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Once upon a time four lads were born in some town in some place. Unfortunately, I can't
remember much about them because of all these *** drugs. Hey, why are the walls melting?
Somewhere along the way, say, 1965-ish, John and Paul, the chief songwriters of the group
because they *** said so, decided to stop writing about cheating on their wives with
teenagers and started writing about more profound things, like nowhere men, paperback writers,
and yellow submarines. Around the same time, they discovered every drug in the world and
did them all. This began inspiring their works, such as George Harrison's legendary "We're
Going Streaking!" and John's charming "GET THESE ***' SPIDERS OFFA ME" and Paul's
more restrained "(garbled noises)." The spoiled white people of the Western World,
who weren't quite sure if the Beatles were bigger than Jesus but usually agreed on Moses,
decided to emulate their every move: starting bands of their own, growing their hair to
hobbit length, and most of all, substance abuse. This is when everyone started dressing
like an idiot and stopped showering in the name of "peace," which probably pissed people
off a whole lot more than war ever did. The Beatles were at the forefront of this
scene, though they claimed they didn't want to be; they just wanted to make a lot of money
off of it. They said stuff like that to be ironic and charming, but it was true as ***
and you know it. As drugs began expanding everyone's mind and
kidneys, suddenly the Beatles had a lot more competitors for "best rock band you've probably
heard of," like The Beach Boys, who could actually write a decent song when they weren't
blatantly ripping off every black musician who ever lived; and the Rolling Stones, who
were basically the Beatles, but darker, and fronted by a giant chicken. The Beatles had
to stay ahead of the curve, so they started "hanging out" with these "groovy" contemporaries
in these and other similar "far out" bands, in order to learn their next move and copy
it and get all the credit. Also, we're pretty sure John Lennon killed Brian Jones with a
crowbar. In 1966 the Beatles released Revolver, which
led to an increase in gun sales that shocked the typically anti-gun U.S.A. By this point
the band had changed immensely, subtly referencing drugs in songs like "Drugs," "Drugs II," and
"Tiny Dancer," which may have been by someone else, I can't remember. They also became more
musically adventurous in songs like "Tomorrow Never Knows," where they rip off The Chemical
Brothers in the worst way--by doing it first--and "Good Day Sunshine," a song that was destined
to be sold by Michael Jackson for use in Orange Juice commercials. There was another song
on this album about not wanting to pay taxes despite being rich as ***, which should have
pissed people off a whole lot more than the Jesus thing.
That same year, Lennon met a Japanese artist named Yoko Ono who had come to the States
after fleeing Godzilla. They immediately connected for their love of random things that kind
of seem like art, a movement known as "avant-garde" that's kind of interesting sometimes. But
if you don't care about that, she's the *** who broke up the band. But not really.