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Jesus is talking about
***
but I don't know about you I wish He would just stopped right there because I'd be
scot-free
I mean I have a murdered anybody I'm not
planning the *** anybody and so then it would be a done deal
but isn't it interesting how
Jesus
takes the issue of *** and then
moves it over into murderous words
and murderous attitudes
If it was just
the *** of someone the taking of someone's life then that would be a very
small circle but I'll know when he talks about anger
now he creates a circle that includes us all, we all have to listen
and Jesus uses the same literary device in this passage
you've heard it
said
but I'll tell you
Jesus not again negating the issue of *** but
wanting to include
everyone in a heart
felt obedience
to Him
he makes it a large circle by adding a couple of things to anger look at versus
twenty-two
Jesus says but I say if you even get angry with someone
you're subject to judgment
if you call someone an idiot if you curse someone
you're in the dangers of the fires of hell, wow
he gives that just a little bit of punch there at the end, doesn't He?
to get us to pay attention
to what he's talking about
and I believe with the along the lines of David Calvin
doctor David no
doctor Calvin Miller I'll get it right
anger is the goliath that very few of us ever
really conquer
and the reason for that is that anger is a real honest emotion
and getting angry is not the issue even Jesus got angry look at Mark
chapter eleven
he got angry but he did not sin and he did not allow his anger to become
destructive
towards another person his
anger was a righteous
anger
anger as an emotion is really a protest
it is that
it
is an emotion that often is demonstrated
following a crisis
or a loss
tragedy
that often makes us
angry
We're angry because we feel as though that
that circumstance
should not have happened, it wasn't the right that it happened
it was a of threat of one kind or another
now there are four common
settings in life
that often
Draw up some anger out of us
the first one is one where we are in
a circumstance of survival
when we feel as though our own personal safety
is being threatened
we have a a basic response to everything
that's dangerous in our life we either fight
or we fly
in our fight or flight response is often elicited when adrenaline
is pushed into our bodies we become angry and we're either
put up our fists to fight or if we are smart we put on our tennis
Shoes and we run
from that which threatens us
a second category is when we feel helpless
when you're on the phone and you're to your
fourth set of voicemail instructions
telling you to pick
number four
we feel a little powerless don't we?
we feel as though our control was taken away from us and that can make us
angry because it makes us feel what
makes us feel helpless
A third circumstance is when we're criticized
especially when we're openly criticized publicly that can be a very humiliating
experience
and when we're criticized here I'm not talking about
offering someone some
helpful insights into their interaction or their personhood
I'm talking about that
that quick
that quick nasty cutting remark that someone makes
that humiliates us
that often makes us angry
and then finally that we get angry when we feel abandoned
and that often happens when we
experience the loss of a loved one
when someone moves away that we were very close to
that can
that can make us angry
because now we feel alone we feel abandoned
now those are the four circumstances
how do we know we're suffering so to speak from one of those
anger producing
situations or circumstances in life
these are the
the common ways that we give voice
so to speak
to our anger it points to the fact that we are angry
One is our should statements
they should never have said that they should never have done that
as if
them saying something or doing something automatically means we've got to be
Angry, that's not true
we choose a anger in that moment because we see them as responsible
They shouldn't have done that
they shouldn't have said that
second category is labeling and we're all really good at this
and we take the
Sum of their personhood and we give it a label they're just a jerk
now the truth is they may have acted in a very jerky way
in a certain moment of their life but that doesn't mean there are complete and
utter jerk
and when we say that they are a complete and utter jerk we're really
giving them all label that they well they don't really deserve
in totality maybe only in part
then there's my greeting them were very good at this with our spouses aren't we?
our spouse comes in and they have a certain expression on their face or
certain body language
or a certain tempo to their words or they've chosen certain
words
and when they
do we
Immediately think, Oh no what did we do this time
and we automatically assume what
they mean by that package
and if we were to ask them about that we might realize that
No we're really not the ones responsible that it has nothing to do with us
and we've read that person's mind
it would be as though we would say to someone gee
she really doesn't respect me
and because we've been disrespected that makes us feel
angry
blaming we're all very good at that
We're all good at blaming
We are all able to point the finger and say it's their fault
our anger it's their fault, isn't that interesting?
