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Dad, why aren't you dressed?
It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
Oh, I've been working nights.
My body clock's off.
I'm eating bacon
and eggs at night,
and drinking beer
in the morning.
That's what you always do.
Yeah, but now I'm tired
all the time.
There must
be some way
to end this fight with your boss.
What's the problem?
Oh, he wants me to date
his sister, and I won't do it,
so he's put me on graveyard until I cave.
He can't do that.
Why don't you file a complaint?
I'd just as soon keep it
just between the two of us.
I see. Is this woman
really so repulsive
that you're willing
to sacrifice all your nights
just to avoid
a date with her?
Well, let me put it this way:
Years of chewing tobacco
have discolored her tooth.
(laughs)
Someone left a book
of one-liners
in the Lost and Found.
Hey, Fras, there's
your friend again.
MAN ( on TV ):
...have seen his top-rated show.
Dr. Phil. Now meet
Dr. Phil McGraw in person.
I'll be talking
about life strategies
at the State Theater
Friday through Sunday.
Come join us.
It might just change your life.
Now, there's a doctor.
I never knew you were friends
with Dr. Phil.
Some years back,
we found ourselves
running into each other
at seminars and conferences.
He's an excellent therapist.
We had a bit of a clash
over ethics.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
What did you do,
sleep with a patient?
Not my ethics. His.
The man bilked me
out of $200 in a card game.
He did not bilk you.
It's called
a one-eyed jack.
Oh, yes, yes,
there is one eye.
But the other eye is there
by implication.
Therefore, the hand
should have been a do-over.
And you can ask Niles
about this, too.
Far as I'm concerned,
the man owes me $200.
This guy's so cheap,
he could squeeze a nickel
till the buffalo chokes.
(laughs)
Dad, exactly how old
is this book of one-liners?
How old?
You're asking me how old?
Well, I'll tell you how old.
1956.
Oh, Frasier,
Daphne told me
all about Dr. Phil.
Oh.
I can't believe
you know him.
Well...
You think you could
get me in backstage?
Roz, I really hadn't
planned on seeing him.
Oh. Jealous, huh?
Oh, it's okay, I understand.
I am most certainly
not jealous.
The man happens
to owe me $200.
Right.
But you know who
could help you
with your jealousy?
Dr. Phil.
He'd be, like...
"So your jealousy of me
has taken over your life.
How's that working for you?"
Yes.
And I'd be, like...
"Fine. My money, sir."
Oh, please?
Please do it for me? Please?
Well...
all right, all right.
Oh, thank you.
All right,
I'll see you at work.
Yeah, okay.
Here you go.
Oh.
I couldn't remember if you
wanted it black or not,
so I brought it
both ways.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
Thank you.
No, you might as well keep it.
You're paying for both.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Daph.
Niles.
Hello.
(gasps):
Oh, Nile
Mm-hmm?
Look who's here.
NILES:
Oh, isn't that adorable?
See this couple?
We-we've seen them
in the park a few times.
They're so sweet together.
We like to think they're us when we're older.
Look how Old Niles
still puts his jacket around
Old Daphne's shoulders.
Ooh! She's still
a saucy little kitten.
And I'll bet he still rolls overin the middle of the night...
Yes, the picture is gotten.
Thank you.
Oh, look. I think
I've found Old Frasier.
Oh, yeah.
I see.
Well, I hope the two of you will
understand if, in future,
I choose to knit scarves
only for myself.
Come on, we were only joking.
Yes, I know.
It's all in good fun.
Oh, Niles, I just
remembered. I've got...
Shut up!
Excuse me?
Shut up!
We're trying to knit.
(audience applauding)
ROZ:
Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil,
over here!
Roz, please!
At least attempt
to be cool
Phil! Phil!
Well, Frasier Crane,
is that you?
Most assuredly
Oh, that's
you all right.
So how are you?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
How's Robin?
She's great.
Can you believe it?
We're going on 27 years.
Oh, congratulations.
And how's Lilith?
Well, we've been divorced now for ten years.
Congratulations.
Hi. I'm Roz Doyle.
Oh, I'm sorry. Yes.
I'm Frasier's producer.
I just think you're wonderful.
I think your show is great,
and you're a truly wise man.
Do you know Tom Hanks?
Uh... no, but thanks
for the compliment.
Y'all come on through.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks.
Come on.
So, Frasier,
how's your show?
Oh, huge,
thank you.
We just added Spokane
last year.
And a station in Saint Paul
has agreed to let me
send them a tape.
Can you believe,
after all that time
we spent in the seminars,
that we both turned out
to be broadcasters?
Boy, those were
some good times,
weren't they?
Oh, indeed
they were.
Although sometimes
the fun and games...
were lacking in fun.
Are you still whining
about that 200 bucks?
Well, it's the principle
of the thing...
I tell you what,
I tell you what.
