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>> RYAN: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy brahmin.
Welcome back, Internet people. My name is Ryan and today we are playing
Fallout: New Vegas.
We're clearing out critters apparently.
I'm not sure exactly where they are.
Oh my god, are those really scary...? I bet they're the really scary things
that I saw in that one spot over there. Oh, look at that
flickering mountain.
Flickering mountains are... wonderful.
I have to get down there very quickly I think.
Floomp. Floomp. Floomp. Floomp. Floomp.
Oh, it's just ants.
I can kill ants.
Come on, ant.
Die for me. Uh oh.
Uh oh, he's getting very close. Oh god. Oh god.
Ehh!
Oh, look at him go all up the air like that. That's realistic.
Eh. Eh. Ehh. Eh. Eh.
Sheesh, ants. What is the dealio?
Oh, I really need to fix my face. My face is awful. I miss my old face.
Why did I change it? What is wrong with me?
OK, so ants.
One: Why weren't these ants here before?
Like... I don't recall there being ants here.
Seems like the sort of thing you'd notice when you walk through for the first time,
right?
Imagine giant murderous ants trying to *** you.
That's what murderous things do, by the way. They try and *** you.
Just in case there was any confusion in the matter.
So, I talked to this person and that's what generated ants?
Maybe I should stop talking to people. I'm like that lady for ***, She Wrote.
Wherever that lady went someone's getting murdered. You can just tell.
But no one ever thinks it's her.
[laughs] Seriously, wherever that lady went.
What was her...? Jessica Fletcher was her name.
Wherever she went...
someone got murdered, and then she wrote about it.
How many episodes did that show get? Like 100 and no one was ever like,
"Oh, this lady might be killing these people.
She's like in the vicinity of hundreds of murders."
Because these are just the ones on the show, right?
Oh dear.
So, was that it?
Oh, wonderful.
Oh, I can... I can fast travel. I love fast travelling.
Foomp. Foomp. Oh, look at me. I'm teleporting the boring way.
>> Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! >> Watch out!
>> RYAN: What?
Watch out because of the mountain? It's probably the mountain. That's probably what they were
talking about.
Gun away, please.
Eh, out of my way.
I need to get upon a roof, I believe. Or no.
Who was it? Was it Jackson?
I think this one was Jackson.
Hello, Ranger Jackson.
>> I appreciate the help. I wish I had more work for you
but nothing else on the radar at the moment.
>> RYAN: OK. You mentioned a reward before?
>> No, I mentioned you might accidentally get supplied and I meant it.
Not allowed to contract mercenaries at the outpost.
Still, a requisition form or two can get lost and they're not going to come and check.
So here you go, just between us.
>> RYAN: Ooh. Some lunch. Lunches are delicious.
Um, service rifle? What am I using?
Why am I using a varmint rifle? What's wrong with me?
Service rifle it is.
OK, so...
What was the thing that I am also doing?
It was... recon the Nipton town hall for ranger... Oh, I'm going to Nipton.
OK, I can do that.
To Nipton with us, to Nipton!
[incredibly well timed and edited humming]
Oh, look. Nipton Searchlight East.
Oh, Searchlight is a differnt place. OK.
I thought maybe Nipton had a shortened name
but that doesn't make any sense.
Oh god, it's the middle of the night. I'm kind of scared.
I'm going to take out my service rifle
and have some lunch. Where's my lunch?
Delicious lunch! I want to eat some of you!
Lunch! Oh god.
Mm, lunch.
Oh, look at the... weather effects loading.
What is that? Is that a...? Is that a giant thing that I'm scared of?
Oh god, that is a thing.
Oh dear lord, that thing is *** huge.
Oh god. Ooh, a thistlebush.
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Oh no. Come on. You will protect me. You will protect me from the giant huge thing.
Uh oh.
Got to move slowly.
Shh, shh, shh, thistlebush. Thistlebush, shhh, shhh.
OK, come on. We're going to... sneak by...
Sneak by...
Oh my goodness, this is very, very scary!
Oh, what if he sees me? What will I do?
Eh, *** it, thistlebush! You're on your own!
Run!
[whimpering]
[breathing] OK, OK. I think we made it. I think we're good.
Look, fire.
I have discovered Nipton Road Pit Stop.
OK. Ow, don't shoot at me.
[whimpering]
Hello, Jackal Gang Member.
She just... cut her own throat.
I know my face is ugly but I didn't think it was that ugly.
