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A MOVIE BY £UKASZ JEDYNASTY AND FRIENDS
Can we go now?
I canít even finish watching a good movie in this house.
Canít you go fishing by yourself?
I got married so that I wouldnít have to go fishing on my own.
Youíve been acting really weird since you got the sack from the police.
Are you going to go on about this every single day?
Of course not, the idiot who wanted to go after the Czech mafia!
Paranoid cops like you should be put in jail.
You know the Czechs: a pint of beer, some dumplings... But not a freaking mafia!
Take the landing nets, Iíll wait in the car.
POLAND, CENTRAL EUROPE JUNE 11TH, 2008
Marta, go and dig for worms for me, will you, honey?
Do it yourself.
Can you at least pass me the ***, then?
Theyíre playing that Czech *** on the radio again.
Oooh!
Come on!
Is that it? I thought we were going to walk a bit more...
But my legs hurt.
OK then.
Excuse me please, but if you want a *** picnic then you should go to the other side of the river!
Why? Who says we can't have a picnic here?
Who? Snipers!
Oh, well... Thatís a different story, then.
Those frigging Poles.
CZECH MOVIE
Starring
Music
Screenplay and director
Nurse, 500 milligrams of ascorbic acid and 200 milligrams of rutinoscorbin, please.
- Howís the pulse? - Steady.
Iím also going to need some effervescent calcium and a... dry sausage.
No, the sausage is for me. You know, I donít like to operate on an empty stomach.
Now, the skull.
His! What do you call it... the CT scan.
Wow, this guy was lucky! The bullet only just missed his brain.
OK. A needle, thread, and off we sew.
3 YEARS LATER
WARSAW, POLAND SEPTEMBER 19TH, 2011
Doctor! KrÛlikowski is waking up!
- Whatís going on? - The patient is waking up.
Iíll be right back.
Iím going... to get the flowers.
Marta, go and dig for worms... for meÖ honey?
Hello, can you hear me?
Mr KrÛlikowski, can you hear me?
Hello?
Mr President, Itís Doogie Houser.
KrÛlikowski is waking up, I was told to make a call, just in case.
OK, OK, but you were supposed to kill him!
I know what I was supposed to do...
But apparently he has developed resistance to tiopental and strychnine.
Listen, donít worry, Iíll take care of everything.
Iím going to run for the President of the Polish Football Association...
The preparations for the EURO are well under way.
The stadium is technically ready.
Almost all the highways - all 3 kilometres of them ñ are practically completed...
Iíve brought you some dumplings. Itís better than this.
But I hate dumplings.
Nurse, what happened with my wife?
She used to come here. A very beautiful woman.
But I havenít seen her for a while.
How long?
2 years... more or less.
What time do you get off tonight?
ìHANDICRAFTS FOR CHILDREN"
Hello?
Good morning, Mr President.
Oh, hello Krtek, it's me, speaking.
Iím calling because you left a message on my answerphone.
Listen, do you have the money for me?
Guess...
Of course I do.
You do? Fantastic! Thatís terrific!
Listen...
Letís meet in two... two and a half hours in the Skaryszewski Park.
Is it easy to find?
Easy, very easy. It is opposite the National Stadium.
Yeah, I know it. Iíve been there once, maybe... maybe twice.
OK, OK, listen, tatty-bye then.
See you, you old ***.
Yeah, bye-bye, kisses.
5 million euro for the two of us... Thatís 3,5 million per head!
Weíre going to be rich!
OK, Iím off.
***...
Finally!
Morning! Whatís up, you old ***?
How are things, colonel Krtek?
Generally fine, but Iím a bit upset because I didnít pull at all yesterday.
This capital of yours is generally overrated.
OK, go on and chew my ear off...
But I care more about that bag which youíve got there, the one with my cash.
Cash? Sure, Iíve got it. 5 million euro.
Wait a minute!
The documents!
Well, I wouldnít lie to you, right?
I donít know why you want that EURO...
WITHDRAWAL FROM HOSTING THE EURO 2012
...itís going to be such a burden. Youíll need to build highways... roads... stadiums...
But this money smells good.
Youíre going to beg the Italians on your knees that they take away the EURO from you.
