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ANCHOR: She's battled ivory poachers,
raging rivers, even tuberculosis...
and now Oscar-winner Rona Thorne
takes on the CIA and the KGB
in Dietrich Viener's
new thriller "Disavowed!"
RONA: Ohmigod it's going
to be amazing,
I play a spy
accused of being a double-agent
so she has to clear her name and I
read Dietrich's script and I was like,
lookit me,
I was like "waaaaagh!"
so it's just going to be amazing.
PAM: Oh my God,
she's amazing!
CHERYL/CAROL: Eh, I dunno...
PAM: That's because you're an
idiot...
GILLETTE: Who obviously never
saw "River's Rage."
CHERYL/CAROL: I saw it,
but I was just like "ehh."
PAM: Wh-? ! Are you nuts?!
That scene when her
baby gets swept away?!
GILLETTE: Bawled so hard they made me
leave the theater, never saw the ending.
CHERYL/CAROL: Well, they find
the baby...
GILLETTE: Aaah! Don't tell me!
CHERYLCH/CAROL: Dead.
GILLETTE: Dammit!
PAM: Yeah, jammed up
under a log...
Oh and that wet clingy shirt
she wears the whole time?!
Nippletooown!
RONA: Ohmigod
that river was so... Cold!
EVERYBODY: Waaaaagh!
RONA: Waaaaagh!
Why? ! Are we screaming?!
PAM: Do you know who you are?!
RONA: I dooo!
I do I do I do and I'm also supposed
to be meeting Malory Archer?
MALORY: Come in dear, come in...
And the rest of you, don't you
have something better to do
than stand around all day and...
shriek?
GILLETTE: No.
LANA: Noooope.
RONA: I'm sorry,
that sounded like no.
MALORY: Lana, she has to
research her role...
LANA: This isn't, whatever, the
sheriff's department
where you get to wear a windbreaker
and go on a ride-along.
This is highly-classified
covert ops...
RONA: Yes! Covert ops!
That's exactly the kind of
spy lingo I want to soak up!
LANA: What part of "highly-classified"
do you not understand?
RONA: All of it!
That's why I'm here doing
research, so you can teach me!
MALORY: Which she
will be happy to do.
LANA: Wait a minute.
What're you getting out of this?
MALORY: Wh-? Nothing!
Well, apart from a small
consideration from the studio...
LANA: Uh-huh.
MALORY: Which we're still
negotiating, but...
Who's your agent, by the way?
RONA: He's not taking new clients, and Lana
please, you have to have to have to help me.
LANA: No I don't don't don't,
and I'm not...
ARCHER: Not really qualified.
LANA: I'm sorry?
ARCHER: It's not your fault, Lana.
I on the other hand, am qualified,
since I happen to be the
world's greatest secret agent.
RONA: But... you're a man.
ARCHER: And then some.
LANA: So obviously he can't give you
a woman's perspective like I can,
so yes, I will be happy to help you.
ARCHER: Wh-?!
RONA: Ohmigod this is
gonna be amaaazing!
ARCHER: You're just doing this
to spite me!
LANA: And?
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
ARCHER: I should be teaching Rona
Thorne how to be a secret agent.
Not Lana.
"Woman's perspective."
I mean, I'm so obviously the best agent,
duh, how could she pick Lana over me?!
WOODHOUSE: The mind
fairly boggles.
ARCHER: Exactly!
Wait, was that sarcasm?
WOODHOUSE: No, sir.
ARCHER: Oh good.
Because your opinion matters.
And since you seem unclear on
the concept, that was sarcasm.
WOODHOUSE: Well played, sir.
ARCHER: Thank you.
Thank you.
LANA: But the minute this interferes with
my real assignments, we're finished.
RONA: Ohmigod totally yes, I mean I'm just
acting but your work is so, so vital!
LANA: Well... I mean no,
it is, but...
RONA: No! Don't do that,
I am so, lookit me, I am so.
