TAYLOR'S TRAILER.
THAT WAS NOT MY PLAN.
WELL, JUST RELAX SOME.
YOU GOT A LITTLE BIT BEFORE THE PAGEANT STARTS.
KEEP IN MIND, YOU GOT TO PUT MORE OIL IN YOUR MOUTH.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I THINK I HAVE ENOUGH OIL IN MY MOUTH.
UGH.
JUST RELAX, HONEY.
NO, GO AWAY.
WHY YOU BEING SO MEAN?
[ CHUCKLES ]
OKAY, BYE.
GUS, STAY WITH MAMA.
YEAH, GUS.
EW.
Jeana: WE'RE CLOSING IN ON PAGEANT TIME,
WHICH MEANS ROY'S MAGICAL TRANSFORMATION
INTO MISS MITZI ROYALE
IS IN FULL SWING.
Roy: I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT DOING DRAG
FOR THE FIRST TIME AT MYRTLE MANOR,
BECAUSE THERE ARE A FEW LITTLE CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE HERE,
AND I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO OFFEND ANYBODY.
[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]
YOU KNOW, IT TAKES A LOT OF WORK TO BE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,
BUT IF ANYBODY CAN PULL IT OFF, IT IS MOI.
THE PAGEANT IS ABOUT TO START, AND I'M SHAKING IN MY BOOTS.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ INSTRUMENTS TUNING ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ AUDIENCE CHEERING ]
WELL...
GOOD EVENING, FINE LADIES AND FABULOUS GENTLEMEN.
THANK Y'ALL FOR JOINING US HERE FOR OUR FIRST MISS MYRTLE MANOR.
TONIGHT WE WILL SEE OUR OWN RESIDENTS COMPETE
IN SWIM ATTIRE, TALENT, AND EVENING GOWN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE JOIN ME IN WELCOMING OUR MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES.
SHE HAS 25 YEARS IN PAGEANTRY.
SHE HAS COACHED GIRLS, JUDGED NUMEROUS PAGEANTS,
AND IS THE REIGNING MISS WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
PLEASE WELCOME...
Roy: I'M A BUNDLE OF NERVES RIGHT NOW.
I'M WORRIED THAT MYRTLE MANOR IS NOT READY FOR THIS,
BUT HERE GOES NOTHING.
...MISS MITZI ROYALE!
Jeana: COMING UP ON "WELCOME TO MYRTLE MANOR"...
IS EVERYBODY READY FOR SOME TALENT COMPETITION?
...FIND OUT WHO HAS PRETTY FEET, WHO SPARKLES, AND WHO'S ON FIRE.
I AM TRAILER-PARK COOLEST.
Gina: AND YOUR NEW MISS MYRTLE MANOR IS...
[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]
Jeana: THE WHOLE PARK HAS COME TOGETHER TO SUPPORT BECKY'S VISION...
BUT ARE WE READY FOR MITZI ROYALE?
ROY'S BIGGEST TRIUMPH, OR HIS WORST NIGHTMARE,
IS FINALLY AT HAND.
PLEASE JOIN ME IN WELCOMING OUR MISTRESS OF CEREMONIES,
MISS MITZI ROYALE!
[ GASPS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Roy: I THINK EVERYBODY LOVES MITZI ROYALE.
GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO OUR PAGEANT.
ROY HAD HIMSELF LOOKING QUITE PRETTY, I GUESS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
M-MAYBE TOO PRETTY, YOU KNOW?
I THINK I'M SWEATING MY TAPE OFF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I THOUGHT ROY IN DRAG WAS AWESOME.
I DID. I LOVE IT.
OKAY, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME OUR JUDGES THIS EVENING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ON THE LEFT, COUNCILMAN WAYNE GRAY.
IN THE MIDDLE, WE HAVE MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, CAGNEY HART.
AND THEN THE OWNER OF MYRTLE MANOR, MR. PATRICK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Roy: I THINK WE'RE READY FOR SWIMSUIT!
ROY, YOU KNOW THIS IS A TRAILER PARK...
SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE T&A.
OKAY.
WHAT DO Y'ALL THINK ABOUT AMANDA?
SHE'S OUR LITTLE CLASSY COUNTRY GIRL,
AND SHE LOVES MUD BOGGING AND TURTLE WHACKING.
ROY, I'M REALLY SURPRISED.
AMANDA'S BATHING SUIT IS NOT THAT ***.
