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Hey everyone, how's it going?
Don't actually answer that question, this is pre-recorded,
you'll just make yourself look like an idiot.
Speaking of idiots, allow me to introduce you to my robot assistant...
Eugh... "Robot Pattinson".
I want you to know I didn't name him that, or build him to look like this.
Someone was selling a cheap robot assistant on Gumtree, and when I met the guy
he was wearing a Twilight t-shirt, and... Well...
He had this weird limp, like... Well,
like someone who'd injured his wee man trying to have sex with a robot, right? I don't know.
The guy was a bit creepy, and Robot Pattinson here is REALLY creepy,
but I was in need ofa robot assistant and the price was right
so I just don't ask any questions about his past and I try to get on with it like there's nothing weird going on here.
I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same. Anyway, say hi to the people, Robot!
WELL, HELLO THERE BOYS! AND GIRLS. I AM ROBOT PATTINSON.
My name's Lev, and this is my room! From here I'll be hitting you up with the straight dope
on various movies, video games, comic books and whatever else I feel like talking about.
Hence, this is Room With A Review!
I'll just pause for a moment to allow you to applaud this incredibly witty title.
[applause]
Right, that's enough! Too much praise will make me lose the trademark humbleness that
everyone I ever meet loves about me so damn much.
Today I want to talk to you about The Wolverine, which I'm scoring a solid 3.75 out of 5.
STARTING a review with a score may be a little unorthodox, since most people like to put that at the
end, but to be honest it's been a few weeks since I saw the movie and the only thing I
remember very clearly about it now is that I walked out of the cinema thinking
"that felt like a 3.75 out of 5 film".
The other thing I remember really clearly about The Wolverine is seeing the posters
on the sides of buses EVERYWHERE leading up to its release. After the incredible disappointment
of X-Men Origins: Wolverine less than 5 years earlier and the greatness that was
X-Men: First Class, I was skeptical about the X-Men movie franchise returning to the "modern day"
X-Men and was more eager to see a continuation of the 1960s era, and this shoddy poster bumbling
down the road everywhere I looked did nothing to abate my concerns. I used to look at it
and think to myself "why the *** is Wolverine holding a sword"? He basically has THREE tiny
swords on EACH HAND and has NEVER had any need for an extra cutting implement before.
Seeing this image of Wolverine holding a sword just looked out of place to me, and reminded
me of when I was a kid and my mum would get me, like, fake Ninja Turtles action figures
where Leonardo has baseball bats instead of swords and Raphael has, like,
a *** meat cleaver or some *** instead of sais.
I felt some sense of immediate relief when I went to see The Wolverine and realised it
was going to be largely set in Japan. EVERYONE has swords in Japan. It makes sense now.
And it's a good thing Wolverine has that extra weaponry with him, because the guy is a total
*** bumbling oaf and manages to get shot and stabbed in fatal places about 40 times
throughout the course of the film. Thank Christ he has that mutant healing ability or he'd be ***.
Logan wouldn't last two minutes as Batman!
if you're wondering, all that shooting and stabbing I just mentioned DOES mean there's
a LOT of action in this film - at times maybe a bit TOO MUCH action, as the quick-cutting
fight scenes can be a bit much to keep track of - and arguaWAGHbly the most exciting moment
in the film comes when Wolvy battles it out with Japanese thugs atop a speeding bullet train.
These scenes, built largely around Wolverine and his opponents trying to jump and duck
to avoid various obstacles, can come off a bit like someone just played a quick-time event
in a PS2 game and decided to make a film about it, but the speed of things keeps it interesting.
Overall, The Wolverine was pretty tight. It was DEFINITELY better than
X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but the other day my girlfriend stood on a bee and it stung her on the toe
and it made her toe look a bit bigger, like something out of a Ludacris music video, and
The Wolverine wasn't as good as that. Once again, I rate The Wolverine 3.75 out of 5, and I rate
my girlfriend getting stung in the toe "BEE" out of "HIVE".
WAS HIS NAME TOBY?
Eh?
I SAID, WAS HIS NAME TOBY?
Was whose name Toby?
THE BEE. I'M SAYING, HIS NAME COULD BE TOBY. BECAUSE HE IS A BEE AND HE STUNG YOUR GIRLFRIEND
ON THE TOE. YOU KNOW, SO YOU HAVE "TOE" AND YOU HAVE "BEE"...
Aye aye, I get it, I get it. Remind me to rewire your humour circuitry, or at least
disable your speech capabilities before the next episode.
I AM SORRY, BOSS. I WILL NOT SPEAK OUT OF TURN AGAIN.
And, speaking of not talking any more, that's all there is for this episode of Room With A Review.
Catch ye later!
GOODBYE, EVERY...
SHUTTUP, YE TALK WHEN I SAY YE TALK!