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[ LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]
>> HILLARY, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR THROWING THIS HALLOWEEN
PARTY.
>> JOHN EDWARDS, I'M SO GLAD YOU
CAME.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR ALL OF US DEMOCRATS TO GET
TOGETHER AFTER TUESDAY'S DEBATE.
[ LAUGHS LOUDLY ]
>> AGREED.
>> YOU KNOW, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH
THINGS CAN GET HEATED, COME NEXT
NOVEMBER, WE ALL HAVE TO SUPPORT
THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE, NO
MATTER WHO SHE MAY BE.
>> AND MAY I JUST SAY, THAT IS A
GREAT WITCH COSTUME.
>> I'M ACTUALLY A BRIDE.
>> OH, OKAY. NOW I SEE IT.
>> YEAH.
>> ALL IN HOW YOU WEAR IT, I
GUESS.
>> JOHN EDWARDS, YOU BETTER NOT
BE USING THE GAME ON MY WIFE.
>> LOOKING GOOD, BILL.
LOOKING GOOD.
>> I'M SORRY, JOHN.
COULD I HAVE A WORD WITH MY
HUSBAND?
>> SURE.
>> BILL, I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO
DRESS LIKE BRIDE AND GROOM.
>> OH, MAN, EVERYONE KNOWS WE'RE
MARRIED.
>> [ SIGHS ]
WHO ARE YOU EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE?
>> I'M MYSTERY FROM THAT SHOW
"THE PICKUP ARTIST."
>> BILL CLINTON, HOW IS THAT
APPROPRIATE?
>> OH, IT'S A PARTY.
HAVE FUN, ALL RIGHT?
HEY, WELL, IF IT ISN'T
BILL RICHARDSON.
>> OH, WELL...
>> HILLARY, BILL.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE,
BILL?
>> I'M AL GORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT THE NOBEL PRIZE, OSCAR.
>> THAT'S GREAT, BILL.
>> YEAH. I KNOW.
ME DRESSED AS VICE PRESIDENT.
[ LAUGHS ] IT'S WEIRD. YEAH.
NOT THAT WEIRD, THOUGH, RIGHT?
>> YOU LOOK GREAT.
>> YEAH. HEY, SO CAN I HELP OUT
AT ALL?
>> ACTUALLY, WE COULD USE
SOME ICE.
>> I'M ON IT.
>> OKAY.
>> MAN, HE REALLY DOES WANT TO
BE YOUR VICE PRESIDENT.
>> HOW COME EVERY TIME SOMEONE
SAYS SOMETHING NICE TO ME, YOU
SAY IT'S BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE
MY VICE PRESIDENT?
PEOPLE ARE NICE TO YOU ALL THE
TIME.
DO THEY WANT TO BE YOUR VICE
PRESIDENT?
>> WELL, PEOPLE LIKE ME.
>> BILL!
>> JOE BIDEN AND CHRIS DODD.
>> HELLO. HELLO.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING US.
>> WHY WEREN'T YOU GUYS AT THE
DEBATE?
>> THE --
NO. WE WERE. WE WERE.
>> DOWN AT THE END.
>> OH. [ LAUGHS ]
OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> SO YOU GUYS BOTH DRESSED LIKE
SpongeBob?
>> YEAH. IT'S FUNNY.
CAN'T HELP THINKING IF THERE
WERE ONLY ONE OF US, THIS
COSTUME WOULD MAKE A BIGGER
IMPRESSION.
>> YEAH. WE REALLY CANCEL EACH
OTHER OUT.
>> WELL, THANKS FOR HAVING US.
>> YEAH.
>> HEY, GREAT MYSTERY COSTUME,
BILL.
>> AND YOU MAKE A VERY SCARY
WITCH.
>> OH, I'M --
>> UH-OH.
>> OH, NO. OH, NO.
MIKE GRAVEL IS HERE.
HELLO, MIKE.
>> OH, YEAH. HI, HILLARY.
HERE'S A LITTLE THING.
I BROUGHT YOU SOME CANDY.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
HOW THOUGHTFUL -- A BAG OF LOOSE
MILK DUDS.
>> YEAH. YOU KNOW, I FOUND IT ON
THE BUS.
I GUESS I GOT LUCKY.
>> YEAH.
>> GREAT COSTUME, MIKE.
>> OH. YEAH.
I-IT'S A COSTUME.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
>> OH, OH!
THESE AREN'T MILK DUDS.
>> HEY, WHO IS THAT LITTLE BOY
MAKING OUT WITH THAT LADY?
>> THAT'S DENNIS KUCINICH AND
HIS WIFE.
>> THAT IS HIS WIFE?
>> MM-HMM.
>> ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S A MARRIAGE HE WON'T
REGRET IN 30 YEARS.
>> HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO REACT
WHEN YOU SAY THAT?
>> HEY, GREAT OBAMA MASK.
>> YEAH. WELL, WHO IS THAT UNDER
THERE?
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, HILLARY. HELLO, BILL.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> YES. NICE TO SEE YOU, BARACK.
SO YOU'RE DRESSED AS YOURSELF?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, HILLARY, I
HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
I ENJOY BEING MYSELF.
I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE WHO I AM
JUST BECAUSE IT'S HALLOWEEN.
>> WELL, THAT'S --
THAT'S GREAT.
>> AND MAY I SAY, YOU MAKE A
LOVELY BRIDE.
>> SHE'S A WITCH.
>> BILL!
>> WHAT?
>> PLEASE EXCUSE MY HUSBAND,
BARACK.
NOW, WERE YOU SAYING SOMETHING?
>> YES. I JUST WANTED TO LET THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE KNOW THAT...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S...
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> YOU'RE WATCHING TV LAND AT
11:00 ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.
THINK ABOUT IT.
>> AND NOW, COLGATE PRESENTS...
NOW, PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOST,
THE SPAWN OF MOLOCH,
VINCENT PRICE!