For ***'s sake, Krtek! Youíre not going to kill me, are you?!
That new haircut of yours is making my knees melt.
Oh, ***!
You - out!
A mushroom!
Easy, honey. Heís in the forest, Iíll take him down.
Hello Zajπc, itís Kleber.
Listen... Letís meet at the usual place.
But wait! You fired me from the police, what do you want to talk about?
OK, OK, but I have certain information
that might be of interest to you. About your wife... for example.
OK, see you then.
Iíll have a glass of red wine and dumplings with sheep cheese.
And Iíll have some potatoes, pork chop and bigos. Oh and some *** to go with that.
We donít have any pork chops.
Just *** then.
We donít have any ***. Thereís beer.
Are you sure itís a Polish restaurant?
Listen, you joke of a waiter, if you donít bring me some *** right away
Iíll take your *** dumplings and I'll stick them so deep up your ***,
that your mom will have trouble finding them. Understand?
Zajπc, my people established that someone wants to sell Poland to the Czechs.
Do you realize what that means?
Cheap beer, hockey,
and Silvia Saint reading the news instead of some moustached guy?
No, no, no, dude...
We're about to lose independence!
Kleber, why the *** should I care?
Someone is shooting at me, I wake up after three years in a come, and what?
Itís all ***!
I need to sort out my life somehow.
You said you knew something about Marta.
Do you really still care about that chick?
Donít speak like that about my woman.
Waiter, this table has stains on it.
Marta left for Thailand, with some MP from the Self-Defence party.
That ex-wife of yours... itís a sad story.
Ex? How come? I didnít divorce her.
You didnít have to.
You were practically unofficially proclaimed theoretically officially dead
so she became a widow. End of story.
Tomek, the country needs you!
I donít give a damn!
NAPLES, ITALY SEPTEMBER 20TH, 2011
Deretano!
Bosso!
The Poles have something that I want.
They want to sell the rights to EURO to the Czechs, and we're going to scam them all.
Youíre going to go there and bring what is ours.
Great idea, boss!
Sure.
Everything has been set.
Italia 2012... Yeah, itís going to be beautiful.
WARSAW, POLAND SEPTEMBER 20TH, 2011
- Hi. - Hi.
Iím Kasia. I live next door.
Do you have any plant fertilizer by any chance?
WARSAW, POLAND SEPTEMBER 20TH, 2011
***!
Are you sleeping?
Are you sleeping?
Are you sleeping?!
Do you fancy one more?
I canít handle a seventh time.
How about a coffee then?
Coffee? ***!
CUSTOMS AREA
Excuse me, my friend Warsaw-Praga?
We are... Oh, Praga? You want to get there?
Itís simple. Take the 306 bus to Aleja Krakowska,
then take a tram from there, or a bus, the 506, 406, 12, 15...
Then take the metro to the GdaÒska Station, from there you need to get to the Rados≥awa roundabout,
then the other metro line to the other side and youíre in Praga.
- Me no understand. - Youíll be fine.
Do you have any idea who that might have been?
I know one thing for sure - they were after me.
So itís either the Germans... or the Czechs.
Unless I forgot to pay the TV licence.
- So? Nine oíclock? - OK then.
Until then I will have to stir up patriotism within me.
- But how are you going to do that? - I have an idea.
Poland, my homeland
Poland, my country the Republic
Even though it has the word ìpublicî in its name there is nothing common about it
Poland, my country This is... my country
And the word ìcountryî rhymes with ìone treeî
The tree of paradiseÖ And if it makes a rhyme then it has to be true
So, love Poland, my friend only Poland
Imagine that you could have been born
in some other country Now you would be a sad Englishman, a Yank
or Swiss
Poland
When youíre walking along the street and youíre looking up in the sky
Remember that this is Polish sky
Not some *** Swedish or Portuguese not even Russian
CAPITAL CITY POLICE HEADQUARTERS IN WARSAW
Come in!
Ah, I knew youíd come. Have a seat.
Welcome back to the force, officer KrÛlikowski.
Ah, just so that this is clear: the investigation on the Czech case is confidential.
I am your only connection, is that clear?
But why?
Iím almost sure that we have a leak.
Some *** around here has been snitching to the Czech embassy.
