Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
Edna
do you know, uh,
where my receipts are?
¿Que?
Receipts.
The little slips
of paper you get
when you buy things
in a store?
¿Que?
Receipts.
You know, you need 'em
for when you file your taxes.
Taxes
Yeah.
You funny, Mr. Eli.
Taxes
Dad, what were you
doing in there?
Short-track
speed-skating.
What do you think
I was doing?
Hey
where did you
get that?
From one of those
boxes upstairs.
Don't worry, you
got tons of these.
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
This is Freedom League
number 21.
Ooh, it is?
Yes.
This is the first team-up
between the Golden Age
Freedom League
and the Silver Age Freedom
Society of Earth Beta.
Do you have any idea
how much this is worth?
Four years of
high school virginity.
Dad, you cannot bring my comic
books into the bathroom, okay?
They mean a lot to me.
More than I mean to you?
Look, the point is,
if you're going to live here,
you have to
respect my things.
Well, you've got to
respect my things, buddy.
Buddy?
I blanked on your name
for a minute.
Sorry, Chief.
Daddy took me to the zoo
Na, na, na, na
Just to see
something brand-new
Na, na, na
So many stars up in the sky
So many questions have I
Na, na, na, na
Daddy took me for a ride.
Um, Warner,
I'm not sure about
some of these
write-offs.
Uh, what's this receipt
for a $600 suit?
That was, uh, a business meeting
with a potential investor.
Did he invest?
No, but he, uh
he said "nice suit."
Well, why would a suit
for you cost that much?
You have the body of
a Price is Right microphone.
I'm not that skinny.
Oh, come on, son.
You were so skinny
your mother didn't know
she was in labor.
She just got up off
the couch and there you were.
Thank God for
plastic slipcovers.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
I had to get all my comics
out of my apartment
and put 'em in a storage unit.
Why would you do that?
I caught my dad
coming out of
the bathroom
reading Freedom League 21.
Wait, that's the first crossover
between the Silver Age
Freedom League
and the Golden Age Freedom Society
Golden Age Freedom Society, yeah.
You had to get them out of there.
Of course.
You know who'd love working here
is a schoolyard bully.
I love those comics. Yeah.
What I would do
to that collection
if I got my hands on it
Hey, hey, easy.
The first hour,
I'd spread it out
and just stare at it
like a psychopath.
And then I'd
slowly start reading it
and reading it,
and I'd read it harder
front to back,
back to front
up against a wall.
No way.
You'd-you'd read it
in two minutes,
apologize, and
just fall asleep.
You're right.
He used to fall asleep
on the couch with his comics
while his mother and I
watched The Cosby Show.
You and your wife watch
a lot of TV together?
Yeah, she told me
she was leaving me
while the Huxtables flushed
Rudy's goldfish down the toilet.
Hey, Warner,
you had a comic book
collection, too?
Yeah, I had
I had quite the collection.
I had 3,752.
What happened to it?
No.
I swapped them.
Remember, those Indians gave us
all those blankets?
We got so sick?
I tried to go back
to the trading post
to reverse the deal,
and it was nothing but
an empty parking lot
and nobody had any idea
what I was talking about.
Of course, at that point,
I was living on Reggie bars
and angel dust.
The kids
are asleep.
Oh, thanks, honey.
What are you wearing?
Oh, I thought I'd just slip into
something a little
more comfortable.
Those are my pants.
Read the label.
"Abigail Landress."
The zipper's on
the hip, there, buddy.
Just like 007.
Okay, well,
why don't you just
take your jeans out of
the laundry basket
and we'll never
speak of this again.
Yep.
Whoa.
Camila, introduce me
to your friend.
Oh
Hi, son.
I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm just a sucker
for a Landress backside.
Here, these are for you.
What do you
got there?
Well, take a look.
Oh, my God, Dad,
these are filled with comics.
Mm-hmm.
Look at this.
X-Men
Yep.
Superman
The head cheese.
Batman and Robin
Top and bottom.
Okay, now you're starting to
suck all the fun out of it.
Oh, that's a job for Robin.
Yeah, I just felt so bad
that I swapped your comics
with those people who
might be ghosts, and, uh
I decided to get you
some new ones.
Dad
this is amazing!
Thank you.
Wh-Where did you
get these?
I computered 'em.
Turns out there is
this guy named Craig
who has this list of
all sorts of stuff
that he sells.