>> [ LAUGHING MANIACALLY ]
[ WHIRRING ]
[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
ALL HALLOW'S EVE, WHEN
THE MINIONS OF SAMHAIN COME
BACK...
[ WHIRRING STOPS ]
GUYS, I'M NOT FULLY UP YET.
YOU GOT TO KEEP PRESSING THE --
THE THING.
...TO WREAK HAVOC ON THE LIVING,
AND --
GUYS, WRONG WAY. WRONG WAY!
UP, UP, UP, UP! GUYS!
[ WHIRRING STOPS, CLANGS ]
GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON?
BROKEN? SERIOUSLY?
FINE. HOLD ON A SECOND.
[ GRUNTS ]
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THANK YOU ALL FOR --
[ WHIRRING ]
GUYS, I'M OUT. STOP IT!
[ WHIRRING STOPS ]
THANK YOU, AND WELCOME TO MY
HALLOWEEN SPECIAL.
TONIGHT, PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A
NIGHT OF SPOOKS AND SCARES, AS
WE HAVE INVITED OVER SOME OF
OUR MOST FAMOUS FRIENDS FOR SOME
TRICKS AND, ALSO, SOME TREATS.
THEY'VE ALL AGREED TO WEAR
COSTUMES, SO SEE IF YOU COULD
RECOGNIZE THEM.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
LET'S SEE WHO'S AT THE DOOR.
I HOPE IT'S NOT A PIRATE AND A
SPOOKY SPACEMAN.
[ DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ DOOR CREAKS ]
FROM THE FILM "SUNSET BLVD.,"
MISS GLORIA SWANSON,
AND FROM "LOLITA,"
MR. JAMES MASON!
>> I'M A PIRATE.
ARRRR!
>> A PIRATE?
I DON'T REALLY SEE A LOT OF
EFFORT, AS FAR AS DRESSING LIKE
A PIRATE GOES.
I THOUGHT WE AGREED YOU WOULD
WEAR A COSTUME.
>> I'M A PIRATE.
CAN'T YOU TELL?
IT'S ABOUT THE ACTING.
I'M AN ACTRESS.
THAT'S WHAT I DO, AND WHEN I SAY
I'M A PIRATE, I'M A PIRATE.
ARRRR!
>> YEAH. SHE'S A PIRATE, PRICE.
MY JOLLY ROGER WAS AT FULL MAST
THE WHOLE DRIVE OVER.
>> ARRRR! ARRRR!
>> OKAY, VERY NICE.
NO SPACEMAN COSTUME, JAMES?
>> NO, DIDN'T EVEN OPEN THE
BOX -- TOO OLD FASHIONED.
>> THE SUIT WAS TOO
OLD-FASHIONED?
>> NO, I HAD TWO OLD FASHIONS,
AND I COULDN'T OPEN THE BOX.
I'VE BEEN DRUNK SINCE
11:00 A.M., PRICE.
>> PLEASE, JAMES, FAMILY SHOW!
>> UNDERSTOOD.
SAY, WHERE ARE THE ***?
>> GEEZY CREEZY, JAMES!
GLORIA, WHAT'S GOING ON OVER
THERE?
>> GET OFF MY PIRATE SHIP, OR
THE GIRL DIES.
>> SAY, VINCENT, DO YOU MIND IF
I SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE
COMFORTABLE?
I PISSED MYSELF ON THE WAY OVER
HERE.
PRETTY NUMB DOWN THERE, SO I
ONLY KNOW IT WHEN IT HITS MY
ANKLES.
[ CHUCKLES ]
GLORIA, ANOTHER DRINK?
>> NO MORE DRINKS!
NO MORE DRINKS!
PLEASE.
[ DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS ]
NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR
MOST HORRIFYING SONGSMITH --
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE GHOST OF LIBERACE!
[ PIANO PLAYS ASCENDING NOTES ]
[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> THANK YOU.
WELL, BEFORE I START MY SONG, I
WANT TO SHOW YOU ALL SOMETHING.
THIS IS A TRICK-OR-TREAT BAG
THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY
THE PRESIDENT OF ARGENTINA.
NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S
COVERED IN SAPPHIRES AND TOPAZ.
>> WHERE'S THE GHOST COSTUME,
LIBERACE?
>> GHOST? I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON
RESTORATION FRANCE BY WAY OF
ATLANTIC CITY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> SAVE YOUR SASSY ASIDES FOR
YOUR WINDOWLESS BARS!
NOW...PREPARE YOUR EARS FOR A
TRULY HORRIFYING PERFORMANCE.
I SHALL RECITE EDGAR ALLAN POE'S
"THE RAVEN," WHILE LIBERACE
PROVIDES HAUNTING ACCOMPANIMENT.
[ PIANO PLAYS DRAMATIC MUSIC ]
>> ONCE UPON A MIDNIGHT DREARY,
WHILE I PONDERED WEAK AND
WEARY...
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]
...OVER A MANY QUAINT AND
CURIOUS VOLUME OF FORGOTTEN
LORE...
HAUNTING, LIBERACE. HAUNTING.
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
...WHILE I NODDED, NEARLY --
GUYS.
IS THIS MUSIC WORKING FOR YOU?
BECAUSE IT IS NOT WORKING FOR
ME!
>> I-I HAVE SOME ISSUES WITH THE
LYRICS.
>> YES, SAME HERE, VINCENT.
THAT'S A REAL DOWNER.
GLORIA AND I COULD USE SOMETHING
A BIT MORE UPBEAT. UH.
DO YOU KNOW THIS ONE?
"THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL NAMED
REGINA --"
>> STOP! FAMILY SHOW!
>> YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE
IT'S GOING.
>> ALL THE SAME...
>> ***.
>> WONDERFUL.
LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR
PUMPKIN-CARVING CONTEST.
READY, GLORIA?
AND SHE'S EATEN THE PUMPKIN.
>> ARRRRRRR!
>> THAT'S GREAT, JUST GREAT.
