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>> Malory: UGH! UGH!
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BIG, FAT,
RUSSIAN SKULL?
OF ALL THE DUMB STUNTS YOU'VE --
NIKOLAI, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?
>> Jakov: WITH KGB SURVEILLANCE TEAM.
THEY --
>> Malory: NOT HOWHOW, YOU ***.
WHYHOW?
>> Jakov: FOR RECORD OF
ACTIVITIES IN KRAKóW.
>> Malory: OH, SOME BLURRY 8mm OF --
>> Jakov: NO, WE HAVE THE
DIGITAL HI-DEF NOW!
>> Malory: WONDERFUL -- SO THEY
CAN BLOW IT UP FOR THE JURY AT
MY TREASON TRIAL.
>> Jakov: IS AMAZING -- NO LOSS OF RESOLUTION.
>> Malory: DAMN YOUR BLOODSHOT EYES.
I'M SERIOUS.
>> Jakov: I WILL NOT LET THAT
HAPPEN TO YOU.
>> Malory: YOU LET THIS HAPPEN
AND, BY DOING SO, JEOPARDIZED
OUR ENTIRE OPERATION.
>> Jakov: DARLING, PLEASE, DON'T SAY THAT.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS
RAMóN LIMóN GOT THE DISK.
HE MUST HAVE GONE ROGUE.
>> Malory: OH, ALL HISPANICS
LOOK ROGUISH.
>> Ramón: [ Cuban accent ] THE
KGB HAD NO IDEA ABOUT MY PLAN.
SO, PLEASE, DO NOT BLAME MAJOR
JAKOV.
>> Malory: OH, RIGHT, HOW
COULD I?
>> Ramón: THE IMPORTANT THING IS
THAT THE DISK DOES NOT FALL INTO
THE WRONG HANDS.
>> Malory: YOU MEAN WRONGER HANDS.
>> Ramón: LIKE YOUR
GOVERNMENT'S...OR MINE.
>> Malory: I FIND IT VERY
SURPRISING THAT CASTRO OKAYED AN
OPERATION WITH SUCH POTENTIAL TO
EMBARRASS THE SOVIETS.
>> Ramón: WELL, HE IS...
UNPREDICTABLE, WHICH IS WHY I'M
PLANNING AHEAD FOR MY RETIREMENT
IN BEAUTIFUL MIAMI.
>> Malory: AND SO, HERE ARE THE
KEYS AND THE DEED TO MY CONDO IN
SOUTH BEACH.
>> Ramón: A NICE START TO A NEW START.
BUT WHAT OF THE FINANCIAL
ARRANGEMENTS?
>> Malory: YOU'LL GET THE MONEY
WHEN I GET THE DISK.
AND IF YOU'VE MADE COPIES --
>> Ramón: I TRIED, BUT YOUR
RUSSIAN WAS SMART ENOUGH TO
COPY-PROTECT THE DISK.
>> Malory: YEAH, HE'S A REAL GENIUS.
>> Ramón: BUT IF YOU TRY TO
DOUBLE-CROSS ME, WELL, YOU
SHOULD KNOW WHAT...KIND OF A...
MAN YOU ARE...DEALING WITH.
>> Malory: OH, RAMóN, I THINK I
KNOW EXACTLY WHAT KIND OF MAN YOU ARE.
>> Ramón: UH, QUé?
>> Malory: I SAID I COULD EAT
THE ABSOLUTE PANTS OFF SOME
SHRIMP.
>> Malory: I DON'T SUPPOSE HE'S UP.
>> Woodhouse: NO, MA'AM, AND
FROM THE LOOKS OF IT -- NOT TO
MENTION THE LEMUR -- I WOULD
HAZARD HE'S TAKING A PERSONAL
DAY.
>> Malory: THE HELL HE IS.
>> Archer: WOODHOUSE, WE GOT ANY
LUBE?
LIKE, AT THIS POINT, EVEN OLIVE
OIL WOULD...
>> Malory: [ SIGHS ]
>> Archer: ...HELP ME GET THAT
DRAWER UNSTUCK.
>> Malory: JESUS GOD, STERLING,
SCHOOLGIRLS?
>> Archer: TH-THOSE ARE JUST
COSTUMES.
>> Malory: AND I SUPPOSE THAT
MAKES IT BETTER?
>> Archer: DOESN'T IT?
OH, AND, UH, WOODHOUSE, I TOLD
MY GUESTS YOU'D PACK THEIR LUNCH.
>> Woodhouse: I'LL DO MY BEST, SIR.
I'M AFRAID THE LEMUR GOT INTO
THE PUDDING CUPS.
>> Archer: YEAH, LIKE I TOLD YOU
HE WOULD, YOU IDIOT!
>> Malory: WILL YOU PLEASE FOCUS?
NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH
THE HONEYPOT.
>> Archer: SEDUCING AND
BLACKMAILING A HOT FEMALE ENEMY AGENT.
I LOVE THE HONEYPOT.
>> Malory: I'M SURE YOU DO.
