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FEMALE SPEAKER: Hello.
Can everybody hear me comfortably on the sides?
Perfect.
DICCON BEWES: Can everyone hear me?
FEMALE SPEAKER: That's more important.
[INAUDIBLE].
No one responded to you.
DICCON BEWES: OK.
Ignoring me already.
FEMALE SPEAKER: So thank you for joining us for Zurich's
first Authors@Google event.
What?
AUDIENCE: I heard there was something [INAUDIBLE].
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, I'm sorry.
AUDIENCE: Maybe [INAUDIBLE].
FEMALE SPEAKER: Thank you for joining us for my first
Authors@Google event in Zurich.
Tonight, we welcome Diccon Bewes, who will be chatting
about his experience of life in Switzerland as an expat.
Diccon has been living in Switzerland for eight years
and has written three books in that time about the culture
that we live in.
He has a history in writing and books, having been a
travel writer for 10 years in the UK before his move,
followed by five years of managing the
English bookshop in Bern.
Tonight, he'll be sharing from his bestselling book, "Swiss
Watching," which was a "Financial
Times" Book of the Year.
Please join me in a warm welcome for Diccon Bewes.
[APPLAUSE]
DICCON BEWES: Thank you very much.
Thank you for inviting me.
It's great to be here.
My first time at Google, although, of course, I use
Google an awful lot.
The books wouldn't exist without it, although I do do
real research, as well, in a library, not just online.
I am an author and a bookseller, so I like real
books as well.
Today, I'm going to talk about what it feels like
for me to live here.
I've been here eight years.
I didn't speak German when I arrived, and I
knew some Swiss people.
My boyfriend is Swiss.
But I was kind of thrown in at the deep end.
And I'd like to talk about what it feels like to be
living in the land of milk and money.
So that's just a bit about me to show you there is a reason
why I am here.
And I'd like to start by talking about this made up
word called "Swissness." It's a word the Swiss invented to
describe how they feel about themselves.
It looks like an English word, and you can kind of guess the
meaning if you're an English speaker.
But it doesn't really exist.
It's a bit like another Swissness word, "wellness,"
which isn't the opposite of illness.
It's actually a nice thing.
It's you go to a spa for a weekend.
But if you say "wellness" in England, most people won't
know what you mean.
And wellness in America is something medical, definitely
not something enjoyable.
So I'd like to take each letter of Swissness to try and
explain what it means to me.
So the first S is for shells, which might seem a bit
strange, given that we're a long way from the sea.
In the book, I call Switzerland the landlocked
island because it has this island mentality, being in the
center of Europe, but not really part of it.
But this is a very special sort of shell, and
I brought one along.
Now, you all think this is a coconut, but it's not.
It looks like a coconut, I know.
And it feels like a coconut.
But it is, in fact, a Swiss person.
And that doesn't mean that I'm saying all Swiss people are
small, brown, and hairy--
although some are, I'm sure--
or that you want to throw things at them all the time.
It means that they have a very hard outer shell.
So it's quite hard to get to know a Swiss
person easily or properly.
And it's because the hard outer shell protects their
private sphere.
So in Switzerland, it's very normal to
separate public from private.
And when you arrive here, as an English speaker especially,
the coconut can feel a little bit cold, a little bit
unfriendly, a little bit distant.
But what it actually is is respecting your privacy,
respecting your private sphere, and taking time to get
to know you, taking time to let you into their shell.
Now, sometimes it can happen quite quickly, especially if
you're dealing with a Swiss person who's
lived abroad, for instance.
But other times, it can happen very, very slowly, because
once a Swiss person calls you their
friend, it means something.
A friend here is a friend for life, not
just a friend on Facebook.
It actually means something.
So they take their time to call you a friend.
So for example, I go swimming two, three times a week at an
indoor pool in Bern.
And if you go the same time, same day, over and over again,
you see the same faces.
And if you're an ignorant foreigner, you say hello to
these people you don't know, because you
recognize their faces.
And then about three years later, they say hello back.
English-speaking societies--
and this isn't my idea.
It's been around for a long time.
The classifying of societies as coconuts, or
English-speaking societies are peaches, typically.
And that's the soft outer flesh.
It's quite easy to get toknow someone.
You can be chatting to someone at a bus stop, and you've
swapped mobile phone numbers by the end.
The outer flesh--
every stranger is a potential friend, rather than a
potential enemy, not to be let in.
But it can feel a bit superficial.
It can feel like you go straight through to the flesh,
and you don't really know anyone.
And it's the hard inner core which is really the bit that
is protected.
So your very close family.
So it's the reverse of a coconut.
And the trouble with being a peach in the land of coconuts
is you can get very bruised a lot of the time.
And so I get a lot of emails from expats living here
saying, now I understand why my neighbors are polite, but
in three years, they've never invited me around
for a cup of coffee.
It's not that they're unfriendly.
It's just they're very formal and a little bit distant.
So it's all about respecting boundaries.
W is for weather.
British people love to talk about the weather.
It's our main topic of conversation.
When all else fails, talk about the weather.
In Switzerland, it's not such a great opener with people you
don't know.
In private, the weather is a topic.
But using the weather to start a conversation or to get to
know someone is kind of illogical for Swiss people,
because it's not really worth talking about.
This is a typical British-Swiss weather
conversation.
I would come in from outside and say, oh, it's cold out
there today.
And the Swiss person would say, well, it's winter.
And that's because for me, that's the start.
I'd say, I know, but did you see, it's going to be 19
degrees at the weekend, or it was even worse
this time last year.
It was minus 30.
And then we would have a conversation about the
weather, and it lead to other things, even if I didn't know
that person.
Whereas for the Swiss person, I've stated the obvious.
It's cold.
So therefore, they state the obvious.
It's winter.
And that's actually the end of the conversation.
It's not the start of the conversation.
So it can feel like getting through this coconut shell
with small talk is like banging your head against a
brick wall.
And mainly because small talk here is about this big.
And it's partly to do with a lot of small-talk topics are
too invasive of someone's shell.
So you don't ask someone's marital status.
You don't ask if they have children.
You certainly don't talk about the price of your house, all
of which are perfectly normal topics of
conversation in Britain.
Partly, here, because almost everyone rents, but partly
because it's much too personal.
And to become too personal too quickly is to invade someone's
private sphere.
So you have to remember, it's not being unfriendly.
It's just getting to know you in a Swiss fashion, which
takes a little bit longer.
Baby steps.
The small talk needs baby steps.
And the most important thing is remember the humor is a
private thing, generally, in Switzerland.
It's a bit like sex and money.
It doesn't appear in public very often.
You can tell jokes with your friends.
You can tell jokes with your family.
But in a business environment, especially with people you
don't know, then it implies that you're not taking that
meeting seriously.
If you start the meeting with a joke or a funny story about
something that happened on your way to the meeting, then
very often, a lot of the Swiss people will look at you and
thinking, well, are you here for business or pleasure?
Because you're not respecting the boundaries.
So be very careful about using humor.
Of course, if you're a foreigner, you get away with
an awful lot.
They just think, oh, foreigner.
And so you can tell jokes, and people will laugh politely.
But it only goes so far.
And of course, the weather in Switzerland is
worth talking about.
It has great extremes.
Plus 41 is the highest temperature.
Minus 41 is the lowest temperature.
So it is often worth talking about.
I is for introductions.
Very important in Switzerland, because in almost any
situation, social or business but especially social, you
don't do what I did when I went to my first dinner party
here in Switzerland.
I didn't really know anyone.
I knew my boyfriend.
I knew the hosts.
There were about 30 people there already.
So I did what any normal English person would do in
that situation.
I went and hid in the corner and waited for the host to
take me around and introduce me or for someone who I
vaguely recognized to come over.