IT'S REAL CONSERVATIVE FOR HER. IT LOOKS GOOD ON HER.
AND OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS BECKY.
BECKY RUNS MYRTLE MANOR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND SHE'S WEARING MY SHIRT THAT SHE STOLE FROM MY CLOSET.
AND IT'S TAYLOR, THE DRUMMER'S, MOTHER.
YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I AM TRAILER-PARK COOLEST.
TRAILER-PARK COOLEST?
THE COOLEST.
MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL,
WHO'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN/LADY/GIRL OF THEM ALL?
[ High-pitched voice ] ANNE.
[ Normal voice ] THANK YOU.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS CHELSEY.
SHE ENJOYS SMOKING, DRINKING, AND DANCING.
Jared: MMM-MMM-MMM MMM-MMM MMM-MMM.
THAT *** COULD BRING PEACE TO ALL THE NATIONS OF THE WORLD.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS JEANA.
HER FUTURE GOAL IS TO RETIRE
AND DRIVE EVERYWHERE WITH HER BLINKER ON FOR NO REASON.
EVER SINCE SHE BOUGHT THOSE ***,
SHE HAS LOOKED FABULOUS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
JESSICA ENJOYS VIDEO GAMES AND SLEEPING,
AND SHE ASPIRES TO BE JUST LIKE DITA VON TEESE.
I LOVE JESS' BODY. SHE LOOKED GOOD.
*** OUT, SHOULDERS BACK. SHE LOOKED HOT.
AND NOW WE HAVE OUR LAST CONTESTANT, MISS PEGGY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Gina: I LOVE MISS PEGGY.
SHE'S MORE QUALIFIED TO BE MISS MYRTLE MANOR
THAN ANYBODY ELSE 'CAUSE SHE'S BEEN HERE FOREVER.
SHE'S BEEN HERE SINCE JESUS LEFT.
MM-HMM.
[ Laughing ] THEY WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
Jessica: IT'S THE TALENT PART OF THE COMPETITION RIGHT NOW,
AND I CAN STILL TASTE THE OIL ON MY BREATH AND STUFF
FROM EARLIER,
SO PRETTY NERVOUS ABOUT GOING OUT THERE.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
IS EVERYBODY READY FOR SOME TALENT COMPETITION?
THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.
PLEASE MAKE AMANDA FEEL WELCOME THIS EVENING.
SHE'S GONNA SING "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER."
HI, EVERYBODY. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ Off-key ] ♪ OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE ♪
♪ BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT ♪
♪ WHAT SO PROUDLY WE HAILED ♪
♪ AT THE TWILIGHT'S LAST GLEAMING? ♪
[ LAUGHS ] I HAD A LITTLE BIT TO DRINK COMING OVER.
[ LAUGHS ] THE WORST.
A LITTLE BIT OF LIQUOR. SORRY.
WHOO.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHOO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Roy: OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS JEANA WITH A "J."
[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
Taylor: JEANA'S DANCE SUCKS.
SHE WOBBLED AROUND LIKE A HOBBIT WITH SOME FIRE STICKS.
JESS IS GONNA KILL HER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU CRAZY ***.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
All: [ Chanting ] PEGGY! PEGGY! PEGGY!
Cecil: MISS PEGGY IS VERY DIFFERENT,
AND YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SHE'S GONNA GIVE YOU.
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Taylor: I WAS WORRIED ABOUT JESSICA.
YOU KNOW, SHE GOT SICK EARLIER FROM SWALLOWING THE FUEL.
[ CROWD CHEERS ]
SHE WENT OUT, AND SHE FACED HER FEARS, AND SHE BLEW FIRE.
SHE DIDN'T MESS UP. SHE DID A GOOD JOB.
[ APPLAUSE ]
I'M PROUD OF MYSELF 'CAUSE I DIDN'T RALPH ON ANYBODY.
GIVE A BIG HAND TO ANNE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THERE'S A TRAILER PARK -- ONE OF MANY, IT SEEMS --
AND FATE HAS BROUGHT US HERE WITH INTENTIONS AND MEANS.
[ CROWD MURMURS ]
OUR PARK HAS SECURITY -- MARVIN IS THE NAME.
HE'S ALERT, HE'S NICE, AND HE'S ECCENTRICALLY SANE.
Roy: EVERYBODY BUT MARVIN IS DOZING OFF.
YOU KNOW, YOU CANNOT BRING CLASS TO THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE.
