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Hello there, Some
of us seem to have
thick skin, now the
verdict is of course still
lie that whether these people
are quite literally un affected
by disapproval or whether there are just more than depression.
Wherever the case may be, some
of us o the other hand
have three skin, like a
bullet every disapproving thought, or
word, or action directed at
us by others penetrates us
right to our core, we're more than affected by it.
We feel destroyed by it,
we would love to be unaffected
by other peoples thoughts, and words,
and actions but let's face it, we're affected badly.
First things first, if you
really do care what other
people think telling yourself that
you shouldn't care or to
stop caring what other people think,
isn't actually going to cause you to stop caring.
And if you know somebody
who really cares what other people
think, Telling they shouldn't
care so much what people
think, isn't actually going
to stop them from caring what other people think.
Also there is a great many
people who tell you to stop letting other people say hurts you badly.
As if this is conscious choice.
I can assure you that if you
are the kind of person who really
care about what people say, if
you're hurt by what people say
you are not be able to
just consciously choose, to snap
your fingers [xx] about what people say or do doesn't hurt you.
In scientific experiment laboratory animals
like so conditioned using sugar pellets and electric shocks.
Sugar encouraged desired behavior electric
shock stops the animal from undesired behavior.
Humans are not so different rats,
in fact most of us were conditioned on the same race.
We were rewarded from for desired
behavior in the street and punished
for desirable behavior by for
example being yelled at which
produces a physical response to
the body which is almost like
denticles or an electric shock for
some of us there are big
consequences when the people
around us are really disprove of us.
Our boundaries are violated, they were
either hindered by any coming relations
such as thinking or insults or
shaming, or we are
heard by outgoing boundary violation
like time outs and parental
withdrawal I find
the people who have biggest issue
with caring what other people think,
were most often damaged by
outgoing boundary violations, they were
punished in ways that like the abandonment as children.
The message we learn through this
is, we did not deserve love if
we were not pleasing our parents
and everyone for that matter this
is a big issue when you remember
that love is survival for the
physical human especially when we
are relationally dependent on others like we are when we're children.
To our little minds disapproval meant death.
When we grow up it doesn't
change disapproval still means death.
It's a common thing people notice
that we really care what other
people think that they start
telling us to stop taking things so personally.
This is a minimization because
you can't simply stop taking things so personally.
So what I want to do is to explain why you take things so personally.
The reason is that when we
were very little and we
did something that was wrong or
bad, our parents treated
us as if we were bad.
It wasn't about the action,
we learned that really was about us.
Doing something wrong made us
wrong, doing something bad made us bad.
So now we have serious issues with
rejection, disapproval, and negative
criticism because our self esteem
was, and still is, essentially dependent on approval.
in Maslow's hierarchy of needs,
he states that the need for
love and approval is only secondary
to the need for shelter, food and water.
No disrespect to Maslow, but I actually disagree.
What I have noticed in my
own studies, is that
love and belonging is actually
the highest need that the physical human posses.
How do we know that this is the case?
Because when someone is faced
with loosing love or with not belonging.
They tend to neglect and
abandon their survival needs completely,
they start stop eating, they stop
drinking, and they even
go to the extent to commit suicide sometimes.
This suggests, that obviously
the need for blind in love,
there's an even higher need than our basic survival needs.
Any of you who have had
a particularly bad breakup, you know exactly what I mean.
Before we go further, we all need to ask ourselves a question.
Should I actually stop
caring what other people think.
The answer isn't as
beauty as it may seem and
I am not going to present to
you today the idea that I
have the right answer, rather I
want you to really ask yourself
that question and figure out
what your answer is, I have done this for my self.
The answer that I came to,
is no we shouldn't stop
caring about what other people think and this is why.
Try reversing the statements, I
shouldn't care what other
people think to I should care what other people think.
How is it true?
Also try reversing, I shouldn't
let what they say get
to me to I should let
what they say get to me, how is that true?
If we start caring what other
people think and stop caring what other people think of us.
We are meeting a distancing behavior
which is what disapproval is, with another distancing behavior.
We separate ourselves from each
other by not caring what each other thinks.
We also deprive ourselves with the we needed to see things from another perspective.
Therefore we deprive ourselves the
opportunity to see ourselves in different lights.
Self awareness will be much
more we stopped caring what other people thinks.
So the higher truth
is that we should care about what
every person thinks and feels in our reality.
We should not be bridge-lent
or defiant to what other people think, because that's just defense.
But there's a difference
between caring what other people
think, and living our entire
self concept right on what other people think.
