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Well, Jesus opens by quoting the six commandment
you should not commit adultery
and here Jesus wants to make it clear that
the moral code and law of the old testament is true and the new testament
as well
and I've heard people want to throw that out
especially when it comes to
sexuality
well you know doesn't it say and this is a real conversation I had with
somebody
at a party no less
well doesn't it say in the old testament that you're not
that it's a sin to pet pig
what's the difference between
petting a pig and
having an adulterous relationship breaking
the moral code
I said because it's the moral code and not the ceremonial code
it's true that the ceremonial code of the old testament
is not of always affirmed in the new testament in fact
Paul talks about
what is clean and unclean and what does he say in the end
he says basically everything is clean God has given us every good thing for
our enjoyment
so if you want to pet a pig you can
it's not a sin
the moral code of the old testament is being affirmed by Jesus
you shall not commit adultery
and then Jesus moves on from there to really the heart of the matter
the source on the adultery really
starts in the eye and the heart
of a believer
noticed what he says in twenty eight
he says if any of you looks at a woman or a man with ***
they have already committed adultery with him or her
in his or her heart you've already committed it in your heart
now what's ***
this the best definition I could come up with
*** is when you
begin to underdress another person
with your eyes and then you begin to imagine
and there is that one kind of quick look of appreciation
oh Lord what wonderful handiwork you have made
that good
But you'll notice that is a quick look
it's not a lingering look it's that lingering look that's the lustful
look
because in the lingering
now that's when we start undressing people with our minds
and a few people
have come up to me and said you're going to
Preach that sermon at ten o'clock
I said yeah I am because just because there's a little snow on the roof doesn't
mean there is not a
fire in the fireplace, right?
now listen to what Jesus says
so if your eyes and notice I didn't know Jesus is that old he's talking about a good
eye
With my good eye even with your good Eye, your good hand
so if your eye causes you to *** gouge it out
better for you to lose one part of your body
then for your whole body to be thrown in the hell now whenever I run into a
literalist when it comes to the Bible
I want to take him to this passage
because of Jesus meant that literally there'd be
most of the men on this planet would only have one eye
many would be blind
is that what Jesus literally means no
he's talking about
a sense of fidelity and purity
a sense of purity in our life about sexuality
and very specifically
about fidelity in marriage
Jesus is emphasizing again the fact that
that you might say well I've never committed adultery so I don't need to
listen any longer although yes you do
because the truth is we all have *** problems some just greater than
others
with valentine's day coming up there's not a better passage to talk about than
this passage
to talk about ***
what we need is we need a little affair proofing in our marriages
and the reason for that
is because everybody has a moment of maybe
everybody's been there in fact I've never had a person
Look me in the eye and say Scott I've never had a moment of maybe in my entire life
yes you have
some more than others
and we have to learn to say no at the moment of maybe
that may be the only thing that keeps us from having an affair
let's begin by lining up the myths of affairs and I'll add one for this
service
that's not on the list of all start there
old people never have affairs
that's a myth
old people have some of them have a lot of affairs that their spouse never knows
about
how do I know that because they've been in my office and talk to me
we think newly married couples don't have affairs
all they do in fact
some couples find out
is that early in their marriage they're having an affair with somebody they were
having an affair with while they were dating and getting married to the other
person
another myth is that
is that women are
less prone to affairs than men are if you look over the last several decades
as women have
moved into the workforce and risen in their position in the work force
you'll notice that the number of those women having affairs has increased
Its increased
Its not about being over sexed in a moment I'll remind you that an affair has
nothing to do with sex
that has to do with some other needs in us but it really doesn't have
anything to do with sex
Let me see if I
forgot anything on the list
A myth is that in a fair is really the fault of the partner on whom the
affair has occurred
that's the blame game
Well, the reason we had an affair is because
They're frigid
or they're ornery or whatever
that's really a myth of affairs as well
here's the big one
the biggest myth of an affair is that
I won't have an affair because I don't want to have an affair
everybody is susceptible
when it comes to affairs
in fact it's
it's interesting what's happened in society
you know all those
nerds that you went to high school with who
a girl never looked at in their life
you know what their new title is in society
boss
and one of the challenges that
those
rising stars in their field have to deal with is now they're very attracted to
someone of the opposite sex
because they have position and power
there are two different kinds of affairs
and
it's really almost wrong to draw distinction between the two
there are emotional affairs and physical affairs
and you may not have had
a physical affair in your lifetime but you've probably had an emotional
affair
why do we end up having an affair with someone else
this sample issue is connectedness
we get disconnected from our spouse
and what's interesting is that marriage can be
two parallel lines going in the same direction
everything looks like it's going very well