Why don't we just
discuss it over dinner?
Love to.
Can't.
I am so busy--
personal appearances,
and book signings,
and interviews--
I've got this agent
that's got me going 25/8
In fact, speak
of the devil,
here she comes
Phil, darling!
Oh! That was sensational!
Bebe?
Frasier!
And Roz, too.
You guys know each other?
She's my agent.
And she used
to be mine.
Phil, there's a swarm
of reporters
in your dressing room
waiting to talk to you.
I probably should be going, actually
But, Roz, it was really nice to meet you.
And Frasier,
tell you what,
let's do e-mail.
Okay.
Isn't
he marvelous?
He's a cowboy...
wrapped in a genius,
wrapped in a dream...
wrapped in another cowboy.
I cannot believe
that I have
the same agent as Dr. Phil!
Actually, you don't.
Somebody as big as Dr. Phil
needs all of my attention,
but rest assured, you are being handled ably
by an agent in whom I have the utmost confidence.
Who is it?
I want to say Tim...
I think I need
to make a phone call.
Yeah.
So, Bebe...
(chuckles)
however did
you land Dr. Phil?
We met about a year ago
at a charity
donkey basketball game.
Donkey basketball?
Texas, darling.
It's like the symphony to them
Long story short,
I gave him some advice
and, finally,
he hired me full-time.
Well, congratulations.
You can't imagine
the connections
I have these days.
If only you and I had...
Well...
that's water under the bridge, I guess.
It's fun catching up, but...
Phil's interviewing stylists for the Emmys.
Bye, Frasier.
What a phony, huh?
She used to be my phony.
Dad, do you think I did
the right thing changing agents?
I mean the one
I have now is fine,
but after I've seen
what Bebe's done for Phil,
I can't help wondering
if maybe I've denied myself access to a wider world.
Dad, are you all right?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I... I haven't talked
to anybody for a few days.
It feels kind of strange.
Even this is making me
a little uncomfortable.
Dad, you have got to stop
with the graveyard shifts
or you're going to start
seeing apparitions.
No, don't worry about me. I'm pretty tough.
Listen, I'd love to stay here talking to you,
but all this sunlight
is making me dizzy.
What, you don't like the sun?
Us night-shift guys call it...
"The Scare-Ball."
(doorbell rings)
Oh, Bebe.
Hello, darling.
I can across this old box
of Frasier strategy memos,
and I thought
I'd bring them by to you.
Gosh, I... I didn't realize there was so much.
And you thought I didn't work hard.
Now, now, there's no reason to take that tone.
Things have certainly worked out
for you, wouldn't you say?
Too true.
But... I can't be blamed for being a bit of a bitter Bebe.
No one likes
being tossed aside for a younger woman.
Oh, Bebe,
you know very well
I only changed agents
because you were ignoring me
in favor of another client.
I wasn't ignoring you,
I was merely getting
some much-needed
critical distance
for a final glorious
Frasierian push!
But let's not rehash the past.
Agreed.
We accomplished
too much together
to stop
being friends now.
True.
Frasier...
have you ever wondered
what it would be like...
if I could apply
what I've learned...
to you?
Yes, I have.
But it cannot be.
Can it?
Dangerous thoughts.
You're a siren...
luring me to the rocks.
But I must resist,
or you'll hurt me again.
No, I'm no siren!
I'm a man!
A man with ambitions!
Ambition!
The word is candy to me.
Damn you, devil man!
I must go!
I'm all confused and woozy!
I understand!
But what
about me?!
Very well.
Be at my hotel
tonight for dinner.
Perhaps you'll show me
just how serious you are.
I think I've
figured it out.
Bebe wants to have sex
with a human male
to bring about
the apocalypse.
Perhaps.
But here's my theory:
Bebe's had a thing for me for years.
Mm-hmm.
This, coupled with the fact
that control is
an aphrodisiac for her,
it's not surprising to find that she hopes
to parlay her advantage
into a *** conquest.
the promise of wealth
and exposure
lure you
into her bed?
It's not going to come to that
It's all about the dance
It's all about the possibility of sex-- the promise--
that's never delivered
that keeps them tantalized.
One only needs to know
how not to cross the line.
Excuse me, but didn't
you sleep with her once?
Yes. That's how I know
where the line is.
I almost feel sorry for her.
Just another helpless woman
suffering from
an unslakable thirst...
For Crane.
for Crane.
Still, I can't
help thinking
there's something
Faustian about
this whole thing.
(chuckling):
Faust was a moron.
I'm going to be a star.
Hi, Daph.
Hello.
A latte, please.
Hello, darling.
Hello.
Did you see who's here?
Yes.
I wonder if you'll still be stirring my coffee like that
when we're in our golden years.
Yes.
And I know that a touch
from you then
will be just as sweet
as it is today.
So this is where
you've been going!
And with this ***
from water aerobics!