From comics to
to old furniture, to cars
Yeah.
And I think he may be
some kind of ***.
$4,000 for a home
security system?
That's totally a write-off.
I have all kinds of valuable
company assets at home.
Like what?
Like me.
Yeah, ever since he saw Taken,
he's been worried
someone's gonna
drag him out from under his bed
and sell him into
*** slavery.
Ever since I saw Taken 2,
I've been worried that
it was gonna happen again.
So, are you loving your comics?
Oh, my God, they're so good.
Yeah.
I mean,
I can't wait to show you.
I-I they're as good as yours.
Okay, come on.
I mean
slow down there, Tex.
What?
Your dad buys
some cheapo collection
off the Internet
and it's as good as mine?
Come on.
That is some pretty bold talk,
there, fella.
Oh, it's not just talk, partner.
Oh! Oh, is that right?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'll tell you what
you show me yours,
I'll show you mine.
Wow, this is what it
must've been like
in the Old Gay West.
So we get all my X-Men
from the '70s,
and I'll get all
my Fantastic Fours
Ugh, storage units
creep me out.
Why?
Our whole family lived
in one till I was four.
Well, as long as you were happy.
I wasn't.
Gosh, I'm so glad I don't
come from other places.
My comics are gone!
Quiet down!
Yeah!
People trying to sleep!
Now
were you storing
anything else
besides your cartoons?
Uh, they're comic books.
What did I say?
Oh, you called them cartoons.
God!
I hope they don't take
my badge away for that.
How about you, miss?
Are you his
No.
Good for you.
Now, aside from
your cartoons,
you say you're missing
several Star Trek lasers?
Uh phasers.
What's the difference?
Well, a laser is
a focused beam of light,
whereas a phaser is
a directed-energy weapon.
Mm-hmm.
Well, are you gonna
get a forensics team down here
and fingerprint everything
and then get some DNA samples?
Oh, sure.
The Bones lady is
on her way over.
It sounds like
you're being sarcastic.
Not at all.
Well, great. Good.
How so how long until you
track down these criminals?
Well, once we get
the Bat-Signal in the sky,
things move along
pretty quickly.
See, that
sounds like you're
being sarcastic again.
But it's not.
This is all
your fault!
Is it me or does he say that
every time he walks in here?
Don't talk to me
like we friends.
All of my comics are gone!
All of them
are gone!
Stolen from the storage unit
that I had to put them in
to keep them from you!
Well, like
I always say,
never put anything
anywhere.
Dad, those comics were
the one happy memory
I had from childhood.
But you had to move in here
and make sure that
even that was ruined, too.
Ask Elizabeth Smart
about her childhood.
See what she says.
Mijo
I bring for you
because you lose
your Mickey Mice books.
Is Xbox of Mexico.
So they were just gone? Mm-hmm.
God, Eli must be crushed.
Yeah.
He cried.
He did?
Yeah.
The first two minutes
were kind of cute,
Then he got that
snot bubble thing
Oh, my God, Eli.
I-I can't believe it.
How are you dealing?
I'm day to day.
You know, I never really
cared about crime
until it happened to me.
Well, you-you know,
you're welcome to read my comics
until they find yours.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
Okay.
Wow, you got a lot.
Yeah.
That's a big box.
Oh. This is pretty good. Yeah.
Oh, I had this one.
And this one.
And this one
and this one
and this one.
Warner
I think these might
be my comics.
Wait, wait.
My dad snuck into your storage
space and stole your comics?
I don't
He can't even get through
a revolving door
without help from somebody.
Dad
Yeah?
what was the name
of the guy
you bought these
from online?
Oh, that was SlobberSausageNine@
lipsmacking.gov
Yeah, he had those
in his trunk,
along with cartons
of cigarettes and sneakers.
In fact,
he sold me these.
Adidos.
Maybe they do belong to you.
Thank you.
Okay,
if you are 100% sure
that these are yours
I-I can't take them.
I mean, they're
Well, I mean, I'm not 100%.
They're in a different box
and they're out of order, so
Well, I can't take them
if you're pretty sure
they're yours, so
Oh, well
I'm not
No, no, no, you don't.
This is Jenna Lacy
all over again.
Jenna Lacy? What does she have
to do with this?
Oh, you don't remember?