What I certainly would never do is go up to someone with my
hand out and say, hi, I'm Diccon.
For me, as an English person, that's very
American, very forward.
Hi, I'm Diccon.
I'm your waiter this evening.
But for Swiss people, who are actually quite reserved,
sitting in their little coconut shells, one of the few
times they come out willingly is when
they arrive at a party.
The first thing you're supposed to do is go around
and greet everyone who's already there.
It takes some time.
And literally, the first thing you do, before
you even have a drink.
So it can be that if there were more than 30 people
there, half an hour later, you've just about made it
around the room, and you're gasping.
And you're just like, please, someone get me a drink.
But it's very important, because even if you never
speak to that person the rest of the evening, you have done
the polite thing and introduced yourself.
And of course, if you know the person, then you can spend a
couple minutes chatting.
But you both know that at some point, you have to move on,
and you will have to come back.
So it's not impolite to then say, I'm sorry, off and off
you go doing the round.
The hard thing is leaving, because when you leave, you're
supposed to go around and say goodbye and remember
everyone's name.
And for me, that's very difficult.
Very often, I'm the only foreigner in the room.
I have a strange name, anyway, even for English speakers.
So people remember my name and my face.
And so they come along and say, well, goodbye, Diccon.
And I'm left, oh, oh, are you Martin?
Are you Stefan?
Because nearly every Swiss man is Martin or Stefan.
Oh no, you're over 60.
You must be Hans [INAUDIBLE].
It's really embarrassing when you have to ask everyone's
name over and over again.
So to get over these two problems, I have two tips for
you, which work every time.
First--
and this is why all Swiss people are punctual--
arrive first.
Then you stand there.
You have your drink.
You can chat with whoever you want.
You don't have to do anything.
Everyone else has to do the round, and you stand there
relaxed, having fun, enjoying the evening.
So there's always that scramble for the door at one
minute past 7:00 when everyone's been told to arrive
at 7:00, because everyone wants to be first and not have
to do this round.
Secondly, when you leave, wait until someone else is leaving.
Then follow a couple of steps behind.
Listen to them go, oh, I'm sorry.
I've forgotten your name.
And then you come along and say, well, goodbye,
[INAUDIBLE].
It was lovely to meet you.
And everyone's amazed that you have this immense memory
because you've remembered 35 names which you learned in 10
minutes three hours ago.
But in fact, you're cheating.
And of course, no one cheats in public in Switzerland.
So no one expects it.
It works every time.
S is for a word which doesn't exist in any of
the four Swiss languages.
Spontaneity.
I lived in London for a long time.
And in London, if you're in someone's neighborhood, you do
go and knock on the door and say, literally, oh, I was in
the neighborhood.
I thought you were in.
Because if they were to see you walking down the street or
saw your update on Facebook or whatever, and say, Diccon
didn't come and say hello.
They would be really offended.
In Switzerland, it's exactly the opposite.
What I learned very quickly is when I first arrived, I didn't
have a job.
I went to school in the mornings to learn German from
[INAUDIBLE] onwards.
And in the afternoons, I explored my new city.
And I did know a couple of Gregor's friends, and I knew
where they lived.
And I'd be walking past and think, oh,
so-and-so lives here.
So I'd ring the bell, and there would be this person
with this look of utter shock on their face.
Did we have an appointment?
And I thought, well, it's not the doctor's surgery, but no,
I was just spontaneously passing by and thought,
maybe you're in.
It would be nice to chat.
And so we'd stand on the doorstep, making uncomfortable
small talk for 10 minutes or so, and I would finally
realize that I was never going to be invited in.
And after this happened two or three times, I realized that
spontaneous visits are uncomfortable because the
Swiss person is not prepared.
They haven't cleaned the flat.
They haven't bought the Rivella.
They haven't made the cookies.
The haven't got everything perfect.
And a lot of Swiss people are very house proud.
And because the house is inside the shell, whereas a
lot of British and American people use the house as a
social extension, in Switzerland, the house is part
of inside the shell.
So they're very proud of it and always keen to show it in
the best possible light.
So if you turn up unannounced, it may be always perfect,
anyway, but it could not be quite perfect.
So you have to plan a little bit.
If I say to my Swiss friends now I'm used to, well, let's
go to the cinema sometime.
And they'll get out their handy--
not their mobile phone but their handy-- and say, well,
how about 17:35 on the 14th of April?
And you go, OK, that's fine, and get used to making
appointments three months ahead.
But I have learned that you can be spontaneous.
You just have to plan your spontaneity.
It's a very Swiss concept.
So I send a text or put a message on Facebook or
whatever and say, I'm off next Friday.
And if the weather's nice, there's a high chance I'll go
for a walk, and I may wander through your neighborhood.
And about 11 o'clock, it's possible I might
ring on your doorbell.
And if you happen to be home, we could maybe sit down and
have a chat for a few minutes, if you're free.
If not, no problem.
And of course, they know that I will turn up, and I turn up
at about two minutes to 11:00, just to feel a little bit
spontaneous.
And everyone's happy.
I ring on the doorbell unannounced, roughly, and
they're ready for me.
Everything's tip top, another phrase that went out of
fashion in England about 1935.
But here, people love to say tip top.
It feels like I'm talking to my grandmother all the time.
Swiss francs.
Swiss people love money.
And I'm not saying that in a mean way.
I'm saying actual, real money, not pretend money like we have
in America and Britain, plastic and money that you
never really see.
Real money here.
I worked for five years in a bookshop, and it was a big
surprise to me, having worked five years in an English
bookshop 100 years ago, where most people pay with plastic.
Here, over half of the customers still pay with cash.
And it's no surprise at all if you're Swiss.
But if you're British, and it's your first week at work,
and you're on your own on the shop floor, and the woman
comes up and puts a book on the counter, which costs 25
francs or so.
And she gives you a purple piece of paper.
And you look at it and think, I've never seen a note with
three zeroes on it.
1,000 francs.
It's like $1,000 just on the counter.
And so I look at it and look at here, and she looks at me
and looks at it.
And she's obviously thinking, why is this stupid man not
just giving me my change, like in any other shop?
And I'm thinking, well, I didn't even have 1,000 francs
of change in my till.
But also, shouldn't I hold it up to the light or call the
police or something?
Because in Britain, our largest note is a 50-pound
note, which you never see, really, unless you're a bank
robber or a drug dealer.
But normal people, you tend not to get them very often.
But here, 1,000-franc notes are normal.
People think they are normal.
And it's a sure sign that you are a tourist or a newly
arrived foreigner if when you go to co-op with a 200-franc
note, you still apologize when you hand it over, you say, I'm
awfully sorry.
It's all I've got.
Because you're buying a bottle of Coke for one franc 20, and
the cashier looks at you, well, why are you apologizing
for giving me money?
It's normal.
My father has been visiting Switzerland
for eight years now.
And he's still surprised when the cash machine gives him a
200-franc note, because in England, you're lucky
if you get a 20.
It's normally 10s and 5s.
And what's interesting here is the attitude to
money is very different.
It's all about trust, because Swiss society runs on trust.
Swiss people trust each other to make the right decision, in
a political sense, because we have direct democracy.
So it's a system of referenda.
So the people always have a say, or can always have a say,
either at the beginning of a process, like with the ban on
new minarets.
It was a referendum which now has to be turned into law.
Or it's at the end of the process that they have to
ratify a treaty or say yes to joining the United Nations,
for instance, which didn't happen for many, many years.
So the Swiss people are involved, but they trust each
other to make the right decision.
And the same with many shops.
I worked in a bookshop in Bern.
We had tables outside the shop with books piled up on them,
no member of staff there.
And the shop trusts people to just pick them up and bring
them inside.