Inspired by you!
LANA: I... really?
RONA: Ohmigod, you are like, the
epitome of an empowered woman,
and if I can bring even a tenth of your
strength and sexiness to my character?
Oh my God!
PAM: Yer kidding.
MALORY: And just exactly
what is so funny?
PAM: I... no, it's just...
CHERYL/CAROL: It's just kinda hard
to picture you as a young actress...
MALORY: For your information...
PAM: A young anything...
MALORY: My acting career,
shut up, was really taking off.
In fact, I was on my way to a
callback for a TV commercial,
doing the crossword on the 41 bus, and a man
leans over and says "If you like puzzles,
I may have a job for you,"
and guess who he was.
All: Wild Bill Donovan...
MALORY: Wild Bill Donovan,
head of the OSS!
Three weeks later I was in
Tunisia, killing a man.
But I always wondered, what if I
had gotten that commercial...?
CHERYL/CAROL: Guess that
Tunisian guy'd still be alive...
MALORY: He was German, and this character,
Gerald Martin, the CIA director,
why couldn't that
be Geraldine Martin?
No, that's awful, um...
ooh, Malory!
But not Martin, something like Steele,
because she's a very strong woman who...
Who will remember that
at bonus time!
And she's also having a torrid affair
with one of the sexy young agents...
Who's black.
RONA: Waaaagh!
Ohmigod that is amaaazing!
LANA: And that
was a lot better...
at least that time you fired
downrange.
RONA: And ohmigod seriously, I am so like,
like, really super sorry about that.
BRETT: Totally my fault.
RONA: Please go buy a new suit at
Bergdorf's and send the bill to my manager.
BRETT: Thanks, I will
take you up on that...
Right after I go to the hospital.
RONA: Ohmigod if I like, possessed
the capacity to be embarrassed?
LANA: Eh. I shouldn't have started
you off with a fully-auto.
Let's see what we have
in a semi-automatic...
ARCHER: Well, that's no good...
RONA: What's not?
ARCHER Your stance,
you're fighting yourself.
RONA: Excuse me?
ARCHER You're all rigid and stiff.
Which I'm all for, rimshot,
but not on the range.
You have to relax, let the weapon
be an extension of your body...
[ BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM ]
RONA: Oh my God...
ARCHER: Aw, I meant to make
a frowny face...
But hey, speaking of your body,
and my body, and stiffness...
[ BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM ]
ARCHER: What the hell, Lana?!
[ indiscernible ]
Oh, I bet that really hurt, didn't it?
ARCHER: What?
[ indiscernible ]
ARCHER: Yeah ha ha ha,
grown-ups,
keep moving your lips
without making any... any...
Maahp. Mah mah mahp. Maaaahp!
Excuse me.
LANA: Can you believe
I used to date him?
RONA: Yes.
LANA: And... wait, what?
RONA: And I bet he cheated on you just like
I bet every one of your boyfriends has,
going all the way back to...
Sorry, but I assume you were
just an insanely gawky teenager?
LANA: There was some mild
gawkiness, but...
RONA: Which you've never gotten over,
which is why, please don't hate me,
you're like, teeming
with insecurities...
LANA: Wh-? ! No I'm not!
RONA: When you totally shouldn't be!
You're gorgeous and smart and... ohmigod,
have you read "UnleasUnhing the Me"?!
By Reinhart Schmoll?!
You have to read it!
Take my copy, it'll
change your life and...
Oh! And you have to start keeping a
journal of...
Hey, where's my journal?
PAM: Umm... I maybe kinda
slightly... took it.
GILLETTE: Why why why,
would you do that?!
CHERYL/CAROL: Didja
think it was meat?
PAM: I... shut up... I just wanted, ya
know, to see what she's really like.
GILLETTE: Give me that!
Little Miss... Invasion of the
Privacy Snatchers!
PAM: Oh, come on!
