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Don't hire a new waitress, ok?
I've been doing all the work anyway and I really could use the extra money.
I already hire new waitress.
She work in all top restaurants in Manhattan.
I gave her Paulina's uniform.
Not to complain, but...
I think someone wore this uniform before me.
Is it possible that I could get another one?
Maybe one that's a little less moist.
I think it'd be better for everyone, including my immune system,
if I just keep on wearing what I'm wearing
and not the apron, 'cause this is Chanel.
Thank you... and let's waitress.
Whatever that is,
it does not belong in this diner, it belongs in a show on Bravo.
I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention.
I'm Caroline, by the way. And you're Max?
Don't get attached.
This is the Williamsburg diner, owned by Han Lee.
Hey, Barbie.
That's Oleg.
That's Earl, we're in love.
And that stain?
Not clam chowder.
You've never waitressed a day in your life.
Yes, I have.
-I'm telling Lee. -Ok, ok...
I may have enhaced my resume.
Enhanced?
Where are we? In Paris?
Please, I really need this job, ok?
We lost all of our money.
My trust fund was taken for legal fees.
My dad is in jail.
What are you? Martin Channing's daughter?
Where's the paper?
Martin Channing?
The guy who ripped off the entire city is your father...?
He told us we were having a good year.
You're like a billionaire.
Was a billionaire.
They froze all our assets, everything's gone.
I'm a really fast learner. I went to Wharton Business School.
Can you make a hot chocolate or not?
Nailed it!
*Stand clear of the closing doors*
Well, I can cross that off my bucket list.
Did you sleep on the subway?
I had nowhere else to go
and I'm too afraid to sleep outside on the street.
Ugh! Get your stuff. Come on, I'll take you to my place,
but hurry, 'cause I have to be in the city in 30 minutes.
Call me.
That's stupid.
No one would pay $7 for one of my cupcakes.
Really? 'Cause...
Well, at least we know you're not adopted.
To open a bake shop
all we need is 250 grand start-up money,
for the real state and the basic equipment...
250 grand, that's all?
Did freaking' Chestnut here kick you in the head while I was in Starbucks?
If we both worked two jobs and made $2,000 a week,
we could open a cupcake business in a little over a year.
You cupcakes, me business background, us success.
Please, don't tell anyone at work I let you move into my apartment.
That is one boundary we both don't want crossed.
Why?
Hey, roomies...
That's why.
Max, that oven is so hot.
Could you do me a favor and open the back door?
We've known each other two days
and you're already asking for back door?
I can't sleep on that couch and there's weird sounds in the street.
I don't even let the men I sleep with sleep with me.
I can't get into your issues right now.
I just need to sleep.
Fine, get in then.
Max, someone's in the living room.
Robbie!
What's up, babe?
Robbie, what are you doing here? We broke up.
Still?
Yes, still.
You hit on me and then she caught you with someone else in these very sheets
which I'm hoping she washed.
Oh, I get it.
You blew me off 'cause you like the ladies.
Which is cool, I like the ladies too.
And right now, it's the two ladies I like.
Robbie,
if I were gonna go lesbian, she would be the last I'd .
Listen, babe--
I'll call you to come get your stuff and we can talk them. Leave me the key.
Ladies...
I don't know what's going on here,
but it would've been a lot sexier if I was in it.
What is this?
From me.
It says 'Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed last night'.
I prefer my usual cash on the bedside table.
Max, hang up. I already called him.
You called Robbie?
You've done so much for me... I wanted to do something for you too.
So I called Robbie and I had him come over and I gave him his stuff.
Now you won't have to go through with all that mess.
The only remotely good thing about breaking up with a guy
is telling him how much better you are than him
when you give him back his stuff.
I don't know if you noticed, but I was really looking forward to that.
And then you went and stole it.
But I guess you couldn't help it
'cause that's what you Channings do, you steal things.
Interesting.
Ok.
You wanted a breakup scene?
You're in one.
I'm breaking up with you.
Oh, ok.
Oh, your bed is so soft...
That's my ***!
I can be better.
Please...
Please, let's do this.
I know you have a fear of success.
You do, because no one ever believed in your dreams.
But I believe in your dreams.
We have a dream.
God, you are so drunk...
So you probably won't even remember this.
I'm sorry I said that stuff about your father.
So are we gonna be girlfriends or not?
Look, I'm gonna give this to you straight up.
I am never gonna be the type of girlfriend you're used to.
I am not your gir-r-r, of your gir-r-rlll,
and I am definitely not someone's 2-for-1 girlfriend crap at a nail store.
In fact, think of me as a dude.
So...
are we good?
Yeah. We good.
Ok. You're not a girls' girl.
Ok, good.
Unnnbelievable.
Cute Strokes T...
Probably look better on me, considering it's mine.
You snooze, you lose, puta.
You can't just let her win.
Oh, forget it, it's over.
Borscht! Pick up, pick up.
Hi, I'll be right with you.
Idiota!
Thanks, gir-r-rlfriend.
What, is she coming for me?
Run.
I think me and your tub are going steady.
You found the jacuzzi button.
I don't know who found who, but we're together now.
