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♪ ♪
Yes! How you doing, everybody? Welcome to Totally Biased!
I'm W. Kamau Bell!
Thank you.
Tonight our guest is a comedy legend and my boss.
Give it up for Chris Rock, everybody. Chris Rock!
Oh. Oh. Oh, now we're excited.
Oh, now we're excited. Oh,
now we're excited. (chuckles)
Yeah, so we have a lot of show to get through tonight,
but don't worry. We'll push on through.
Because, like you, I'm excited to get home and watch
the premiere of Arsenio Hall,
you know what I'm talking about?
Exac... There we go! Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Finally, a black man
on late night television who talks to me,
you know what I'm saying?
Enough with these other Negroes.
There's a lot of stuff going on in the news today.
We'll get to Syria in a second, but, first,
the NFL announced that Bruno Mars would perform
at this year's Super Bowl halftime show.
Yeah.
And that's
kind of been the reaction. "Okay.
Why Bruno Mars?" Look, I get it.
The NFL ran out of fading rock stars and current icons,
so they had to find somebody who was popular
but offensive to no one.
So it was either Bruno Mars or this.
(upbeat tune playing)
BELL: That's my
summer jam.
Bruno Mars is the most likable and unoffensive person of color
you could ever find. If he wasn't a musician,
he'd be America's number one college brochure model.
(chuckles)
Next up, one of my favorite segments.
WOMAN: ♪ Prominent Black Lady News. ♪
Serena Williams won the U.S. Open
for the fifth time, everybody.
Yes.
And in doing so, she's the first female tennis player
to top $50 million in career earnings. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You know,
which... which actually on some level
doesn't sound like a lot of money until you remember
that up until the '70s women were paid
with their weight in tampons. (chuckles)
Crowd's like, "I don't know how to handle that. I don't know."
But of course the big story in the news today is Syria.
And according to a CNN poll, seven out of ten Americans
are against military strikes. Seven out ten?
The last time that many Americans agreed on something
was when we all collectively decided not to watch
the Hulk Hogan sex tape. (snorts, chuckles)
No, thank you. No, thank you. Mm-mm.
In other diplomatic news,
Dennis Rodman held, I guess, kind of a press conference
about his recent trip to North Korea.
So why, Obama, are you afraid to talk to Dennis Rodman?
You're not afraid to talk to Beyoncé and Jay Z.
Why not me? Why not me?
I'm pretty important now, right?
Let's go there, Obama. Talk to me.
You know what though? I think
Rodman's right. The president should talk to him.
In fact, he should open with, "Hey, Dennis,
why don't you shut the hell up?"
Look, just because you wore a dress in the '90s
doesn't make you Madeleine Albright.
(snorts, chuckles)
Now, of course, we all know here in New York that tomorrow
is the New York City mayoral primary.
And I've been having trouble figuring out who to vote for.
On the Republican side, you have... I'm joking.
Black guy! Black guy!
Still a black guy.
Now, on the Democratic side, there's Bill Thompson.
At first, I thought, "I'm definitely voting for him.
He's a progressive black guy." Then I remembered
that doesn't always work the way you want it to.
(audience ahhs)
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, we bomb Syria.
I don't know how it works.
But then I heard about Christine Quinn,
an angry lesbian, and I thought, "Of course I'm voting for her.
"I'm from San Francisco.
An angry lesbian is my spirit animal."
(chuckles)
Apologies to my Native American friends.
But anyway... Then I saw this commercial for Bill de Blasio.
I want to tell you a little bit about Bill de Blasio.
Bill de Blasio will be a mayor for every New Yorker,
no matter where they live
or what they look like.
And I'd say that even if he weren't my dad.
Oh, my God! Look at his son Dante!
That kid looks like he could've been in the Jackson 5!
In fact, there's enough room
in that afro for the Jackson 5!
(chuckles) And of course
Bill de Blasio's also married to Chirlane
McCray, who was an out lesbian before they fell in love.
(audience responding "no")
And not just any lesbian but a woman who wrote an article
in Essence magazine called "I am a lesbian."
I read it. Apparently Bill makes love like a woman. Mm-hmm.