same values
same likes when you go on vacation et cetera et cetera
but there is no connectedness
there's no dependency
in that relationship
and over time in general those two parallel lines have a tendency to
drift apart
the proof of that is that the highest divorce rate happens when
after a couple has their first child
that's the highest divorce rate you know why because now you really have to
depend on your spouse
you can't just play around anymore life gets pretty serious once you have a kid
the second-highest divorce rate is right after those children go away to college
when you become an empty nester
why because you've been drifting apart
all during that child rearing
years
and you've gotten so far apart from one another
You're sitting
at the coffee table in the morning then you go wow
who are you
in fact add to the fact that
you know the husband might be going through a midlife crisis and the woman
might be going to menopause
and you look at each other and go man I don't even like you anymore who are you
see that happens when we're not connected
what does connectedness look like
pull out your outline
you get disconnected because you don't spend time together
you get disconnected because you're no longer communicating your thoughts
and your feelings
that's why guys you got to listen
when your spouse is sharing thoughts and feelings
ladies
that's why you shouldn't criticize
when you're
husband shares thoughts and feelings as rare as that may be
not caring enough to meet the needs of your spouse
It's easy to get more self absorbed the older we get
life all becomes about us
not about we
we're not courting our spouses anymore
perfect
guys
valentine's day is on Tuesday
I'm helping you out here you got two more days to get something
romantic for your spouse
on valentine's day
you're looking at me like I don't know what to do here I'll give you the
universal
present
is jewelry
when in doubt go buy some jewelry
if you don't know what the pick out
ask somebody tasteful hanging around the glass
display case
they'll help you pick out something that's right
we got to court our spouse
even if we are around them all the time in retirement we got court them
and then finally this doesn't really have so much to do with being connected
but the issue that we need to remind ourselves of our commitment
what helps us to say no at the moment of maybe
is reminding ourselves of the commitment that we made to that person
in front of God and others
the other thing that help us is remember they're getting a half of everything you
own
that doesn't hurt either does it
now here is the money
why do people have affairs
number one is they have affairs because of the unresolved *** conflict in
their life and I'll give you just a small example
a *** conflict would be
the woman who is attracted to bad boys
Motorcycles, chains, leather
Sky diving snow boarding and
all of that
they really desire that they don't want to marry that
that seems very unstable but boy is that attractive to them
and on the flip side
it's the man
who has got this fantasy about
the naughty girl
now you're taught you date the naughty girl but you don't marry the naughty girl
you don't ever bring the naughty girl home
but that doesn't mean you've resolved that *** conflict in yourselves
now you can breed fully now
how about ego needs
everybody has ego needs
our self-esteem is on the line
in our sexuality
and that's an ego issue
remembers a few months ago I talked about the fact that women loved to be
chosen
on the flip side men love the conquer
what do you do when you've been chosen and you've conquered
now what do you do with all that
feeling
All that ego need
sometimes that
is the deficit
and we need to continue to conquer
we need to continue to feel chosen
That's really an ego need that's a self esteem issue
then it might be something that's a personal need
one of the interesting things that in intercourse
you have a dual hormonal satisfaction
that happens virtually no where else in life
you have
a hormonal satisfaction
and you also have an adrenaline satisfaction
and the whew who
of intercourse is when the two of those are paired with one another
it's interesting that in the beginning in married you have a lot more of that
whew-who
and then as a marriage grows on you got out work at that whew who
and then you get to the stage where you're just dreaming about that whew-who
and it's a natural course of intimate relationships that you don't have
a first love feeling forever
it's the first love a feeling for a reason it's first love
and some of us
have a personal need to keep
feeling that
feeling
and it drives us to somebody different
somebody new
another reason is position of power influence
I've been trained in transferred relationships in the workplace
an example of that is the boss that
dates the secretary on the business trip
that's the president of the United States
in the oval office with an intern
what's that all about it's about positions of power
that's about your needs as a boss
meeting the needs of your employees and there's a natural meeting of needs
isn't there there's a trusts
and that's why it's such a big issue
because it's a violation of trust
they need to trust you as boss because you're the boss
and when you load up
that need to escalate as I like to call it with your own needs
that's why you have an affair
that's why an affair is easy to have
in the workplace
now what do we do about all of this
here's a few
suggestions
number one don't put yourself in a compromising position
I used to have a Bible study with
a
businessmen all of whom were on the rise in their businesses
as several of them have become
the president or the CEO of their company or started their own company
and one of the things we talked about one day was
the natural tendency
that a lot of them have to travel by themselves
for work
and I virtually said to them
stay out of the bar at night
do not go into the bar by yourself at night
because you may not think you're all that attracted but trust me
