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* I need a guy *
* That I can call my baby *
* The kind of guy *
* That treats me like a lady *
Ah! Sweet mother.
What the hell are you doing here.
It is 11:00 at night.
Isn't it obvious? I'm a vampire,
I need permission to enter.
Permission not granted.
Good thing I'm not
really a vampire.
Vinyls.
How old school.
I keep it real.
- I've never seen this Beatles album.
- It was only released in the U.
K.
Those were my mom's.
She was a real purist.
She sounds cool.
She was.
So again, what is with
the breaking and entering?
I had something
I wanted to tell you.
Can I borrow Bior�--
A male in your bedroom?
And he's cute.
- Am I sleepwalking again?
- Shh!
Dad is going to hear you.
Girls!
Oh, my God.
Crap, crap, crap.
Get out.
Get out of here.
Get out, get out, get out.
Just a second, Dad.
I'm indecent.
And in so much trouble.
I'm loving this.
I'm coming in!
Spooky.
There's a brush fire.
The whole neighborhood's evacuating.
- We have to get out of this house right now.
- Just give me two minutes to get changed.
- We don't have time.
- Aw.
We had time.
::: Timecodes - gius :::
Excuse me.
Stand back.
Baby on board.
Can you girls handle check-in?
I'm going to volunteer at first aid.
Who knows? Maybe I'll get
to deliver a fire baby.
I feel like a poodle
at a dessert buffet.
What I wouldn't do
for a flat iron right now.
People could be losing their homes,
and you're worried about your hair.
Ugh.
You're worse
than Anderson Cooper.
Ooh.
You're looking for Patrick.
You like him.
- No, I don't.
- You want to kiss him.
Really? Are you five?
I'm just excited to know
that you're capable of physical attraction.
Now maybe I won't have to suffer the burden
of caring for you and your cats when you're old.
Sorry.
Can't take you seriously
with your hair like this.
Bianca.
Face forward and don't say anything, or
I'll tell Patrick you want to have his babies.
Bianca, can you believe this?
Fires are so scary.
I'm totally traumatized.
And what you're wearing
doesn't help.
I sleep in the nude,
so I had to borrow these.
Wow.
These are desperate times.
You wouldn't happen to have
anything less flannel I could borrow?
Sorry.
Someone once returned something
with a snag so I don't do that anymore.
But if you find something,
we'll be in room 103.
It's where all the cheerleaders
are sleeping.
Sure.
Oh, oh, oh.
And could you
get me some more blankets?
My resting body temp is 98.
1,
which means I'm freezing
and Frau Stick in the mud up there
would only give me two.
It is so sad when people
abuse their power.
I keep forgetting
you're related to that.
I can't believe her broomstick
didn't burn in the fire.
Hi, I can take it from here.
I am an OBGYN.
Oh, thank God.
The only thing
I know about delivering babies
- I learned from "Gone with the Wind".
- Do you have a certificate or something?
Just want to make sure
you're not one of those kooks
that goes around saying they're
a gynecologist so they can look at my
lady business.
But that's one of the perks
of the job, ma'am.
Just kidding.
Give me your hand and relax.
What are you, about seven months in?
Guess what.
Everyone's fine.
This bun's not coming out
of the oven tonight.
- Lie back and relax, okay?
- Okay.
But I'm keeping my knees closed.
You should have thought
of that seven months ago.
- I'll be here.
You don't have to stay.
- Oh, that's okay.
I don't mind.
I mean, what else am I going to do?
Rank the stuff I'll miss the most
if my house burns down?
I think I'd miss
my house the most.
Oh, not me.
It reminds me of my ex-husband
and his love of linoleum.
It's everywhere.
Oh, my memory foam pillow.
That's what I'll miss the most.
I spent a lot of lonely nights trying to get
the depressions just right, you know?
Dude, there are vulnerable
hot chicks all over this place
looking for a shoulder to cry on.
