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CRAIG: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK.
MY FIRST GUEST IS A VERY
TALENTED MUSICIAN.
SHE'S ON TOUR RIGHT NOW, AND HER
MEMOIR IS OUT IN DECEMBER.
PLEASE WELCOME THE LEGEND THAT
IS COURTNEY LOVE!
COURTNEY LOVE!
[APPLAUSE]
HI, COURTNEY.
>> HI, CRAIG.
CRAIG: YOU LOOK GREAT!
>> YOU LOOK GREAT TOO!
CRAIG: YOU LOOK REALLY GREAT!
>> REALLY?
CRAIG: YOU LOOK VERY
RESPECTABLE.
I DON'T MEAN THAT BAD.
YOU HAVE A CARDIGAN ON.
>> YEAH, IT MATCHES.
AND MY NAILS -- WE WERE JUST
TALKING ABOUT SPEEDBALLS.
I NEVER DID ONE.
CRAIG: REALLY?
>> YEAH, YOU GOT ONE OVER ON ME.
CRAIG: I DID IT ONCE.
I WAS LIKE NO.
IT WAS LIKE, DID YOU EVER SEE
THAT MOVIE WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
"DR. DOOLITTLE"?
PUSH ME, PULL YOU, IT WAS AN
ANIMAL.
THE PUSH ME, PULL YOU WAS LIKE A
SPEEDBALL.
ONE IS TAKING YOU ONE WAY AND
THE OTHER IS TAKING YOU THE
OTHER WAY.
>> I SEE.
CRAIG: A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T
KNOW WHAT A SPEEDBALL IS AND FOR
LEGAL REASONS I'M NOT GOING TO
TELL YOU.
>> NEITHER ME NOR CRAIG ARE
GOING TO TELL YOU P.
FS AN ICE BREAKER.
CRAIG: YOU'RE FROM SAN
FRANCISCO, AREN'T YOU?
>> YEAH, BUT IT IS NOT AS DIRTY
AS GLASGOW CAN BE.
CRAIG: I DON'T KNOW.
IF YOU GO TO THE RIGHT PLACES,
IT CAN BE PRETTY DIRTY IN SAN
FRANCISCO.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
CRAIG: GLASGOW IS NICE.
DID YOU SPENT ANY TIME THERE?
>> I WENT TO THE FRINGE
FESTIVAL.
CRAIG: THAT WAS EDINBURGH.
>> I DID THIS ONE THING.
I CLINDE CLIMBED THE ONLY
MOUNTAIN THERE.
CRAIG: THERE IS MORE THAN ONE
MOUNTAIN.
THAT IS THE TALLEST ONE.
>> I WENT HALFWAY UP.
I WAS GOING HALFWAY UP IT.
I WAS DATING A RESPECTABLE ACTOR
WHO WE WANT TO YALE.
CRAIG: WHO?
>> EDWARD NORTON.
CRAIG: YOU DATED EDWARD NORTON?
>> ME AND EDWARD DATED FOR FOUR
YEARS!
I QUIT SMOKING.
I QUIT PILLS.
I QUIT EVERYTHING FOR MY
BOYFRIEND, DAMN IT!
I'M GOING TO MARRY EDWARD
HARRISON NORTON THE 7TH AND GO
TO CONNECTICUT AND RUB HIS
OSCARS OFF AND PUT MY TIARA --
AND SEVEN LIKE YOU KNOW WHO MRS.
NORTON USED TO BE?
THAT WAS THE PLAN.
I WAS NOT EVEN A QUARTER OF THE
WAY UP.
I HAD ONE CIGARETTE JUST IN
CASE.
I HEARD THIS HUGE SCREAMING
NOISE.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?
IT WAS OASIS PLAYING AT THE
BIGGEST ROCK FESTIVAL IN BRITISH
HISTORY.
WE WERE -- I WAS LIKE YOU KNOW
WHAT?
I WALKED OUT.
I WENT TO THE OASIS CONCERT.
CRAIG: GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> SO I MET YOU ONCE.
CRAIG: WE MET AT CARRIE FISHER'S
HOUSE ONCE.
>> I WAS GOING THROUGH BRITISH
COMEDIANS AT THE TIME.
YOU'RE SCOTTISH.
WERE YOU IN BETWEEN MARRIAGES?
CRAIG: I WAS ACTUALLY, YEAH.
I WAS BETWEEN MARRIAGES.
>> CARRIE KIND OF PURNED ME AND
HIT ON YOU REALLY HARD.
CRAIG: YOU DID, A LITTLE BIT.
I WAS A LITTLE SCARED.
A LITTLE BIT.
>> I LIVE JUST NEXT DOOR.
CRAIG: TO CARRIE?
>> YEAH.
THERE IS EVEN A PATH.
CRAIG: WE COULD HAVE JUST GONE
OVER THERE?