That there is a real problem.
It's normal to feel happy and
good about ourself when we are
pleased and feel defensive
when insulted, but when
we tend find the insults spiled[sp?]
on us in the negative direction, what exactly is that we can do?
I'm going to present to you
ten steps to take if
you are the kind of person who fixed this bill.
Step one, ignorance that
you take everything personally, that you
cant can't take for the [xx],
that you can't care for about
what people think and you
have particularly low self esteem.
We have to admit where we are in order to live anywhere.
You would not believe how many
people are suppressing and
denying the fact that they
do have low self esteem that
they do care what other people
think, they can't take criticism,
and as long as we
are in the system where we are, we are not going to be moving forward.
Most of us spend our
lives trying to suppress and
deny the truth that we care what other people think.
Because we think that that truth is unacceptable.
After all and people don't think that way.
But ask yourself, why do I care what other people think?
Not one person exists that doesn't
care what other people think,
because everyone has at least
one person whose opinion seriously
matters to them.
Two, we need validation.
Most of us don't understand what validation really is.
We think that validation is some
sort of encouragement or praise,
when it actually isn't.
Validation is confirmation that
something is logically or factually sound.
Basically, to validate somebody is
to say that they're truthful and in their perception.
Validation is the recognition and
acceptance that your feelings and
thoughts are true and real
to you regardless of logic
or whether it makes sense to anyone else.
This develops a strong sense of self that is not dependent on other people.
when we're children, validation from our
parents helps us to feel
and express our emotions, develop a
secure sense of self, gain confidence,
feel more connected to our parents
and have better relationships in adulthood.
But parents who are concerned with
approval and disapproval, right and
wrong, punishment and reward,
are not concerned with validation.
So for those of us who are
demolished by what other people
think, our parents in
their lack of awareness, really did
do a lot of damage and
now it's up to us to validate ourselves.
and validating ourselves is just what the doctor ordered.
To validate yourself, you need
to acknowledge the truth
of your own internal experience.
We need to drop the idea of
whether that internal experience is right
or wrong because validation has
nothing to do with whether it's right or whether it's wrong.
For example, if we killed
someone, we're not validating
that it was right to kill someone.
What we're validating is that
we have good and sound reason
to feel like we wanted to kill someone.
There are two videos I
want you to watch in order
to start this process of validation within yourself.
The first, is the emotional wake up call.
The second, is your
mind friend or foe.
In the first video I put
forth step by step process,
which will help you address your emotions.
In the second video, I put
forth a step by step
process which is very similar,
which will help you to address your thoughts.
Apply this processes to yourself
and remember that there's always a
very valid, and real,
and reasonable reason why you
feel the way you feel, why
you think the thoughts that you
think, and why you are the way that you are.
On a side note, people who
have trouble feeling validated have resistance to disagreement.
Expect that you will hate it
when people don't agree truth, especially
when people don't agree with you,
it makes you feel invalidated, misunderstood, separated,
alone, and worst of
all like something is wrong with you.
Three, if we are
hurt by what someone thinks,
it means that there is already a sore there.
That sore, or that that
wound within us, is a
vibrational match to injury because it is an injury.
For this reason we continue to
attract people into our experience
that cause us injury.
Other peoples opinions are heating
up against a preexisting bruise.
this is unhealed wound from
childhood, and it
is the perfect opportunity to
find ways to heal ourself
and also after mitigation.
What want to do is to
work with our particular very strong
emotional reactions, we want
to work with those emotions that vibrate
created a frequency of the
lack of so forth, things like
intense shame, things like
modification, embarrassment, all of
these kinds of emotions are
the ones you want to pay
special attention to, because
using them as a
rope to access the original
wound which is way back
in your past is the
perfect opportunity to solve
the origins of the roots
of this issues in your adult life.
An when you do that Watch my
video on YouTube titled, How
To Heal The Emotional Body, apply
the process I put forth in
that video to heal and
integrate the real source of your poor self esteem.
Experience is in your past.
As we heal there are lessons
as long for others to hit and hurt.
There are less opportunities and reasons for us to react.
In other words, heal your wounds and it won't hurt.
for if you really care
of what other people think, then
chances are you live your
life in a state
of self criticism and hyper
perfectionism so that
you can create an existence where
no one else has any reason to disapprove of you.
We spend our lives trying to
avoid disapproval, that's why we're perfectionists in the first place.
The answer is, to stop
avoiding the thing we're trying to avoid.
Become okay with being disapproved
of.
Easier said than done, but if
we're no longer running away from
the demon, it can't keep chasing us.
