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Not suicidal thoughts, I never actually thought about killing myself and plan it out, but
I know I was like trying to kill myself just by drinking myself to death. There were times
I would be so drunk I do not even remember coming home, I would be driving, I do not
remember how I got back home, waking up in my bed and like *** I drove home. Drinking
and just drinking and drinking and I remember thinking if I keep drinking like this I am
going to end up killing myself, oh well, drink some more. I really did not care. If I do
not wake up in the morning, whatever, I do not wake up in the morning. Just pushing yourself
as far as you can go with it.
Did not matter. I mean I could drink a fifth by myself and then if friends came over I
would drink with them as long as I was drinking. I just had to be drunk all the time. Wake
up in the morning, about an hour after
I wake up, after I showered and dressed I would start drinking and drink until I am
passed out at night.
Drink to relax because my anxiety got so bad that I would feel sick to my stomach like
I was going to throw up. Just the thoughts would just come to me
and start racing and once they start, all your memories and your thoughts start coming,
you start getting anxiety and start feeling nervous and dizzy and just like you just cannot
handle it. You feel like you are going to go crazy. So like to relax on that note, and
just to fit, just so I can feel like I was like everybody else, all my friends and family
and the normal people. Just so I can, so I did not have to think about where I was or
what I had become or what I did.
All that *** goes away when you are drunk, you are happy go lucky and yeah, this was
fun, yeah when it is really not that fun. You are not really having a good time, but
the drinking makes you seem like you are having a good time going out to dinner or just doing
the norm, that regular people do.