BUT THIS TIME, YOU MAY NOT FIND
THE TARGET...APPEALING.
>> Archer: WHAT? IS IT PAM?
SERIOUSLY, WHOEVER -- IT'S ALL
THE SAME IN THE DA-- NO.
>> Malory: YES.
>> Archer: NO.
>> Malory: YES.
>> Archer: NO.
>> Malory: YES!
>> Archer: COME ON, HAVE
GILLETTE DO THIS.
>> Malory: STERLING, YOU'RE THE
ONLY ONE I CAN TRUST.
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON
MISS GILLETTE.
>> Gillette: SHE HAS NEVER LIKED ME.
[ EXHALES ]
BUT SOMEDAY I'M GONNA WRITE A
BOOK ABOUT THIS PLACE, MM-HMM,
A REAL SMACKEROONI.
>> Malory: STERLING, PLEASE, I
NEED YOUR HELP!
THIS RAMóN LIMóN IS BLACKMAILING ME!
>> Archer: WITH WHAT?
WHAT'S HE GOT ON YOU?
>> Malory: IT'S...NONE OF YOUR
NOSY BEESWAX.
>> Archer: WELL, THEN IT SUCKS
TO BE YOU.
>> Malory: YOU'LL BE WHOM IT
SUCKS TO BE IF I HAVE TO CALL MY
BRIDGE PARTNER.
>> Archer: OHH, WHO'S YOUR
BRIDGE PARTNER?
>> Malory: THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY.
>> Archer: SO?
>> Woodhouse: SIR, THAT STOLEN
LEMUR BIT ONE OF YOUR
PROSTITUTES RIGHT IN THE FACE,
AND SHE SAYS SHE CAN'T GO TO
HOSPITAL BECAUSE SHE'S "TRIPPING BALLS."
>> Archer: YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS
LITTLE, I USED TO PRETEND YOU
WEREN'T MY MOTHER?
[ ICE CUBES CLINKING ]
>> Malory: ME, TOO.
>> Pam: ***.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
***.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
EW. KILL.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
***.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
>> SHOCK.
>> Pam: SHUT UP.
OH, MY GOD -- ***.
>> Cyril: I HESITATE TO EVEN ASK.
>> WE'RE DOING "KILL, ***, MARRY."
>> Cyril: AGAIN -- HESITATION.
>> Pam: IT'S ON THE ISIS INTRANET.
YOU CLICK THROUGH PICTURES OF
EVERYBODY WHO WORKS HERE, AND
SAY IF YOU'D RATHER --
>> KILL THEM OR *** OR MARRY THEM.
>> Cyril: WOW, THAT IS ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE.
>> Pam: THAT'S WHAT I SAID, BUT
IF YOU GO THROUGH THE WHOLE
LIST, YOU CAN SEE WHAT EVERYBODY
SAID ABOUT EVERYBODY.
>> Cyril: EVERYBODY? LIKE --
>> LIKE LANA AND IF -- I DON'T
KNOW -- MAYBE SHE SAID "***"
ABOUT MR. ARCHER.
>> Cyril: I GOT UPS!
>> Pam: HEY --
>> Cyril: MOVE IT, CHUBS.
>> Malory: DR. KRIEGER'S COVERT
TEAM INSTALLED THESE
SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS WHILE LIMóN
WAS OUT SHOPPING YESTERDAY.
>> Krieger: YEP, WE'VE GOT
VIDEO AND AUDIO, WITH A
SATELLITE FEED BACK TO THESE
HARD DRIVES -- SAME SETUP I'VE
GOT IN MY VAN.
>> Archer: JESUS, KRIEGER,
YOU'RE STILL TAPING BUM FIGHTS?
>> Krieger: NO, NOW I'M INTO
SOMETHING...DARKER.
>> Malory: [ CLEARS THROAT ]
SINCE THAT OBNOXIOUS LITTLE
CASTRO IS SUCH A RAGING HOMOPHOBE...
>> Krieger: Fidel hates the gays.
>> Malory: ...IT'S A SAFE BET
HE'D HAVE RAMóN KILLED IF HE
EVER FOUND OUT HE WAS GAY.
SO, ONCE YOU SEDUCE HIM --
>> Archer: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA.
I THOUGHT NOBODY ELSE WAS
SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.
>> Malory: HE WON'T REMEMBER.
>> Krieger: YEAH, NO, I'M --
I AM ***-FACED.
>> MS. ARCHER, YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL.
>> Malory: I'M BUSY.
>> UM, WE ALL ARE.
>> Cyril: ***.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
UH, KILL, I GUESS.
>> Pam: THANKS A LOT.
>> Cyril: IT'S A BAD PICTURE,
PAM.
>> BUT HE SAYS IT'S URGENT --
SOMETHING ABOUT RECENT
DEVELOPMENTS IN KRAKóW.
>> Malory: KRAKóW?
OH, FOR -- STERLING, GET TO
MIAMI, AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL
YOU'VE COMPLETED YOUR... ASSIGNMENT.