DIDN'T WANT TO THROW THE BRAKES
ON THAT, JAMES?
>> YEAH, WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY,
VINCENT?
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE PUT
SOMETHING THAT BIG DOWN SO FAST.
>> I HAVE.
>> COOL IT, LIBERACE!
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
AH, LOCAL CHILDREN!
CHILDREN.
I'M REMINDING ALL OF YOU --
CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY...
ALL OF YOU.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S ANSWER THE
DOOR.
OOH, YAY, YIPPEE.
[ DOOR CREAKS ]
>> Both: TRICK OR TREAT.
>> AWW! WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO
BE, YOUNG LADY?
>> I'M A PRINCESS.
>> OH, HOW ADORABLE!
>> AND YOU, YOUNG MAN --
I IMAGINE YOU'RE DRESSED AS SOME
BRAND OF HOMOSEXUAL.
>> YOU'RE MEAN!
I WANT MY MOM!
>> THAT MAKES TWO OF US.
[ CHUCKLES ]
TELL HER TO BRING A LADY FRIEND
FOR MY FRIEND LIBERACE OVER
HERE.
>> OH, I'M GOOD.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> KIDS, NO! DON'T GO!
THANKS, JAMES.
NOW I'M GOING TO WAKE UP IN THE
MORNING WITH A HOUSE COVERED IN
TOILET TISSUE.
LET'S WRAP IT UP.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
YOU HAVE JUST PARTAKEN IN A
CELEBRATION MOST FOUL...
[ WHIRRING ]
...WHERE PHANTASMS AND
WRAITHS...
YOU WANT TO CLEAR FRAME THERE?
JUST WANT TO...
...WANDER THE EARTHLY PLANE IN
SEARCH OF VENGEANCE UPON THE
LIVING AND --
[ WHIRRING STOPS ]
GUYS, I THOUGHT WE HAD THIS
THING FIXED.
[ INTERMITTENT WHIRRING ]
OH, GREAT. OH, GREAT.
YEAH, WELL, HAVE A
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY.
AAH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THIS HAS BEEN...
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
>> AS THE TEAM CLIMBED
THE STAIRS TO
CHILLINGHAM CASTLE BEDROOM,
DEREK ACORAH INSISTED HE COULD
HEAR THE SOUND OF A YOUNG BOY
CRYING.
THE CLOSER HE GOT, THE MORE
AGITATED HE BECAME.
>> HOW ARE OUR SOUND LEVELS?
>> NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY
YET.
>> I HEARD THE CRIES OF A SMALL
BOY.
HE WAS CRYING OUT.
I'M BEING DRAWN TO THE ENERGY
AROUND THE ARMOIRE.
EVERYONE ELSE, STAY THERE.
>> STUART, DO YOU HAVE YOUR
CAMERA READY?
>> READY.
>> SO HERE WE STAND IN TOTAL
DARKNESS IN THE ROOM OF A SMALL
BOY WHO SUFFOCATED IN THIS VERY
ARMOIRE.
DO YOU HAVE A NAME?
ARE YOU HERE WITH US?
WHY DO YOU CRY OUT?
>> SPEAK TO US.
LET YOUR PRESENCE BE KNOWN.
>> IF YOU CAN HEAR US,
GIVE US A SIGN.
[ FART ]
>> WHAT WAS THAT?
>> DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT?
>> YEAH, I DID.
>> NO, NO.
I JUST SHIFTED MY FEET.
IT WAS PROBABLY MY TENNIS
SLIPPERS SCOOTING AGAINST THE
FLOOR.
>> NO, I'M SURE THAT WASN'T IT.
DO WE HAVE PLAYBACK ON THAT?
>> WELL, LET ME CHECK.
>> NO, DON'T -- DON'T BOTHER.
DON'T BOTHER.
[ VIDEO REWINDING ]
>> GOT IT.
[ FART ]
>> LET'S HEAR IT AGAIN.
[ VIDEO REWINDING ]
[ FART ]
OH, MY GOD.
>> THAT JUST MADE THE HAIRS
ON THE BACK OF MY NECK STAND UP.
>> I'M CALLING FOR BACKUP
ON THE WALKIE TALKIE.
>> OH, NONSENSE.
IT SOUNDED MORE LIKE A --
LIKE A -- LIKE A VERY FAT BUG
JUST FLEW INTO THE WINDOWPANE.
THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDED LIKE
TO ME.
>> THAT WAS NOT A BUG.
EVERYONE, LISTEN TO IT AGAIN.
[ VIDEO REWINDING ]
[ FART ]
>> NO, LOOK.
THIS IS AN OLD CASTLE.
IT'S PROBABLY LARGE STONES
SHIFTING IN THE FOUNDATION.
>> IT'S LIKE A SPIRIT IS TRYING
TO TELL US SOMETHING.
>> YOU KNOW, I COULD SLOW IT
DOWN.
>> YEAH, GOOD IDEA.
GOOD IDEA.
LET'S SEE IF IT'S THE BOY
TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH US.
[ VIDEO REWINDING ]
>> HERE IT IS.
[ SLOW FART ]
>> OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
>> Shh! LISTEN.
IT SOUNDED LIKE HE SAID A NAME.
JULIAN. DID YOU HEAR IT?
JULIAN. JULIAN.
WHO IS JULIAN?
ARE YOU JULIAN?
>> LET'S HEAR IT AGAIN.
[ VIDEO REWINDING ]
[ FART ]
SOUNDED MORE LIKE ROGER TO ME.
RO-O-O-GER.
ROGER.
IS THERE IS A ROGER HERE?
>> LET ME HEAR IT AGAIN,
BUT SLOWER.
[ VIDEO REWINDING ]
[ SLOW FART ]
>> SEE, TO ME, IT SOUNDS LIKE A
YOUNG BOY SAYING, "WHY?
WHY? WHY?"
>> I-I THINK I JUST HEARD
FAR OFF CRIES FROM ANOTHER ROOM
IN THE FAR-OFF AREA
OF THE CASTLE.