Who are you?
I'm his wife.
You're married?
I can explain.
Don't bother, you worm!
You promised that was it the last time.
(knocking on door)
Frasier, come in.
(distant choir singing)
How did you know it was me?
I felt a certain
tingle in the ***.
Indeed.
Well, I see Phil
has landed you
in the lap of luxury.
Yes, it's a lovely suite.
Unfortunately,
there's some sort
of choir championship
this weekend,
and they practice at all hours.
Is it Madrigal Madness
already?
I had no idea it was
this close to Whitsun.
Please, darling, sit.
I'll pour the champagne.
Well, I... I suppose a drop wouldn't hurt.
So... have you given any thought
to taking me on again?
Yes, I have.
And I have to say there's almost nothing I'd enjoy more.
Wonderful.
But first...
let's talk about
what I'd enjoy more.
You want more than ten percent?
I want you.
And yes
to the other thing.
Gosh, Bebe...
I'm-I'm terribly flattered.
It-it's just that, um...
Frasier.
Hmm?
A few years ago I let down my guard
and succumbed to your advances.
You seduced me.
It changed me, Frasier.
If I crave your touch again,
you've only yourself to blame.
I'm not going to say that
you're not a beautiful woman.
But is it wise for us
to jump into a relationship?
I'm only talking about having a little fun.
After all, when I'm having fun, I'm happy.
When I'm happy, I work harder.
When I work harder, you become famous
and rich and powerful.
That's what you
want, isn't it-- fame and power?
Well, I... I like
to think of it
more as influence,
really, but...
I'll bet I can make you bigger than Dr. Phil.
Is that running
water I hear?
Yes. I'm steaming the wrinkles out of a dress.
Does it put you in mind
of a tropic night...
...a moonlit stroll,
the rhythmic
lapping of waves
against the shore?
You know, if it's silk,
the steam could damage it.
Wait right here.
.
I'd better open a window
Yes, darling.
Let the night in
while I slip into something a little more comfortable
Well, if you want comfortable,
how about that sweater ensemble
I saw you in this morning?
(choir singing ominous tune )
Bebe?
Join me, Frasier.
I'll make your dreams
come true.
But... at what cost?
What I'm offering you
is priceless.
Come, Frasier.
(ominous tune intensifies)
FRASIER:
I can't!
(yelling)
(shrieks)
(sighs heavily)
( dings )
(chuckles softly)
(whirring)
(whirring)
(imitates sizzling)
Roger. You are go for liftoff.
Godspeed, Martin Six.
(microwave dings)
Oh!
Aah!
What the hell's going on?
Oh, geez.
Just sort of a...
a... minor accident here.
But don't worry about it
Everything's under control
So, what time you want me
to pick up your sister?
Well, if it isn't the First Couple of radio.
I knew I could find you here.
Bebe, shouldn't you be
in Los Angeles with Dr. Phil?
That's up
to you, Frasier.
I don't understand.
Well, after our.
.. meeting last night
I had to ask myself a very difficult question:
Am I really that happy
with Dr. Phil
if I'm entertaining thoughts of returning to you?
Are you saying
you'll have me back?
How could I refuse you?
Dr. Phil has been amusing,
but I need a project.
I need a Frasier Crane.
Well, that's...
that's wonderful.
Incidentally,
Dr. Phil paid me 15%.
Well, as will Dr. Frasier.
I've just got one
very difficult call
to make to my agent.
Already handled.
I also took the liberty
of calling Spokane.
The terms of your deal there
were worse than abysmal.
Great. Great.
You got me more money!
No, they wouldn't budge,
so you quit.
You're no longer on in Spokane. Isn't that exciting?
Wait a minute.
That is a step backwards.
All the better
to get a running start.
In my opinion,
the future is firmly
in front of us.
Congratulations,
Frasier.
Oh, thank you, Bebe.
Thank you so much.
I'll call you tomorrow.
I'll be waiting.
Gosh! Roz, isn'’t that great news?
I feel like a weight
has been lifted from me.
Oh, it's marvelous!
She's charging you more money, and we just lost Spokane.
Big picture: the future is firmly in front of me.
Isn't the future
always in front of you?
Yes... but not firmly.
Well, my little lamb
has bleated his way back to me
So my debt i
We don't have to keep
pretending you're my agent?
We're square, darling.
And maybe next time
you gamble with Bebe...
you'll pay your debts
with cash.
See, the problem is,
my wife looks
at the bank statements,
and if she knew I was
losing money playing cards,
she would kill me.
So, your wife doesn't know you play poker?
I don't tell her everything.
I see.
And how's that
working for you?
Just deal the cards.
♪♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-calling ♪
♪
♪♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ Mercy ♪♪
♪♪ And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Yeah, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughs)
♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do
♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad
s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They'’’re calling again
. ♪♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, Seattle!
We love you!