[ SIREN WAILS ]
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS CHELSEA.
MY TALENT FOR THE BEAUTY PAGEANT IS DRESSING AS MISS BECKY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
WELCOME TO MY FIVE-STAR TRAILER PARK, PEOPLE.
THANK YOU, DADDY, FOR GIVING ME THIS TRAILER PARK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU, DADDY.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU
JARED, YOU MADE A DIME YET?
[ LAUGHS ]
NO PAY, NO STAY.
EVEN YOU, MOM.
SHE JUST IMITATED BECKY PERFECTLY,
AND WE JUST LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.
AND, CHELSEY,
I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO STOP DRESSING THE WAY THAT YOU DRESS.
Y'ALL ARE MAKING US ALL LOOK BAD,
RUNNING A *** OVER HERE.
I'M NOT MAD AT CHELSEY.
WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE LIKE ME?
Roy: IMITATION OF BECKY.
[ SIREN WAILS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE.
AWFUL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MY RIBBON DANCE WAS FABULOUS. IT WAS GREAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I ACTUALLY HAD PEOPLE CALL ME
AND WANT ME TO PERFORM AT SOME FUNCTIONS.
[ WHISTLING ]
[ LAUGHS ] LET'S HEAR IT FOR BECKY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ARE Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME?
All: YEAH!
Gina: OKAY, Y'ALL, REMEMBER YOUR PRETTY FEET.
Miss Peggy: I'M -- I'M HURRYING.
Roy: OUR FINAL ROUND OF COMPETITION IS EVENING GOWN,
AND OUR FIRST CONTESTANT IS AMANDA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
A RECENT POLL SHOWS THAT ONE OUT OF FIVE AMERICANS
CANNOT LOCATE THE U.S. ON A WORLD MAP.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
PROBABLY BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE THAT'S NOT LIVING IN THE U.S.A.
ARE ALL DRUNK ON SAKE AND FOREIGN BEER
AND [BLEEP] LIKE THAT.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS MISS ANNE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IF YOU WIN MISS MYRTLE MANOR,
HOW COULD YOU RUN THE PARK DIFFERENTLY?
DELETING RULE 17
AND ALLOWING WINEGLASSES IN A PERSON'S FRONT YARD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS BECKY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CHELSEY -- SHE IS OUR FAVORITE FABULOUS ***.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE GROWING NUMBER
OF FOREIGN INVESTMENTS IN THE UNITED STATES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
Man: YEAH!
OW.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS JESSICA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CONTESTANT NUMBER 6 IS JEANA WITH A "J,"
OUR FAVORITE BUXOM BIKER BABE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT ONE FEATURE WOULD YOU CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF, AND WHY?
NOTHING. NOTHING.
THAT'S CONTESTANT NUMBER 5, JEANA, WHO THINKS SHE'S PERFECT.
AND OUR LAST CONTESTANT IS MISS PEGGY.
All: [ Chanting ] PEGGY! PEGGY!
SHE HAS LIVED HERE FOR 30 YEARS.
HER HOBBIES INCLUDE SKINNY-DIPPING, COOKING,
AND SHE IS DATING HER CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART.
THAT'S MISS PEGGY, CONTESTANT NUMBER 7.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHILE THE JUDGES TALLY UP THEIR SCORES,
LET'S HEAR IT AGAIN FOR OUR LOVELY MYRTLE MANOR MAIDENS.
WELL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Roy: EVERYBODY LOOKS SO GOOD.
THEY WORKED REALLY HARD FOR THIS PAGEANT.
[ LAUGHS ]
I AM MISS MYRTLE MANOR.
THERE'S NO WAY I'D SAY BECKY'S GONNA WIN
OR BEAT ME OR -- NUNH-UNH.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
I'M IN IT TO WIN IT.
OH, HELL YEAH, I'M GONNA WIN THIS [BLEEP]
YOU'RE KIND OF TIGHT ON THOSE POINTS THERE.
I KNOW IT, YEAH.
THEY WERE GOOD. ALL OF THEM WERE.
Woman: ...PUSH HER IN.
IT WAS A LOT BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.
DADDY, REMEMBER, I'M YOUR FAVORITE!
Gina: AND YOUR NEW MISS MYRTLE MANOR IS...
[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]
Jeana: AND NOW THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
WHO WILL BE CROWNED OUR TRAILER-PARK QUEEN?