Lots of t... Uh, all right.
(chuckles)
And who could say anything negative
about Bill de Blasio's family? Mayor Bloomberg...
who in an interview with New York Magazine implied
that de Blasio was a racist for using his mixed race family
to get votes. Then he quickly corrected himself saying
that Mayor Bloomberg does the same thing in trying
to get the Jewish vote. Yeah, of course!
Of course de Blasio's using his family.
That's how politics works!
Bloomberg poses in front of a menorah to get the Jewish vote.
Cory Booker looks like this
to get the "kind of looks like Vin Diesel" votes.
(chuckles)
That's weird, right? That's weird. That's...
that's too weird.
Of course, John Boehner uses spray tanning
to get the Orange is the New Black votes.
And de Blasio gets the vote of people who like to spend time
thinking about what happens when black and white come together.
Yeah.
Mmm.
So, believe me, I've made up my mind.
I'm voting for Bill de Blasio's son's afro.
Get ***. Rock the 'Frote.
We'll be right back.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(cheering and applause)
Welcome back to Totally Biased.
Now, the movie awkwardly named Lee Daniels' The Butler...
(chuckles) has been the surprise hit of the summer.
(laughs) That's...
I mean, it's weird, right?
But not everybody feels good about it.
For more on The Butler, here's our own Dwayne Kennedy,
everybody. Dwayne Kennedy!
(applause and cheering)
♪ ♪
Well...
(laughter)
It seems the success of Lee Daniels' The Butler
has taken almost everybody by surprise.
Yeah, surprise. Really?
Yeah, I'm not surprised.
A movie about black people
waiting on white people hand and foot?
Of course it's a hit!
White people love that ***!
It's been proven over and over and over that any movie
that has black folks serving white folks dinner,
or washing their clothes,
or driving them around town...
(laughter and scattered applause)
...is guaranteed box office gold.
I hear DreamWorks got a new picture in development.
It's the heartwarming story
of a clumsy, bumbling slave owner
who's always dropping stuff.
It's called Say, Spook, Pick That Up!
(audience groans and laughs)
It's set for a Christmas release.
Now, even though black people are going
to see Lee Daniels' The Butler,
I think blacks and whites look at this movie very differently.
See, we see this movie as depicting the struggles
of a people trying to maintain their dignity
in the face of humiliating circumstances
as they attempt to ascend to a place of stature
in spite of a spiritually, socially
and economically-oppressive system
that unceasingly tries to grind their humanity into dust.
While white people simply see it as...
the good old days.
(laughter and groaning)
Now, I'm glad that the movie's successful and everything,
but I'd like to make one small suggestion
before they make any more,
"can-I-help-you, white-folks" movies.
(laughter)
Wait till I'm dead.
Which won't be long, because these movies are killing me!
Why don't they make a movie about Charles Drew?
You know, the first person
that successfully separated blood plasma.
Or Dr. W.E.B. DuBois--
the renowned political and social intellectual.
Or Benjamin Banneker,
a self-taught astronomer and mathematician
who helped design the street plan for Washington, D.C.,
which is why it goes in a circle,
'cause they were chasing the brother
at the time he was doing it.
(laughter)
(applause and whooping)
And what do all these black people have in common
beside their genius?
The only clothes they ever cleaned,
dishes they ever washed
or dinners they ever made were for themselves.
(applause)
Now, I'm trying to make a movie myself.
My movie's called
One Day Every White Person on the Earth
Took Off in a Rocket Ship and Never Came Back.
(laughter)
(applause)
It's currently a science fiction movie,
but if I can raise enough money,
I'm hoping to make it into a documentary.
I'm Dwayne Kennedy.
(applause and cheering)
Dwayne Kennedy, everybody! Dwayne Kennedy!
(applause and cheering continues)
(applause and cheering)
Welcome back to Totally Biased.
Now, our guest tonight is not just a brilliant comedian,
but he's also the executive producer
and co-creator of this show.
Please give it up for Chris Rock, everybody. Chris Rock!
(applause and cheering)
Ooh, cold.
Cold. Mm. There.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Yeah.
Wow.
All right!