No.
Oh god, I'm getting shot from over there.
This isn't... This isn't going well for Finklebrotten.
Oh god, they're everywhere.
This one's a zombie, though, so that's pretty cool.
Shooting them, shooting zombies.
It's not too bad. Oh, they're everywhere. Oh Christ.
Oh god. Oh, you're right there.
What are you doing to me,
brandishing that pipe? Oh god.
[whimper] Oh god.
That's not going to help.
OK, OK, I need...
I need some stimpaks, some delicious stimpaks
and some expl... Oh, do I have anything explosive?
I wonder if I could blow people up.
Yeah, sure. We'll just...
throw some dynamite at people.
Oh, look at that. That worked out quite well.
The guy was just sort of shooting at me while I was doing it but...
all in all I am impressed with my dynamanite.
Oh god, I'm about to die.
This battle is going very poorly for Finklebrotten.
Jesus. I'm just going to run away.
[whimpering]
You're not going to give up, are you?
Oh dear.
Oh god!
Yes, I know. I'm crippled.
Run away!
I am not strong enough to fight this battle! Run away!
I will come back for you. I will come back for all of you.
I probably won't come back for all of you.
Nipton!
Nipton, I need some soup to heal my wounds because that's how things work in RPGs is
you eat stuff and your wounds are healed.
Oh, soup and iced tea.
Is this Nipton?
This is Nipton. Oh, thank god.
What are you doing? Hello.
Hello? Oh...
Why is everything on fire?
Why is everything on fire? Hello?
>> Yeah! Who won the lottery? I did!
Smell that air! Can't you just drink it like ***!? [laughs]
>> RYAN: Nope, because air is air and *** is a liquid.
Are you feeling alright?
>> Are you kidding me? Never felt better! Yeah!
>> RYAN: What sort of lottery did you win?
>> What lottery? THE lottery, that's what lottery!
You stupid? Only lottery that matters. Oh, oh my god. Smell that air! Ha ha!
>> RYAN: Are you a Powder Ganger?
>> Powder Ganger? What? I mean, yeah, used to be, sure.
But not no more. Powder Gang's small time, man.
I'm a WINNER! I won the *** lottery! Ha ha ha!
>> RYAN: I need to get going. >> Bye.
>> RYAN: Um.
OK. Uh, that is just wonderful.
Nipton trading post.
There's a fire there but I'm just going to ignore it.
I am, however, going to take out my gun.
Hello...
Boxcars.
>> Are you *** kidding me?
First I get my legs smashed and then walks in the Powder Gangers' grim *** reaper.
What the *** have you got against us, man?
Jesus *** Christ. If you want me dead, just give me 15 *** Med-X and I'll ***
OD for you, OK? ***!
>> RYAN: This guy's pissed.
What happened to this town?
>> The Legion happened. What the ***'s it look like?
>> RYAN: Oh god. Um...
How did you survive?
>> Luck, that's how. I'm just that *** lucky.
You're looking at the second place winner of the Nipton lottery.
That *** Swanick took first place,
so him they let walk.
>> RYAN: Tell me about the lottery.
>> It ain't like we came to Nipton to play it.
Me and my crew had it worked out to kidnap some NCR troopers that come to town to get
laid. Had it all worked out with the scumbag mayor. We were going to ransom them off, keep
their weapons for ourselves, a nice score.
>> RYAN: How'd your plan go so wrong?
>> We get in position and next thing we know we're surrounded by those *** Legion freaks.
They dragged us and everybody else into the centre of town and that *** with the dog
on his head, he starts talking about how we're bad people. He said we needed to be punished
for what we did; not all of us, but some of us. And then he gives everyone a *** lottery
ticket.
>> RYAN: What happened after everyone got lottery tickets?
>> What do you think? He started drawing tickets and that's how people got punished.
First up were the lucky losers. They got decapitated. Guess that's lucky because it's quick.
Then came the crucifixions. God damn, those went on and on and on.
Third place runners up got enslaved.
I got the *** beat out of my legs, and the winner they let go free.
>> RYAN: Oh.
Um, hm. You said some of the people were enslaved?
>> Yeah. Bunch of those Legion *** dragged them off right away.
They were headed east, if you're feeling heroic.
>> RYAN: I'll do what I can to save them.
>> Don't act like you'd be doing me a favour. I don't give a ***.
>> RYAN: Why are you still here?
>> I don't-