Rather like my local co-up, brings down the shutters at
night and on a Sunday.
And outside, there's still compost and plants and
everything.
And they're still there in the morning.
So it's all about trust.
And the cash society promotes that trust, because if, like
us, you order a new fridge, you go to the
shop, you order a fridge.
You give them your name and address.
A few days later, they deliver it.
No one's taking a deposit.
No one's taking a credit card number.
All they've done is deliver a rather expensive fridge and
say the bill will be in the post.
And the bill comes in the post, and you have a
month to pay it.
And it's all very different from when I worked in a
British bookshop, where if we took an order over the phone,
it's like ordering on Amazon.
You have to give your credit card details before you even
send the book out.
So it's very much a trustful society.
And the cash is part of that, because a lot of Swiss people,
debt is a four-letter word.
They don't have mortgages.
And a lot of Swiss people do not have a credit card.
About a third have a credit card.
About a third don't have a credit card.
And about a third have a credit card for going shopping
in America.
And really, it's because they don't trust credit.
They don't trust internet shopping in the
same way as we do.
We've got a lot of customers who would find a book on
Amazon, print it out, and come and order it in this shop,
which for me was wonderful, as a bookseller, but completely
strange that they didn't trust putting their personal details
into a big website like that or give them
their credit card details.
I pay my mobile phone bill here by direct debit.
A lot of my Swiss friends think I'm crazy.
Why on earth do you let a company have your bank details
and take money each month?
It's because it's convenient.
But it's all about trust.
So it's a very interesting reversal, or maybe a throwback
to how it used to be.
The other interesting thing about the Swiss money is the
coins haven't really changed since about 1870s.
In 1874, Helvetia, stood up on the coin.
She used to be sitting down.
She stood up.
That was a momentous change.
And in 1978, an extra star was added around the edge of the
two-franc, one-franc, and half-franc coins.
Those are 23 stars for the cantons.
There used to be 22.
And they had to squeeze an extra one in when Jura became
a separate canton in 1978.
But apart from that, they're pretty much the
same as they were.
So it's quite usual for sometimes in my change, I'll
get a coin, which is 1930s, 1940s, and it's still doing
the rounds.
I don't really like to touch it.
I don't know where it's been.
It's been in many, many different hands.
But I come from a country where we change our coins
practically every 10 years.
They get smaller.
They change shape.
They introduce new ones.
And here, it's very stable.
It doesn't really change.
Whereas the notes, there was a major revolution in the notes
about 10 years ago.
They used to be taller as well as longer, each note rather
like the British notes.
And then they decided, one, you couldn't use automatic
machines that easily.
And two, the big notes, like the 1,000-franc note, were
just too big for people's wallets.
So they made them all the same width, but each note 11
millimeters longer than the one before it.
It's very precise.
And then you get wonderful things, like each note has a
little symbol for blind people to know what the note is.
So 10-franc note is a little dot inside a
circle that is raised.
And this is the kind of thing you never really notice until
you research a book.
N is for names.
And that's not me.
That is Basel Fasnacht, which is coming up, one of the
biggest festivals in Switzerland.
Really worth visiting, but only if you like lots of
music, lots of confetti, and lots of people.
If you don't like any of the above, then don't go.
Just watch it on television.
Names here are also very important, partly because you
have to introduce yourself all the time, even on the phone.
If you phone a Swiss person, particularly in the
German-speaking part, not so much in the French and
Italian-speaking parts.
But in the German-speaking part, very often, they'll pick
the phone and just say their last name, which is very
unfortunate if they have a funny last name.
I had a customer who was Herr ***.
And every time I called him, he would just go ***?
I was like, really?
Here?
Now?
And it's too abrupt for me, whereas in England, it's like,
well, good morning.
This is Diccon speaking.
How can I help you, if you're working
in a shop, for instance.
But names are very important.
I once had a customer who I had said, good morning.
Diccon speaking.
Can I help you?
And she said, well, I need to know your last name before you
can help me.
I said, OK, it's obviously very important.
The actual name itself is partly controlled.
It's not very strictly controlled.
There isn't a list of first names that you have to give,
have to choose from.
But the first name you give your baby has to be approved
by the community registrar.
You have to give the baby a name within three days.
You can't take the baby home and think, well, she looks
like a Michelle.
We'll call her Michelle after a week or so.
The name has to be given before
the baby leaves hospital.
And there are certain rules.
So you can't use bad-boy names, like Judas and Cain.
You can't use family names as first name,
so no Harrison Ford.
You can't use place names.
No Paris Hilton.
Hurrah.
You can't make up names just because they sound nice.
Or you can't give a baby a name which
would open it to ridicule.
So for instance, if your surname is Head, you can't
call your son Richard if it were in an
English-speaking country.
You can't call your son Adolf Hitler like a couple in
America did a few years ago.
So anything that will harm the child emotionally, physically,
mentally, is not allowed.
And it has to be approved by the registrar.
It sounds very controlling, but it's actually for the well
being of the child so that you don't get children like the
little girl in New Zealand who was called Talula-Does-The-
Hula-From-Hawaii, all hyphenated.
That was her given name.
That would never be allowed here, and probably
rightly so, I think.
Which is why you get a lot of women called Doris Muller.
E is for Emmentaler, possibly the most famous Swiss product,
Swiss cheese, as it's generally called in some parts
of the world.
And the interesting thing about Emmentaler, it's one of
those Swiss products that everyone knows is Swiss.
And typically, Swiss firms, like Swiss
people, are very modest.
They're not wonderful at shouting to the world, we've
invented this thing.
It's wonderful.
It's great.
This is the best thing in the world.
They say, oh yeah, by the way, we've invented something
rather interesting, and maybe you'd like it.
Or not even that.
They just put it out there and hope it sells itself somehow.
So there are lots of Swiss inventions which are famous
but not famous for being Swiss.
So Velcro, for instance, the Toilet Duck, electric
toothbrush, LSD, absinthe, really useful everyday things.
Cellophane, tin foil.
These are all Swiss inventions, but pretty much,
even Swiss people probably don't know they're Swiss,
because they've just been invented, and they think, oh,
that's great.
And out they go.
And so it's very interesting to see Swiss firms now
changing slowly to deal with social media, to deal with
different forms of selling, because it's not really in
their genes to be very forward and to be very proactive.
So sometimes, it can be hard for them to enter into the
big, wide world outside their coconut.
So Switzerland, in a way, is like a coconut.
The mountains are the shell, and it's very nice and
comfortable in the internal market.
But selling to the outside world can be scary.
And as for the Emmentaler itself, well, the holes are
officially called eyes.
And they are, officially, the CO2 released during
fermentation by the bacteria that are added So in other
words, they're bacteria farts that are
trapped inside the cheese.
But it has to be said, Emmentaler, my favorite part
of the cheese is the hole.
I tend to leave the rest.
Penultimate S--
unfortunately, "Swissness" has lots of Ses.
I had to work really hard with the Ses.
It's for Sundays.
Sundays were abolished in America and Britain
about 20 years ago.
Basically, Sunday is like any other day.
You can go shopping.
You can do pretty much whatever you want, whereas
here, Sundays are still something special.
Not necessarily a day of religion, because although
it's a little bit more religious here than in other
countries, it's not that religious.
Some cantons are Catholic.
Some cantons are Protestant.
You only really notice when the Catholic cantons have
holiday which the Protestant cantons don't.
And you think, oh, I'll go to Lucerne today.
And you get there, and everything's shut because
they're celebrating Mary going to heaven or Mary having a
little lamb or Mary doing something.
And the Protestant cantons, of course, are hardworking.
They have far fewer holidays.
The best place to live, by the way, is Ticino.
That's 15 public holidays, as opposed to eight in Bern,
because they celebrate whatever
their saints are doing.