Uh, welcome to Totally Biased.
Uh...
Yeah, yeah.
I read for The Butler.
Didn't get the part.
(laughter)
I spilled the tea.
(laughter)
I could not get the tea in, man.
That's the one thing you have to be able to do, yeah.
Yeah, man, and I was getting
crumbs all over the place.
I just am not cut out to be a butler,
but I saw the movie.
And it made me want to get a butler.
(laughter)
I'm, like, "I am getting a butler."
Wow, that is handy.
That is handy, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm either getting me a butler, or buy Forest Whitaker.
Yeah, yeah. (whoops)
Wow!
Yep.
Remember, he poured that tea
for all of us.
(laughter)
One... I got... I got
one Denzel Glory tear for that, yes.
Yes, yes. I liked it. I saw it. I was, like, "Okay."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and so, if
you get a butler, are you going white butler, or black butler?
I got to get a white butler, man.
I got to get a white...
Whenever... yeah, whenever I have black people work for me,
I just feel too sorry for 'em.
(laughter)
I give 'em way too much time off.
"Man, you get out of here, man."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think they work for a white person.
You ain't got to listen to what this dude says.
"Yeah, man. The man got you
here again?"
"Oh, I'm the man."
Yes, yes, yes.
Damn, man. Did you see The Butler?
Uh, yes, I did see The Butler.
It is... it is very butlery, man.
It is... It's... Yes, yes, yes, yes.
There's a butler, and
Oprah's in there, and...
It is, like, that is some butler...
Didn't know who...
Yes.
And he has sex with Oprah.
Yes. He talked about that at one point.
Yeah, he-he...
In The Butler.
Yes, yes.
That's what you...
Oh, that's what happens
when you're in the White House all the time.
Terrence Howard will (bleep) your wife.
(laughter)
Which is why he's not allowed into the White House.
Yes, yes.
It's horrible, man.
That's-that's what made me sad.
Nothing else made me cry for the butler, but that.
Terrence Howard.
Ah!
No, he's the... Cuba Gooding's the best thing in it.
He's, like, amaz... He gets big laughs.
I'm... this is good to see him back.
No, it is good to see him back.
Yeah, it's been a little bit of a while.
It's been a minute, man.
He was going direct to DVD for a while.
For a minute, man.
It's been a minute.
He's on Broadway now. Cuba! Cuba Gooding!
Yeah. No, he's great. Yeah, give it up. Yes!
(applause)
Now, now, when we started this show, we got six episodes.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Now we're on five days a week.
We on five days a week.
Yes.
(applause and cheering)
Five days a week.
Now, since you have put this show on the air,
do you get people approaching you?
Hey, you put your own show on the air.
I-I helped. I helped.
Well, what did you tell me when we first talked about this show?
Do you remember what you said?
You said,
"Unknown black guys never get TV shows,
so you're gonna need my help."
Yeah. Yeah, 'cause...
(laughter)
Which was...
I was kind of, like, "Oh! Yay!"
It was sort of like...
that's, uh... Oh, we're good at the end.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because, like, they give unknown white guys shows all the time.
Like, no one knew who the (bleep)
Conan O'Brien was.
Yeah.
you know... you know...
Craig Ferguson?
Like, white guy... white guys crawling out of holes
and get shows.
So, who is this white man?
That sounds like a new reality show,
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes.
I've had a show,
and they'll give Cedric or Steve,
but they won't try nothin'
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, now Arsenio's got a show again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And didn't you
No. Lord... The only reason
I'm here tonight, 'cause I'm just proving to Arsenio
I couldn't do the show.
(laughter)
He was, like...
You've got to be on my opening show, Rock.
"Man, I'm gonna be
in New York, man." "Yeah, yeah, right,
So this is...
You're clocking in here.
(laughter)
Me, too.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm-I'm watching it.
I can't wait
Things that make you go, "Hmm."
Maybe see if Hammer could still the dance.
(laughter)
The Dogpound has been shot; it's 20 years.
(laughter)
The Puppypound.
Yeah. Yes, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
Now, you've been sort of
Yeah, man.
Laying low.
on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee with Jerry Seinfeld,
Yes, yes, I hang out with the rich white comedians.
