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MARK METCALF.
HELLO, STUDENTS.
THE ROAST HAS BEGUN.
NOW IT IS OVER.
I AM IN CHARGE.
IT IS MY SUPREME DISHONOR TO
INTRODUCE TO YOU THE WORTHLESS
NOBODY WHOSE MAKE UP THE
CELEBRITY +++
SHOW," EDDIE TRUNK.
>> I HAVE GOT A GOOD MIND TO
SLAP YOUR FAT FACE.
YOU SHOULD DROP AND GIVE ME 20!
$20 THAT IS.
CAN YOU SPARE $20?
I NEED IT.
THEY'RE NOT PAYING ME MUCH FOR
THIS.
THE NEXT SINNER ON THE DAIS, A
COMEDIAN YOU HEARD ON THE" QUGTS
HOWARD STERN SHOW" AND THAT
***-FILLED CARTOON, "FAMILY
GUY."
COMEDIAN, CRAIG GAS.
CRAIG GASS.
>> WHO ARE YOU?
WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?
NO, REALLY?
WHO ARE YOU?
AND NOW THE FOUNDING MEMBER OF
METAL LEGEND ANTHRAX, SCOTT IAN!
WIPE THAT FURRY THING OFF YOUR
FACE!
YOU REALLY ARE WORTHLESS AND
WEAK.
NOW FROM THE BAND, BLACK LABEL
SOCIETY AND LAST YEAR'S ROAST
HONOREE, ZAKK WYLDE!
♪♪♪♪
♪♪♪♪
ZAKK WYLDE, YOU ARE A DISGUSTING
SLOB.
YOU SIT INSIDE ALL DAY PLAYING
THAT SICK, REPULSIVE, ELECTRIC
TWANGER AND I AM NOT TALKING
ABOUT YOUR GUITAR!
AND NOW, FROM HBO, COMEDY
CENTRAL AND SOMETHING CALLED THE
"OPIE AND ANTHONY SHOW" THE MOST
OFFENSIVE PERSON ALIVE, JIM
NORTON!
WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOU?
I CARRIED AN M-16 IN THE WAR AND
YOU CARRY, CARRY THOSE DIRTY
PICTURES TO *** IN
AIRPORTS!
NOW, PLEASE WELCOME THE FIRST
LADY OF ROCK 'N' ROLL, LITA
FORD!
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
DOING?
NO, REALLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AFTER THE SHOW?
I'VE GOT A PRIUS WE, CAN GO GET
SOME CHICKEN, MAYBE LICK EACH
OTHER'S FINGERS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW FROM COMEDY
CENTRAL AND "THAT METAL SHOW"
AGAIN, COMEDIAN JIM FLORENTINE!
"THAT METAL SHOW" YOU ARE
DESTROYING YOUR LIFE.
NEXT!
IS THE MISSES OF THIS TWISTED
MISTER YOU CALL SISTER DEE,
SUZETTE SNIDER!
>> YOU!
YOU SLEEP WITH THAT DISGUSTING,
YOU LET HIM TOUCH -- OH.
AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT
LEAST, THE SPAWN OF SATAN
HIMSELF, COMEDIAN SHANE SNIDER!
ITS THAT A TWISTED SISTER PIN ON
YOUR UNIFORM?
STAND UP, MISTER.
SIT UP STRAIGHT.
AND ADJUST THAT BELT BUCKLE.
TIE THOSE SHOES.
TUCK IN THOSE PAJAMAS.
YOU CLOSE THOSE LEGS, PLEASE,
YOU ARE MAKING ME NERVOUS.
YOU CALL THIS A ROAST?
THIS IS A PIGSTY.
YOU ARE ALL WORTHLESS AND WEAK.
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR
LIFE?