>> Krieger: TAKING ONE FOR THE
TEAM, HUH?
>> Archer: HOPEFULLY NOT.
>> Krieger: WELL, IF YOU DO,
I'VE DEVELOPED A PROPRIETARY
CHEMICAL COMPOUND WHICH MAY COME
IN HANDY.
I CALL IT "FORMULA 'K.'"
>> Archer: AND IT MAKES YOU
TEMPORARILY GAY?
>> Krieger: I DON'T KNOW.
JUST STARTED HUMAN TESTING...
by dosing Danny the intern's coffee.
>> Danny: DANNY IS DEFINITELY
FEELING SOMETHING!
>> Archer: I THINK I'M GOING TO PASS.
>> Krieger: SUIT YOURSELF.
[ GASPS ]
JUST MEANS MORE FOR ME AND
DANNY.
>> Danny: WHO IS LOVING IT!
[ LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> Ramón: MAMá, POR FAVOR, NO
COMIENZAS, EH?
Sí, MAMá, ESTOY BUSCANDO UNA
NOVIA.
>> Woodhouse: I HAVE ASCERTAINED
THE TARGET, SIR.
AND HE'S ACTUALLY QUITE HANDSOME.
>> Archer: AND I SUPPOSE THAT
MAKES IT BETTER.
>> Woodhouse: DOESN'T IT?
>> Archer: NO, IT -- WOODHOUSE,
THIS IS MIAMI.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY COOLER CLOTHES?
>> Woodhouse: NO, SIR, NOT ANYMORE.
>> Archer: AND YOUR SHOES!
BECAUSE HOW HARD IS IT TO POACH
A *** EGG PROPERLY?!
SERIOUSLY, THAT'S LIKE, EGGS
101, WOODHOUSE.
>> Malory: NOW I KNOW YOU'VE
LOST YOUR MIND.
YOU WANT METO DEFECT TO RUSSIA?
>> Jakov: JUST, YOU KNOW, IF THE
WORST HAPPENS.
>> Malory: THAT IS THE WORST!
STANDING IN THE SNOW FOR BEET
RATIONS IN MY BLAHNIKS?
>> Jakov: COME ON!
I'M HEAD OF KGB!
I HAVE MY BEETS DELIVERED.
>> Malory: NIKOLAI!
>> Jakov: FREE STOLICHNAYA,
BELUGA CAVIAR, MY OWN PRIVATE LIMOUSINE.
THE SOVIET SYSTEM IS ACTUALLY
INCREDIBLY UNFAIR.
>> Malory: AND IT JUST SOUNDS
WONDERFUL, BUT --
>> Jakov: HEY, I'M JUST PUTTING
IT OUT THERE.
>> Malory: WELL, JUST PUT IT BACK IN.
YOU'RE THE WHOLE REASON I'M IN
THIS MESS!
>> Jakov: I'M TRYING TO HELP.
I MEAN, IF THAT CUBAN DOES NOT
FALL FOR THE HONEYPOT --
>> Malory: OH, I THINK HE WILL.
I'VE GOT MY TOP MAN ON IT...
OR POSSIBLY BOTTOM.
[ CHAIR LEGS SCREECH ]
>> Ramón: MAMá, TENGO QUE IRME.
[ KEYPAD BEEPS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
CAN I HELP YOU?
>> Archer: WELL, I DON'T KNOW. CAN YOU?
>> Ramón: IS THIS SOME SORT OF
VIRAL MARKETING?
>> Archer: W-WHAT?
NO, I MEANT --
>> Ramón: OR ARE YOU ASKING ME
SPECIFICALLY IF I HAVE A ***?
>> Archer: UH, IT'S MORE OF A
CONVERSATION STARTER.
>> Ramón: AND HERE'S A
CONVERSATION ENDER -- ADIOS.
>> Charles: OHH! BILINGUAL SNAP!
>> Rudi: [ SCOFFS ] THANK YOU.
>> Archer: DO YOU NOT SEE ME
ROCKING THIS CHISELED SLAB OF
HARD MAN-BODY?
I MEAN, COME ON!
ARE YOU GAY OR NOT?
>> Ramón: I AM, BUT YOU -- YOU
ARE SO NOT MY TYPE.
>> Archer: WH-- HEY, I AM
EVERYBODY'S TYPE!
>> Charles: OH, PLEASE.
>> Archer: WHAT?
>> Rudi: YOU ARE ENTIRELY TOO GAY.
>> Archer: NO, I'M NOT!
ARE YOU KIDDING?
>> Charles: OH, MY GOD, YOU,
LIKE, SNEEZE GLITTER.
>> Rudi: THANK YOU.
>> Archer: SO, YEAH, I'M AN ISIS
AGENT AND THAT RAMóN GUY'S A
CUBAN AGENT AND I'M SUPPOSED TO
RUN WHAT WE CALL A HONEYPOT ON HIM.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE ALL
THIS STUFF AND IT'S, LIKE, PORTABLE.
>> Charles: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
BLAB ALL OVER THE WORLD THAT
YOU'RE A SECRET AGENT.