Yes, you do. Yes, yes.
And you guys, in that clip, got pulled over.
Yes, we got pulled over. We're...
The first episode he's ever gotten pulled over,
Yes.
(laughter)
We had some Maserati, crazy orange car,
he came... some *** car he picked me up in,
Yeah.
And then they beat my ***.
(laughter)
Wow, it's so exciting to meet Chris Rock.
Oh. They gave me
a funny ***-whuppin'.
(laughter)
And another...
And Jerry froze; he didn't no nothin'.
He did not...
He was just eating cereal, pretending
Yeah, he didn't do nothing. He acted like he was
gonna do something, and I just got beat, and he was...
He still feels bad about it. It's like The Onion Field.
He's still... haunted
Haunted by the time
Yes.
Yes.
Yes. Now, uh, so we are
on a daily show-- I know you talk about topical events.
Syria. I mean,
it's kind of cool.
(laughter)
I mean, here's the thing, when Obama got nominated,
a lot of people, Republicans,
"Oh, it's gonna be so different."
Everybody thought it was gonna be, like, different.
We got a black president-- it's gonna be different.
Nah, he's bombing brown people
like every other president we've had.
So, I mean,
and if you're gonna have... Here's the thing, man,
nobody becomes president
and doesn't want to blow some *** up.
You get
Yeah.
Yes.
You know what I mean? If you got a tattoo
on your arm tomorrow, you would start wearing sleeveless shirts,
wouldn't you?
So, you know, he got a army.
He got to use it. He only got three more years,
so he gonna probably be bombing a lot of *** now.
Just to get it out of his system.
Just to get it out of his system.
'Cause when you, you know, you can't bomb nothin' when
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, they don't do that.
So, what do you...
Now, I know you're friends with Barack.
I-I mean, I've met
Yeah.
Friends? I mean, that's, you know,
(laughs)
Yes, yes, yes.
(laughter)
I love the president, though.
I love everything he's doing.
He, yo, he's gangsta, man.
It's like, uh, just his presence...
is... is a...
just the presence of this black president
is a militant act.
Okay? Just the presence... of him.
And people, just to see him every day
is like this... even though he got the suit on
and everything, just his presence is like
a mil... it's like (growls).
Well, you know,
I have one more question, then I'm gonna let you go.
Oh, Dave.
'Cause he got, uh... he got heckled in Hartford...
Yes, he got heckled Hartford, yes.
Uh, you guys talked about doing the...
We talked about it a little bit.
We had one of them sit-downs, like... like De Niro
and, uh, Pacino in Heat.
(laughter)
Like, we literally sat down,
table to table, like, facing each other
at the Comedy Cellar one night and talked about it.
But, uh,
I don't know, you know, I... I could do it
at the end of the... I could do it early next year,
but, uh, Dave don't really like to plan things.
Dave... Dave...
Dave's a little more spontaneous than me.
But, uh, you know,
hey, man, I love Dave.
Dave's my favorite comedian in the whole world.
Nobody makes me laugh harder
(audience whooping)
And... I would... I would love to work with him
Well, uh, my last thing to say is,
Chris, I really appreciate all you've done for me
and this show.
I just want to say that publicly.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you're great.
You're great. You're great.
No, no, no, always... people always...
I got a lot of friends, they go, "Oh, man,
you helped me out, you helped me out."
I only help you if you suck.
If you good, I didn't do much, you know what I mean?
I just, you know, you're good.
You're funny. You should have
your own show.
It's all good.
Chris Rock, everybody! Chris Rock!
(whooping, applause)
See Chris Rock on Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell
occasionally on FX.
Give it up for Chris Rock, everybody! Chris Rock!
(cheering, whooping)
Welcome back to Totally Biased.
Now, before we go tonight, I want to show you this video
that helps us answer the question:
Is twerk finally dead?
♪ ♪
(gasps)
(gasping)
(screaming)
Yes, it is.
Not only is it dead, it's been cremated.
Thank you for watching Totally Biased!
Thanks to my guest Chris Rock. See you tomorrow!
And remember to stay
totally biased...!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org