I'm totally stealing some of these ridonculous bath soaps.
This one's shaped like a ***.
Seashell.
Sister, this is a mint green ***.
Why no?!
Girl at urban outfitter said it was hip.
You look like a lesbian I made out with once on a dare.
What do you think?
Sister,
you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but...
you turned your bed into a ***.
Do you think my *** has curtains?
I don't know how long it's been.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
But I still have to make the cupcakes to bring by that place tomorrow.
I don't wanna keep you awake, so...
why don't you sleep in my be tonight and I'll pass out on your ***?
Ok, but you better buy me breakfast in the morning.
I'm Steve, I thought this would be a fun idea for my bachelor party.
I'm getting married to Michael...
right there.
So cute. God bless!
I'm Michael as well.
Michael.
And you are...?
Michael.
No, I'm Max.
Oh, she's funny. So cute. God bless!
And I'm Caroline. I'm Max's partner.
-Oh, so many gays tonight... -I know.
I'm her business partner.
Here's how you remember your orders: you just give people nicknames.
I got Seth Rogaine, Child Molester Moustache...
and lesbian Justin Bieber.
Why didn't he kiss me?
I don't know.
Next time you see him, why don't you just kiss him?
What are you guys doing in this neighborhood?
Oh, hello.
Sorry to interrupt you, but...
what the hell's going on here?
This is, uh...
I'm Cashandra, his girlfriend.
Who are you?
I'm Max and, um...
that's how I say hi to everyone!
I'm incredibly friendly.
It's the woman at table 2's 50th birthday
and her husband wants us to sing to her.
If I had a dollar every time a man asked me to do something to his wife,
I'd be a millionaire.
This is my pattern, ok?
I fall for the wrong guy,
I find out they're with a girl, a bottle or a needle
and I move on.
Sometimes I use a bottle to help me do it...
or a needle
or a girl.
Max, are you sure you're all right?
Are you about to come over here and soft-touch me?
I want to so bad.
Leave!
Go to the coffee place. Soft-touch the barista.
I've been listening in on Cashandra and her girlfriends' conversations
and I don't think she knows anything happened between you two.
I also learned she's a dancer, her lip gloss is from Kiehl's
and she's school chums with Adele.
Not the Adele...
Damn it! Could she be any cooler?
I want her to be my girlfriend.
I wouldn't break up with her for me.
Wake up, it's 3 o'clock.
We forgot to set the alarm.
I never thought waking up in bed with another woman with...
frosting on my *** would be this depressing.
I really liked him.
I know.
Please, I feel like we need a hug.
We just slept together!
You women are so needy.
The man's not here yet.
Damn it, turn us around Max, we have to enter again.
This is the third time!
Come on!
We borrowed these coats from Oleg to make a dramatic star entrance.
If you want to fake it again, you have to buy me dinner and call me pretty.
I don't want you sacrificing your precious rings, Frodo.
If the business doesn't work out, it'll be my fault you have nothing.
And call me selfish,
the only life I wanna ruin is my own.
The business will go up and down. That's natural.
But this ring is about more than the day to day of the business.
It's about us...
and our future together.
Yo, did you just ask me to marry you?
You could do worse.
Look.
No way!
The bluestar in purple?!
You wanna hug me, don't you?
Yeah...
But you're not gonna.
Yes, I am.
If you unzip my shirt, I'm gonna be pissed!
Impressed, but pissed.
Max, come out!
If I came out, it would not be for you,
it'd be for that hot dragon tattoo girl.
Move over!
I want a side close to you so I can take the picture for our new website.
Look, if you want to get all lesbian with me, just go for it,
you don't have to pretend it's for the website.
It is.
And for the record: in 2009 when Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it,
I kissed one and didn't.
Tomorrow is Caroline's birthday.
Why wouldn't I know that? She tells me everything about her life.
I know so much about her cycle, I'm feeling pressure to impregnate her.
Max, the guys at booth 2, just asked Han if was on the down-low.
They think he's gay.
That's a step up. Usually people think he's a lesbian.
He's got one of those official vests that says:
.
I have a shirt that says ,
but there is simply no such branch of the U.S. government.
That's pretty cool of you to do Earl's taxes for him.
I'm happy to.
You know, all that stuff.
Helpful hints and whatnot.
Cripes! What more do I have to do?
Rouge my *** and stand in a storefront window in Amsterdam?
Are you gonna help me with my taxes or not?
A pill!
Could be birth control, could be ecstasy,
waiting for a day off to find out.
Why wait?
If I start touching your hair in an hour,
don't let me have sex with anyone.
I'm from the Funnel Cake booth back there
and your little table is sadder than watching The Notebook at a funeral.
Hey,
Dutch girl,
why don't you go stick your finger in a ***?
I'm sure you can find one over near the plus sized denim.
Someday, we'll have articles about us.
You know, pictures of you and me standing outside our country home.
Hold on.
We're rich and still living together?
You two look like two princesses in a fairy tale.
Are you feeling safe?
I couldn't feel any safer if we were riding a rubber into town.
Here we go. Bye, guys.
Damn, girl, you look good.
What you doing later?
Can I get your number?