We must develop a willingness to feel.
This is probably the most important part of this whole video.
Quite naturally, we're trying
desperately to get away from discomfort and pain.
We are living our lives trying to avoid it.
A life lived to avoid something is no life at all.
We have to stop trying to not
get hurt and instead unconditionally
sit with the feelings, that within
ourselves, including the feelings of being hurt.
Shift your attention from what
someone said or did, to how you feel.
It's no longer about avoiding disapproval,
it's about being able to
sit in and sit with
the feelings of disapproval as
those feelings arise as
sensations within my body.
What you will find is that you
absolutely have the capacity to
feel them, unbeliavably contrary
to our opinion, we aren't
actually going to get killed
by feeling these things.
They are not going to
do any damage, unless we're resisting them.
there is an unparalleled inner peace
that rises as a result
of knowing that you can trust
yourself to be able, and
willing to experience and feel anything.
Step 5.
Anything that increases your
self worth, or your self
esteem is going to
work to help you to stop
caring what other people think.
We need to stop letting it to throw you into a dangerous spiral.
Write a list of the
things that you approve of about yourself.
Now, what we don't
want you to do is to
involve anyone else's opinions in this particular process.
because let's face it.
Regardless of whether somebody else
is saying something good about you
or bad about you, our problem
is still that we're letting
what they say be the
basis of our entire self concept.
So what I want
you to do is to pretend
that you are a space alien.
From whatever distant galaxy you
want to pretend that you're
from.come down to planet
earth, and observe yourself
this earthling, insert your
name, and think about
what the space alien would
approve of about this particular earthling.
Pretend that this particular alien
can also see into this earthling's past.
You are not born in a
state of doubt about your own self worth.
No baby is born thinking that
it's unworthy of the milk
that it's drinking, or the cuddles that it's getting.
Nobody is born inertly doubting whether they can do something.
This is a learned behavior.
It's what happens when people start covering over your self worth.
For those of you that want a work on your self worth.
You can watch more YouTube video
titled; How Do I Discover Self Worth?
Step 6.
Find the positive intention, behind
why you take things personally,
why you care what other
people think, and why
you left while people think hurt you.
This may seem like an odd
request, because why would
anyone have a positive intention
for these things theyre so obviously
negative, but I can
assure you that if
you have any kind of
detrimental behaviour you are
continuing that detrimental behavior
because it is somehow serving you.
Don't take that to a place of self blame.
What do you get in all of it?
This is a very individual thing that
starts with the bring us
to consider that you're being
subconsciously getting one of
it's needs met, by doing
the thing that ultimately harms you.
For example, one person might find
that depending on what the other
people think keeps them included by others.
This person may feel that unless
they're involving other people and
their opinions in every process of
their life that they will
be all alone a good
way of finding out with a
positive intention is to find
out what bad thing you think
will happen or what bad
thing it would mean if you
take things so personally, didn't let
things hurt you weren't dependent
on what other people think and don't give your power away.
Seven, recognize how critically you are for the people.
Of course, when you're critical over the
people it's just a reflection
how critical you are of yourself.
But making an effort, to withdraw
that criticism and instead reach
toward an understanding of the
other person is an important
step toward loving ourselves
enough that we no longer
take what other people say
about us so personally so
as to spiral into an abyss.
A great many of us
become critical of others because
of the only way we can feel a sense of our own rightness.
We're drowning in the pain of self and self hatred.
Notice how you feel when you're being critical of others.
Are those feeling draining or empowering you?
Would you rather be right or happy.
All people, including us do
the things we do in order to meet a need.
That means that the story that
you've been telling yourself about how
or they, or you could or
should have done things better,
or the story that their actions
were a deliberate attempt to hurt,
sabotage or damage you, is fundamentally flawed.
They in due had no knowledge
of a better way of meeting their
needs, find out those
needs are, try to understand
then and even potentially meet those
needs for them or for yourself if you can.
On one level when you sense
disapproval or dissatisfaction, all
your sensingreally is a reflection
of your own disapproval and dissatisfaction with yourself.
Most of the time you have
no idea what the other
person is thinking so the
thoughts you attribute to the
mass speculation, they can only come from your own mind.
When someone disapproves of you
or is critical of you
about something ask how you
disapprove of that thing within yourself.
If you are feeling defensive, it means there is a wound to defend.
What wound are you trying
to defend, you will
often hear that what somebody
dose or says or
thinks about you is
never about you it's only ever about them.
I think this is a very good deflection strategy.
