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I'm here to talk to you about the most serious issue facing our country: I'm here to talk to you about the situation in Iraq.
And I want to start with this: I don't care how you feel about the war, I don't care how you feel about the President...
...I think the individual troops over there deserve our support and I hope you'll join me in a round of applause.
I can't believe I have to give a disclaimer before asking for a round of applause for the troops.
But the political situation in our country, ladies and gentlemen, has become so divisive.
I experienced that divisiveness first-hand when I moved from liberal Seattle...
...to conservative eastern Washington, with a bumper sticker on my car.
I brought it here to show you tonight. The bumper sticker said, "Bring the troops home."
Not a big deal in Seattle, right?
But after getting my *** kicked multiple times outside of Barnaby's pub in Walla Walla, Washington...
...I decided I needed to do something different to fit in, right?
So I traded in that bumper sticker. I got a new bumper sticker that said "Leave the troops there."
That one didn't work either.
So then I went for something neutral: I got a bumper sticker that said "I don't know about the troops."
Thank you, and I'm selling these after the show, or on my website standupeconomist.com.
And can I just say that this set is going much better than when I did it last week in Texas?
Because when I did this set last week in Texas, this great big dude jumped up in the back...
...and he glared at me and he was like, "That is the most offensive bumper sticker I've ever seen!"
Well, I'm like the President, people, I don't back down... even when I ought to.
So when this guy glared at me I glared right back at him...
...and I said, "You think this is the most offensive bumper sticker you've ever seen?"
And I reached into my bag and I said "Apparently you haven't seen this one. It says 'If the troops weren't all in Iraq I'd shoot one myself.'"
Now, this, I said, this is an offensive bumper sticker.
I mean, this bumper sticker is so offensive the bumper sticker companies on the internet refused to print it out for me.
I had to get them hand-made... ...in New Jersey.
This guy in Texas, ladies and gentlemen, you should have seen the look on his face.
I mean, I knew that I had won the argument about which was the more offensive bumper sticker.
What I didn't know was that he was going to be an incredibly sore loser.
Apparently what I thought of as my rights under the 1st Amendment...
...were in conflict with what he thought of as his rights under the 2nd Amendment.
But like I said, people, I don't back down, I'm like the President.
So when this guy glared at me again and asked me if I was selling these bumpers stickers too...
...I said "Bring it on! How many would you like to buy?"
And he jumped up on the stage, he ripped the bumper sticker out of my hand, he got right up in my face...
... and he said, "I would never buy that bumper sticker and put it on my car!"
And I said, "You dumb-***. You're not supposed to put it on your own car."
The instructions are right on the back: "Step 1: Locate Hummer."
Some of you were starting to doubt my patriotism, so let me be clear about my point.
If you're driving a Humvee around Baghdad, I want to thank you for the sacrifices that you're making for our country.
If you're driving a Humvee around Brooklyn, I want to put my foot up your ***.
I totally support the troops. I have extra respect for the military because I'd be such a terrible fit for the military.
I mean, look at my arms. I'm like human veal.
If I got sent to boot camp I'd be afraid the drill sergeant would tell me to drop and give him 5 push-ups.
Because I don't know if I can do 5 push-ups. I can't remember the last time I ran a mile.
I only have one thing going for me as far as the military is concerned: I am not openly homosexual.
But if they reinstate the draft, ladies and gentlemen, that is going to change.
It is going to change in a snap.
I'm still working on my snaps.
But it's not just going to be me, though, because that's the military's policy, right?
If you're out, you can't get in. You can't even get by if you're bi.
So if they reinstate the draft, gay is going to be the new Canada.
Hey, my name is Yoram Bauman, you guys are awesome, have a great night.