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Once upon a rhyme in a land far far away, little girls with carefree curls prayed their prince
would come one day. That's what all the storybooks say, but after dreadful long delay those dreams
turned wrong and done decayed. Now they grown & pickin' a bone with the Never Never Land
they never never saw, and the dashing white horse that never "hee-hawd" as it boldly trod
the silky sod with Mr. WonderF--LAWLESS bod. So much for two peas in a pod. Isn't it odd
how looks deceive when you believe you can achieve a picture perfection, Disney confection,
sugar-coated collection of goldilocks in pretty frocks, talking clocks, gumdrops, lands of
candy, lollipops—oh so dandy! Poppy flowers, tall towers, hair with powers—oh how handy!
Crystal balls, little dwarves, fairy gods, lands of Oz, yellow brick roads, kissin' toads,
boilin' pots, bubblin' pets, precious pets, Cheshire cats, Zazu, Abu, Achoo! Bless You.
Mighty kings, diamond rings, all sorts of magic things. Oh my goodness, give me wings
like Tinkerbell, fins like Ariel, brains like that Beauty Belle to fly me, swim me, think
me, sink me out of this fairy hells bells, love smells, falling into wishing wells.
Who can save me? No one tells. Frogs & spells, frocks & frills, coats & tails, blondie blue-dressed
bombshells boppin' down bunny trails, hoppin' after rabbit tails for the happy-ending Holy
Grail, down very scary funnel holes, unlocking super secret codes to daring dreams of days of old.
Grab that nameless pot of gold to find that gold's done been sold and it's already rained
over your bow. Double bubble boil and trouble, 'bout to burst your royal bubble.
Swords & spoils, potions & boils, Hocus Pocus, oh so bogus. Promised a prince and I got locusts.
Yes I'm pouting. Regain focus. I got a little fairy tale with the kinda twist no one tells
and no one sells on no bookshelves. Strap in tight, brace yourselves. It's real, it's raw.
No whistles & bells. What if little miss Cinderells couldn't even pry her little slipper
on cuz her pumpkin turned to pie and her sisters ate it gone? And at the stroke of midnight
she was crying on her lawn because her fairy godmother
was just a con with a wand so Cinda lost her fella and got played like a pawn. And what if Sleeping Beauty woke to find she's
the Beast and Belle never got her magical feast cuz Mrs. Pots packed up for bigger dreams
in the east? So Chip never got his name with Mrs. P to blame for his motherless shame.
That poor cup went insane cuz that kettle never came, and Lumiere set the castle to
flame while Cogsworth ticked his last tock and was never the same. So instead that Belle
got rang and sprang by Gaston cuz he dropped her for a gang and sang her this last song:
"Sorry hun, it's done. ***, ***, gotta run with my gun,
so like Butch Cassidy and that kid I can dance in the sun. Now let bygones be bygones and so on and so on..."
Oh it's done. No, he's gone. He was the one. I'm gonna be a nun. That's no fun. Where can I run? Heart weighs a ton.
Tears start flowin', track's still rollin' so she sings Lord like Red Bull give me wings
like Tinkerbell, fins like Ariel, brains like that Beauty Belle to fly me, swim me, think
me, sink me out of this fairy hells bells, love smells falling into wishing wells.
Who can save me? No one tells. Double bubble boil and trouble, 'bout to burst your royal bubble.
Swords & spoils, potions & boils, Hocus Pocus, oh so bogus. Promised a prince and I got locusts.
Yes I'm pouting. Regain focus. I got another fairy tale with the kinda twist no one tells
and no one sells on no bookshelves. Strap in tight, brace yourselves. It's real, it's raw.
No whistle, no bell. What if Snow White got hooked on GTL? Fell right under the Jersey Shore spell.
Went toned, tan, and blonde for her man to find he liked cream & cocoa,
wasn't a fan. So she missed her first kiss after all of this, simply got dissed and ended
up with a lisp, cuz though her lip gloss was poppin', his knee wasn't droppin', but she
wasn't stoppin'. She went for the kill, he ran for the hill, she chased him and fell
as that sucka punched Jack and smooched Jill. Ah what the deal?! Snow couldn't get him back.
He slipped through the crack like every other quack. She was out. Bruised snout, busted
pout. What's that about? How alarmin' for Prince Charmin' to ditch Malibu Barbie for
a girl into farmin'?! Oh darlin'. So White lost her light, went dark as night, black
as coal. And what if Jasmine got no carpet ride cuz the genie lost his soul to the goal
of appeasing men just to find he's trapped within an imaginary lamp, a facade of gold
that he could easily break outta if his soul wasn't sold to a monkey and a man or a monkey
of a man who rode through Ali Baba on a llama in the middle of the summa to discover the
drama that the diamond in the rough was done stole by his mama? Come on. Oh mama I need a Savior.
What's his number? My life's a zoo. Tried Zen & Zumba. Why'd he dump me? Am I plump like Pumba?
Tears start flowin', track's still rollin' so she sings Lord like Red Bull give
me wings like Tinkerbell, fins like Ariel, brains like that Beauty Belle to fly me, swim
me, think me, sink me out of this fairy hell—ELUJAH! Think I've got it. Ah EUREKA! I'm about to
freak out. Let's get started. Oooh, I think the Fresh Prince just farted. How ironic.
Oh that's toxic. Think I'm gonna get sick. Nah, just a drama kick. Burnin' a lil candle wick.
Tock tick, tock tick, K ready? Comin' quick. What if Never Never Land's not so far
far from your hand? It takes a woman to make a man, so raise the standard, take a stand.
"Oh but I need that wedding band!" Well then guard your goods like contraband. Don't leave
your wits in la la land and head hung buried in the sand.
"But what if he needs his ego fanned?"
Then really, sweetie, he gets canned. Why you gotta go for fools so fake? Would you eat beef jerky when you could have steak?
I'm gonna eat and have my cake. "But once upon a, I wanna, needa, gotta, gonna"—hebbada, heemina, homina, HOLD UP.
"Fairy fairy quite contrary. He says he wuvs me. Let's get married. Wait ho ha what oh HOW DARE HE grab her dairy
air. Not fair. She's so square, got no flare. Plus I got waaay better hair. Oh I swear,
I thought he cared." Well if you dared, you got the chance to change the dance.
Little boys wanna get their hands in your pants. Real men wanna hold your heart in their hands.
Love is patient. Love is kind. I prefer to be wined and dined, like a diamond shined
cuz I'm a fruit of a vine Divine. Boy, keep your potion #9. Better step in line—but
if you can't, I won't whine cuz I got millions more in line. 1, 2, 3, 4, ooh he fine.
Oh my my, here's your sign, cuz my Clark Kent's a comin' in time. Red cape, blue tights, Superman sublime
& you can bet he's gonna be a dime, but mostly he'll just be mine. Bells gon' chime. Perfect partner, perfect crime. My own once upon a time.