I know it's wrong,
but I love this fire.
Yeah, me, too.
Now I know
what Bianca wears to bed.
In a new development,
authorities believe
the canyon brushfire may have been
started by homemade pyrotechnics.
Homemade pyrotechnics?
Yeah, like fireworks,
flares--
Or model rockets.
Michael, that model rocket
we launched yesterday in my backyard--
it never came down.
You think we started the fire?
No, there's no way.
All we did was push a button.
That shot a vessel of highly flammable
balsa wood containing gunpowder--
into bone-dry brush,
igniting a gigantic conflagration.
Uh-oh.
Girls, I'm here for you
in your time of need, okay?
So why don't we go around the circle and
share what we're scared of losing the most?
My vintage collection of Us Weeklies.
They're irreplaceable.
My ionic featherweight hair dryer.
- It blows so hard.
- Mm-hmm.
If my house burns down, I'll lose
every single photo of my mother.
Oh, you poor thing.
I'm sure your house will be fine.
Aw, so sad.
I know exactly how you feel.
My mother is in Brazil,
getting her second face lift.
What if she doesn't wake up
from the anesthesia?
If I could talk to her right now, I would say,
"Mom, you're perfect just the way you are.
"
God, I remember this one time
when my mom went out of town--
Dawn, you had your turn, okay?
Wow.
You know what?
Now that I think about it
I should really be
with my parents right now.
They're probably
worried sick about me.
Yeah, me, too.
My dad gets so needy
in a crisis.
Sorry.
But you guys, wait.
We haven't
finished our little share circle.
I'm here to listen
as long as you want to talk.
Thanks, B.
Maybe Michelle should be
in that mascot suit instead of you.
Keep talking.
I'm still listening.
You know what we need?
Hot chocolate.
Yeah.
No sugar, no whipped cream.
Wait, whipped cream
but only if it's
the fake kind, okay?
Oh, and you can have yours
however you like it.
Go.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Scoot, scoot.
There you go, ma'am.
Does this have seeds in it?
I have diverticulitis.
I'm not sure, actually.
Oh, who's that you're undressing
with your eyes?
Your boyfriend?
No.
Just this guy I know.
Oh, missy,
I wasn't born yesterday.
I can see that.
So, you made it.
Where's your family?
I killed them all.
They were slowing me down.
Natural disasters
do bring out the best in people.
So, what was your big epiphany?
You're okay.
Did you get my messages?
I sent you, like,
a million texts.
When are we going to talk? You said
you needed to tell me something.
It's not like that.
Sure it's not.
Enjoy your chat.
Are you mad at me?
Oh!
Have you ever done
something you've regretted?
Giving you advice,
because you keep coming back.
Okay, but have you ever done something
you're really sorry about?
What did you do?
I think I started the fire.
Let me guess.
You set off a model rocket.
How'd you know?
It was either that
or you're setting your farts on fire.
So what's the problem?
The problem is the guilt is eating me alive.
I'm thinking of confessing.
Well, it's not like
you did it on purpose.
You're right.
That's it.
I'll tell them what happened
that it was an accident,
and I'm really sorry.
Yeah.
Worst case scenario,
you get five, ten years.
You can handle prison.
And with a face like yours,
you'll have a husband in no time.
Oh, goodie.
You're back.
Um, what are non-cheerleaders
doing here?
- A volunteer brought them in.
- Okay.
- Then you can volunteer to take them out.
- But they brought homemade baklava.
With real honey.
It's super delicious.
You'll love it.
And this is Sarab.
He's only 11, and he speaks 3 languages,
including Russian.
Pleasure it is to meet you.
Oh, how cute.
You talk like Yoda.
So cute.
Cuteness.
Yeah, we're going to need to get them
out of here, and by we, I mean you.
But there's plenty of room here.
Bianca, Bianca.
I thought this was supposed
to be bonding time for us
to really cement our friendship.