♪♪ I WANT TO ROAST ♪♪
♪♪ I WANT TO ROCK ♪♪
♪♪ I WANT TO ROCK ♪♪
♪♪ I WANNA ROCK ♪♪
♪♪ TURN IT DOWN YOU SAY ♪♪
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
GUEST OF HONOR, DEE SNIDER!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AND NOW, YOUR ROCK 'N' ROLL
ROASTMASTER FOR THE EVENING, HE
NEED NO INTRODUCTION, PENN
JILLETTE!
♪♪ I WANNA ROCK ♪♪
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE!
I AM PENN JILLETTE.
A THIRD-RATE MAGICIAN HERE TO
ROAST A FOURTH RATE MUSICIAN.
YOU ALL DESERVE BETTER, BUT
SIGFRIED AND ROY ARE ROASTING,
SOME KIND OF THING.
JESUS -- LOOK AT THIS PUFFY
BUNCH.
VEGAS PUTS THE OVER/UNDER ON GYM
MEMBERSHIPS OF THIS GROUP AT
1.5.
THIS MOTLEYCRUE, SORRY, DEE, I
DIDN'T MEAN TO MENTION A REAL
ROCK 'N' ROLL BAND.
THIS MOTLEY CRUE HASN'T SEEN A
TELEVISION CAMERA OR WEIGHT
WATCHERS MEETING SINCE HE
INVENTED CELL PHONES.
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
WAS EVERY SINGLE CAST OF
CELEBRITY REHAB BUSY?
I GUESS WE ARE WORKING WITH A
VERYFINITION OF
CELEBRITY, LOOSE DEFINITION OF
TELEVISED, AXS, IS SO HIGH
PROFILE WHEN YOU GOOGLE ROAST OF
DEE SNIDER THE FIRST THING THAT
POPS UP IS A FACEBOOK INVITE.
AND YOU KNOW THAT IS NOT A JOKE.
YOU KNOW THAT IS TRUE.
MORE PEOPLE HAVE AN AUTOGRAPHED
COPY OF TWISTED SISTER'S UNDER
THE BLADE ON VINYL THAN HAVE
AXS-TV, IF AXS STANDS FOR
ACCESS, THEN TRUTV HAS BEEN
DETHRONED AS THE MOST IRONICALLY
NAMED CABLE NETWORK.
JIM NORTON IS HERE TONIGHT.
JIM NORTON, TIE WAS BEING, VERY,
VERY NICE TO JIM EARLIER TONIGHT
THEN I FOUND OUT, DESPITE HIS
LOOKS, HE IS NOT DYING OF
CANCER.
AND IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, JIM
NORTON HAS BEEN ON THE TONIGHT
SHOW WITH JAY LENO 38 TIMES.
TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE,
THAT'S 38 MORE TIMES THAN CRAIG
GASS.
3 MORE.
CRAIG GASS IS SOMEONE YOU
COULDN'T MAKE FUN OF WITHOUT
WIKIPEDIA.
I WENT THERE, IT IS FLAGGED
BECAUSE HE IS NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH.
SPEAKING OF IMPRESSIONS -- ZAKK
WYLDE IS HERE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
ZAKK WYLDE.
DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN
THAT?
THIS IS THE GUY WHO REPLACED THE
GUY WHO REPLACED THE DEAD GUY IN
OZZIE OSBORNE'S BAND!
HE IS HEAVY METAL'S FINEST
RE-ENACTOR.
ZAKK WYLDE'S FIRST BAND WAS
NAMED STONEHENGE.
A VERY APPROPRIATE NAME BEING
THAT NO ONE KNOWS HOW HE GOT
HERE OR HIS ACTUAL PURPOSE.
YOU KNOW BETWEEN ZAKK, DEE AND
ME, I CAN'T TELL IF THIS IS A
ROAST OR A SASQUATCH CONVENTION.
IF THE ANSWER, THE ANSWER IS THE
LATTER, A SASQUATCH CONVENTION,
WE'LL HAVE TO KICK OUT SCOTT
IAN.
IN ALL HONESTY, SCOTT IAN IS MY
FAVORITE MEMBER OF ANTHRAX.