It's an excuse for a day off.
So Sundays is not down to religion.
It's about having a day of rest.
That's why the shops aren't open, except in the stations
or the airport.
That's why you can't do your recycling.
It may be God's holy day, but you can't save the planet,
because if you do what I did and put some bottles in the
bottle bank on a Sunday, you get told off very quickly for
creating too much noise.
You also very often can't do things like clean your car,
mow the grass, wash the windows, do any DIY, because
that's all disturbing someone else's peace.
And in buildings where you have communal laundries,
sometimes the laundry room is actually locked on Sunday.
So you can't even do your washing.
And it's not about controlling your life.
It's about making sure that everyone
has a good life balance.
So what do Swiss people do on Sunday?
Well, typically, there's the cinema.
Visit friends, as long as you've told them in advance
that you're coming.
Go to a museum, because they're usually shut on
Mondays, because they can't cope with opening
every day of the week.
That's too much.
Or you go for a walk through a lovely place like this, the
Eiger Nordwand, north face of the Eiger.
It's one of my favorite walks.
But a Swiss walk is not a British walk.
A British walk is a stroll through a meadow for an hour
or so, finishing at a pub with a pint.
A Swiss walk is at least five hours long, has height
differences of 500 meters, definitely no pub at the end,
and you're a panting wreck behind all your Swiss friends,
who have marched off with their sticks and their boots.
I went on one walk.
Never again.
I now meet my friends at the top.
I take the cable car and say, well, I'll meet
you there for lunch.
That's fine.
And I bring the picnic.
And they do the exercise.
And I just get up three hours late, because they all get up
at 6 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday.
And the train is packed, because it's a beautiful day.
And it's like rush hour.
And you have to run to get a seat.
And I say, I'll get up at 9:00 and catch a later train and
meet them at the top.
That's what Sundays are about here.
And it actually takes a bit of getting used to, after living
in London where everything is 24 hours.
At the beginning, I was thinking, oh my lord, it's 4
o'clock on a Saturday.
Nothing's going to be open until 9 o'clock on Monday.
And you have to rush to the supermarket, because
otherwise, you're not going to have anything to eat.
Or you have to face the scrum that is the Migros in the
station, where very often, it's one in, one out, because
it's so busy inside.
But you get used to it, and you actually
appreciate your Sundays.
The difficult thing when you first arrive is that Sundays
aren't just Sundays.
Holidays are Sundays as well.
So on holidays, everything is shut.
So logically, the day before a holiday is a Saturday, even
when it isn't, because a holiday is a Sunday.
So on the day before Good Friday, for instance, Maundy
Thursday, everything shuts at 5 o'clock
because it is a Saturday.
Now, that you can just about get your head around, because
Good Friday is the same all the time.
When it gets difficult is the holidays that move around and
take you by surprise.
So like the 1st of August, and then suddenly, you have to
remember, oh, it's the 31st of July.
Not that it's Wednesday, but it's the 31st of July, so it's
a Saturday.
Or again, going to Lucerne or another Catholic canton when
they're celebrating something that Mary did, allegedly, then
you have to remember that the day before the day that Mary
did something, everyone has to get ready and rest and close
early to celebrate Mary's doing things.
So you have to remember that all these religious holidays,
which in England, we got rid of and made into very
anonymous spring bank holiday, here are still called
Ascension Day and Pentecost.
I didn't even know what happened on Pentecost
until I came here.
And I learned very quickly, something to do
with the Holy Spirit.
In my children's book, it had the apostles with little gas
flames above their heads.
That's how I learned what Pentecost was.
But of course, remember, the day before Pentecost is
therefore a Saturday.
So you just have to be a bit more prepared.
The last S is for Swinglish.
And Swinglish is the English that a lot of
Swiss people speak.
A lot of Swiss people speak wonderful English.
[GERMAN].
And a lot of Swiss people speak their version of
wonderful English, which isn't always the same.
And the problem is, as the English speaker, you are
expected to understand their English, because they think
it's English.
So for instance, in this picture, if you were to park
your car in a space marked "car," as a friend of mine
did, she did notice it was a very big space.
So she parked at right angles, thinking that everyone had to
do the same so that we could fit lots of cars in the space.
It's logical.
Space marked "car." I have a car.
I park my car.
Two hours later, I come back to my parked car in the "car"
space, and I have a ticket, because, of course, "car"
doesn't mean car.
"Car" means coach or bus, typically a tour bus.
That's why the space is so big.
But to English speakers, it's blindingly obvious that it's a
space for cars.
So you're very surprised to get a ticket.
Or your handy.
Go back to England and ask someone for their handy
number, and they will look at you, what's a
number that's handy?
One of those I wrote on my hand in a club last night?
I'm not really sure.
Because you forget that some English words-- because
"handy" is an English word meaning "convenient." But you
forget that they have different meanings here.
You get so used to the Swinglish meaning that you use
it when you go back to England, and everyone think
you're a little bit strange.
Far more embarrassing is, for instance, if you're talking
about your hobbies-- you're making small talk--
and you're an English speaker--
sorry, if you're a Swiss person speaking English, as a
friend of mine did.
And she said her hobby was riding old timers, which, of
course, for her meant she loved riding around in vintage
cars and vintage car rallies, because an old timer is a
vintage car.
But the English person she was speaking to, who was an old
man, thought that she liked having sex with old men, and
she was being very, very forward.
But for her, the meaning was clear.
And for him, the meaning was clear.
It was only when I explained the two different meanings
that they both went very red.
And then you get invited to very formal functions, dress
code smoking.
And I'm thinking, I don't smoke.
And I go--
or even if I did smoke, how can I wear a smoking?
How can I wear a verb?
Sounds like some weird, fancy dress party.
Come as your favorite verb participle.
But of course, a smoking is a dinner jacket or a tuxedo.
So it can be very confusing when same words
have different meanings.
There are lots of English words which
have the same meaning--
snap, online, quickie, Google.
But there are lots of words which have different meanings.
And sometimes, it can be very embarrassing.
I remember a customer in the shop came in and spoke in
English, so I presumed we were speaking English together.
And she said, do you have that book about a *** in the woods
with Jesus?
I was very professional.
I kept a straight face.
And I thought, well, it's the wrong bookshop for that.
And then I realized that for a Swiss German, the "G" at the
end is the same as a "K" at the end.
So it was the shack, not the ***.
And of course, there is a very famous book called "The Shack"
about a man who spends a weekend in
the woods with Jesus.
I don't know what they were doing there.
But then to I went and got the book, "The Shack,"
and gave it to her.
And it's very hard, sometimes, for the Swiss ear to hear the
difference at the end between a "guh" and a "kuh," whereas
for an English ear, it's much clearer.
And then, of course, there are situations where you end up
looking really, really stupid--
or I do, anyway--
which is why I think this is one of many people's favorite
part of the book, because I do look particularly stupid.
But I'll read it anyway.
Lots of Ses, so I need some water.
And this, I haven't been in the bookshop long.
I didn't realize that people didn't speak my English at
that point.
"Swiss customer--
'I need a book on cheeses.' 'OK, I'll show you what we
have in the cookery section.
I'll get out our three books on cheese.' Customer shaking
her head, 'Not cheese, cheeses.'
At this point, I'm wondering, does cheese have a plural?
Was it like sheep, with none, or more like fish, plural when
there's more than one type?
Or was this a Swinglish plural, like
informations and behaviors?
Not wanting to get into a discussion on that, I try
again, going with her plural in the hope that it helps.
'So, you're looking for something on cheeses.' ' Yes,'
the customer says, 'books on holy cheeses.' 'Oh, you want a
book on Swiss cheeses.' Customer, looking me as if I'm
simple, 'there is no Swiss cheeses.' I'm now thinking
about her singular verb with her plural noun.