- Isn't that what you wanted?
- Yeah, of course.
Then get them moved
to another classroom.
And when you get back,
I'll flat iron your hair.
Oof.
Can't wait.
Go after him already.
Seize the moment.
Life is short.
Trust me, I know.
You're old.
I get it.
Do you have keys to any of the classrooms?
I need you to open one.
Chastity needs more room
for her ego?
Someone brought a family
into our room and she's a bit territorial.
Too bad.
Tell Genghis Chastity
that there's a fire going on
- and we all need to pull together.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We are the world.
I get it.
- Can't you just open a door, please?
- Not a chance.
Why can't you just help me once?
Why does everything you do
have to be about principles?
Why does everything you do
have to be about Chastity?
- It's pathetic.
- Fine.
I guess you'd rather be handing
out water bottles to old ladies
rather than making out with
Patrick Verona, but you're right.
I'm the one who's pathetic.
Now that her contractions have stopped,
do you want to share this bottle of wine
I can't pronounce?
Well, with a wine this nice,
it's a miracle you remembered your kids.
Yeah, my ex and I were saving it
for our 30th anniversary.
Now, instead of toasting that tragedy,
we can toast this one.
- May I?
- Please.
What's your deal, anyway? You married?
Separated? Big fat cheater?
Widowed.
I'm so sorry.
- Was it recent?
- Yes.
Seven years.
Oh.
Well, different people
move on at different speeds.
So that's totally normal.
Ish.
You seem to bounced back
pretty well.
- Mind sharing your secret?
- Therapy.
Thousands and thousands
of dollars of therapy.
Actually, I'm just now getting back
to the dating scene myself.
- Ah.
How's that going?
- Online dating is brutal
but I'm getting the hang of it.
Now I'm an entertainer in my early 30s.
I should help you with your profile.
And I've got Photoshop.
- Should I be thankful or offended?
- Grateful.
Chastity, I'm sorry.
We can't relocate the family.
But we can view this as an opportunity
to learn about another culture.
- It'll be fun.
- It would be fun.
But it would also be
horribly selfish of us.
Think about what they must be
going through, Bianca.
They probably lived in very small huts
in whatever country they came from.
This room must seem
overwhelmingly large for them.
We should totally put them
in the janitor's closet.
They'd be more comfortable there.
- But--
- Ooh, but, but.
Doot doot.
But nothing.
Unless you want to learn
carpet weaving from your new friends.
I know.
You could weave
yourself a new mascot suit.
That's really not very nice.
We actually do weave
beautiful carpets.
See?
Chastity, I'm not putting
a family of six in a closet.
Oh, wow.
Okay, I'm going to pretend this little
temper tantrum never happened.
I know you're really stressed
about losing all your dead mom stuff.
Yoda, tell your clan
to start packing.
You are such a ***!
- What did you say to me?
- You heard me.
You are a manipulative, conniving,
mean little shrew of a person
and I am sick of taking your crap.
Can't you see that nobody likes you?
That was harsh.
Don't jump.
Aw, I don't have to.
You're here now.
Okay, jump.
I'm only three stories up.
All I'd do is break a leg.
It'd still be worth it.
Come check this out.
It's really beautiful.
If you don't think about
all the homes being destroyed.
Look over there.
Oh!
- Ah.
- Oh!
See?
You don't want me to jump.
You're such a jerk.
Now I can tell you
what I wanted to tell you.
Ooh, I'm on pins and needles.
Let me guess.
Is it the same thing you wanted
to tell the girl downstairs?
Oh, I like it
when you're jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I'm appalled.
There's a difference.
Look, I was going to tell her
she should stop stalking me.
Big words from the guy
who shows up unannounced
in my bedroom window
at 11:00 at night.
- That's way past visiting hours.
- You talk a lot.
Is that what
you wanted to tell me?
Sure.
- No, seriously.
- Oh, seriously.