again if they didn't do that
if they had the said that then I would not have been angry
you know the reason
our relationship is not harmonious is them
most of the time it's not just about them
In part it usually has something to do
with us
then there is all or nothing thinking if you've ever worked with adolescents
you understand all over nothing thinking
because when there is a conflict that we're completely right
and their completely wrong
and we have
now are third adolescent in our home and I can tell you
adolescents are very good at all or nothing thinking
it's all one way or the other the whole world every conflict is black and
white and we're white and they're black they're wrong
and then finally
there's over generalization
and that's when we begin to paint life with one large brush stroke
no detail at all
they are a problem and that's it
you know they're ornery and that's it
they're hard to live with and that's it
and isn't it interesting that when we are the one hurt we're really good at
over generalizing
how the other person has hurt us
but have you ever notice how we want a minimalize when it's the other
direction
when we've done something they're just overly sensitive aren't they
here's the money for today
I won't make you come into my office
three times if I was a psychologist to teach you this I'll give
this to you for free today
This is value-added marketing in church
here you go
the second list I went through
is often where we get stuck
we label, we over generalize
we do everything in that list
when we exhibit that behavior
the question we ought to ask is
from the four types of circumstances in life that often make us angry
when we find ourselves blaming someone else the question we need to ask is
Oh, do I feel
as though I'm threatened
do I do I feel this though I'm helpless
is it that I feel humiliated or do I
feel
abandoned
and most of the time when we find ourselves being angry we can go back to
one of those four categories
and be able to then better understand and decide for why we're angry
these are the settings
of life that often make us angry and these are how we express our anger
and as we express our anger we need to realize
Jesus' mandate in our passage and that is
When we are in conflict with someone we're to go and
get reconciled with them
Matthew five twenty three through
twenty five
so if you are angry with someone
going to be reconciled to that person settle your differences with them
quickly
and when we're angry were not really very good at
at dealing with our anger with that conflict that we have another person
in a timely manner
In fact the new testament says that you shouldn't let the sun go down on your
anger now
you know if you get in a fight
You know
at eight o'clock in the winter time around here it's a lost cause right?
because the sun has already gone down
The key is that you should deal with it in a timely fashion and isn't it
interesting
that Jesus says the same thing
do would quickly do it in a timely fashion
now here's the thing
when we are conflict
with someone else
we often want to focus on them and that's why I'm encouraging us to first
start
with yourself
start with yourself
and as you start with yourself the first thing you need to do is praying
when the best comments I ever heard of the men's retreat was from
a speaker from Denver
and he was talking about being a good father and he said one day when I was
praying for my children it was as if the Holy Spirit came and tapped me on the
shoulder and said the best prayer that you can pray for your children
is free to pray about you
he said I started praying for me as a father
and it was amazing
how that began to change my relationship with my children
for the better
we need to pray for ourselves
and as we pray we ought to ask this question first of all have I let my
feelings and accumulate
we're very good at gunnysacking emotions aren't we?