'We do have something on Swiss cheeses.' Customer now very
irritated, 'cheeses was not Swiss.
Cheeses was the son of God.' 'Oh, you mean Jesus.' 'This is
what I'm saying.
Books on cheeses.'"
And of course, for me, it was very clear.
And for her, it was very clear.
And we just weren't talking about the same thing.
And for all the other customers and my Swiss
colleagues, who were helpless on the floor laughing, no one
coming to my aid, it was also very clear
that I was very stupid.
And Swiss friends of mine who have heard me tell that story
many, many times now say, I still can't hear the
difference.
Because, of course, a J for Swiss German speakers is a
"yuh," and a CH is a "huh." So they're very distinct, where
to a Swiss ear, a juh and a chuh sound exactly the same.
So if you happen to be a man called Jerry from Vancouver,
you have to be very careful what you say when you
introduce yourself.
"Hi, I'm Cherry from Wankouver" is what you tend to
get, because Jerry and Cherry are exactly the same name.
My boyfriend goes chogging.
The first time, he said, I'm just going chogging with
friends, I thought, should I be jealous?
What is he doing?
Something in parked cars that is vaguely illegal, I'm sure.
So that's Swinglish.
It's the last part of Swissness.
And that's really the funny side of what it's
like to live here.
Obviously, there's a serious side-- the political system,
the geography, the history, the wars, the people, all of
which I go into in the book in some detail.
So I learned a lot very quickly, because, of course,
in Britain, we learn nothing about Switzerland, apart from
banks and "Heidi." That's about it.
We certainly don't learn about Swiss history and the original
cantons or about the direct democracy system, partly
because we don't even understand our own system, and
partly because we'd probably be jealous if we actually
thought, wow, they get asked every three months what they
think, not every four years.
Seems amazing.
And the country actually functions.
How can a country function if the people keep having to make
the decisions?
It's just not democracy at all, really, is it?
So there is a serious side to living here.
But I focus on some of the serious parts and some of the
more amusing parts.
The book came out originally in 2010.
Very happily for me, it became the bestselling English book
in Switzerland.
And as Dana said, the "Financial
Times" Book of the Year.
It's also in German.
So my mother-in-law is very happy, because she speaks two
words of English, "happy Christmas." She has progressed
to "happy birthday" now.
So she was very happy to finally
read the book in German.
It has a different title.
I have progressed from being a watcher to an
understander, [GERMAN].
It also, very interestingly, has a toilet on the cover.
This is a very famous Swiss toilet up in the mountains,
one which you have to walk to get to, obviously.
And I've even had people send me pictures-- not of them on
the toilet but of the toilet, sending me GPS coordinates to
show me where it is in Graubunden.
It is, apparently, a famous toilet, but it's a toilet
nonetheless.
And then the French edition comes in June this year,
again, with a different title, different cover, just to
confuse everyone, especially the booksellers.
And last year, a little book of facts came out called
"Swisscellany," or
Swiss-cell-any, if you're American.
And it's one of those books of facts that you dip in and out
of and think, well, I never needed to know that, but it's
quite interesting.
So the Swiss people on the "Titanic" and which ones died,
which ones survived.
Which cantons have the most cows?
It's Canton Bern, by the way.
All the Emmentaler cheese.
Or all the characters in "Heidi," or Swiss winners at
the Oscars and the Olympics, things like that.
Kind of useful, but not really.
In England, it's the kind of a book we keep in the smallest
room in the house.
English people are famous for that.
You have a little bookshelf in the loo.
We do in our house.
And all my Swiss friends think it's very strange.
And my Swiss publisher--
this one was published in Switzerland--
she still says, but there are more comfortable places in the
house to sit and read.
But that's missing the point entirely.
So the first two, the English version and the German
version, are available as e-books,
"Swisscellany," not yet.
And my new project, which I've been working on the last two
years, will come out in October.
Because this year is the 150th anniversary of Thomas Cook
coming to Switzerland, the very first guided tour of
Switzerland.
And he brought a very adventurous group here.
And it was so successful that he brought more and brought
more and was brought more.
And Swiss tourism exploded, whereas before, you had to
have lots of time and lots of money to get here.
It took two weeks to get here by coach.
And then suddenly, the train line arrived, and you could
get here in two days.
And coming as a group made it affordable.
So it was the trains but also Cook organizing groups that
suddenly started Swiss tourism.
So Swiss tourism see it as their birthday.
So they're celebrating 150 years of Swiss tourism.
And what I did is I did the original tour that Thomas Cook
did 150 years ago.
Very luckily, a woman wrote a diary.
I didn't put on a big skirt and say, I'm a lady.
But I did do what they did, going around the same places,
the same itinerary, the same overnights, same hotels where
possible, to see how much a change, see what
had stayed the same.
This is Switzerland.
Quite a lot had stayed the same.
Change happens very slowly here.
Change would not be a winning election theme for anyone in
Switzerland.
But a lot of things had changed, obviously.
And those changes, a lot of the time, the British were
involved, because the British were too lazy to walk up
mountains, so the Swiss built trains to take them up.
And they wanted bathrooms, so the Swiss built nice hotels
with bathrooms.
And so a lot of the stuff we take for granted in
Switzerland, 150 years ago, didn't exist.
Switzerland was a very poor country.
There's parts of the diary where she talks about beggars
and parasites.
And it reads like she's visiting an Indian slum.
But actually, she's on the lake at Lucerne.
And it's a very different picture of Switzerland.
So it was quite interesting in that respect.
That comes in October this year.
It's the anniversary.
I have a website, also, where I write once a week about
Switzerland--
different topics.
So last week, I wrote about these strange building poles
you get on flat pieces of land in Switzerland.
The first time you come, what are they?
They look like anorexic martian
spaceships have landed.
And of course, they're showing you how big the building will
be that is going to be built, because they have to by law,
so that people can object if they want.
And if it's going to be a tall building, they have these
giant [INAUDIBLE] type things with guide wires to stop them
falling over.
So just little things I notice or about Swiss news.
Obviously, Facebook and Twitter, where I also talk
about different Swiss things.
And you're more than welcome to have a look at them.
You can contact me through any of them or even
ask a question now.
And I will have some books afterwards if
you want to buy one.
For those of who didn't get one, I'm happy to sell them
and sign them for you.
Thank you very much.
[APPLAUSE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: OK, we want to open the floor to questions,
if anyone has questions about his book, about life in
Switzerland, or anything else.
I'll bring the microphone around.
Oh, [INAUDIBLE] is setting one up there.
DICCON BEWES: You can ask anything you want.
I may not answer, but you can ask.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Great, so if anyone else has a question,
then we'll just line up at this microphone.
That'll make things really easy.
AUDIENCE: Thanks for coming.
I have observed that the Swiss, in general, seem to
have very beautifully taken care of gardens.
But you never seem to actually see them in them.
[LAUGHTER]
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
Have you noticed that--
DICCON BEWES: It's little elves at night.
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE] going on there?
Are they just for show?
If they have these amazing gardens, why don't they--
DICCON BEWES: Because a lot of Swiss people don't own their
own property--
it's about half the ownership rate that it is in Britain,
for instance.
It's about 35% here own their own property.
Most people rent.
And in the cities, it's even lower.
In Bern, for instance, it's 11% owners.
So very often, it belongs to the building, and there will
be a man responsible for them.
And he will come around during the day at some point and do
the garden, as well as clean the staircase and make sure
the laundry room is working and everything, sort of like a
janitor for each building.
And very often, it's a man who has retired from his normal
job, and he'll have two or three buildings to look after.
But for people who do own their own property and own
their own gardens, I think it is a labor of love.