Okay.
I realized why
I find you interesting.
Mm, do tell.
You're different from other girls.
You have a mind of your own.
That must be
a refreshing change for you.
It is.
You're not
all clingy and needy.
We can just make out and it doesn't
have to be this whole big thing.
Right.
Right.
Because I'm a total ***.
But I have a mind of my own.
- No, that's not what I meant.
- Well, what did you mean?
I meant you're not living some fairy tale
where I'm your Prince Charming.
Trust me, no one would mistake you
for Prince Charming.
Prince Charles, maybe.
Ah, and we were having
such a nice time.
Unbelievable.
I'm worried about losing
my home, all of my stuff
every memory,
and you just want to hook up.
Why do have to make
everything so difficult?
What can I say?
I'm not easy.
Look, I'm sorry
I yelled at you
but I'm hot and tired and you
were acting like Janice Dickinson.
Well, excuse me for not wanting
to share my room with the entire USSR.
So what you said, was it true?
Yeah.
And here I thought we were
going to bond tonight, Bianca.
Bond? More like bondage
and I was your gimp.
Get me hot chocolate.
Fetch me blankets.
Rub my feet.
You're using me,
just like you use all of us.
Wait.
Me, using you?
You want to be a cheerleader more than
Hillary Clinton wants to be president.
That's the only reason
you even speak to me.
Do you think it's easy being me?
I am the most popular girl
in school.
And some would argue
the prettiest, too.
I've got nowhere to go but down.
And I know that every girl in this
school would crush me in a second
if she had the chance
to take my place.
I don't have any friends.
At least not any real ones.
I guess I'm all alone.
That's not true.
I'm here.
And you're right,
I was using you.
And I'm sorry.
I accept your apology.
Um, is there anything
you want to say to me?
Mm, don't do it again?
How about "I'm sorry
for using you, too, Bianca"?
Okay.
What you said.
And, um
I shouldn't have said
that about your mom.
Thanks.
You know, I kind of like you
when you're not ordering me around.
That's so sweet.
And I like you,
when you're not being whiny and insecure.
Oh.
No hugging.
And just an FYI.
I'm not making you a cheerleader
just 'cause you're my best friend.
Uh, okay.
So you're saying for my profile I should
specifically avoid saying I'm a gynecologist?
Yes.
Doctor is fine.
All right.
You're great at this.
Can I have your number?
I mean, I'd like more help
with my profile.
Can I be honest? First piece of advice,
you got to lose that ring.
Yeah, I know.
Would you believe that I've worn
it so long I think it's stuck?
Second piece of advice--
Butter.
I can't take it anymore.
Slap the shackles
on me and take me upriver.
There's no punishment
greater than the knowledge
that I caused people to lose
everything they care about.
Huh?
I started the fire.
It was a freak thing.
I miscalculated the trajectory
of the parabola.
Look, I don't know what your trip is, bro, but
they already caught the guys that started it.
Two college dudes
smoking some tasty cloves.
That's fantastic.
Oh, Bianca.
I'm so happy to see you.
I feel wonderful.
Let's hang out
and talk all night long.
Okay, but we can't
do anything too physical.
If I snag these clothes,
I'm dead meat.
Everyone, the fire
is officially contained.
You can all return
to your homes.
Thank God.
Now we don't have
to stay here and talk all night.
I'll see you tomorrow at school.
Bye, Cameron.
Look, I'm off-duty.
Fire's over.
So I guess I don't have to show you
what your boyfriend left for you.
He's not my boyfriend.
Over there.
Missy, lighten up.
I know a lot of cat ladies
who started out like you.
I'm so happy we can go home.
This evacuation has been
nothing but drama.
The fire is out, the house is safe.
No babies were born in the gym.
We may all return to our lives.
Come here, come here.
Life is great.
- Are you drunk?
- Only on life, my darling.
And $500 worth of wine.
I'm driving.