>> Archer: I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE A HAIRDRESSER AND RUDI'S
AN INTERIOR DECORATOR.
>> Charles: OH, MY GOD, HE'S THE
BEST IN MIAMI.
>> Rudi: THANK YOU.
>> Woodhouse: YOU'RE QUITE
WELCOME, SIR.
>> Rudi: IF I HAD A SPOON...
>> Archer: NO, NO, DON'T --
>> Rudi: ...I WOULD EAT YOU UP.
>> Archer: DON'T BE NICE TO HIM.
>> Charles: SO, THIS SPY
AGENCY -- IS IT LIKE THE REAL
CIA, JAMES BOND-Y DEAL, OR
WHAT?
>> Archer: CHARLES, ISIS EMPLOYS
SOME OF THE WORLD'S FOREMOST
INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS, COVERT
OPERATIVES, AND SCIENTISTS.
>> Lana: WAIT, DID CYRIL PLAY
THIS STUPID GAME?
>> YOU'LL HAVE TO PLAY TO FIND OUT.
>> Danny: [ PANTING ]
>> Krieger: DANNY!
DANNY, STOP RUNNING!
WE GOT TO KEEP THAT HEART RATE
DOWN, BUDDY!
>> Lana: OKAY.
>> Krieger: DANNY!
>> Lana: KILL.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
***. ***.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
EW. KILL.
>> Pam: WELL, THANKS A LOT!
>> Lana: PAM, IT'S A BAD PICTURE.
>> I THINK THAT'S HOT.
LIKE, SOMEBODY MURDERING ME --
IT'S SO...INTIMATE.
>> Archer: SO, YEAH, BASICALLY,
WE'RE THE FRONT LINE IN THE
FIGHT AGAINST TYRANNY.
>> Rudi: THANK YOU.
>> Woodhouse: MY PLEASURE, SIR.
>> Rudi: I WANT TO DRESS YOU UP
LIKE A LITTLE GNOME AND JUST
HAVE YOU LIVE IN MY GARDEN.
>> Woodhouse: I WOULD LIKE SOME
NEW CLOTHES.
>> Archer: SHUT UP.
BUT ALSO -- AND SPEAKING OF
CLOTHES -- THESE SEEM WAY TOO
NORMAL.
>> Charles: WHAT, "NORMAL" AS
OPPOSED TO "GAY"?
>> Rudi: IMPLYING THAT "GAY" IS ABNORMAL?
>> Archer: NOT ABNORMAL, JUST... GAY.
>> Charles: LOOK, IN SPITE OF
YOUR PERSONALITY, YOU GET PLENTY
OF WOMEN, RIGHT?
>> Archer: DUH AND/OR HELLO!
>> Charles: SO, DUH AND/OR
HELLO -- JUST ACT LIKE YOU
NORMALLY DO AROUND WOMEN.
>> Archer: REALLY?
BECAUSE HOW HARD IS IT TO POACH
A *** EGG PROPERLY?!
>> [ EXHALES ]
>> Woodhouse: I BELIEVE HE MEANS
BEFORE YOU LURE THEM INTO THE
APARTMENT, SIR.
>> Archer: OH, YEAH, THAT MAKES
MORE SENSE.
SO, I JUST LIKE, WHAT, APPROACH
HIM IN A BAR?
>> Rudi: YEAH, IF I WERE YOU,
I'D TRY THE COCKFIGHT.
>> Archer: A COCKFIGHT?
>> Charles: YEAH, IT'S THE NAME
OF A GAY BAR.
>> Rudi: BUT THEY ALSO HAVE
ACTUAL COCKFIGHTS.
>> Charles: YEAH, LATINO MEN --
YOU TAKE THE BAD WITH THE GOOD.
>> Archer: JESUS, MAN, WHAT IS
YOUR PROBLEM?
>> Ramón: YOU ARE -- BLONDE,
BRUNETTE.
I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR YOU
ARE NOT MY TYPE.
>> Archer: IS THAT WHERE WE
LANDED ON THAT...
>> Ramón: DíOS MIO.
IS YOUR EGO SO LARGE YOU CANNOT
HANDLE A SINGLE REJECTION?
>> Archer: YES.
LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK.
>> Ramón: I ALREADY HAVE A
DRINK.
WHY DON'T YOU BUY HIM ONE?
HE COULD USE IT.
>> [ CRYING ]
>> Archer: W-W-WHY DON'T WE ALL
HAVE ONE AND...
TALK ABOUT IT.
>> [ CRYING INTENSIFIES ]
>> Rudi: SERIOUSLY, WOODHOUSE,
HOW CAN YOU BE SO TOTALLY
AWESOME AND NOT BE GAY?
>> Woodhouse: WELL, I WAS VERY
FOND OF A BOY AT SCHOOL ONCE --
REGGIE THISTLETON.
BUT HE DIED IN THE WAR, AT FLANDERS.
>> Rudi: FLANDERS?
>> Charles: WHAT WAR WAS THAT?