Iím not going to do it with such a piece of ***!
Hey, what are you looking for?!
Do you know if I can get a gun around here?
And do you know that hugging trees is really good for your health?
Do you have a gun for sale or not?
Wait a minute, Iíll check in the shed.
See, you wouldnít believe the things that people throw away.
Last Wednesday, Mietek and I found two AK-47s.
One of them still had an inscription on it, you know, in Russian, beautiful:
ìDonít ask any questions, just shootî.
And last week, when we were scouring through an old pick-up truck
we pulled out some of that weed, you know, from underneath the upholstery.
He fed some to the cows and they ran the *** away to the Netherlands.
And last month, we found a whole MIG fighter jet in the woods.
How much do you want for it?
Forty. Special price for you. Almost for free.
- Iíll take it! - Letís go to the cash desk.
- Can I pay by a credit card? - Uhm... Yes, give me a second.
Your card, please. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sign here, please.
ZAJONC
- A copy for you, sir. Thank you. - Thank you.
You idiot!
Kaúka, please understand, it was an accident!
You moron, you could have killed me!
Really? Then why did you not kill him in the first place?
What, you liked him, eh?
Jealous?
Iím sorry...
Come here.
- Did you arrange to meet him? - Yes.
Good. You have to complete the mission.
Here is a vial filled with cyanide. You know what to do.
I wonít do it.
Kasia, we need the money that Krtek has.
I want to have a family with you, build a house, plant a tree...
Iíll take the shortcut!
Yipee!
Good evening, Zajπc.
Jaromir and I have loaded guns under our coats
one move and youíre dead.
Whereís the other one?
For Christís sake!
Now, would you please stand up?
Dude, I donít have the time but as you wish...
Jesus Christ!
- Do you still want to fight, ***? - No!
Oh no, he ran up the tree.
I will take him down with an edible snail!
Oh ***, a guy from the secret service.
Iíll be late for a date... I need to take a dump.
OK, Iíll take a dump at her place.
- Hi. - I thought you werenít coming.
Have a seat, make yourself comfortable.
- But I need to have a quick *** first. - Down the hallway.
Sit down, I've made dumplings. With garnish.
You know what? Iíd rather have a sandwich, dumplings make me sick.
Generally, some weird stuff has been happening to me. My feet itch, my armpits do too,
I feel like *** all the time, I *** like a pregnant woman, and I sweat excessively...
I wanted to be nice, kind, and you?!
Take it easy! Iíll eat those dumplings!
Itís not about the dumplings, you moron!
Yeah, now I know! A Czech gun, dumplings,
it was you at the hospital. You Czech ***!
Iím not Czech. Put simply, Czech money doesn't stink.
I feel sorry for you, youíre a nice guy, but youíre such a sucker.
I didnít succeed then, at the hospital, but there is luck in leisure.
I think you wanted to say that a missed opportunity...
might never happen again. Get up, weíll eat out.
Oh, ***. Itís those dumplings...
What the hell was that? Canít you do a single thing right?
- But the cyanide has worked. - The cyanide has worked... Listen...
- Krtek has sent new instructions. - What about?
- Have a look over there, Iíll show you. - Where?
Those frigging Poles! Iíll take care of them tomorrow.
WARSAW, POLAND SEPTEMBER 22ND, 2011
Did you watch îStrictly come pole dancingî on TV last night?
No, I went fishing yesterday, but it wasnít my day at all.
I was thinking about going carp fishing today.
Why did they make you cancel the rest of your holiday?
Krzysiek from the traffic department had broken his leg and the president had got killed as well.
Krzysiek broke his leg?!
Someoneís coming.
What the *** is that?
Holy ***, my Halina had to go to work with wet hair again.
Get him!
- Good morning, officer. Is there a problem? - No, itís just a routine check.
Can I please have your driving licence, registration certificate, and your ID card, if you have it on you.
As for the registration certificate, itís my friendís car, heís asleep there, on the back seat.
- Tired? - No, hammered. We went fishing.
And? I went yesterday but all I caught was just two small perches, and then it all went quiet.
Wait a minute, if you went fishing then where are your fishing rods?
In the trunk, as usual.
- And who is this? - Her? A friend.
Uhm.