WE SHOULD -- WE SHOULD MOVE
THERE IMMEDIATELY -- LEAVE HERE.
>> BUT THERE'S SO MUCH
PARANORMALITY HERE.
STUART, DO YOU HAVE PLAYBACK
ON THE THERMAL CAMERA?
>> I'M GONNA NEED SOME LIGHT.
LET ME CUE IT UP.
GOT IT.
[ FART ]
>> OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS TERRIFYING.
STUART, CAN WE SEE IT AGAIN
IN SLOW MOTION?
>> OH, PLEASE.
[ SLOW FART ]
>> WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF IT,
STUART?
>> THE SPIRIT'S ENERGY
SEEMS TO BE FOCUSED
RIGHT BEHIND DEREK.
>> LOOK, WE SHOULD --
WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.
THIS -- THIS COULD BE BAD, YOU
KNOW?
>> OH, MY GOD.
AS I'M APPROACHING YOU, DEREK,
THERE'S AN INTENSIFYING
SULFURIC SMELL.
EVERYONE, COME OVER HERE
AND STAND NEXT TO DEREK.
>> ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE.
THERE'S DEFINITELY EVIL HERE.
OH, I'M GETTING LIGHTHEADED.
>> OH, BLOODY HELL,
I BROKE WIND, ALL RIGHT?
WHY -- WHY DO YOU HAVE TO
INVESTIGATE THINGS SO
EXHAUSTIVELY?
>> BECAUSE WE ARE BLOODY
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATORS.
>> LOOK, I LET ONE RIP.
YOU'VE SOLVED THE MYSTERY.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
>> JULIAN.
>> MAYBE WE SHOULD LEAVE.
WE SHOULD LEAVE. DEFINITELY.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> AND NOW, FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN
ENJOYMENT, "THE RAVEN" BY
EDGAR ALLAN POE, AS RECITED BY
TONTO, TARZAN, AND FRANKENSTEIN.
>> Both: ONCE UPON
MIDNIGHT DREARY...
>> [ GROWLING ]
>> Both: ...WHILE PONDERED,
WEAK, WEARY...
OVER MANY QUAINT, CURIOUS
VOLUME -- FORGOTTEN LORE,
WHILE NODDED, NEARLY NAPPING,
SUDDENLY TAPPING --
SOMEONE RAPPING, RAPPING AT
CHAMBER DOOR.
QUOTH RAVEN, "NEVERMORE."
>> [ SNARLS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> PETER, YOU PROMISE THIS ISN'T
GONNA BE TOO SCARY?
I HATE HAUNTED HOUSES.
>> KELLY, COME ON.
THE MERRYVILLE HAUNTED CASTLE IS
A KIDS' RIDE, OKAY?
NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.
BOO!
>> PETER, DON'T DO THAT!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
I'M SORRY, SWEETIE.
HEY, LOOK. HEY, LOOK.
IT'S THE MERRYVILLE BROTHERS.
CHECK IT OUT.
[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> [ Lip-synching ] ♪ GHOSTS AND
GHOULS AND SPOOKY FOOLS
WILL TERRIFY YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE SCARY
FATE OF A MERRYVILLE
HALLOWEEN ♪
BOOO!
>> OH, THOSE GUYS CRACK ME UP.
>> YEAH?
WELL, THEY CREEP ME OUT.
>> OKAY, MISS SCAREDY-PANTS.
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
>> OH. WHAT -- WHAT WAS THAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> HEY, SORRY, FOLKS.
UH, WE'RE JUST HAVING A LITTLE
TECHNICAL ISSUE WITH THE
GENERATOR.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.
[ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ]
OKAY, HANG TIGHT.
>> THAT WAS WEIRD.
WHY DID HE DO THAT?
>> BABY, IT'S FINE, OKAY?
[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> OH, NO.
>> ♪ GHOSTS AND GHOULS
AND SPOOKY FOOLS
WILL TERRIFY YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE SCARY
FATE OF A MERRYVILLE
HALLOWEEN ♪
BOOO!
>> WHY -- WHY ARE THEY STARING
AT US?
>> HEY, HOW CAN THEY STARE AT
US?
I MEAN, THEY'RE -- THEY'RE
INANIMATE ROBOTS.
COME ON.
>> O-OKAY, THAT ONE'S SMOKING.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
HE'S PROBABLY ON BREAK THERE,
OKAY?
HEY, HEY, HEY.
GET OUT OF HERE.
>> OH. OH, MY GOD.
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THEM MAD.
YOU'RE GONNA -- YOU'RE --
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THEM MAD RIGHT
NOW, OKAY?
OHH.
OH, MY GOD!
DID YOU SEE THAT?
>> YEAH. THEY WENT DOWN.
THE RIDE'S PROBABLY FIXED.
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ GHOSTS AND GHOULS... ♪
>> OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL US,
OKAY?!
>> ♪ YOU CAN'T ESCAPE... ♪
>> I-I DON'T SEE IT.
>> THEY HAVE WEAPONS!
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
>> BOOO!
[ CHAIN SAW REVVING ]
>> O-OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S ENOUGH.
WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!
>> BABY, YOU'RE GETTING
PARANOID.
JUST COME ON.
>> OH, MY GOD.
YOUR NAME IS ON THAT TOMBSTONE.
>> PETER IS A COMMON NAME.
>> OKAY, WELL, IT'S ALSO GOT
YOUR PICTURE.
>> HEY, FOLKS, WE'RE GETTING
REAL CLOSE ON FIXING THE RIDE.
>> OKAY, HURRY UP!
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME AND MY
BOYFRIEND!
>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. BOYFRIEND?
LET'S SLOW DOWN.
WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
MA'AM, I ASSURE YOU -- THERE IS
NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.
I HAVE WORKED HERE FOR A VERY
LONG TIME --
OHH! OHH!
[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> OH! OH, MY GOD!