we have that person
and they make us a little angry all the time
and then we you know we kind of throw them into this gunnysacks and we put them on our
back and then
one time they do one small thing and then that's the time
the gunnysacks too full we pull the gunnysack out and we dump out everything
that we've collected
and dump out the canister of the vacuum and where did all that stuff come
from
and of course
when that happens to us we don't understand why the person so upset
why are they upset
it was just a small thing now it was a small thing this time
it's a big deal because they've been collecting that emotion
they've been collecting that emotion
we need to be ready to speak in their language here's a great illustration of
this
a husband said some sharp words in anger to his wife
his wife sat him down
and tried to express to him in language he could understand
how those words hurt
he
belong to a bowling team
and so she said to him
and his language
when you say things like that to me it's as if you drop the ball on my big
toe
anybody that's bowled much has dropped the ball on their foot at least
and let me tell you what
that hurts
Oh, he got it
speaking their language is picking up frame of reference that they
understand
ladies let me help you out today
don't just talk to us in emotional language we don't
get it
Pick a frame of reference that we understand it's like you
with it's like you're hitting my
thumb with the hammer
it's like a linebacker has knocked me down
pick anything, it as if all the straight piles
Someone has come in and just
mess them all up on the desk
that's how it makes me feel pick a
a frame of reference to think that other person can understand
chose an attitude
that says
you want reconciliation
and that means you can't have a really loud I'm glad you finally sat down to
talk about this
those all point to
the other kind of attitude
A bad attitude not an attitude you want
you want reconciliation
how do you know you have the right attitude I think it's the next thing and
that is
you'll ask the other person
I'm getting there
you'll be willing to do on your own generalizations
and your embellishment of the facts
in that moment of choosing the right attitude you have to ask yourself the
question
have I made more of this
that I should have
and if you have a past history of being sensitive or whatever guess what
you make more of it
then you ought to
and get in touch with were you generalize
along the way
and then finally be alert to listen before you speak as my mother said
God gave you two ears
not small ones by the way
And one big mouth
use those two big ears to listen twice as much as you talk
with your big mouth
good counsel that's biblical counsel isn't it
now once we dealt with us now were ready to go to them
and as we go to them what we do number one
you got to verbalize to the other person
that you've got a commitment
to kind of see this through
to
want to reconcile
the breach this happened between
You and them
number two you have to invite them to share their perspective in their
feelings
and nothing does more to heal a broken relationship
then to hear from the other person
About how they viewed
what you said or what you did or how that made them feel
because of most of the time you're able then at some point to be able to correct
that and say well let you know I know I said that but that's not what I
meant
well I know I did that but that wasn't all about you
and we're able to
once they have had a chance to share that and again we need to listen
not be figuring out all the things that we are going to
Say, our rebuttal
which we usually start in about three quarters of the way in their
sharing right
we wait our turn
along the way
Forgive and seek forgiveness
this table is about a God
who made the first step in forgiving us
and as Christians he calls us to the same thing
we have to be willing to ask someone for forgiveness
when we know that we've hurt them
that we've contributed to the rift between us and them
and then as they ask for forgiveness
we have to
extend forgiveness to them which at times is not easy to do when we've
really been hurt
but a reconciled relationship is really about forgiveness
about forgiveness extended and forgiveness received
we need to be committed to better behavior better communication that never
hurts
I'll try harder
None of us are perfect but hopefully we're better
you know there's no perfect marriages there's no perfect
people but hopefully we've improved along the way
forget what you have forgiven
and forgetting what you have forgiven is hard to do because of the last thing
that made you have to be willing to, oh no I've got to trust them again
again
man
they've really hurt me and now you want me to trust them that puts me back into
a position of
vulnerability with them and then they can hurt me again
to have a reconciled relationship means a willingness to trust again
and that's not always
easy to do
it's not always
easy to forget what we have forgiven
but isn't it great that we have a God
that's done that very thing
we have a God
that didn't wait for us
to bridge the gap
between Him and us
and yes we created conflict in our relationship with God didn't we
we sinned
and that created a conflict and God came
to reconcile that conflict with each one of us
he didn't make us pay
but he was the one that was willing to pay
he was willing to give His very body
He was willing to shed
His blood
all to the end that we would have forgiveness all to the end that
we would have a reconciled relationship with Him
All to the end that we would understand what a
what a forgiving and forgetful God we worship
as God has forgiven us Jesus challenges us
to think about who we need to forgive
and then these
moments of communion today I hope
you'll be able to
to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you about any
relationships that you're part of were your
alienated in conflict with one another
that the Holy Spirit might give you some insight this morning
and what you can do
to make the first move
and seeking
a reconciled
forgiven relationship with that person
in the service as we
share the bread
we share these words this is Christ body broken for you
I'd encourage you to take
the bread individually as we each received Christ
to our own person
and then as we
share
the cup
we share these words this is Christ blood shed for you
and I'd ask you to
Hold the cup
because we are God's family we are
committed the harmony and unity with one another
and the fact that we take communion in
united together as a
a symbol of our commitment to seek out harmony and unity
in our relationships with one another
that is continue to worship God would those
serving this morning please come forward
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