Hey, ***...
What?
- Think: the trunk. - Yeah, a dead ***Ö
- But there were no fishing rods! - Oh, ***!
Hey buddy, have you seen a red Toyota by any chance?
[mumbles terribly]
Uhm, thanks.
Hello?
Good morning, chairman.
I donít understand what youíre saying to me!
Oddly, I seem to attract you but Iím afraid itís the last time we meet.
Take the spoon and start digging!
Eh, you Poles. Always having that daredevil streak, fighting tanks with sabres,
*** lancers.
You need to do it differently, wait for the enemy to lower its guard...
Hey, donít slack off, carry on digging! Itís not the Peopleís Republic of Poland!
How could you know what the Peopleís Republic of Poland was, you Czech ***?
Mind your *** language, you ***.
I used to be a Pole, too.
I was up to my ears in that *** for a half of my life.
Until one day I went on a trip to Prague.
I saw normal people, beautiful streets, a completely different world.
Everything was different, it was good.
I applied for citizenship straight away...
But hey, no chit-chat, dig the *** hole!
- Hello? - Colonel...
***, Iím really angry that you did not kill Zajπc!
I want Zajπc dead by tomorrow midnight.
- Job done. - And what about Kaúka?
Kaúka will be lying next to him in a hole in the ground in just a minute.
Naive girl. She thought Iíd have a relationship with a Polish girl.
Peachy!
I can already imagine all the mushrooms that will grow over you.
God, I was so stupid!
- Who is behind all this? - Colonel Krtek.
He wants to sell the EURO 2012 to the Czechs.
- Where is he now? - In Praga.
Prague? Oh crap, weíre not going to make it.
Praga! In Warsaw!
Quick! Get in the car!
Itís 6 p.m., time for the news. Iím Jolanta OpieÒka, good afternoon.
The search is still under way for the assassin of the president Rafa≥ Mroczek.
Oh, ***!
The presidentís body was found yesterday morning in Warsaw's Skaryszewski Park.
Hello?
Kleber, whatís this whole affair with the president about?
- Zajπc? Are you still alive? - Why are you so surprised?
Everything is on the right track. Iíll call you when everything is over.
Zajπc, what the hell are you talking about?
I got a call from the Social Security Authority, you are behind with your contributions.
3 years behind!
For ***ís sake! Who cares about social security now?
Kleber, the Czechs want to pinch the EURO from us.
Zajπc, for crying out loud, stop talking ***!
You shot one of the best people from the secret service. Things donít look rosy.
I wonít be able to cover up for you any longer, and the Czech case is over.
Over my dead body, Kleber!
...and young, pretty women, who like police officers.
Or anyone who likes police officers.
Hereís your ticket.
If those are real Czechs then youíll have to get out of this city.
- Will I see you again? - I doubt it.
Hello?
Boss, itís Deretano.
Deretano! Remember to kill the sender.
Yes, boss.
I donít like to be passed over in business.
See you in Naples.
Excellent!
Iím right here, officer KrÛlikowski.
So itís you... Kleber.
Put your gun on the floor.
Iím impressed, Zajπc. Really.
Youíre a persistent ***, a true cop.
If you've been behind all this then why didnít you kill me back then
in the restaurant?
Ah, thereís the courier.
I didnít spend the last 5 years planning this
to get busted over a *** of some cop.
Shut up, you ***!
And besides, you know, the whole deal with the Czechs is not just for the money.
I mean obviously the money matters, but it's been such a lovely intellectual nourishment
to be able to screw over the whole Poland with its rivers and storks,
white eagles and whatever else is that you like in this Polish vale of tears, Zajπc.
- And what about Ukraine, they... - Yushchenko sold the EURO for a crate of Becherovka.
Any more questions?
Italiano, come on in.
Hereís the documento, and you'll get the rest from the Czech party in Kosice.
Youíve got everything in there, anyway.
- Sender who is? - Of course itís me.
Is there a problem?
Excuse me, but... my plane.
Youíre not going to ìmi scusaî me, you frigging Italian.
***!
WITHDRAWAL FROM HOSTING THE EURO 2012
Do you need a ride anywhere, sweetie?
Jump in!
Voice-over: Tomasz Knapik