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Hi Everybody, I'm Lori Petro and you are watching another episode of our weekly Q&A where I
show you how to create TEACH able Moments with your kids:
Today's question comes from: Missy
And Missy writes:
Missy - Great question - thank you for bringing this up - so many times my TMs involve kids
who are openly defiant or who aggressively act out.
These kids can sometimes be easier to because their behavior is confrontational and direct.
But the silent, passive nature of some children can cause US to want to pull our hair out
and lead them to adapt a dysfunctional set of coping tools.
So what exactly is your daughter's negative behavior consciously or unconsciously trying
to communicate with you?
When kids protest by being passively aggressive, forgetting things, ignoring responsibilities
- they may be acting out against a feeling of being controlled.
If not at home - maybe at school or within some other social group. --- Is there a problem
with peers or authority figures in some other area that your child may be feeling pressured
by?
When pushed - the urge to push back is natural. Some kids push back openly and confront conflict
head on and some retreat - unable to assert their pain, anger or upset - they use their
mis-behavior as way to voice that which they cannot put into words or direct action.
Your child may feel overwhelmed by the expectations of her as a "big sister" - she may feel rejected
by her peers or unheard by the grown-ups in her life. She may feel isolated and have no
way of telling you.
But her behavior will always let you know about her internal state. Her perfectionism
and focus on "exact words" could be her way of abiding by your wishes - to avoid conflict
but in a way that makes it difficult to fault her and she can argue her sincerity and commitment.
She may need help directly confronting her own emotions and feelings. These behaviors
are often unconscious ways of seeking to be seen and heard or to deflect uncomfortable
feelings that are too painful or worrying to face.
So what to do?
1. Acknowledge the anger and any resentment that has built up in your relationship. Instead
of blaming her for her repeated mistakes, check in and teach her to acknowledge the
feelings that she might be repressing.
"I know that you want to be responsible. I've seen you make good choices."
"I'm wondering if it feels like I'm asking too much of you?"
or
"Is it too much pressure when I ask you to watch your siblings?"
"Maybe you feel like you need a break."
"I can understand if you feel like you can't tell me? Sometimes I really need your help
and I probably haven’t considered enough how my requests are affecting you."
or
"I bet I might get angry if my parents asked me to do things all the time without asking
me how I feel about it."
"I'm wondering if it’s like that for you?"
Start to examine what emotions she might be repressing in her attempts to avoid conflict
and Yes you all the time.
IS it fear of disappointing your, is it a fear of your reaction, is it anger at her
siblings, is it feeling like she has no other value in the family or like its too much responsibility?
As the older sister to two much younger siblings - who I had to give up high school weekends
to baby sit - I can tell you I often felt over-burdened - but more than that - like
I wasn't able to express that dissatisfaction without being judged or shamed.
Had I been able to express it freely and without evaluation- I may have been able to accept
my situation and deal with it better.
2. My next tip is once the anger is identified, help you daughter learn to express it positively
and authentically. Instead of letting her walk away, recognize her cues and point them
out to her.
"I saw you start to curl your lip before you walked away. I'm sensing some anger. I'd like
to hear about it." If she's not ready, say -
"I can see you want to just go chill out - how about if we come back in an hour and make
sure that you have what you need to meet that responsibility."
3. And the final tip which is at the crux of all passivity - help your child build her
self-confidence in expressing her ideas and opinions.
You don't want her passive crutch to become a pattern so it will be helpful for her to
build her self-confidence through activities that things she enjoys.
It is important for girls (and all kids) to find their voice and know that what is going
on for them inside is worth hearing.
She can start a "I Am" journal. This is where she finishes the sentence "I am..." and compiles
a list of traits and qualities she is proud of.
Encourage her to document all the ways she is amazing, and the ways in which she bravely
expresses her voice - all the ways in which she is capable.
Make it a 21 or 30 day challenge and do it together. Choose individual goals and work
on being more open, authentic and expressive.
Sharing this journey together - documenting the days and sharing your insights and revelations
is a way to reconnect and discover what is really going on underneath all that behavior
we can so quickly dismiss as "typical teenage defiance."
But there's always more than that lurking beneath the surface. Teenage times can be
tough for all kids but you can protect and support your - especially those kids who are
particularly susceptible to letting their voice be drowned out by more outspoken peers.
So Missy - that was my TM for you. I hope this will help you and your daughter reconnect
so you can get to the bottom of what's driving her behavior.
And if you liked this video, I would love to know - you can leave me a comment and you
can get more like it each week by subscribing to my updates and if you thinks someone else
might benefit from this video - be a friend and share it with them in an email or on your
favorite social media site.
Don't forget to check out my upcoming series 3 week series Conscious communication.
Thank you everyone for watching - have a great week and remember it's about consciousness
not perfection.