AND HE IS ALSO MY FAVORITE
MEMBER OF THE LOLLIPOP LEAGUE
♪♪ DIE FOR THE INDIAN ♪♪
♪♪ DIE FOR THE INDIAN ♪♪
>> SCOTT, DOES DEE TALK TO YOU
ABOUT WHAT IT FEELS LOOK TO HAVE
HAD A HIT SINGLE?
DOES HE EVER TALK TO YOU ABOUT
WHAT IT FEELS LOOK TO BE ALLOWED
ON THE REALLY SCARY ROLLER
COASTERS?
SPEAKING OF SCAR
FLORENTINE IS HERE, FOR VOICING,
A RETARDED AND ANNOYING
CHARACTER.
MUCH CREEPIER WITHOUT THE
PUPPET.
LAST TIME JIM FLORENTINE WAS ON
TV HE WAS BEING OFFERED LEMONADE
BY CHRIS HANSEN ON "TO CATCH A
PREDATOR."
KEEP HIM AWAY FROM SHANE SNIDER.
SHANE SNIDER, DEE'S SON IS HERE.
SHANE.
YOUR DAD GOT YOUR JOB ON GROWING
UP TWISTED BY FINDING A WAY TO
CASH IN ONCE AGAIN ON "I WANNA
ROCK" AND "WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE
IT."
TAKE SOME ADVICE FROM YOUR DEAR
UNCLE PENN, YOU ARE GONNA,
WANNA, KINDA GET A REAL JOB.
MAYBE AT TARGET.
NO ROAST WOULD BE COMPLETE WHAT
A BLOND ***.
SINCE WE ALREADY HAVE DEE HERE,
WE THOUGHT WE WOULD BRING IN A
SMART BLOND.
LITA FORD IS HERE.
I'M NOT REALLY GOING TO MAKE ANY
JOKES ABOUT LITA, BECAUSE, I
THINK EVEN I MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE
OF -- HER.
LITA FORD IS KIDDED ONE OF THE
MOST FEMALE ROCK GUITARISTS.
WHICH IS, WHICH IS QUITE AN
HONOR.
KIND OF LOOK BEING THE TALLEST
JOCKEY.
NO OFFENSE, SCOTT.
IF SHE WERE A MALE GUITARIST,
SHE WOULD BE BARELY TOO GOOD FOR
TWISTED SISTER.
LITA HAS TWO CHILDREN WITH THE
LAST NAME JILLETTE.
I HAVE TWO CHILDREN WITH THE
LAST NAME JILLETTE.
I LOOK LIKE A 57-YEAR-OLD MAN.
LITA LOOKS LIKE A -- I'M NOT
GOING TO FINISH THE JOKE BECAUSE
I STILL THINK I HAVE A CHANCE
OF -- HER.
LAST AND ABSOLUTELY LEAST, EDDIE
TRUNK IS HERE.
EDDIE KIDS HIMSELF A HEAVY METAL
MUSIC HISTORIAN.
THAT'S GREAT.
CONSIDER MYSELF A SWAG POP
EPIDEMIOLOGIST.
THE BILE ON YOUR WEBSITE HAS
3,346 WORD.
THAT'S 3,345 TOO MANY.
-- IT IS SUFFICIENT.
YOU NOTICE, I DON'T THINK I HAVE
A CHANCE OF -- EDDIE.
EDDIE TRUNK CAUSED THE REUNION
OF TWISTED SISTER WHEN HE WANTED
TO RAISE FUND FOR FIREFIGHTERS
AFTER 9/11.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH!
>> ABSOLUTELY.
NOTHING GETS YOUR MIND OFF OF
DISASTER BETTER THAN DEALING
WITH ANOTHER DISASTER.
NOW, DEE, WE ARE GOING TO SHOW
YOU -- WE ARE DONE WITH THAT.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> STAND THERE LIKE A SCHMUCK.