Haven't you ever snooped on
somebody you thought was dreamy?
GILLETTE: No!
Well, except Randy Trexler, who turns out was
just leading me on to get out of the draft
so I made a phone call to the draft board, and
now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands?!
A *** trap blew his arms off.
They said it was in a coconut!
ARCHER: Mahp! Mmahp. Mmahp.
Hi, yeah, please!
Keep gawking at the deaf person!
CHERYL/CAROL: Deaf people
are gross.
PAM: Not as gross as
the hook-hand ones.
CHERYL/CAROL: Eh. I dunno.
ARCHER: Mahp. Maaahp.
KRIEGER: Yeah, quit doing that?
ARCHER: Mahp, what?
KRIEGER: Stop? Not helping?
ARCHER: Is that helping?
Frickin Lana,
even for her, this is over the line.
She is gonna wish
I was never born.
KRIEGER: Just gonna
softball it in like that?
ARCHER Mahp, what?
CYRIL: I'm sorry?
MALORY: I said come in here,
I need your help.
CYRIL: But I'm on my way
to a SexAnon meeting.
MALORY: Which is
exactly why I need you!
CYRIL: You... oh no,
please Ms. Archer,
MALORY: Don't flatter yourself!
I'm talking about this,
the script for "Disavowed"!
CYRIL: "Cut to Malory Steele, the fiftyish
and incredibly sexy CIA director..."
spy comedy?
MALORY: Wh-? No!
CYRIL: Because that has
been done.
MALORY: It's a taut,
sexy thriller!
Or it will be, if I can just get all the
taut, sexy bits in the right order.
CYRIL: Yikes yeah, you can't have a
flashback with a flash-forward in it,
MALORY: That's where you come in.
CYRIL: That's bad writing.
MALORY: Because I wangled a
call with the studio execs,
and I think I can sell them on
a rewrite, if you... fix it.
CYRIL: Well for starters, I don't
think you wanna say this guy is
"as coal black and thick-muscled
as a field hand."
MALORY: I don't need you for
content, just for plot structure!
CYRIL: But racist overtones aside, it
really kinda limits your casting options.
I mean, only two, three guys
could play that.
RONA: You just have to find the right guy,
who's not intimidated by your power.
LANA: Or my twin TEC-9's...
RONA: Or those big, steam-shovelly
scoops you call hands.
I'm kidding!
Look, lookit me, that's the gawky
six-foot teenager everybody cheats on,
not the embodiment of sexy empowered
womanhood that you've become!
LANA: Ya really think
I'm sexy and empowered?
RONA: Wh-? You're like a...
brown Boudicca!
Who I wrote an amazing poem about in...
Damn, I wish I could find my journal!
PAM: So then it's settled, we're a go
on Operation...What should we call it?
CHERYL/CAROL: *** Sledge.
GILLETTE: You wanna...?
PAM: No, but it's like sour milk,
ya just gotta take a whiff.
What's the story, neckbonenes?
CHERYLCH/CAROL: Sophomore year at my stupid
college I had a huge crush on the quarterback,
this super-hot guy named
*** Sledge...
PAM: Sploosh.
GILLETTE: Jinx.
CHERYL/CAROL:... but it was like
I was invisible,
he wouldn't even sign my cast
when I broke my own arm.
But I thought if I knew what he liked I'd have
an in, so one Saturday when he had a game
I broke into his dorm room to see what
kinda music he was into, or turtles,
or roll around in his clothes,
or whatever, but...
PAM: But you were so busy sniffin his
jock you didn't hear him come in...
CHERYL/CAROL: Because
he totally snuck up on me!
Then I guess I blacked out because I
don't remember stabbing him at all.
PAM: Wh-? ! Why'd you have
a knife?!
CHERYL/CAROL: I didn't!
It was a stupid pair of scissors,
and it was his fault for grabbing
me with his throwing hand!
That's how his tendon
got severed!