Well, I wanted to ask her out,
but I thought that you might
like her,
and so I said,
"Hey, dude, are you
gonna ask her out?"
And you were like,
"No, I don't even like her."
And so I asked her out,
and it turned out
you did like her,
and then you were all, like,
"Hey, I liked her.
Why you asking her out?"
Okay, I'm not gonna take 'em.
Just take 'em.
No, no, I'm not gonna take 'em.
No, I'm not gonna take 'em.
Look, Warner, we've been friends
for 25 years.
I want you to have them.
No, I can't do that.
I'm not gonna take 'em.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
No, don't. No.
Take it. Take it.
Take these.
Take these.
I hope you didn't handle
Jenna Lacy's box that way.
I'll take 'em. If it'll make
you happy, I'll take 'em.
I have those pants.
I can't believe
he took them.
Well, he did offer
them to you.
Like I always say,
always take everything.
Yeah, well, at least
I didn't learn the difference
between right and wrong
from you.
Oh, yeah? Who'd you learn
it from, Superman?
Yes. And Batman.
And Wonder Woman.
And Aquaman taught me
how to swim,
which is why I cannot swim.
You can't swim?
Boy, your mother really dropped
the ball on that one.
Well, she was busy working
because you weren't around!
God! At least my comic books
were there for me!
At least I could swim!
What?
Okay, I'm a bad father
And so he had to fill the void
I left in his life
with comic books?
What am I supposed
to do about it?
Go to Warner's
and steal them back?
Well, if you'd shut up
for five seconds,
we could get out of here.
Oh, boy,
Warner's got some
fancy security system.
It's okay, I have password.
Is a good night to die.
Edna, we're just getting
the comic books.
We see how it goes.
Psst!
What are you doing?!
Sorry. Habit!
Edna, let's go upstairs.
All right, we got 'em.
Let's go.
He has more.
All right, all right.
Uh!
You do it wrong!
Estúpido, move!
Andale!
Mama
Buenas noches, niño.
Crawford?
Anyone down here?
Whew! Got it.
Okay, so walk me through
the sequence of events again.
Okay, I heard a noise,
I noticed my comics were gone,
I ran downstairs.
It smelled really bad
right here.
I ran outside and noticed
that the security
system's wires were cut.
Hey.
Hey.
I got your message.
Yeah.
Wait a minute. I know you.
I threw your file away
yesterday.
I can't believe somebody broke
in here and stole my comics.
Well, okay, I don't-I don't mean
to be awkward,
but-but you gave 'em to me.
They're-They're my comics.
Well, I mean,
you took them, yes,
but I think we both know
that they are still mine.
Wait a minute.
I think I'm starting
to figure this out.
My comics were the only thing
that were missing, and you
are the only person
that knew they were here.
You stole my comics.
You stole my comics!
Thief!
Arrest him!
No, you are the one
that purchased stolen goods.
So arrest him!
I don't know.
He asked first.
That's usually how
I decide who to arrest.
I bet if we go over
to your apartment right now,
you'll see the comics
right there.
Oh, you do?
Yeah.
How about that?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's great.
Be my guest.
Okay. Aa!
Here we go.
Uh!
You know, uh
that Morgan Freeman is
really terrific, isn't he?
I swear to God, I have no idea
how these got here.
Wait, wait, wait.
He-He-He didn't steal
this nonsense.
We did.
What?
You two care to explain
yourselves?
She farted!
Honey, that-that was you
on the landing?
I, just, I never farted
in front of you before
because I just wanted you
to keep thinking I was perfect.
Well, that's over.
I'm sorry.
I, I never realized how much
you sacrifice for me.
Don't squeeze her
too hard.
Now that the Farty Boys have
solved the case
of the mysterious smell,
can we get back
to the matter at hand?
Whose comics are these?
All right, they're his.
They're ours.
Really?
Yeah. Yeah.
Officer, I'm not gonna press
charges.
That was never
an option for you.
Dad, you stole these for me.
I don't know what to say.
I do.
I didn't realize these
ridiculous men in tights
meant so much to you.
I can see now
why you looked to them
for some kind
of support.
So now that I'm here,
maybe you'll think differently.
I'm sorry, son.
Uh,
it's, like, the first time
I've heard you call me "son".
You blanked on my name again,
didn't you?
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Ma'am, stop right there.
I'm gonna walk ahead of you.