>> Woodhouse: OH, THE GREAT WAR.
>> Rudi: THEY'RE ALL GREAT.
>> Charles: OH, MY GOD, YES,
THOSE NAZI UNIFORMS?
>> Rudi: HUGO BOSS!
>> Charles: SHUT UP.
>> Rudi: SWEAR TO GOD.
AND LOOK AT *** JUST GETTING HOME.
>> Charles: WELL, I GUESS OUR
ADVICE WORKED.
>> Archer: NO, IT DIDN'T.
RAMóN BLEW ME OFF.
>> Rudi: THEN WHERE WERE YOU ALL NIGHT?
>> Archer: WAY THE CHRIST OUT IN
THE EVERGLADES, BURYING SOME
DOMINICAN GUY'S ROOSTER!
>> Charles: FUN!
OH, YOU MEAN LITERALLY.
>> Archer: YES!
>> Charles: SORRY.
>> Archer: I MEAN, LOOK AT MY CLOTHES.
AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
WEARING, WOODHOUSE?
>> Woodhouse: I --
>> Charles: WE BOUGHT THOSE FOR
HIM, AND IF YOU THROW THEM OFF
THE ROOF, I WILL FLY TO NEW YORK
AND FLING ACID IN YOUR FACE.
>> Rudi: THANK YOU.
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
>> Archer: OH, GREAT.
[ KEYPAD BEEPS ]
MOTHER, I HAVE NOTHING TO REPORT YET.
THIS IS A LOT HARDER THAN I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.
>> Malory: HOW HARD COULD IT BE
TO TALK A GAY MAN INTO HAVING
ANONYMOUS SEX?
>> Charles: DO YOU SEE THE
STEREOTYPES WE PUT UP WITH?
>> Archer: LOOK, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M DEALING WITH.
>> Malory: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M DEALING WITH!
>> Jakov: SEE? HERE IS MY NICE
BUILDING, MY LIMOUSINE, MY MOTHER.
OH, AND MY APARTMENT IS TWO
BEDROOMS, SO SHE WON'T EVEN HAVE
TO MOVE OUT.
>> Malory: SO, YOU JUST LISTEN
TO ME, MR. MAN -- GET ME SOME
VIDEO OF HOT MAN-ON-MAN ACTION
BY TONIGHT OR DON'T BOTHER
COMING HOME.
[ KEYPAD BEEPS ]
>> Charles: SHE SOUNDS FABULOUS.
>> Archer: YEAH, SHE'S ACTUALLY NOT.
>> Charles: BUT THE STEREOTYPE
THING HAS GOT ME THINKING
BECAUSE -- LET'S SEE -- RAMóN IS LATINO.
>> Rudi: AND LATINOS ARE ALL
ABOUT MACHISMO.
>> Charles: SO, YOU MAY HAVE TO
OUT-MACHO HIM.
>> Archer: [ Effeminate voice ]
OUT-MACHO A GAY GUY?
OH, MY STARS!
>> Charles: OR -- WAIT -- YOU
COULD JUST BE A SARCASTIC ***
YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
>> Rudi: THANK YOU.
>> Malory: WAIT A -- DID YOU SET
THIS WHOLE THING UP JUST SO I'D
HAVE TO COME LIVE WITH YOU AND
YOUR MOTHER?
>> Jakov: NO!
IT WAS MERELY INCOMPETENCE!
>> Malory: AND I SUPPOSE THAT
MAKES IT BETTER?
>> Jakov: DOESN'T IT?
>> Archer: WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW RAMóN'S PLAYING
JAI ALAI RIGHT NOW?
>> Charles: UM, HE'S LATINO.
>> Rudi: SO, IT'S EITHER THAT OR DOMINOES.
>> Charles: STEREOTYPES EXIST
FOR A REASON.
OKAY, WE'RE OFF TO GET OUR
SCROTUMS WAXED.
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
>> Ramón: ...CUANTAS VECES --
>> Archer: RAMóN, HEY!
I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU!
>> Ramón: Puta madre.
MAMá, HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.
[ KEYPAD BEEPS ]
DON'T YOU EVER GIVE UP?
>> Archer: NOT WHEN IT COMES TO
SOMEBODY REFUSING TO HAVE SEX
WITH ME -- YOU KNOW,
CONSENSUALLY OR WHATEVER.
>> Ramón: HMM.
>> Archer: SO, ME AND YOU, ONE
ON ONE -- LOSER HAS TO DO
WHATEVER THE WINNER SAYS.
>> Ramón: IF I WIN, I WANT YOU
TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
>> Archer: FINE, BUT IF I WIN,
WE GO TO YOUR PLACE AND HAVE,
YOU KNOW, ***.
>> Ramón: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN
PLAYED JAI ALAI?
>> Archer: UH, ACTUALLY,
LACROSSE, BUT IT'S JAI ALAI FOR
WHITE PEOPLE.
>> Ramón: LACROSSE IS GAY.
>> Archer: YOU'RE GAY.
I MEAN, I AM, TOO.
WE'RE BOTH GAY.