PAM: Holy shitsnacks.
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, they said
he could've gone pro.
GILLETTE: So, glossing over why
you broke your own arm...
CHERYL/CAROL: So he'd sign
my cast.
GILLETTE: What exactly
is your point?
CHERYL/CAROL: Duh.
Just break into Rona's apartment and
put her stupid journal somewhere.
PAM: Hey yeah!
GILLETTE: Nooope!
MALORY: Why not?
CYRIL: Because it's just not
believable that this guy...
who, also, can not be named
Cassius...
would risk his career
for a woman twice his age!
MALORY: So make her forty!
CYRIL: Yeah,
and who's gonna play her?!
MALORY: Wh-? Me!
That's the whole point!
CYRIL: You do realize there's a finite
supply of Vaseline in the universe!
MALORY: Type! Nerd.
ARCHER: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said
that, mahp, but I'm under a lot of stress.
BILBO: Oh oh, and we're not?!
Ya got any idea how
much I got on my plate?!
ARCHER: What, I coulda
crushed that!
Now c'mon, let me help.
Whatcha got?
DRONE: Well, we're picking up chatter
about a bomb threat in the Middle East...
ARCHER: Who cares?!
I'm talking local, guys!
ARCHER: Yes, yes!
See, this is...
Wow, singlespaced, wanna
broad-stroke it for me?
BILBO: Kolchenko, the new Soviet premier,
is scheduled to give a speech at the UN
in favor of strategic arms limitations
talks, but the hardliners in the KGB...
ARCHER: Who am I, Kissinger?!
Broad strokes!
BILBO: The KGB is gonna shoot this
prick as he walks into the UN.
ARCHER: And?
BILBO: And what?
ARCHER: Was that so hard?
Count Snackula?
GILLETTE: No, shut up, we go in, drop
the journal, and get out. No snooping.
PAM: Aw c'mon, I just wanna see if me and
her have any stuff in common, like...
CHERYL/CAROL: Tons of cockporn
laying around?
PAM: I don't have cockporn
just layin around!
But sometimes, ya know,
you forget it's in the VCR!
GILLETTE: How do you forget?
PAM: Ya rub one out, flip back to
regular TV, "Superstars" is on,
and all of a sudden here's Joe Frazier's dumb
*** drowning, and ya forget it's in there!
Until mom and dad come to visit to tell
ya she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.
GILLETTE: Why would you think
it's O.K. to share that?
ARCHER: Why are you idiots
in the armory?
And gimme those!
PAM: Hey, we're using those!
ARCHER: No you're not!
All this equipment is for
field operatives only.
Now beat it, ladies,
I'm on a mission.
CHERYL/CAROL: You're not
our supervisor!
PAM: And, shut up,
we're on a mission too!
CHERYL/CAROL: We're breaking into Rona's
apartment to hide the stupid journal Pam stole.
ARCHER: You're kidding.
PAM: No.
GILLETTE: Yes.
ARCHER: There's a sniper out there, whose
bullet could spark World War Three,
and you idiots are tying up ISIS
resources on high school ***?!
PAM: Yes.
GILLETTE: No.
ARCHER: Because I don't really see
a downside to that, Archer-wise.
Here, load up.
Should be a big box of grenades
around here somewhere.
CYRIL: Where? ! Tell me where Pinch
Two is supposed to go, and I'll...
MALORY: Act Two!
CYRIL: Act Two is wall-to-wall with this
love story you're making me shoehorn into...
MALORY: The forbidden love between Malory
and Cassius is central to the plot!
CYRIL: Oh for the... Why dontcha just make
it a shot-for-shot remake of Mandingo!
ARCHER: Hate to interrupt, but
I'm off on a dangerous mission!
CYRIL: That's what people
wanna see!
Not "Granny Gets Jungle Fever."
MALORY: Get out!
ARCHER: But even though it's super-dangerous,
I'm preventing World War Three, so...