>> ♪ GHOSTS AND GHOULS
AND SPOOKY FOOLS... ♪
>> OH, MY GOD! OH! OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!
>> ♪ YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE SCARY
FATE OF A MERRYVILLE
HALLOWEEN ♪
>> OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
>> BOOO!
>> OH, NO, I JUST --
WHAT ARE THEY DO-- WHAT ARE
THEY DOING?
OH! OH, MY GOD!
DON'T -- DON'T LET THEM TAKE
YOU!
>> HEY, IT'S OKAY.
I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE.
>> DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOU!
OH, MY GOD!
OH! OH!
OH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW I SHOULD BE SCARED, BUT
YOU HAVE A VERY LIKABLE FACE.
>> [ Lip-synching ] I GET THAT A
LOT.
>> ♪ YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE SCARY
FATE OF A MERRYVILLE
HALLOWEEN ♪
BOOO!
[ WOMAN VOCALIZING ]
>> WHO'S THAT?
>> WHO?
HIM?
>> NO.
THEM.
>> THOSE ARE THE FRANKS.
>> THEY DON'T HANG OUT WITH
ANYONE ELSE.
>> HE'S CUTE.
>> THAT'S PHILIP.
[ LAUGHS ] DON'T BOTHER.
>> STELLA, PLEASE SIT WITH
PHILIP.
>> HEY.
>> HEY.
>> OKAY, EVERYONE.
TURN ON YOUR BUNSEN BURNERS.
>> AAH!
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.
YOUR SKIN IS GREEN.
YOU HAVE BOLTS IN YOUR NECK.
YOU FREAK OUT AROUND FIRE.
>> SAY IT...OUT LOUD.
>> FRANKENSTEIN.
WHY WON'T YOU KISS ME?
>> BECAUSE WHEN I KISS PEOPLE, I
TEND TO ACCIDENTALLY CHOKE THEM
TO DEATH.
>> I WANT YOU TO TRY.
>> [ SNARLING ]
>> WHAT'S WRONG?
>> WE FOUND AN OLD BLIND MAN
STRANGLED TO DEATH.
LOOKS LIKE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
>> STRANGLED?
BY ACCIDENT?
>> HEY.
>> HEY, LOMAX.
>> I SEE YOU'RE HANGING WITH
PHILIP FRANK NOW.
>> WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST THE
FRANKS?
>> JUST...
BE CAREFUL.
[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> I DO BELIEVE I'M GONNA
STRANGLE SOMEONE...BY ACCIDENT.
[ SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> YOU ARE MY LIFE NOW.
>> YOU'RE CHOKING ME.
>> SORRY.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELL, IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN
IN NEW YORK, WHICH MEANS
MILLIONS OF TOURISTS WILL BE
HEADING HERE TO SEE WHAT FUN
THE BIG APPLE HAS TO OFFER.
HERE, WITH SOME TIPS ON WHAT
THEY SHOULD CHECK OUT IS OUR
CITY CORRESPONDENT, STEFON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]
>> HI.
>> HI.
>> I'M STEFON.
>> YEAH, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
OKAY, SO, STEFON -- HALLOWEEN --
ALWAYS A BIG DEAL IN NEW YORK.
SO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT
SOME OF THE BEST SPOTS FOR
PEOPLE TO CHECK OUT?
>> YES. IF YOU NEED TO GET A
SPOT CHECKED OUT, I KNOW JUST
THE PLACE FOR YOU.
NEW YORK'S HOTTEST CLUB IS
[Deep voice] JELLY BONES...
[Normal voice] LOCATED ON
THE LOWER UPPER SIDE.
THIS RANDOM HOME INVASION IS
THE CREATION OF LEGALLY DRUNK
CLOTHING DESIGNER
NICK NOLTE AND GABANA.
AS YOU WALK IN, YOU'LL BE HANDED
A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE -- OR IS IT
***?
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THIS PLACE HAS
EVERYTHING -- SLURPIES,
MUSHMOUTHS, LITTERBUGS.
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT SECURITY
BECAUSE IT'S GUARDED BY AN ARMY
OF HOBO-COPS.
>> HOBO-COPS?
>> HOMELESS ROBOCOPS.
>> OH, OKAY, YEAH.
LOOK, STEFON, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
KIND OF A HEAVY-DUTY SCENE.
I WAS, YOU KNOW, JUST LOOKING
FOR SOMETHING MORE TRADITIONAL.
>> MM!
>> YOU KNOW, UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE THIS WOULD HELP KEEP IT ON
TRACK.
WHY DON'T YOU WALK US THROUGH
WHAT YOU WILL DO ON HALLOWEEN?
>> UH, WHAT I DO ON HALLOWEEN?
UM, STARTING WHEN?
>> WELL, LET'S SAY 7:00 AT
NIGHT.
>> 7:00 P.M.
>> YES.
>> OKAY. SO, I WAKE UP.
I GO HOME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I TAKE A SHOWER.
♪ YA-DA-DI, DA-DA-DA ♪
♪ DO-DO-DO ♪
NOW, MY DOG, BARK RUFFALO,
PROBABLY HASN'T EATEN YET, SO I
NEED TO FEED HIM.
>> YEAH, BUT WHERE WILL YOU GO
WHEN YOU GO OUT?
>> OHH, RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE.
NEW YORK'S HOTTEST HALLOWEEN
PARTY IS...
[ HISSES ]
[ HISSES ]
...LOCATED IN AN ABANDONED
WHITEFISH FACTORY IN
LITTLE ISRAEL.
THIS -- THIS PLACE IS GONNA HAVE
EVERYTHING -- GHOSTS, GHOULS,
GOBLINS, MY SON.
AND ON THE DANCE FLOOR, YOU'LL
FIND BOTH GUYS FROM WHAM!
WEARING A TWO-MAN HORSE
COSTUME.
SPOILER ALERT -- THEY'RE BOTH IN
THE BACK.
PLUS, THERE'S A --
THERE'S A SPECIAL GUEST.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF BLACULA,
THE BLACK DRACULA?