WE ARE GOING TO SEE VIDEOS FROM
FRIEND WHO COULDN'T MAKE IT
TONIGHT BECAUSE THEY WERE BUSY
ACTUALLY HAVING CAREERS.
BUT STILL WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT
A DIP [ BLEEP ] YOU ARE.
WE'LL SEE THOSE TOO.
FIRST, LET'S SEE A VIDEO ABOUT
DEE!
>> WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO WITH
YOUR LIFE?
>> I WANNA ROCK!
♪♪ ROCK ♪♪
♪♪ I WANNA ROCK ♪♪
♪♪ ROCK ♪♪
♪♪ I WANT TO ROCK ♪♪
♪♪ ROCK ♪♪
>> COME ON, NOW LET'S HEAR IT!
♪♪ TURN IT DOWN YOU SAY ♪♪
♪♪ ALL I GOT TO SAY TO YOU IS
NO ♪♪
♪♪ NO, NO, NO ♪♪
>> IS THAT THE PROBLEM, TOO MUCH
MAKEUP ON.
NOW I AIN'T GOT NO MAKEUP ON.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
♪♪ YOU CAN'T STOP ROCK 'N' ROLL♪
♪♪ YOU CAN'T STOP ROCK 'N' ROLL♪
♪♪ YOU CAN'T STOP ROCK 'N' ROLL♪
♪♪♪♪
♪♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ♪♪
DEE SNIDER, BEEN ASKED TO COME
HERE TO PRESENT MY VIEWS ON THE
SUBJECT OF THE CONTENT OF
CERTAIN SOUND RECORDINGS.
I AM TIRED OF RUNNING INTO KIDS
ON THE STREET WHO TELL ME THEY
CAN'T PLAY THEIR RECORD ANY MORE
BECAUSE OF MISINFORMATION,
PARENT ARE BEING FED ON TV AND
IN THE NEWSPAPERS.
♪♪ GROWING UP TWISTED ♪♪
>> I'M WAXING MY CHEST BECAUSE I
AM GOING TO BE WEARING A VERY
REVEALING TOGA.
>> I DO NOT FEAR WAXING.
>> HE IS GOING TO BURN HIM.
>> HA-HA!
>> YES!
>> DEE, YOU'RE FIRED!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE BIG.
BIGGER THAN EVER BEFORE.
♪♪ WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT
ANYMORE ♪♪
>> LET'S KEEP IT MOVING.
WITH OUR NEXT ACT.
DEE SNIDER.
♪♪ WE DON'T WANT NOTHING
NOT A THING FROM YOU ♪♪
>> HOW ARE MY MANNERS?
THEY CALL ME THE DUKE OF
DETROIT.
>> A SPECIAL SKILL OF MINE.
I WAS LIKE --
>> WE GOT IT.
GOT IT.
>> WHAT A RUSH.
>> HEAVY METAL IS THE COCKROACH
OF MUSIC.
IT WILL NEVER DIE.
>> DEE SNIDER, WHAT IS GOING ON?
>> JUST DID A SONG WITH BLACK
VELVET --
AWE
♪♪ I WANT TO ROCK ♪♪
♪♪ NO WE'RE AIN'T GOING TO TAKE
IT ♪♪
♪♪ WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT
ANYMORE ♪♪
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> DEE SNIDER!
YOU KNOW WHEN DEE WAS A TEENAGER
HE WAS IN A BLACK SABBATH COVER
BAN.
THEN HE GREW UP, HE FORMED ALICE
COOPER COVER BAND.
AND THEY'RE CALLED TWISTED
SISTER.
DEE SNIDER CONFESSED ON ONE OF
HIS "LETTERMAN" APPEARANCES THAT
THEY CONSIDERED NAMING THE BAND
THIS, IS THAT TRUE, NAMING THE
BAND THIS.
IT WAS TOO EASY TO REALIZE SOME
ONE YELLING THIS SUCKS.
THAT IS SO FUNNY, DEE.