>> YOU WERE TOTALLY OFF --
CRAIG: I'VE BEEN SOBER SINCE --
21 YEARS.
>> MAYBE THERE WAS SOMETHING IN
MY BREATH AND YOU WERE LIKE TOO
MUCH TROUBLE.
CRAIG: YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]
>> IT IS JUST NOT TRUE!
IT IS A LIE!
SO LOW MAINTENANCE.
CRAIG: SO YOU'RE ON THE ROAD
THEN, HUH?
WITH THE BAND?
>> YOU'RE A SEXY BEAST.
CRAIG: YES, I AM!
YOU AIN'T SO UNSEXY YOURSELF.
>> I'M PLAYING LITTLE ROCK
SHOWS, CRAIG.
CRAIG: WHERE ARE YOU PLAYING?
>> LITTLE HOUSE OF BLUES ROCK
SHOWS.
I'M ON HERE TO KEEP MY TALENT
SHARP.
WE NEVER HAD A FIRST TIME.
I'M CHILLING.
I HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT AT
CHRISTMAS.
CRAIG: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY?
>> I CONDENSED.
CRAIG: ARE YOU GOING TO CHANGE
NAMES?
>> I HAVE MR. CAT AND MR. B.
HARPER'S WAS LIKE CAN'T YOU TALK
MORE ABOUT HER LESBIAN --
CRAIG: LESBIANS?
YOU HAVE LESBIANS?
>> OH, GOD, DON'T TURN INTO
HOWARD STERN ON ME.
CRAIG: HOWARD HAS AN ACADEMIC
INTEREST.
REALLY, DID YOU GO THROUGH A GAY
PERIOD IN YOUR LIFE?
>> NO, I JUST EXPERIMENTED WITH
A SUPER MODEL, BUT I'M NOT
SAYING WHO IT IS.
EVER!
EVER!
LISTEN.
CRAIG: PLEASE?
>> I WOULD NOT BE SAYING
ANYTHING.
YOU MIGHT HAVE COME HOME WITH ME
AND WE'RE JUST FAKING IT FOR ALL
OF AMERICA.
CRAIG: THAT'S POSSIBLE.
LUCKILY, THE INTERNET IS OVER SO
THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WORK
IT OUT.
>> THE WORLDWIDE INTERNET IS
DEAD.
WE KILLED IT!
CRAIG: YOU'RE ON THE TWITTER
AREN'T YOU?
AT COURTNEY?
>> YEAH, IT IS PRETTY SIMPLE.
I HAVE NO COMPETITION.
CRAIG: REALLY?
THERE IS A LOT OF GIRLS CALLED
COURTNEY.
A LOT OF THEM IN CONNECTICUT,
ACTUALLY.
>> POLISHING OSCARS.
WHAT A FATE THAT WOULD HAVE
BEEN.
CRAIG: NO, IT IS FINE.
DO YOU FIND AS YOU GET --
>> AS I AGE?
AS I GET OLD?
CRAIG: NO, NOT OLD.
AS YOU MATURE, DO YOU FIND
YOURSELF LES INTERESTED IN BEING
RESPECTFUL FOR OTHER PEOPLE?
>> NO, I LIKE BEING MORE
RESPECTFUL.
I GO FOR MORE RESPECTED MEN.
I'M OVER THE AVIATORS AND -- YOU
WERE WEARING LONG SLEEVES THAT
NIGHT, THOUGH.
CRAIG: YEAH, FOR MOST OF THE
NIGHT.
>> BUT NO, NO.
CRAIG: I ALWAYS KEEP MY JACKET
ON ANYWAY.
IT IS KIND OF A LITTLE PERVY
THING THAT I DO.
YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T REMEMBER
EVERYTHING, DO YOU?
>> IT IS THE TEQUILA.
YOU HAVE BEEN SOBER SINCE -- YOU
NO RIGHTS.
CARRIE SAID TO ME, HE IS REALLY
SMART.
CRAIG: REALLY SMART?
I THINK THAT WAS WHEN I WAS
YOUNGER.
IT IS ALL GONE.
>> HAS THE TV SHOW LIKE SUCKED
THE SOUL OUT OF YOU?
CRAIG: SUCKED IT ALL.
I GOT NOTHING YET.
>> BUT THERE IS NO INTERNET.
CRAIG: THANKFULLY THE INTERNET
IS OVER.
NO ONE WILL BE SAYING MEAN
THINGS ABOUT YOU OR ME TOMORROW.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
>> TO SELL THINGS?
[LAUGHTER]
CRAIG: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
LET'S DO A LIVE COMMERCIAL RIGHT
NOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SELL?
>> THIS INSANE SNAKE -- SORRY.
DID I --
CRAIG: SOMETIMES WHEN YOU GO
AFTER THE SNAKE TOO QUICKLY, IT
JUST SPLASHES ALL OVER.
[LAUGHTER]
WE'LL TAKE A BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.