LANA: Wait, what?!
ARCHER: Hm? Nothing,
no big deal, excuse me. Excuse me.
LANA: Nooope.
RONA: Ohmigod strong and sexy, amaazing!
ARCHER: Will you shut up?!
And if you don't mind, I have to stop KGB
snipers from assassinating the Soviet premier
as he enters the UN.
MALORY: Now there's a Pinch Two!
CYRIL: Yeah, that's pretty good...
LANA: You're not
taking this mission.
You never qualified
as a countersniper!
ARCHER: I... would have!
[ Alarm clock beeping ]
ARCHER: Ya know,
if I'd gone to the... thing.
LANA: Yeah, well, if your aunt
had balls she'd be your uncle.
ARCHER: What?
CYRIL: There's your Pinch Two!
LANA: So I'll just be
taking these...
RONA: And me!
LANA: Nooope!
RONA: Lana, please this
is perfect for my role!
You have to have to have to!
LANA: No, this is the real
thing, Rona.
ARCHER: Which is why
it's a job for a man.
LANA: Which is why shut up because I, and
Rona, am and are taking the mission!
RONA: Ohmigod,
this is gonna be...
ARCHER: Don't! Say it!
I swear to God!
RONA: (whispers) Amaaazing.
RONA: Isn't this amazing?
LANA: Not really, no.
Actually kinda wish I'd let
Archer take this one...
RONA: But we're like, keeping the
world free for democracy or whatever!
LANA: Not if I can't take out the KGB
sniper team, God knows where they are...
LANA: There's about a bajillion
hide-sites around here...
ARCHER: And a hidden transmitter
in your rifle scope.
You dumb idiot?
MALORY: I'm sorry?
STUDIO EXEC: You should be!
Look, I took this call as
a courtesy to Rona, okay?
Which now I'm regretting, because
what kinda facacta *** is this?!
"Disavowed" is a spy thriller!
MALORY: Well, which is why we
want to change the title, to...
STUDIO EXEC: To what,
"Mandingo Two"?!
Wait, hang on, hang on, Jeannie?!
Anybody doing a
"Mandingo" sequel?!
When can you get me a treatment?
MALORY: I, I...
CYRIL: Two weeks.
STUDIO EXEC: Ya got a week, we're calling
it "Mandingo Two, The Enslavening!"
MALORY: Well, Cyril? We did it.
CYRIL: Yeah we kinda did,
didn't we?
MALORY: A taut, sexy thriller...
Oh yes, take me!
Take me, Cassius!
RONA: Ohmigod Lana,
you seem really tense.
You know what I do
when I'm tense?
ARCHER: No, but I bet
you're gonna tell us...
RONA: Kelp tape!
ARCHER: What?
It's amazing, these like, kung-fu
monks make this fifty-foot tape,
like a cloth measuring tape but it's kelp,
and you swallow it over like three days
then you start to, ya know,
pass it,
then you just slowly slowly pull it
out of you over three more days...
LANA: Wait, what?
RONA: And it pulls all the toxins out of
your body and you just feel so clean!
ARCHER: Yeah? While you're tangled up
in a half-mile of ***-covered tape?
Frickin actresses.
Okay, time for a little
tension-relief of my own...
RONA: And you know what else is
great, colonics...
LANA: Will you shut up, I gotta window opening
up at... dammit, there's another one!
RONA: This is so exciiiiting!
LANA: And another one, ***,
and another!
ARCHER: But that's not all!
If you order now,
you'll also receive...
RONA: No way!
LANA: Yup. He's down.
Kreigerbot: But not forgotten.
ARCHER: Come, Kreigerbots!
Avenge your fallen comrade!
What voice is that?
Is that from ***?
LANA: Dammit,
they're everywhere!
LANA: There's too many,
I can't...
RONA: Lemme help,
tell me how to help!
LANA: Shut up and grab that spotter
scope, and tell me where they are!