>> YES.
>> WELL, THEY HAVE A JEWISH
DRACULA.
>> OH. WHAT'S HIS NAME?
>> SIDNEY APPLEBAUM.
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SIDNEY APPLEBAUM?
>> [ Laughing ] YES.
>> JEWISH -- JEWISH DRACULA.
SIDNEY APPLEBAUM.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> FOR -- FOR --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FOR A HEALTHY SNACK...
>> OH, THAT'LL BE GOOD, YEAH.
>> ...HIT THE BAR AND HAVE SOME
FRAISINS -- RAISINS THAT LOOK
LIKE FRASIER.
OR -- OR TRY YOUR LUCK WITH
THE HUMAN PIÑATA.
>> AND WHAT IS THE HUMAN PIÑATA?
>> IT'S THAT THING OF WHEN A
MEXICAN MIDGET EATS A LOT OF
CANDY, AND THEN HE DANCES UNTIL
HE THROWS UP.
>> YOU KNOW, UH, STEFON, I THINK
"MIDGET" IS ACTUALLY AN OUTDATED
TERM.
>> SORRY. NOT "MIDGET" --
"FUN-SIZED."
>> OKAY.
OF COURSE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
IT WAS WORSE.
STEFON, I WAS LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING MORE WHOLESOME FOR
HALLOWEEN.
>> RIGHT. RIGHT.
>> YOU KNOW, A HAUNTED HOUSE OR
A PLACE TO HEAR GHOST STORIES.
>> OH, I KNOW A STORY WITH A
GHOST IN IT.
>> IS IT A HALLOWEEN-RELATED
STORY?
>> YES'M.
>> OKAY.
>> CAN I HAVE THE LIGHTS DOWN,
PLEASE?
OOHHH!
A LONG, LONG -- A LONG, LONG
TIME AGO, LIKE, SAY,
SIX MINUTES AGO, THERE WAS ONCE
AN OLD HOUSE.
AND IN THAT HOUSE, THERE LIVED
AN OLD GAY MAN THAT PEOPLE
CALLED "SLIMER."
>> WHY DID THEY CALL HIM
"SLIMER"?
>> WELL, IF YOU RECALL IN THE
FILM "GHOSTBUSTERS," SLIMER WAS
ABLE TO HOLD -- SHALL WE SAY? --
MULTIPLE HOT DOGS IN HIS MOUTH
AT ONE TIME.
>> OH, I UNDERSTAND AND STOP.
I UNDERSTAND AND STOP.
>> IF YOU UNDERSTOOD, YOU
WOULDN'T WANT IT TO STOP.
>> I DO UNDERSTAND, AND I DO
WANT IT TO STOP.
I DO UNDERSTAND, AND I DO WANT
IT TO STOP.
>> SORRY.
>> I UNDERSTAND -- YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
>> IT'S GREAT.
NO, I FULLY UNDERSTAND.
>> NOW, I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE
TRIED YOUR BEST, STEFON, AND I
JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
SHARING THOSE HALLOWEEN TIPS,
BUDDY.
>> WAIT. DON'T YOU WANT TO HANG
OUT ON HALLOWEEN?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I DO.
I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7:00.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
>> UH, YOU KNOW THE RadioShack
AT 23rd AND 7th?
>> YES.
>> I LIVE IN A GARBAGE CAN.
>> STEFON, EVERYBODY.
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
SETH MEYERS.
GOOD NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU'RE WATCHING
TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> WELCOME TO "THE ESSENTIALS."
I'M ROBERT OSBORNE.
TONIGHT, WE TAKE A JOURNEY
THROUGH ONE OF MY FAVORITE
GENRES -- THE 1970s
BLAXPLOITATION HORROR FILMS.
THERE ARE SO MANY CLASSICS FROM
THE ERA -- "BLACULA,"
"THE BLACK CREATURE FROM
THE BLACK LAGOON,"
AND, OF COURSE,
"THE PHANTOM OF THE APOLLO."
BUT PERHAPS ONE OF THE MOST
MEMORABLE WAS THE 1972 CLASSIC
THE "BRIDE OF BLACKENSTEIN."
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
>> [ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ]
BLACKENSTEIN, YOU'RE MY GREATEST
CREATION -- THE COOLEST,
BADDEST, BLACKEST MONSTER ON THE
FACE OF THE EARTH.
>> ARRRGH!
>> AND TONIGHT, AS I PROMISED, I
WILL GIVE YOU A BRIDE.
>> ARRGH!
>> IGOR!
>> YES, MASTER?
>> IT'S TIME TO PULL THE SWITCH
FOR THE BRIDE OF BLACKENSTEIN,
BABY!
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
IT'S ALIVE!
IT'S -- DAMN!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> AH, YES, SHE IS BEAUTIFUL,
MASTER.
AND I'M SURE THE SWELLING IN HER
BACKSIDE WILL GO DOWN SOON.
>> OH, WELL, IT BETTER NOT.
THAT *** IS A MASTERPIECE OF
MODERN SCIENCE!
>> AH, SO THAT'S WHY YOU HAD ME
FILL THOSE TWO BASKETBALLS WITH
JELLO?
>> DOUBLE-DRIBBLE, BABY.
>> AHH.
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> AH, YES, AND YOU -- YOU THINK
PEOPLE WILL LIKE THAT?
>> LIKE IT?
THEY'LL LOVE IT.
LOOK AT BLACKENSTEIN.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> NOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.
MAN, THIS MONSTER'S ABOUT TO GET
HIS GROOVE ON.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> OH, NO, HE IS NOT.
>> OH! SHE -- SHE SPEAKS!
SHE SPEAKS!
>> UH-OH. THAT'S NOT GOOD.
>> YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST -- YOU
THINK YOU CAN JUST WALK UP ON ME
AND GET SOME OF THIS -- I MEAN,
ALL OF THIS?
>> NO, NO.
>> UNH-UNH.
>> I-I MEAN -- AAARGH!