>> Ramón: SERIOUSLY, I CAN SERVE
THIS PELOTA ALMOST 200 MILES AN
HOUR.
>> Archer: BIG WHOOP, THAT
LITTLE SQUISHY -- JESUS!
IS THIS MADE OF LIMESTONE?!
>> Ramón: IT'S A DANGEROUS GAME,
AMIGO.
>> Archer: YEAH, WELL, I'M
DANGEROUS ANDI'M GONNA WIN AND ***.
>> Ramón: [ Chuckling ] OKAY.
GO STAND OVER THERE.
>> Archer: WHERE? OVER HERE?
>> Ramón: MM, LITTLE MORE FAR.
>> Archer: WHAT? HERE?
>> Ramón: Sí, Sí, THAT'S GOOD,
RIGHT THERE.
>> Archer: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA BE SAYING WHEN I'M,
UH, ALL INSIDE YOU WITH ***.
>> Ramón: VAMOS A VER.
ARE YOU READY?
>> Archer: YEAH, I'M READY.
WAIT. WAIT. DO I NEED A HELMET?
>> Ramón: PROBABLY.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL...
YOU ARE PLAYING A VERY DANGEROUS
GAME, STERLING ARCHER OF ISIS.
>> Archer: [ GROANING ]
>> Ramón: THERE HE IS.
WELCOME BACK, AMIGO.
>> Archer: JESUS CHRIST...
WHO APPARENTLY USES THE SAME
AWFUL DECORATOR AS MY MOTHER.
>> Ramón: TRUST ME -- WHOEVER
DECORATED THIS CONDO IS NOT IN
HEAVEN.
AND NEITHER ARE YOU, AGENT
STERLING ARCHER OF ISIS.
>> Archer: WAIT.
YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
>> Ramón: DUH AND/OR HOLA!
>> Archer: SO, YOU KNOW WHY I'M
HERE.
>> Ramón: I ASSUME BECAUSE YOUR
MOTHER FORCED YOU TO POSE AS A
GAY MAN IN THE HOPES OF CATCHING
ME IN A -- HOW YOU SAY? --
POT OF HONEY.
>> Archer: YEAH, WHICH IS JUST
SO JUST CLASSIC HER.
>> Ramón: OHH, YOU SHOULD MEET MY MOTHER.
SHE --
>> Archer: NO, NO, NO, SHUT UP.
LISTEN, MY MOTHER --
[ CELLPHONES RINGING ]
>> Archer: OH, MY GOD, THAT'S HER.
>> Ramón: AY, DíOS MIO, IT'S HER!
[ RINGING CONTINUES ]
[ KEYPADS BEEP ]
VIVA LA REVOLUCIóN DE LOS HIJOS!
>> Archer: I C-- I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE HUNG UP ON THEM.
THAT WAS SO THOROUGHLY AWESOME.
>> Ramón: THIS IS AWESOME.
HERE, TRY IT.
>> Archer: NO, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
IT'S RAW, MAN.
>> Ramón: NO.
THE CITRIC ACID FROM THE LIMES
ACTUALLY COOKS THE FISH.
TRY IT.
>> Archer: MMM. MMM.
OH, MY, RAMóN.
>> Ramón: RIGHT?
>> Archer: THAT IS AMAZING.
>> Ramón: MAMá ALWAYS SAID,
"RAMóN, UN HOMBRE REAL DEBE
SABER COCINAR."
>> Archer: MINE ALWAYS SAID,
"STERLING, COME IN HERE AND
CHECK ME FOR LUMPS."
HOLY ***. WAS THAT OUT LOUD?
>> Ramón: HEY, IT'S OKAY.
THIS IS A SAFE PLACE.
>> Archer: YEAH, BUT IT -- BUT
IT'S NOT, THOUGH.
>> Ramón: ARE YOU REFERRING TO THESE?
>> Archer: HA!
YOU FOUND KRIEGER'S CAMERAS?
>> Ramón: I THINK HE IS NOT SO
GOOD AT HIS JOB.
>> Krieger: [ Crying ] DANNY!
>> Archer: DUDE, THAT WHOLE
AGENCY'S NOT SO GOOD AT THEIR JOBS.
>> Lana: [ YAWNS ] KILL.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
KILL.
[ KEY CLACKS ]
GOD, WHEN DO I GET TO THE END SO
I CAN SEE WHAT CYRIL SAID?
>> YOU SERIOUSLY DON'T THINK
THAT'S HOT?
>> Pam: I SERIOUSLY THINK YOU'RE SCARY.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
LIKE, A BIG, SWEATY FIREMAN
CARRIES YOU OUT OF A BURNING
BUILDING, LAYS YOU ON THE
SIDEWALK, AND YOU THINK, "YEAH,
OKAY, HE'S GONNA GIVE ME MOUTH
TO MOUTH," BUT INSTEAD HE JUST
STARTS CHOKING THE *** OUT OF YOU.
