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He's my brother
outsourced from India
[Audience Laughter]
You know
*** Corp has everywhere friends
and he's visiting from
our *** Corp Indian department
Please welcome Kirthy Iyer!
[Applause]
I am very proud of Julian
he's coaching Germans into satire
[Audience Laughter]
[One Audience Member: What? What?]
It's translating there
[Audience Laughter]
Give it a few seconds
Hi!
My name is Kirthy
and some of you think that I am an Indian
some of you already know that I am an Indian
and for some of you I am an
Indian Pakistani Whatever!
[Audience Laughter]
Thank you all for coming
for this charity event
You guys are looking... what?
Stay with me
Charity event for struggling performers
[Audience Laughter]
Charity for me
So, please think of a number
and before you put
that much amount
in this hat
Multiple it by ten
[Audience Laughter]
Any of you guys there who
thought about a decimal number
that just means you are a wise a**
please multiply by hundred
[Audience Laughter]
My parents
recently had their wedding anniversary
It's very romantic
They celebrated how they
fell in love the first time
they saw each other
Well, it was more like
they were arranged to fall in love
[Audience Laughter]
You love him
You love her
we'll get you married in one hour
[Audience Laughter]
I recently... few days ago met an Indian
He told me... Hi!
My name's Michael!
I said... Dude!
It's OK...
We're not in a call centre
[Audience Laughter]
Give me your real name!
[Audience Laughter]
He told me...
That is my name...
I said fine...
And then I hung up on him
[Audience Laughter]
You know what to expect
when somebody starts the statement
I am not a racist but...
[Audience Laughter]
I love that by the way
So, I thought it would be great
this is a tip from Kirthy for you guys
Try it... OK
It's great to use that
at the beginning of a statement
but end it with something completely not racist
[Audience Chuckle]
Really F**ks with people!
I am not a racist
but I believe
everyone should have equal rights!
[Audience Laughter]
You can even get attention from people
Like for example your boss... you can say
I am not a racist
But I believe I should get better salary
[Audience Laughter]
For single guys out there... even better
You can approach women
if she is not paying attention to you
I am not a racist
but I think I am falling in love with you
[Audience Laughter]
[Applause]
My favourite one is
when you do something completely abstract
I am not a racist
but how much wood
would a wood chuck chuck
if a wood chuck could chuck wood
[Audience Laughter]
He would chuck as much as he would
What the f**k is racist about wood chucking?
On December 31st
I was performing at the interkulture buhne
Another venue
And I I went... I left
I performed and left for home
And I saw
a lot of fireworks
in the sky
And to be honest
I got a bit confused
So I called my parents and I said
Is it Diwali already?
[Few people laugh]
I can see some of you don't get Diwali
So, let me explain
I am not a racist
[Audience Laughter]
but how come you don't know about Diwali?
[Audience Laughter]
It's an Indian festival
There is a lot of big debate about gun control
People ask me
Kirthy what's your opinion on it
I said I don't have an opinion
Well, here's my opinion on it
I am not really pro gun
I am not really anti gun
I am not
But I have a belief
I am hundred percent in favor of
restrictions on civilians
having easier access to guns
without having a reason
unless that reason is
killing zombies
[Audience Laughter]
[Applause]
I am just saying
I don't wanna be in a situation tomorrow
when aliens invade Earth
I am like
Where are the guns?
Nothing... I am like... Sh*t
I should have voted for Romney
[Audience Laughter]
which is kind of weird because
I am not even an American!
[Audience Laughter]
On that note... Thank you!
[Applause]