RONA: Okay, there's a nice
way to do that.
LANA: Will you just...?!
RONA: Okay, there's a, wait, no that's
a... ohmigod I can see my penthouse!
LANA: Well unless there's
a sniper in it...
RONA: Well somebody's in it!
Who the [BEEP] is in my
[BEEP] penthouse?!
GILLETTE: We are!
We're complying,
COP: You! Get yer
frickin hands up!
CHERYL/CAROL: You're not
my supervisor!
PAM: Shut up,
we're gonna go to prison!
CHERYL/CAROL: No we're not,
just say the right stuff
and they just send you
to a mental hospital for ten months.
GILLETTE: I just this second realized
why you do macramé instead of knitting.
CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, no
sharp objects on the ward.
They were super
strict about that.
COP: She's got a weapon,
drop it, drop it!
CHERYL/CAROL: You're
not my supervisor!!
PAM: God Damn him!
I told him no parties!
Gimme it, gimme!
LANA: Hey, what the ***?! Rona, stop!
This is a serious... ow!...
situation.
RONA: I know and ohmigod
I am so sorry!
Please please please
don't hate me!
LANA: Unghh... what's wrong
with me...?
RONA: It's tetrodoxin,
from the fugu fish.
LANA: Whuh?!
ARCHER: Yeah, what?!
RONA: I'm a Russian sleeper, silly!
ARCHER: Jesus Lana, how did
you not see that?!
LANA: [ indiscernible ]
Oh, I never got to tell this.
RONA: Well, my parents were
sleepers in L.A.
- still are, love them - and we were
encouraged to, ya know, blend,
and so I ended up
being an actress.
LANA: [ indiscernible ]
RONA: Ohmigod I know, but the lengths
they go to, lookit me, you have no idea.
BORIS: Is my new favorite device
of ever.
I mean it, with the scnhozz and the
combover yer a dead ringer for Karl Malden!
C'mon, buddy...
LANA: [ indiscernible ]
RONA: Lana hush.
If you sit quietly, the poison should
wear off in like, four hours...
But if you struggle,
your heart could...
ARCHER: Freeze!
Wait, where'd she... oww! ***!
RONA: And we wouldn't want that.
ARCHER: Ammit!
LANA: [ indiscernible ]
ARCHER: [ indiscernible ]
RONA: Ohmigod there's
Kolchenko's motorcade!
This'd be such an amazing
finish for "Disavowed!"
So bummed I won't be able
to work on it now...
Ohmigod, on anything!
Ohmigod, I won't be famous
anymore!
ARCHER: [ indiscernible ]
RONA: Not in the good way!
RONA: Ohmigod, and the money?!
Last year I took home almost
two hundred grand...
RONA: In gift bags.
LANA: Oh.
ARCHER: Oh.
RONA: Ya think?!
Now some old guys in some
country I've never even been to
expect me to throw all that away for
some lame, whatever, ideology?!
LANA: So on't oo it!
RONA: I know, right?
Is that crazy?!
LANA: Ess!
RONA: But if I do...
there's some amazing stuff
happening in Soviet cinema...
And they promised me
I could direct.
LANA: Uh-uhhh...
RONA: Yeah. Kolchenko's down...
that is so gross!
ARCHER: [ indiscernible ]
RONA: Kelp tape!
And Lana, promise me you'll
try it, especially after this.
It reeally pulls the toxins out.
Oh, and please read "The Unleashing
Of Me" and please please please
don't beat yourself up over this!
You are a sexy, empowered woman!
LANA: Mm.
RONA: And speaking of, wish me
luck on my directing career!
Which is gonna be...
LANA: M-mm!
ARCHER: Own say it!
RONA: Amaaaazing! I'm out!
ARCHER: Ow long ee say
iss suff lass?
LANA: Or ours.
O muh...
er gehing off on iss!
ARCHER: Ann?
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