But a deflection strategy is
a defense strategy and as
far as I'm concerned if we're
completely dedicated to the path
of enlightenment or total awareness,
defense is not what we are aiming for.
So rather than saying that what
people do or say to you
is never about you it's about them.
Let's say that it's actually about both of you.
We want to understand both how
it relates to us and how
it relates to us and how it relates to them.
If we are able to take care
of ourselves though the emotional discomfort
we feel, we can open
up wide enough to see if
their is truth to what they're
saying about us, and we
can see if there already useful
is aspects to their criticism,
we can use it gain self awareness.
If you're interested in this concept,
watch my video in YouTube titled Projection.
The other thing you can do
however, is to put
yourself in the other person's shoes.
Try to figure out what they're
thinking and feeling and doing
and saying and wanting and
why they're doing those things
or saying those things or thinking those things.
How is what they are
thinking, saying or doing really about them?
A good technique is to change
why did he or she do
that or say that to
me to why did they do or say that to themselves.
Consider the person's insecurities, could
they feel threatened by you in some way?
Is this the way they treat all people?
Perhaps they like certain social
skills and feel that the
only way they will be heard
is by being rude or aggressive
or by bullying you to get their way.
Perhaps they feel that by
making you look bad they will
seem good and thus win other people's favor.
Imagine that an all people
for a reason in a child
that is acting out who
is not mature to the point
that they understand the best way is to meet their needs.
what is in a child or
in this person in need of
in trying to get in a
circumstance figure out
their needs in a situation as
well as their fear and hurt
if you figure those things their
actions will make sense and
you will see that their actions
weren't as much about you
or something that you did wrong as you think.
When someone is hating us
it's not about hate it's always about hurt and pain.
Hate is just a new
reaction that we make
on a vibrational level to get
ourselves away from pain and
hurt that we are feeling, we
don't want to use this as
a cop-out, to not
look at ourselves or to
not develop self awareness.
What we want to do
is to use this as a
way of understanding why people do
the things that they do as
a way of facilitating compassion morning,
if you are the kind person who is
easily hurt by what people
say or do practice the
art of letting the mud settle
when you walk into the lake
muddy bottom and you disturb
the mud, the water
becomes unclear, what you
have to do is to
get yourself into a space
of complete and utter stillness, so
the mud in the water will settle
and the water will become clear again.
Don't take immediate action if you've been hurt.
You've got to craw yourself through the hurt before you react.
You are prone to a knee-jerk
reactions which will really
hurt you even worse in the end.
When you're less emotionally charged, respond
in order to gain clarification and tell
them how their words or
actions are making you feel.
Seek to find a meeting of minds
if it becomes clear that
a person can't respect you and
insists on creating a situation over
and over again that's meant to
make you feel badly about yourself
personally attack you, devalue or
belittle you, or constantly
attempt to beat you, this
is abuse and you need to rethink the relationship.
regardless of whether this person is family or not.
Ten, meet your needs,
get your self in the habit
of and asking yourself, what do I need right now?
Especially when you have
been wounded by someone else we
tend to have this particular have
it, when we get
hurt by someone else or rejected
by them, we respond by
hurting ourselves worse, rejecting ourself
even more and disapproving even
more of ourselves, we add
salt to our own wounds
we immediately begin to deprive ourselves.
We [xx] our feelings because
we have been through about 2 things
the original incident and the
pain we are feeling about the
incident those of
us who feel bad when others
express favourable opinions don't
feel bad about things.
We need to do the things
for ourselves which make us
feel relieved on a
physical, emotional and mental level.
Perhaps we need to take
a walk to feel more or
eat to feel more grounded or
write a journal that we
can going and organisation within
our folks or gain more
clarity this is
like self validation in action.
You are not going to heal your
wounds or learn how to
validate yourself and stop being
negatively affected by what
other people think, with one
technique or with a magic pill.
Everything begins with the knowledge
that is valid and okay to
feel hurt because of what someone has said or done.
We cannot consciously control what
other people think, what they
say or what they do,
but we can absolutely, approach ourselves differently.
We can treat ourselves well.
We can decide to approach ourselves
differently, with the
task of taking care of
ourselves when we have been hurt by someone.
And if we choose
to approach this tasks of
approaching ourselves differently then what
we find is that windows wide
open to self healing
and to integration and as
soon as we pass through that
particular window the things
that other people say and do
woun't hurt us badly
no matter what they say
and do, our reactivity level will go down.
them it's no longer
going to be about caring what
other people will think because you
will care, but the
point is what people say,
do or think will make
you spiral in a downward direction.
Have a good week.