AND THE LAST SENSATION THAT YOU
FEEL BEFORE YOU DIE IS HE IS
SQUEEZING YOUR THROAT SO HARD
THAT A BIG, WET BLOB OF DROOL
DRIPS OFF HIS TEETH AND JUST --
FLERP! -- FALLS RIGHT ONTO YOUR
POPPED-OUT EYEBALL.
[ SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> Pam: JESUS CHRIST.
>> I KNOW, RIGHT?
>> Lana: WHAT THE HELL?!
>> I'M WET JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
>> Lana: CYRIL!!
CYRIL, YOU GET YOUR *** OUT
HERE RIGHT NOW!
>> IS SHE FREAKING 'CAUSE CYRIL
SAID HE WANTED TO *** DANNY THE
INTERN?
>> Pam: NO, I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE
HE SAID HE WANTED TO MARRY HER.
>> SHE'S SO WEIRD.
HEY, WILL YOU CHOKE ME A LITTLE BIT?
>> Ramón: PSH!
THAT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THE
PENDEJOS I HAVE TO WORK WITH.
>> Archer: WELL, AT LEAST YOU
HAVEN'T BANGED HALF OF THEM
LIKE YOURS TRULY.
>> Ramón: I CAN'T.
IF FIDEL FINDS OUT I'M GAY,
HE'D -- WELL, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.
>> Archer: AND MAYBE IT'S THE
CONCUSSION, BUT I SERIOUSLY FEEL
CRAPPY ABOUT THAT.
>> Ramón: NO, I FEEL CRAPPY.
I SHOULD NOT HAVE TRIED TO
BLACKMAIL YOUR MOTHER.
>> Archer: YEAH, WHAT'S ON THIS
THING, ANYWAY?
[ WOOD BREAKING ]
>> Charles: GET ON THE FLOOR,
YOU TACKY-***, "WHITE AFTER
LABOR DAY WEARING" ***!
>> Rudi: THANK YOU!
>> Archer: CHARLES AND RUDI?!
WHAT THE --
>> Ramón: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF
THIS?
>> Charles: SORRY, WE'RE A HIT
SQUAD -- FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
>> Rudi: TURNS OUT FIDEL IS
UNHAPPY THAT ONE OF HIS TOP
AGENTS IS GAY!
>> Ramón: AY, DíOS MIO!
>> Charles: HEY, SAVE YOUR
BREATH FOR COOLING YOUR CEVICHE.
>> Ramón: CEVICHE IS ALREADY --
>> Charles: I KNOW!
>> Archer: YOU DICKS WERE
WORKING FOR CASTRO THIS WHOLE
TIME?
>> Charles: POSITUTELY, YES.
BUT WE WERE HAVING SUCH A BLAST
HANGING WITH WOODHOUSE --
>> Rudi: WHO IS FINE, BY THE WAY.
>> Charles: I AM GENUINELY SORRY
ABOUT THIS.
>> Woodhouse: BUT MAY I KEEP THE CLOTHES?
>> Rudi: FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
NOT THAT YOU CARE!
>> Archer: YEAH, I ACTUALLY DON'T!
SO, ARE YOU TWO EVEN REALLY GAY?
>> Charles: AS BIG OLD
TANGERINES, YES.
>> Ramón: THEN HOW CAN YOU WORK
FOR CASTRO?
YOU KNOW HIS STANCE ON HOMOSEXUALITY.
>> Charles: BECAUSE, ***, I
HAVE SOMETHING CALLED A MORTGAGE.
>> Archer: HEY, WHOA, WHOA.
IF THIS IS ABOUT MONEY, I KNOW
SOMEBODY WHO'D PAY A WHOLE LOT
OF MONEY TO GET THIS BACK.
>> Ramón: STERLING, NO!
>> Archer: RAMóN, SHUT UP.
>> Charles: YEAH, LET THE MUMMY TALK.
>> Ramón: I CAN'T LET YOU DO THIS.
>> Archer: WHAT THE --
>> Ramón: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME
ALIVE, BASTARDOS!
[ RAPID GUNFIRE ]
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
KNOW WHY?
>> Rudi: SO YOU COULD BE ALL
LITTLE MISS "HINDSIGHT'S 20/20"!
>> Ramón: HERE, TAKE THIS!
>> Archer: WHY DID YOU HAVE A
SALAD GUN?
>> Ramón: HEY, I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU.
>> Archer: OH, YOU ARE JUST THE
WORST KIND OF --
>> Ramón: ME?
YOUR MOTHER STARTED ALL OF THIS.
>> Archer: SO, GIVE THEM THE
FRICKING DISK!
>> Ramón: IF I DO THAT, IT WILL
BECOME PUBLIC, AND IF YOU SEE
WHAT'S ON THIS DISK -- WELL, IF
YOU WEREN'T GAY, YOU WILL BE.
>> Archer: [ LAUGHS ]
WHAT IS IT, A SEX TAPE OF MOTHER?
>> Ramón: [ CLEARS THROAT ]
>> Archer: OH, MY -- [ VOMITS ]
>> Ramón: BUT THERE, YOU SEE?