>> "AAARGH"?
DON'T YOU SAY "AAARGH" TO ME.
I KNOW YOU CAN TALK.
AND THE FIRST WORDS OUT YOUR
MOUTH BETTER BE, "I'M GETTING A
JOB."
>> [ SIGHS ]
IGOR, MAN, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT
BRAIN?
>> AH, FROM A WOMAN WHO HAD JUST
DIED.
>> WHAT KIND OF WOMAN?
>> SHE WORKED AT THE DMV.
>> [ SIGHS ]
AND WHAT ABOUT THE FINGERNAILS?
>> FROM A CASHIER AT WALGREENS.
>> AND WHERE DID YOU GET THE
MOUTH?
>> FROM A HO WHO DIDN'T KNOW HER
PLACE.
>> IGOR!
>> WHAT? THAT'S HOW SHE
DESCRIBED HERSELF, MASTER!
>> AND WHERE DID YOU GET THE
HAIR?
>> EXCUSE ME.
THIS HAIR IS REAL.
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
>> IT'S VERY NICE HAIR.
IT'S VERY NICE HAIR.
>> I KNOW.
>> COME ON, BABY.
I JUST NEED SOME LOVIN' FROM MY
BRIDE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> BRIDE? BRIDE?
DID YOU GET ME AN INVISIBLE
RING?
'CAUSE I DON'T SEE NOTHING ON MY
FINGER.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
I AIN'T NEVER MET YOU.
YOU'RE TAKING ME TO DINNER FIRST
OR SOMETHING.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]
COME ON, NOW!
>> BUT I HAD PLANS TONIGHT.
I'M GOING OUT WITH WOLFMAN AND
THE MUMMY.
>> THAT -- WHOA, THAT
SMELLY-*** DOG PERSON AND
OLD MR. BANDAGE?
UNH-UNH, NO WAY. NO WAY.
>> BUT THEY'RE MY FRIENDS, BABY.
>> NOT NO MO'.
FROM NOW ON, I'M YOUR FRIENDS,
AND I BARELY EVEN LIKE YOU.
>> OH, MASTER, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
WHY DOESN'T HE JUST TELL HER
HE'S THE MAN AND THAT SHE SHOULD
DO AS HE SAYS?
>> YOU EVER BEEN WITH A SISTER?
>> NO.
>> THEN YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
>> I'VE JUST BEEN WITH JEWISH
GIRLS.
>> OH, THEN YOU KIND OF
UNDERSTAND.
>> YES.
OHH. MASTER, LOOK!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
LOOK! THERE'S AN ANGRY MOB!
>> UH-OH!
>> YES. WE NEED TO HIDE!
YES, WE NEED TO HIDE THE BRIDE!
>> I'M NOT HIDING.
I'M GOING OUT.
IT'S CHECK DAY.
I GOT AN OUTFIT ON.
I WANT TO DANCE, BABY.
LET'S GET IT!
>> [ GROWLING ]
WE KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN
DOING IN THIS CASTLE,
DR. BLACKENSTEIN, AND IT ENDS --
DAMN!
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> [ CHUCKLING ]
I THINK WE GONNA SEE SOME
WEREWOLVES TONIGHT, 'CAUSE
THAT'S A FULL MOON.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> WHAT?!
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
>> UH, NOTHING, BABY.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> ARE YOU CHECKING OUT
THE BRIDE OF BLACKENSTEIN'S REAR
END?
>> OH, NO WAY, BABY.
YOU KNOW I LIKE MY *** LIKE
YOURS -- FLAT AND SHAPELESS.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> GOOD.
[ SAD NOTES PLAY ]
>> EXCUSE ME.
ARE Y'ALL THE POLICE?
'CAUSE IF Y'ALL AIN'T GOT A
WARRANT, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO
GET UP OUT OF MY CASTLE, BABY,
NOW!
LET'S GO!
>> HER CASTLE?
>> SEE WHAT I MEAN?
>> OHH.
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S MY CASTLE NOW.
AND NEXT WEEK, MY AUNTIE'S
COMING TO STAY WITH US, AND SHE
HAS A BAD FOOT, SO SHE'S GONNA
NEED A ROOM BY THE TOILET, OKAY?
>> OHH, MASTER, IS AN *** LIKE
THAT REALLY WORTH ALL THIS
TROUBLE?
>> OH, IT'S WORTH IT --
JUST LOOK AT IT.
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
[ DISCO MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ BRIDE OF BLACKENSTEIN ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT BABY GOT
BACK-ENSTEIN ♪
♪ FALL IN LOVE WITH
THE BRIDE
OF BLACKENSTEIN ♪
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
WHEW!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT WAS THE WHOLE MOVIE.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE 1964
BLAXPLOITATION ANTIWAR SATIRE...
FOR "THE ESSENTIALS," I'M
ROBERT OSBORNE, YOU DIG?
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> COMING SOON THIS JUNE ON
THE DISNEY CHANNEL...
MEET HAYLEY AND MAX.
THEY WERE REGULAR KIDS WITH A
REGULAR FAMILY.
[ RECORD SCRATCHES ]
>> Both: NOT!
>> HEY, I'M HAYLEY.
THIS IS MY BROTHER MAX.
>> AHHH!
>> OUR FAMILY WAS ALWAYS PRETTY
NORMAL.
>> UNH!
WHEE!
>> THEN OUR MOM TOOK A BUSINESS
TRIP TO SOUTH KOREA.
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
SHE WOUND UP HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH SOME GOVERNMENT BIGWIG.
HE WAS WORRIED SHE WAS WOULD
BLAB, SO HE DROWNED HER IN A
RIVER.
NOW MOM'S A MOOL-GWISHIN.
[ RECORD SCRATCHES ]
>> Both: A KOREAN WATER GHOST!
[ DOOR CREAKING ]
>> MOM'S HOME!
>> Both: AAH!
>> AND LET'S JUST SAY THINGS GOT
A LITTLE DIFFICULT.