Roy: OKAY, WE'RE GETTING READY TO CROWN THIS GIRL,
BECAUSE I'M READY TO GO HOME.
AND IT'S GETTING LATE, AND I TURN INTO A PUMPKIN AT 12:00.
BUT MAKE SOME NOISE FOR OUR FIRST MISS MYRTLE MANOR.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ISN'T THAT LOVELY?
Gina: OKAY, ARE WE READY?
CHELSEY'S GONNA WIN. SHE BETTER WIN.
SHE'S, BY FAR, THE BEST-LOOKING GIRL AROUND HERE.
Taylor: YO, I THINK JESSICA HAS A GOOD SHOT
AT WINNING MISS MYRTLE MANOR PAGEANT.
LIKE, YOU KNOW, HER TALENT WAS ON POINT,
IT WAS COOL, SHE WORKED HARD AT IT, AND SHE DESERVES IT.
WELL, WE ALWAYS PRIDE OURSELVES ON BEING FAIR
AND GETTING EVERYTHING ACCURATE AND RIGHT.
THE COMPETITION'S PRETTY TIGHT RIGHT NOW.
MISS MYRTLE MANOR IS...
I CAN'T HARDLY WAIT TO SEE WHO'S GONNA WIN OR IT'S GONNA BE.
BECKY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT IS SO FITTING BUT SO RIGGED.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER [BLEEP] 300 TIMES MAGNIFIED,
BECAUSE HER HEAD JUST GOT AS BIG AS HER ***.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SHE IS MISS MYRTLE MANOR.
WELL, BASED ON ELEGANCE AND, UM, CLARITY OF THOUGHT,
I THINK ANNE SHOULD HAVE WON, FAIR AND SQUARE.
[ LAUGHS ]
Gina: WE STOLE THAT FROM THE CEMETERY.
SORRY.
I SHOULD HAVE WON THE PAGEANT.
Chelsey: I THINK ROY SHOULD HAVE WON THE WHOLE PAGEANT IN HIS DRAG.
AS SOON AS I SAW HIM UP THERE, I WAS LIKE, "UH, QUIT.
GET ME OUT OF HERE. I'M DONE."
IF I HAD BEEN COMPETING, I WOULD HAVE WON.
[ SCREAMING ]
THERE'S NO QUESTION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
Becky: I KNEW SHE WAS TRYING TO PUSH ME IN THE POOL.
AND, HONEY, IF I WAS GOING IN, SHE WAS GOING IN WITH ME.
[ LAUGHS ]
THAT WAS NOT EASY TO GET HER BIG *** IN THAT POOL.
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU. THAT WAS LIKE FIGHTING A MAN.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]
Cecil: WHERE'S THEM LIFE JACKETS?
I'M VERY PROUD TO SEE WHAT BECKY'S DONE HERE.
BECKY AND I HAVE VERY DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT RUNNING THIS PARK,
BUT I'M STARTING TO SEE THAT HER WAY MAY BE WORKING,
SO MAYBE I NEED TO GIVE HER MORE LEEWAY,
A BETTER CHANCE, AND BACK OFF A LITTLE BIT.
Gina: JARED AND TAYLOR WROTE A SONG FOR TONIGHT.
THEY WANT TO PLAY IT FOR US, PLEASE.
Becky: I THINK THIS WAS A VERY SUCCESSFUL PAGEANT
AT MYRTLE MANOR.
WE BROUGHT THE COMMUNITY TOGETHER.
MY DADDY SEEMS REALLY PROUD OF ME,
AND THE BEST WOMAN WON.
WE JUST WANT TO SAY "YOU'RE WELCOME"
TO EVERYONE WHO HEARD THAT SONG.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ENJOY THAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
Jeana: NEXT TIME AT THE TRAILER PARK...
[ CROWD CHEERS ]
DIRTY WIENERS!
...THE DRAMA RETURNS TO OUR BELOVED LITTLE COMMUNITY.
Jared: I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU SHAKE YOUR *** FOR OTHER GUYS.
WHAT IS THIS, A RELATIONSHIP?
WHEN THINGS COME TO A HEAD WITH BANDIT...
I'M GONNA BE OUT OF THIS PARK!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! I'M COMING AFTER YOU!
AND BIKE WEEK ROARS INTO MYRTLE MANOR.
CECIL'S GONNA BLOW HIS STACK FOR REAL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON, BECKY?
THERE'S GONNA BE SOME CHANGES.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE WHAT, DADDY?
[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]