IT'S GONE NOW.
>> Archer: OH, GOD.
>> Ramón: SO, IT'S OKAY.
JUST LET IT ALL OUT.
>> Charles: JESUS GOD, DO YOU
LADIES WANT TO PUT ON YOUR
NIGHTGOWNS, CRACK OPEN A TUBE OF
COOKIE DOUGH, AND JUST TALK IT OUT?
>> Archer: GOD DAMN IT!
YOU KNOW, WE'RE DEALING WITH
SOME PROFOUND ISSUES HERE, YOU ***!
>> Ramón: WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
>> Archer: SORRY, I-I MEANT
"HOMOSEXUAL."
>> Ramón: NO, YOU IDIOTO, WE
HAVE A FINITE NUMBER OF BULLETS.
[ GUN CLICKING ]
>> Archer: OH. MY BAD.
>> Ramón: [ Mockingly ] "OH, MY BAD."
[ GUN CLICKING ]
>> Ramón: PUTA MADRE.
>> Archer: NOW WHO FEELS STUPID?
>> Charles: MY GUESS IS BOTH OF YOU.
>> Rudi: SINCE THE LAST THING
YOU SEE IS GONNA BE THAT
HORRIFIC SOFA.
>> Archer: OH, SHUT UP.
I BET YOU'RE NOT EVEN A REAL
INTERIOR DECORATOR.
>> Charles: WELL, HE'S NOT
LICENSED OR ANYTHING, BUT HE'S
GOT A REAL FLAIR FOR IT --
>> Rudi: THANK YOU!
>> Charles: SO, HOW ABOUT STAND
UP AND LET US PAINT THE WALLS
WITH YOUR BRAINS?
>> Ramón: TAKE THIS.
>> Archer: JESUS, A CLAYMORE?
>> Ramón: I CAN EXPLAIN --
>> Archer: YOU WERE GONNA FRAG ME?
>> Ramón: NO, THIS WAS FOR DECORATING.
WHAT? LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO START
FROM SCRATCH.
>> Archer: I DON'T KNOW.
THE KITCHEN'S NOT BAD.
>> Charles: OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU KIDDING?
THAT KITCHEN'S AWFUL.
OH, CRAP.
>> Rudi: NO, THANK YOU.
>> Archer: [ COUGHS ]
RAMóN, WAS THAT NOT TOTALLY EPIC?
>> Ramón: Sí, STERLING, BECAUSE
YOU LIVE TO TELL THE TALE.
>> Archer: NO, NO, NO, BECAUSE
MY MOTHER'S CONDO GOT TRASHED!
GOD, SHE IS GONNA FREAK WHEN --
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHERE'S CHARLES AND RUDI?
>> Ramón: HMM.
I THINK THEY MUST HAVE ESCAPED,
HOWEVER IMPLAUSIBLE THAT MAY SEEM.
>> Archer: THAT DOES SEEM IMPLAUSIBLE.
>> Ramón: AND SO I MUST NOW GO
INTO HIDING.
FIDEL WILL KEEP SENDING HIT
SQUADS, AND HE WILL NOT STOP
UNTIL I AM DEAD.
>> Archer: SO, WHAT, JUST A LIFE
ON THE RUN?
>> Ramón: Sí, JUST LIKE EL
DR. DAVID BANNER.
>> Archer: HOW DO YOU SAY "THE
HULK" IN SPANISH?
>> Ramón: "EL HULK."
>> Archer: GAY.
>> Ramón: WHAT?
WE DON'T HAVE A WORD FOR "HULK."
>> Archer: YOU HAVE A WORD FOR "GAY?"
>> Ramón: "GAY."
>> Archer: GAYER!
JESUS, SPANISH, OUR JOBS AREN'T ENOUGH?
NOW YOU GOT TO TAKE OUR WORDS?
>> Ramón: STERLING!
>> Archer: I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
IT WAS RACIST, AND EVEN THOUGH
YOU WERE GONNA SHOOT AND/OR FRAG
ME, I REALLY FEEL LIKE WE HAD A
KIND OF A CONNECTION.
>> Ramón: [ Crying ] I'M SAD
BECAUSE WE HAD A CONNECTION, AND NOW --
>> Archer: NOW I FEEL LIKE A
***, SO, COME ON -- LET ME TURN
THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN.
>> Ramón: HOW?
>> Archer: WELL, THE BEDROOM WAS
UNTOUCHED BY THE EXPLOSION.
>> Ramón: I'M LISTENING.
>> Archer: SO, LET'S BLOW THE
*** OUT OF IT.
>> Ramón: OH.
I THOUGHT YOU MEANT YOU WANTED TO...
>> Archer: [ LAUGHS ] RAMóN!
>> Ramón: AND JUST WHY IS THAT
SO FUNNY?
>> Archer: NOT THAT.
WOODHOUSE -- HE'S ALL TIED UP
SOMEWHERE, SCA-- [ LAUGHS ] --
SCARED AND ALONE...
[ LAUGHS ]
...PROBABLY DEHYDRATED!