BECAUSE TSTED SISTER SUCKS
ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE.
LET'S ALL TRY IT.
>> TWISTED SISTER SUCKS!
>> FUNNY, DEE.
>> DEE SNIDER, HASN'T LED A
STEREOTYPICAL ROCK STAR LIFE.
HE DOESN'T DRINK.
RIGHT?
DOESN'T DO DRUGS.
AND HE HAS BEEN FAITHFULLY
MARRIED TO THE SAME WOMAN SINCE
1981.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THERE ISN'T MUCH DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN DEE SNIDER'S LIFE AND
THE LIFE OF AN ACCOUNTANT.
WELL THAT IS NOT REALLY FAIR
BECAUSE I KNOW ACCOUNTANTS WHO
HAVE HAD MORE THAN TWO HIT
RECORD.
AS DEE KNOWS, AS DEE KNOWS I
DON'T JOKE.
DUFF FROM GUNS N' ROSES IS AN
ACCOUNTANT AND GUNS N' ROSES HAS
HAD MORE THAN TWO HITS, AND DUFF
HAS -- MORE WOMEN THAN DEE'S
WIFE.
DEE SNIDER IS A GRANDFATHER OF
SIX CHILDREN.
SIX CHILDREN.
WHICH IS CRAZY BECAUSE DEE DOES
NOT LOOK LIKE A GRANDFATHER.
HE LOOKS LIKE A GRANDMOTHER.
BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR, BECAUSE
THERE ARE GRANDMOTHER WHOSE HAVE
HAD MORE THAN TWO HIT RECORD.
DEE HAS THE HAD JUST TWO HITS.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT AND I WANNA
ROCK.
WHO BUT DEE COUCEIVE OF A
SONG THAT GOES EBEA, EBA, FOR
BOTH VERSES AND THE CHORUSES
ELIMINATING THE NEED TO USE WORD
VERSE AND CHORUS AS SEPARATE
TERMS.
IN DEE'S WORK, VERSE AND CHORUS
ARE AS INDISTINGUISHABLE AS THE
PITCHES B AND B-FLAT.
WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT, THE
FIVE-NOTE MAJOR SCALE, OBVIOUS
MAIN THEME, TIES IN NICELY WITH
THE OBVIOUS LYRIC THEME AND THE
LACK OF ANY SINGING ABILITY.
APPARENTLY, THE "IT" IN WE'RE
NOT GONNA TAKE "IT" REFERS TO A
MUSIC THEORY CLASS OR THE TIME
TO LEARN THE SLIDE THE BAR CHORD
UP A COUPLE OF FRETS.
DEE STAND ON THE BACK OF TWO
HITS FOR ALL OF THESE YEARS AND
THESE SONGS USED A TOTAL OF 123
UNIQUE WORD.
ROCK IS USED 82 TIMES.
CONFISCATED IS USED ONCE.
YOUR LIFE IS TRITE AND JADED.
BORING AND CONFISCATED.
JADED.
AND CONFISCATED.
DO NOT RHYME.
NOW THAT IS ASSUMING YOU ARE
DOING THE AABB RHYME SCHEME.
I CAN'T IMAGINE DEE TRYING
ANYTHING ELSE.
AND DEE CAN'T IINE THERE IS
ANYTHING ELSE.
FAILING TO RHYME DOES NOT MEAN
FAILING TO HAVE A HIT.
JUST ASK ACTION JACKSON.
WHICH ONLY RHYMES IF YOU ARE
AFRICAN-AMERICAN IN PHILLY OR A
FISHERMAN IN MAINE.
EVEN AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN
FISHERMAN IN MAINE CAN'T GET
JADED AND CONFISCATED TO RHYME.
BUT GIVE DEE A BREAK.
IF YOU REALLY NEED TO USE THE
WORD JADED IN YOUR SONG, AND NO
ONE EVER DOES, CONFISCATED IS A
FINE LACK OF RHYME.
RHYMING JADED IS IMPOSSIBLE.
