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"Hi, welcome home."
If I say "home" she'll think I want her to move in.
"Hi, welcome back to America."
Now I'm a tour guide. "So, three months in Germany, huh? How'd that go?"
Now I'm a game show host. Just...
...relax. It's gonna be...corkscrew.
[doorbell] Oh, ***.
You have a corkscrew, and you look exactly like me.
I don't look like you at all. See? I have a mustache.
No, you really don't.
I was just standing in the mirror and this is exactly what I saw staring back at me
except the man in the mirror was better dressed.
And the other way around.
Well, it was a reflection, so it was reversed.
Yeah, that's...that's great (!)
Now who the hell are you and how did you know I needed a corkscrew?
I should've thought this thing through.
Are you my long lost twin or something?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'll do.
I knew it!
I always knew I had a twin running around out there somewhere.
I've sensed it ever since I was a kid.
Yeah, well that's probably an overactive imagination.
This is an amazing moment.
And the product of a lonely childhood. Are you going to let me in?
I really don't have time. I mean, this is...
...momentous! Incredible! I'm sure we have a lot to talk about, but...
You really chose the wrong moment to arrive. I have a really important date. She's gonna be here any minute.
She's gonna be 15 minutes late.
Oh no, if she was gonna be late she would've called me. [phone vibrates]
Sorry, I have to get that.
Hello! Oh.
Okay, where are you now? So how long are you going to be?
- About 15 minutes. - Shh!
What's that? 15 minutes? Okay, I'll see you soon.
Well, she's gonna be late, so...
Wait a minute. How'd you do that?
That's incredible. You hear about this kind of thing, don't you?
Hear about what?
Twins! Mental telepathy and all that!
Oh yeah, no, you hear about that.
I'm not giving you the corkscrew until you let me in.
Oh! Right.
So!
- So. - So you have to tell me everything!
Where you've been all these years, how you found me, what you've been doing with your life...
Mind if I use your bathroom?
No, that's fine, it's, uh...
[corkscrew lands on table] I know where it is.
Wow, that mental telepathy thing really is something else.
Perfect! The perfect day!
Girl of my dreams back my life after three months, and I get my very own twin brother!
I suppose I should ask him his name.
I can't do this. Listen -
Do you think I should leave the corkscrew on the table, or should I hide it out of the way until we need it?
I'm not your twin brother!
I don't really do this sort of thing very much. I'm not really au fait with corkscrew etiquette.
Listen to me! I'm not your twin!
Well, of course you're my twin. You look exactly like me.
And the corkscrew. Telepathy. Mind power.
Oh my God, you're so naive. You're way out of your depth here.
Oh, and who are you, Mr. Maturity? What are you, three minutes older than me or something?
Two weeks.
Two weeks. Jeez. Poor Mom.
I'm not your twin, ***! I'm you! Two weeks older, two weeks wiser.
And I have some advice, so you better listen.
I was gonna do it in disguise with the... - The mustache!
And I was going to gain your trust with the...
Corkscrew. Right. Got it.
Hey! This is our first twin joke, huh?
It's not a joke.
Oh. So...
I invent time travel in the next two weeks. Go me.
Listen, I'm telling you, time travel becomes possible in the next two weeks.
You don't invent it, everyone's doing it.
What, and everyone's really calm about it?
We freaked out a little at first, but you know, you adjust.
Huh.
How else do you explain it? The looking the same, the corkscrew, knowing Jen would be 15 minutes late?
- Telepathy! - I knew you'd say that.
- Exactly! - I know you knocked one out in the bathroom earlier in case you got lucky tonight.
Okay, I'm listening.
Good.
So time travel becomes a widespread phenomenon in the next two weeks?
It's a new iPhone app.
Oh.
Well, that does make sense.
It's called Flux Capacitor. You should keep an eye out for it.
I will. So what is this advice you're burning to tell me?
Oh, that.
All this? It's...
It's nice, but don't try too hard. Okay?
Well, I'll be going.
Wait. What does that mean, don't try too hard? Don't try too hard with what?
I mean lower your expectations.
- You understand? - I'm about to see the woman I love for the first time in months.
- What are you trying to tell me? - I don't know if I should say any more.
- You really didn't think this through, did you. - I only just downloaded the app yesterday!
I didn't have time to plan! Look -
People change. Okay? Look at me.
What do you think Jen's gonna be like after all those months in Europe, meeting new people, all these new experience?
You're saying it doesn't work out.
I need a drink.
Corkscrew's on the...
I know where the damn corkscrew is! Jesus.
Sorry. I'll find my way out.
You never were good at that. Give it here.
Another thing you've become an expert on in a fortnight.
Heartbreak gives you practice. There you are.
What gives you the right?
Excuse me?
What gives you the right to come in here and *** on my parade?
I was just trying to save you some hurt.
No you weren't! You were trying to offload your own.
I'm about to spend the perfect evening with a perfect woman, and...wait.
- Look at her. - No. - Look at her!
She's a beautiful, intelligent, vibrant, fascinating woman.
And you know what? Who cares if it doesn't work out. I mean, what would you prefer. One night believing it could.
Or having your hopes shattered before you start out.
Oh, and the moral of this story is?
You know what? Forget it. I'm gonna have myself a good time. I'm gonna enjoy what I have while I have it, and you can keep your...
Look at her! Who wouldn't want to spend some time with that woman?
You're right.
What are you doing?
[doorbell]
It's good to see you. Come on in.