And they do do it, like most things in Switzerland, to
immense detail so that it looks wonderful all the time.
Of course, a lot of people have what in England we call
an allotment.
So it's a communal patch of land
belonging to the community.
And you get a small patch which you can rent.
And there are rules about what you can and can't grow and how
much thereof.
And you can only have a certain size summer house and
things like that.
But for many people, especially if they live in
bigger blocks or flats, that's their escape.
And they use that instead.
But no, it is beautifully kept, most of the country.
I think the biggest problem here is graffiti.
You see a lot of graffiti, far more than
I ever say in England.
And maybe that's just one release for a certain part of
society, because society is quite controlled and quite
perfect in many ways.
The graffiti is an acceptable way of rebelling.
Thanks.
Hi.
AUDIENCE: Hi.
Just a small remark about the car thing.
The word "car" from "coach" actually comes from French,
and it seems to have been completely independent of the
English word, "car."
DICCON BEWES: Yeah, it is.
But the confusing thing is is that when you're in the
German-speaking part, you don't really expect to see it.
I mean, that picture I took was in Bern.
So even if you speak French, you might think, oh well, but
I'm in the German-speaking part now.
But I noticed that a lot of Swiss German
words are French words.
So that when I arrived I had schoolboy
French, not very good.
And I didn't have any German.
But I knew what [FRENCH]
and [FRENCH]
meant, because they were French, even though Swiss
German speakers used them.
In a menu, you only ever see [FRENCH].
It's only when you go to Germany you realize, actually,
I don't know the German word for chicken because I never
had to learn it.
Or I don't actually know what a bicycle is in German,
because you can get by with using the French.
So yes, that is true.
A lot of French words do creep into Swiss German.
AUDIENCE: And Italian.
DICCON BEWES: And Italian.
And of course, you get a lot of Swiss men who have
perfectly Italian names because they're second or
third generation, and they speak no word of Italian and
have never been to Italy, probably.
But they are Swiss Germans with Italian names, which
confuses me always when they pop up on television.
AUDIENCE: Hi.
DICCON BEWES: Hi.
AUDIENCE: Switzerland is one of the wealthiest
countries in the world.
Could you give top three reasons for that?
DICCON BEWES: I think the quick answer is I don't know,
I don't know, and I don't know.
It is a mystery, and it's one I'm trying to come to terms
with given that 150 years ago, it was one
of the poorest countries.
There were pockets of wealth--
Zurich, Bern.
The cities with their guilds and their
traders were very wealthy.
But the countryside was very poor and really scraping a
living off of the land and nothing else.
Which is why tourism was taken on so quickly, because if
you're earning one franc a day working in the field, which is
what they were-- and that was what a
breakfast cost in a hotel.
So the Thomas Cook tourists would come.
And they'd pay for breakfast what would take
a whole day's wages.
But if you then can earn 10 francs a week, or 5 francs a
day, or whatever working in the tourist industry, then of
course, you give up the land and move to tourism.
It's partly that.
It's partly the banks, obviously.
The banks have been here for a long time.
Geneva banks have been around for hundreds of years.
But banking secrecy, for all its problems that it's now
giving, did mean that a lot of money was here.
And the banks were able to lend it out to help
businesses set up.
It's partly the Swiss are very careful.
They don't spend beyond their means, generally.
There's no national debt here to speak of.
And you get votes in communities.
Like Lucerne, for instance, recently had a problem with
their finances.
So they voted to put up the tax to cover the hole in the
finances, which is kind of not what most voters in other
countries would do.
But they see it as a responsibility to look after
their community but also for long-term planning.
So you have a lot of investment in the train system
and other things.
So it is partly the Swiss nature to be very
cautious, to plan.
And if you think, even when they were farmers, they were
farming in some of worst country in
Europe in terms of farmland.
And yet, they still made a living from it.
So I think they're very resourceful, very innovative,
as I saw with all those inventions.
You can't invent LSD and not become rich.
Hurrah, a woman.
AUDIENCE: Thank you for confirming my theory of the
little elves coming out in the night [INAUDIBLE].
It's totally what I think happens.
DICCON BEWES: It's about 3:30 AM when they come down our
street, anyway.
AUDIENCE: So the public transport here and the
facilities always astonish me, because if you were to
transplant that to where I come from, it would be a wreck
within a week.
DICCON BEWES: Which is where?
AUDIENCE: Pakistan.
So you give the people the facilities, they'll use them,
they'll tear the seats apart, they'll take whatever can be
moved, et cetera.
What is this attitude?
How can you build an attitude of so much respect for
property that we have here?
You said hundreds of years ago, they were very poor.
Did they have the same attitude then as well?
DICCON BEWES: Probably.
I mean, I think it's two things.
One, it's partly the trust that I talked about, that they
trust each other to behave properly.
But it's also the fact that because the system, from the
very beginning, from 1291, when Switzerland was founded,
it was three cantons together.
They'd never had a president who's had any power.
They have a president who changes every year to shake
hands but doesn't have any power.
They've never had an emperor.
They've never had a military governor.
They've never had any form of central control, really.
Napoleon came.
He tried, he failed, he went.
A bit like the story of Napoleon, really.
And it was the same in Switzerland.
He invaded, he conquered.
He set up the Helvetic Republic.
It lasted five years, because the Swiss just couldn't deal
with central control.
And because they've always had a sense of,
we are in this together.
We are a community, whether we're three cantons or 23
cantons or eight million people.
And so if you make a mess of the train, then I
have to pay for it.
And so if there's that sense of communal responsibility,
which possibly used to be there in other countries-- my
parents talk about Britain in the 1950s as if it was some
sort of utopia, which I'm sure it wasn't.
But there is that feeling that Switzerland sometimes is the
same as another country was maybe 30 years ago.
And so there's still that feeling of community here.
And if you have a problem, or if someone wrecks the trains,
then it can be decided by the people what happens in terms
of, does the train company get more money?
Because at every level--
community, canton, or country--
the people can decide.
So in Bern, for instance, we recently voted on should we
extend the tram line out to the suburbs.
Where else in the world would you vote on that sort of
minute detail?
Or should we build bus stops with a roof over them of not?
Or should we extend opening hours to 8 o'clock
instead of 7 o'clock?
And things like that.
It sounds like very detailed, boring stuff.
And sometimes, it is.
But if the people are asked all the time what they think,
and the rules are made by the people, then I think there is
a bigger sense of communal responsibility than if they're
told what to do.
It's just a theory.
Hi.
AUDIENCE: Hey.
I'd be curious, since you only hear an outsider's view of
Switzerland, I'm curious what Switzerland thinks of all its
outsiders here in the country and if we're changing the
country or they're changing us, sort of that whole
[INAUDIBLE].
DICCON BEWES: Oh, how diplomatic should I be?
I think as in any country, you will have a divide--
typically a left-right divide--
on the view.
When I first arrived in 2005, the first election campaign I
experienced was the one with the black sheep, the one that
would be classed as racist in Britain, with three white
sheep kicking a black sheep off the Swiss flag.
Now, of course, even my not right-wing Swiss friends say,
well, it's just turn of phrase, the black
sheep of the family.
But for me, it was overtly racist and
shouldn't have been allowed.
And I think it fostered a climate of latent xenophobia,
even if you're white and Christian,
an acceptable immigrant.
I have still experienced insults, abuse, because I
speak high German, although my German isn't so high anymore.
It's a bit polluted.
But in the shop, people would speak to me in Swiss German,
and I'd reply in high German.
And a couple of people got so angry we had to call the
police because I was speaking that Nazi language.
But you get that in any society, of course.
There's intolerance.
But I think here, it's accepted by the general
populace in a way that I don't think is acceptable.
So therefore, what in other countries would be passed as
extreme becomes mainstream here.