COME ON, MOM, WE HAVE TO GO.
YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.
MOM!
>> WHAT?
OH, NOW I'M HOLDING YOU UP?
THAT'S A FIRST.
>> Both: MOM!
>> SHE MAY NOT BE PERFECT.
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> [ PIG SNORTING ]
>> MOM, GET OUT OF THE TV.
>> WHAT?
YOU SAID IT WAS MOVIE NIGHT.
>> BUT, SOMETIMES, SHE'S PRETTY
COOL.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
>> HI.
I'M MAX'S SCIENCE TEACHER.
I'M CONCERNED ABOUT HIS GRADES.
[ RASPY EXHALE ]
>> Both: WAY TO GO, MOM!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
OKAY. NOBODY TELLS DAD.
>> THIS JUNE...
[ CREAKING ]
>> AAAH!
>> AAAH!
>> GUYS, TIME FOR BED, ISN'T IT?
>> Both: AW, NUTS!
>> I THINK IT IS.
>> ...TUNE IN FOR THE FAMILY
THAT HAS TOO MUCH SPIRIT.
>> OH!
[ BONES CRACK ]
OHH! SOMEONE'S NOT GOING TO SPIN
CLASS TOMORROW.
>> OH!
>> Both: AW, NUTS!
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> IT'S "AW NUTS!
MOM'S A GHOST!"
ONLY ON DISNEY CHANNEL.
>> [ SCREAMING ]
EXCUSE ME, HONEY. SORRY.
>> HERE IS A SNICKERS FOR EACH
OF YOU.
AND FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE, HOW
ABOUT A CHARLESTON CHEW?
>> Both: THANK YOU,
MR. PETERSON.
>> HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
>> TRICK OR TREAT.
>> CAN I HELP YOU?
>> WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY KIT KAT BARS?
HECK, I'LL TAKE ANYTHING WITHOUT
TOFFEE.
IT'S A REAL *** ON THE
FILLINGS.
HEY, DON'T CALL ME A ***.
YOU'RE THE ***, ***.
WHAT?!
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, TRICK OR
TREAT.
>> AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD TO BE
TRICK-OR-TREATING?
>> WHAT? IS 43 TOO OLD TO BE IN
THE HALLOWEEN SPIRIT?
AND BY SPIRIT, I DON'T MEAN
GHOST.
HECK, I'M NOT THAT OLD.
WHAT?!
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
LOOK, I REALIZE THIS IS A LITTLE
UNUSUAL, BUT, YOU KNOW, I JUST
MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
AND, YOU KNOW, I FIGURED I'D USE
TRICK-OR-TREATING AS AN EXCUSE
TO GET OUT AND MAKE SOME NEW
FRIENDS.
I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SO
AWKWARD.
>> NO, YOU KNOW, THAT'S QUITE
ALL RIGHT.
THAT WASN'T VERY NEIGHBORLY OF
ME, AND I APOLOGIZE.
BOB PETERSON.
>> JEFF MONTGOMERY.
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
>> YOU KNOW, THIS DOESN'T EXCUSE
MY BEHAVIOR, BUT I HOPE YOU'LL
ACCEPT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER
CUP.
>> BOB, I COULDN'T THINK OF A
BETTER WELCOMING GIFT.
THANK YOU.
>> AND JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR HALLOWEEN
COSTUME?
>> I'M A SEX OFFENDER.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> I'M A SEX OFFENDER.
OH, OH, FOR HALLOWEEN.
>> A SEX OFFENDER?
>> YES.
PRETTY CONVINCING, HUH?
HERE, WATCH THIS.
I'M JEFF MONTGOMERY.
BY LAW, I'M REQUIRED TO INFORM
YOU THAT I'M A REPEAT SEX
OFFENDER.
NOW I'LL BE LIVING IN YOUR
NEIGHBORHOOD.
IT'S A GREAT COSTUME, RIGHT?
COULD YOU SIGN AND DATE THESE,
PLEASE?
>> WHAT AM I SIGNING?
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU WILL GET A BIG KICK OUT OF
THIS.
YOU SEE, AS PART OF MY COSTUME,
I'M HAVING EVERYONE SIGN THIS
FORM ACKNOWLEDGING THAT THERE'S
A SEX OFFENDER LIVING IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, ET CETERA, ET
CETERA.
>> LET'S JUST GET CLEAR ON
SOMETHING HERE.
IS "SEX OFFENDER" YOUR HALLOWEEN
COSTUME OR ARE YOU FULFILLING A
LEGAL OBLIGATION TO DECLARE
YOURSELF A SEX OFFENDER?
>> BOB, LIGHTEN UP!
IT'S HALLOWEEN, HUH?
BESIDES, THIS IS A TRADITION.
YOU KNOW, I DO THIS EVERY TIME I
MOVE TO A NEW TOWN.
>> ARE YOU, JEFF MONTGOMERY, A
SEX OFFENDER?
>> AM I, JEFF MONTGOMERY, A
REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER ON
HALLOWEEN?
YES.
>> WHAT ABOUT NOT ON
HALLOWEEN?
>> YES, EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT
HALLOWEEN, I'M STILL
JEFF MONTGOMERY.
>> A SEX OFFENDER?
>> LOOK, YOU'RE MISSING THE
POINT HERE, BOB.
THE POINT IS HALLOWEEN SPIRIT.
THE POINT IS TRICK-OR-TREAT.
THE POINT IS, COULD YOU SIGN
THOSE PAPERS?
>> ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU KNOW,
LAST CHANCE, AND I WILL CHECK
WITH THE POLICE ON THIS.
DO YOU HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD?
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
LOOK, IF I AM GUILTY OF ANY
CRIME, IT'S THE CRIME OF
SEXUALLY ASSAULTING FIVE
TEENAGERS.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS GONNA SOUND
LIKE A TERRIBLE SEGUE, BUT ARE
YOU LOOKING FOR A BABYSITTER?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
WHAT?!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]