you're attractive
you're attractive to people
and a simple way is to not be where you shouldn't be
by yourself alone
it just helps
you take somebody else with you
iron sharpens iron
Number two
Be careful of physical contact isn't that interesting
how much physical contact we have in the church
it's not inappropriate the holding hands with somebody you don't know when
you pray
hugs somebody
and there's a difference between hugs
but it's interesting that
it's easy for that progression to happen
because what started out very innocent
then we loaded up with one of our ego personal needs
and now
it's gone beyond just something wholesome
something good
avoid flirtatious, oh
be aware of why you're complimenting someone of the opposite sex
I basically meant I'm not allowed to complement the female employees
they taught me that in a class
I don't get to notice that they've change their hair style or bought a new
dress or anything like that
because
one thing leads to another
sometimes we're just noting you know we're just not dumb to everything in life
and we noticed and it's really an honest comment
wow
that new hairstyle really looks good on you
but then there's that comment like wow
that hair style really looks good on you
and I know all the bald guys are going well I'm safe then
I got the same hairstyle every day
It is interesting why we compliment people
avoid flirtatious
and suggestive conversation
that's called hooking
We will
out of our need we will throw out a hooking comment towards someone else
just to see if they'll bite
just to see if they'll bite and sometimes it stops right there but it's amazing
how many times that leads to something else
leads to something else
be honest with your spouse about who you talk with
I've heard pastors
speak about everybody in the church get off Facebook
because people get on Facebook
they
discover
somebody that's an old flame
and they fire up
a relationship with that old flame
and the ones that get in trouble are the ones that don't hit delete in going tell
their spouse that they just ran into an old flame on the on the internet
who you talk to
that you don't tell your spouse about is a a tale tell sign
Next this is a big one admit the attraction that you have for someone else
now I'm not saying you admit it to them
that's actually the wrong thing to do
because then that becomes a flirtatious comment doesn't it
but it's interesting when I started out being a pastor I was taught
I was to never to be attracted to anybody of the opposite sex
so what do you know when you're sitting across from someone that you find very
attractive
you say to yourself well, I'm not attracted to them
oh really
and so what happens is you lie
and then you lied again
and then you lied again and if you lie enough you will lie with them
we have to be very careful
what breaks the spell
The magic
of an emotional affair
many times
is the honest admitting
that you're attracted to that other person
that something's going on between you and them
Now I want to end
with a note about
Forgiveness and hope
the whole world sits in front of me every Sunday I know that
so I know that there are those that have had affairs
that are here today
there are those that have had an affair in your spouse knows about it
and I know there are those who are here and
you've had an affair in you've never told your spouse about it
Does an affair have to end in divorce the answer to that is no there's always hope
in Jesus Christ
Why hope
number one hope God gives us the ability
to give up our right to be wronged
and yes you have been wronged and we have to be really honest
Jesus cautions us at us here for a reason
the most intimate expression of love exists between a man and a woman in
intercourse
it doesn't get more intimated more vulnerable with another person than that
and that's why Jesus cautions us
again about adultery and then *** that leads to adultery
it's a it's a deep hurt
it is a ginormous
wrong
but we have to give it up
why do you have to give it up because if you don't give it up you'll carry it to
your death
and what good is that going to do us it's like a millstone around your neck
number two it get us in touch with our own sinfulness
and if you can look me in the eye and say you've never had an emotional fair
in in your life
you'll be the first person that's done that
and thirty five years in ministry
we need to
get in touch with the fact that we've had our own moments of maybe and yes
we've said no in the moment of maybe
but boy it was a close
Things being a little bit different
Hope enables us
to extend forgiveness to someone who is wronged us
Jesus Christ has forgiven us
he challenges us to extend forgiveness in the same way
and then finally hope is great because it helps us finally trust them again and
it is not easy to trust someone who is violated you in that way
violated your relationship
but the great thing in Jesus Christ we can actually trust somebody
who's gone out and had an affair on us
Jesus wrote
down these words he spoke these words
Matthew recorded these words over two thousand years ago
you think the Bible's relevant
for today
It sure is
let's pray together
Lord as I pray I know that there are those here who have had affairs
Lord those that have been on that
on the other side of that equation
a spouse has had an affair
and Lord I am thankful that
that's not the unforgivable sin
that Lord you forgive us when we honestly confessed before you
Our sinfulness
Lord we're thankful for this reminder that
Intimacy between a man and a woman is a wonderful gift that you give
us
Lord help us to
Cherish it
Nurture it,enjoy it, celebrate it
Lord help us to
take to heart
what you have to say to us today that
Lord we might continue to aspire
to a sense a level of
Purity and fidelity
for Lord we desired to be the Lord of our life
the Lord of our sexuality
Lord give us your Holy Spirit
everyday
that Lord we might be living testimonies
the truth of your word
so we pray these things Lord in your name. Amen
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