And I've noticed that over the last few years.
And of course, it is exacerbated by the increasing
number of immigrants.
Since Switzerland joined the [INAUDIBLE]
area and free movements of people within the EU, despite
not being an EU member, a lot of Germans, especially, have
moved here.
And in Zurich and Zug, you hear a lot of German voices.
And to me, that's wonderful, because I can
understand them perfectly.
But I can understand also why a lot of Swiss people--
Swiss Germans--
feel insecure about that.
There's this big love-hate relationship between
Switzerland and Germany.
It's a bit like Canada and America, only
the other way up.
It's like they're taking over our culture.
We're different from them, but we speak
roughly the same language.
Is it a dialect?
Is it a language?
Is it an accent?
And it's all to do with Swiss national identity.
And then, of course, you just have the fact that Switzerland
never had an empire.
So whereas Britain has had centuries of immigration from
different cultures, different races, different religions, in
Switzerland, it's a fairly new thing.
Even the immigrants in the '60s were Catholic and white
because they were Italian or Portuguese or Spanish.
And then in the '90s came white Muslims from the former
Yugoslavia.
And so it is a new thing for Switzerland to have to deal
with multiculturalism.
And that's why you have a lot of insecurities about
minarets, about wearing the burka in public, about
swimming lessons for girls.
And it's a very public debate, which is good.
And it's probably more of a debate than you would get
about it in Britain, because things are decided by
referendum.
But that being said, because it's a public debate, you
sometimes hear and see things which you think, actually, I
don't want to hear and see that.
It's an interesting situation.
It's sometimes uncomfortable.
As a foreigner here, I feel uncomfortable.
And sometimes, I feel more than welcome.
Learning the language changed everything, except when I go
to Neuchatel somewhere and then have to
speak my awful French.
But learning German has obviously made a difference,
because then people actually know you are making the effort
to integrate.
Integration is a two-way street, as far as I see it.
Hi.
AUDIENCE: Hi.
I'm just curious to know how much of the things you were
talking about--
like spontaneity and the habits in parties and things
like that-- apply also to the French and the Italian
cantons, if at all.
DICCON BEWES: They do to a certain extent.
I think the interesting thing is when I go and give talks in
Lugano and Lausanne, which are not the same place, by the
way, with different names, as someone once asked me.
Is Lucerne, Lausanne and Lugano, is that just all the
same place with German, French, and Italian names?
It's kind of logical.
Genf is Geneva is Ginevra.
They all change.
But I think the interesting thing is when I go and give
talks in the Swiss [INAUDIBLE] in Ticino, the Swiss people
there say, oh, and of course, that's German-speaking
Switzerland.
That's not us.
But the expats living there, almost all of them say, this
is my life, just in French instead of German.
And it's partly a perception thing.
It's partly the Italian and French--
and we mustn't forget the 14 Romansh speakers in
Graubunden.
They want to be part of Switzerland.
They don't want to be part of France or Italy, because they
know they would just be another ignored province and
totally forgotten about.
Whereas in Switzerland, they have a role.
They have a voice, which they wouldn't have if they were in
their respective language countries.
So they want to be part, but they still feel like a
minority, because they are a minority.
65% of the population is German speaking.
And so they want to feel like they're different.
And of course, there are differences.
There are differences in every country.
If I go to the north of England, I don't even
understand what they're saying.
Spend the day in Newcastle, and I'm lost.
And there are very big differences in any country.
And here, the differences appear bigger
because of the language.
And I think, actually, from an outsider's point of view, the
differences are much smaller.
They're still there.
So for instance, you can quite easily go out for a business
lunch, as I have done, in the French-speaking part, and
everyone will drink wine.
Which here, doesn't normally happen so much, because we all
know we'll fall asleep during the afternoon.
But you still get the thing where people in
Geneva contact me--
I've lived here four or five years, and still, my Swiss
neighbors haven't really said more than hello.
So it's still breaking through that clique, breaking through
that coconut.
And so every town can be different.
And I get emails from people, why didn't you
talk about my village?
It's so different.
It's like, I'm really sorry I couldn't
talk about every village.
It's not a guidebook.
And of course, there are differences.
But I would say as a general rule, what makes the Swiss
Swiss applies in all areas.
Otherwise, they would feel French and seem French and not
just speak French.
Oh, dear.
A second question.
I must have said something wrong.
AUDIENCE: When speaking of languages, why do you think a
country that has four official languages works in
Switzerland, whereas, for example, it doesn't work in,
say, Belgium?
DICCON BEWES: Well firstly, I should point out that Romansh
is a national language, not an official language.
It's a typically Swiss hair-splitting definition.
But it means that it's a national language, but all
documents and everything and signs don't
have to be in Romansh.
So if you get official stuff on the government website, for
instance, it doesn't have to be in Romansh.
But if they're dealing with a Romansh speaker, then they
have to do it in Romansh.
It is a national language.
But it's only been a national language since a referendum
decided that in about 1935.
I think here, it is interesting as to
how they can coexist.
Partly, they all had to learn one of the other languages in
school, as well as learning English as well.
And there's a big debate as to which should come first.
And partly, it's again that sense of community.
We all choose to be together as a country.
So we all have to get along, even though we speak different
languages, because if we didn't, we would fall apart,
like Belgium.
But what they do is make it very easy.
So in Parliament, you can speak in your own language.
And the presumption is is that people will understand.
And if they don't, it's their fault, because they haven't
learned your language.
And so there is that presumption.
I find the further you get away--
it's called the Rostigraben, the divide between the German
and the French bit, because the Germans speak [INAUDIBLE]
and the French speak as [INAUDIBLE], basically.
Oversimplification.
But it's called the Rostigraben.
And the further east you get from it, the less likely you
are to get by in French.
So in Bern, you can get by in French and in [INAUDIBLE]
almost not at all, whereas the same applies.
Gregor, my boyfriend, speaks no French.
He grew up in Liechtenstein, so he learned English.
So as soon as we cross the imaginary border, he can get
by in German in Fribourg, for instance,
because it's almost bilingual.
But as soon as we get further into the French-speaking part,
they actually will speak English with
you rather than German.
And he'll say something in Swiss German, and they'll say,
oh, I don't speak that language.
And I say something in English or my bad
French, and it's fine.
And of course, you can go to Geneva and speak English
almost everywhere, because a third of the population is not
even Swiss.
But I think it is-- it's an interesting conundrum, two
religions as well.
And the last war of religion was 1847 with the Sonderbund
[INAUDIBLE].
How come they can get along with four languages, two
religions, 13 parties in Parliament?
And yet, it still functions.
And it's partly to do with everyone is included all the
time or has the chance to be included.
Not everyone is included, because a lot of
people don't bother.
And obviously, none of the foreigners can be included,
because we don't count in electoral
terms, political terms.
But everyone has the chance to have their voice heard.
No one can say, I wasn't asked.
No one can say, I'm not important.
What I think isn't important.
And so you always have that chance to have your voice
heard, which I think is possibly what makes it work.
In Germany, you say [GERMAN], which means a nation that is
only held together because they have the
will to be held together.
It's much easier in German.
They exist because they want to, not because of
geographical boundaries or political boundaries or
religious boundaries or language boundaries.
They exist because they want to.
This side of the room is being very quiet.
I'm not leaving until we get one question from over here.
Well, that worked.
Hi.
AUDIENCE: Hi, my name is Pascal.
DICCON BEWES: I know.
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
So much for my nationality.
No, I was actually wondering if you have noticed any
particularities when the Swiss is actually outside of the
coconut, when he goes [INAUDIBLE]?
DICCON BEWES: You mean outside Switzerland?
AUDIENCE: Yeah, when he goes abroad, is he--
DICCON BEWES: He becomes Swiss.