EXCEPT FOR AIDED, GRATED,
GRADED, BRAIDED, TRADED.
BUT DON'T HAVE TO WORRY NOW THAT
MEMORY HAS FADED.
NO RHYME FOR JADED EXISTS.
SO, DEE WENT WITH CONFISCATED.
GOOD CHOICE.
GOOD CHOICE.
CLOSE ENOUGH FOR JAZZ OR IN THIS
CASE, CLOSE ENOUGH FO
WANNA-BE GLAM ROCK.
WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT CAME OUT
IN 1984, A DRY YEAR FOR HIT
MUSIC.
THIS SONG CAME OUT BEFORE AUTO
TUNE.
WAY BEFORE AUTO TUNE.
SO FAR BEFORE AUTO TUNE.
I GUESS IT ALSO CAME OUT BEFORE
TALK BACK SO ENGINEER AND
PRODUCER COULDN'T SAY, DEE
YOU'RE FLAT ALL THE WAY THROUGH
THIS.
LET'S TRY ANOTHER TAKE.
OR MAYBE -- IT CAME OUT BEFORE
SECOND TAKES.
OR MAYBE IT CAME OUT BEFORE
PITCH PIPES OR TUNING FORKS.
RIGHT BEFORE HE CAME ON.
THIS IS TRUE.
BEFORE HE CAME ON.
IKEN WITH US ON "CELEBRITY
APPRENTICE" WHO DOES NOT LIKE
ME, SENT A TWEET.
MAKE SURE YOU TELL DEE HIS EARS
ARE ABOUT AS GOOD AS LOU
FERIGNOS.
RHYMING JADED WITH CONFISCATED.
-- I HATE -- RHYMES.
HOW COULD SOME ONE STRETCH 6:40
WORTH OF MUSIC INTO 29 YEARS OF
FAME?
THAT'S $2,383, 207 MINUTES OF
FAME PER MEN -- MINUTE OF HIT.
ANDY WARHOL GO -- YOURSELF.
THAT IS FAME PER UNIQUE WORD
INCLUDING CONFISCATED.
SHAKESPEARE AND DILLAN.
GO -- YOURSELVES.
IF DETROIT COULD TRANSLATE THAT
MILEAGE INTO REAL MILEAGE THEIR
HYBRIDS WOULD GET 456,000 MILES
PER GALLON.
IT WOULD SOLVE CLIMATE CHANGE,
WORLD HUNGER, AND CARBON
FOOTPRINT, BUT NOT THAT -- RHYME
AND YOUR FLAT SINGING ALL THE
WAY THROUGH.
AS YOU KNOW, DEE WAS ONE OF THE
VERY FEW ROCKERS TO ACTUALLY
STAND UP FOR FREEDOM OF SPEECH
AND FIGHT AGAINST TIPPER AND AL
GORE AT THEIR UNCONSTITUTIONAL
TIPPER STICKERS ON RECORD OF THE
CONSIDERED TO BE
OFFENSIVE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MOST ROCKERS JUST BENT OVER AND
IT UP THE --
IT WAS DEE'S FINEST HOUR.
I WATCHED AND CHEERED.
IN 1985 AS FRANK ZAPPA, JOHN
DENVER AND DEE SNIDER, A FINE
POWER TRIO, WERE AMONG THE ONLY
MUSICIANS TO GROW -- AND FIGHT
THOSE --.
DEE SNIDER.
AND TESTIFYING BEFORE CONGRESS,
WAS DEE'S FINEST MOMENT.
REALLY GREAT, DEE.
GREAT, DEE.
VERY IMPORTANT.
THE CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS WOULD
ALSO BE THE LAST TIME DEE
PERFORMED IN FRONT OF A SELLOUT
CROWD.
JADED AND CONFISCATED RHYME
YOU --
IT DOES NOT RHYME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> STAY TUNED FOR MORE FROM THE
♪♪ I WANNA ROCK ♪♪