AUDIENCE: He's probably easy spottable.
DICCON BEWES: Basically, he becomes Swiss.
There is a famous saying that a Swiss is only Swiss when he
leaves the country.
And when he's in Switzerland, he's Bernese or
Ticinese or a Thurgauer.
And so you're only Swiss when you leave, because when you're
here, your canton is more important.
Because Switzerland, as an entity, is only 150 years old,
roughly 1848.
Before then, it really was a confederation of individual
almost city-states or country-states.
I call it an island.
It was really more like an archipelago.
And sometimes, it feels like 26 little countries roughly
going in the same direction, because each canton has its
own laws and flags and police and education system and tax.
It's a bit like the states in America but even more so.
So I think Swiss people can become more Swiss
when they're abroad.
And they actually talk to other Swiss people much more
willingly than they do when they're in Switzerland.
And they become much more house proud about Switzerland
and become a little bit less accepting of criticism than
they would from people who are actually
living here, for instance.
But I think that's the case for a lot of people
when they go abroad.
They defend their country a lot more than they would at
home, obviously.
And also, Swiss expats, the so-called "fifth Switzerland."
You have the four national languages here, and then the
fifth is all the Swiss living abroad.
Some of them, I get emails from them saying either, oh,
it made me so homesick.
That's just what I remember.
And when I visit my family and everything,
it's just how it is.
And then others say, you're got it completely wrong,
because they are remembering, little bit rose colored, what
Switzerland was like before they left.
And so they feel the urge to defend it if they feel I'm
being too critical.
But I think that's true of almost any nationality abroad.
I don't think the Swiss are actually any different.
When they're outside the coconut,
they become more peachy.
Still waiting.
A questioner.
See now, we're all going to watch you walk.
It's here.
It'd better be worth it.
AUDIENCE: The very left edge of the room, as you wanted.
So first thing, please assure me if I understood well.
In the beginning, Swiss people are not asking questions which
might be private, against me, for example, right?
So not--
DICCON BEWES: Invading your privacy.
AUDIENCE: Violate my coconut, right?
So how--
[LAUGHTER]
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE] coconut [INAUDIBLE]
as well, right?
DICCON BEWES: Mental image was very, very [INAUDIBLE].
[LAUGHTER]
DICCON BEWES: Better than violating your peach, I think.
AUDIENCE: Whatever you like.
DICCON BEWES: Yes, OK.
Pick a fruit, any fruit.
Not the banana, please.
[LAUGHTER]
AUDIENCE: OK, and--
DICCON BEWES: And the question.
AUDIENCE: So the question is, how they dare to ask private
questions when you want to rent a flat, they ask
[INAUDIBLE].
Depending on who you meet, they go in more or less
private stuff, right?
And they are ready to reject you once you don't want to
share some private information.
They ask about--
DICCON BEWES: I think that's--
AUDIENCE: In my country, I feel violated with many of
those questions that I see on those forms and when I am
asked in my face when I look for a flat.
And how does it go [INAUDIBLE]?
DICCON BEWES: I think--
I've been lucky in that I've never had to look for a flat
here, thank goodness.
It's party a difference between business--
AUDIENCE: Lucky you.
DICCON BEWES: Yes.
Renting a flat is a business thing, rather
than a social thing.
So different rules apply.
And it's also they want to be sure that you are an
upstanding person, because you are going to be living in
their property.
And so they ask you what they probably think of as moral
questions, like do you do drugs, or whatever.
I don't know what they ask you.
But it's also a question here of sometimes political
correctness or that privacy boundaries
don't actually apply.
I have a friend who applied--
she was working in a company already, and she
applied for a promotion.
She's a 30-year-old woman, married.
In her interview, they asked her, so when are you planning
to have children?
Now, in England, that kind of question would be illegal,
because it's nothing to do with her
ability to do the job.
But as far as the employer is concerned, it is, look, are
you a good risk for the next three years or whatever?
So those kind of what we think of as very personal
questions--
maybe personal questions about your lifestyle, for instance--
are actually, in the Swiss eyes, seen as practical
questions to determine whether to go ahead or not for a
longer term.
I know it's a very two sides of one coin, and sometimes it
can feel very invasive.
Like for instance when I applied for jobs here, first
thing my boyfriend says is, well, your CV hasn't got a
picture on it, because pretty much, CVs here
have pictures on them.
And I said, well, what I look like has nothing to do with my
ability to do the job.
He said, yes, but how will they know if you fit in?
Well, exactly.
Whether I fit in or not has to do with whether I'm qualified
or whether I'm experienced enough to do the job, not
whether I'm male or black or whatever.
And so there are different rules.
And I think if you come from a society which has slightly
different expectations and rules, it
can seem very intrusive.
But I think it's seen as practical
here, rather than intrusive.
It doesn't help, I know.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, because during talk, you said that during
business events, you should apply some of those Swiss
rules, right?
To not bring our humor on the table, et cetera.
But now, I hear that when there's a business event, some
rules might be broken.
DICCON BEWES: Well, yeah, but you're not the one
breaking the rules.
That's the thing.
If you then turn around to your prospective landlord and
say, well actually, are you married or do you have a
boyfriend or whatever, he would probably not take too
kindly to that.
So different rules apply in terms of status.
AUDIENCE: The nature of my question was how to
distinguish, right?
We, as foreigners, how to behave.
That was the meat of the question.
DICCON BEWES: I think the best advice, really, is behave the
way the people around you are behaving.
If your boss and your colleagues almost never make
jokes in meetings, then the idea is don't make a joke in
the meeting.
AUDIENCE: And still protect your fruit.
DICCON BEWES: Well, I've really developed a thick skin,
become a little bit more of a coconut.
Turn from a peach to a coconut.
Become a hairy peach.
It is difficult, and it's one of the hardest things about
integrating here is keeping your own sense of self and
your own culture but also fitting in.
FEMALE SPEAKER: OK, I think we have run out of
people to ask questions.
DICCON BEWES: Well, we can leave.
Now we've had one from this side.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, good.
We've had both sides of the room represented.
So it's good.
DICCON BEWES: I obviously didn't look at them enough
[INAUDIBLE].
FEMALE SPEAKER: So thank you very much for the
presentation, Diccon.
[INAUDIBLE].
He's staring you down now.
[APPLAUSE]
DICCON BEWES: Thank you.
FEMALE SPEAKER: We'll be moving from here to the
Android tent in just a few minutes.
We have App Row set up there.
There will be books for sale in case someone wants to buy
one of Diccon's other books.
Or if you didn't get a free copy of the book today, he's
selling the book we discussed, also.
DICCON BEWES: Or I can sign the one you were
given, if you didn't--
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, yes.
And he's happy to sign, if you brought one from home or you
got one today.
Great.
Before you go, we wanted to present you with a thank-you
present for your time.
[INAUDIBLE].
FEMALE SPEAKER: This is a very googly gift.
It's a "don't panic."
DICCON BEWES: Oh, wow.
Thank you.
FEMALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE] for the hitchhikers on their
adventurous travels.
DICCON BEWES: That's perfect for-- if you've never been to
Bern, which I suggest you do, because it's Switzerland's
most beautiful city-- sorry, Zurich.
In the summer, you can go swimming in the river.
And it's a very fast-flowing river.
It's like a liquid traveling [INAUDIBLE].
Basically, you jump in, and you don't have to do anything.
It carries you around the whole city.
It's wonderful.
FEMALE SPEAKER: And we have a nice Swiss theme.
DICCON BEWES: Of course, when they invented Google+, they
thought Swiss-themed cushions.
Thank you very much.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Thank you, again.
[APPLAUSE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: So anyone who wants to join for App Row can
make their way to the Android tent, and we'll see you there
in just a few minutes.
Thanks.