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YOU BEEN HAVING CHEST PAINS
LATELY?
RANDALL: SOMETIMES MY HEART
BEATS FUNNY AND I HAVE TROUBLE
BREATHING, BUT NO PROBLEMS OTHER
THAN THAT.
DR. CLINKSCALE: I WANT YOU TO
COME IN TOMORROW.
I'D LIKE TO RUN SOME TESTS.
RANDALL: AS LONG AS IT WON'T
TAKE TOO LONG.
I'M A VERY BUSY MAN.
I SERVE THE COMMUNITY, AND
WITHOUT MY WORK, THE ENTIRE
INFRASTRUCTURE WOULD FALL APART.
RANDALL'S VOICE: DEAR PRESIDENT
WALLACE,
YOU MAY NOT KNOW ME BY NAME, BUT
I'M SURE YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH MY
WORK.
EVERY DAY EXCEPT SUNDAY.
SOME PEOPLE MIGHT CALL ME A
WORKAHOLIC, BUT I STILL KNOW HOW
TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN.
BECAUSE FOR ME, WORK IS FUN.
I GET TO BE OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.
GROUNDSKEEPER: HOWDY, RANDALL!
RANDALL'S VOICE: I MAKE LOTS OF
FRIENDS.
BUT BEST OF ALL, I KNOW THAT I'M
MAKING A DIFFERENCE.
BECAUSE WITHOUT PARKING
ENFORCEMENT, THERE WOULD BE
COMPLETE CHAOS, AND THERE'S
NOTHING WORSE THAN THAT.
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: THANK YOU.
RANDALL'S VOICE: BUT DON'T THINK
MY LIFE'S ALL FUN AND GAMES.
I STILL HAVE MY CROSSES TO BEAR.
TODD: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RANDALL: I'M A PARKING
ENFORCEMENT OFFICER.
IT'S MY DUTY TO ENFORCE PARKING.
TODD: WELL, THIS IS MY TRUCK.
YOU DO KNOW WHO I AM?
RANDALL: OH, YEAH, YOU'RE TODD
AMSTELL, THE O TECH QUARTERBACK.
THAT WAS A GREAT GAME LAST
WEEKEND.
I'M RANDALL.
TODD: THANKS, RANDALL.
THAT'S ONE FOR THE TEAM.
RANDALL: I'M SURE YOU'RE AWARE
THAT YOU JUST COMMITTED THREE
PARKING VIOLATIONS.
TODD: REALLY?
HOW AWFUL.
LET ME SEE THAT.
RANDALL: I DON'T THINK YOU
UNDERSTAND THE SERIOUSNESS OF
THE SITUATION.
WHAT IF THERE WAS A FIRE, AND AN
EMERGENCY VEHICLE COULDN'T GET
THROUGH?
TODD: WELL, THEN I GUESS WE'D
ALL JUST BURN UP.
RANDALL'S VOICE: I DON'T WORRY
TOO MUCH ABOUT THE TROUBLEMAKERS
THOUGH.
BECAUSE WHEN I TURN IN MY CARBON
COPIES AT THE END OF THE DAY,
EVERYONE GETS TREATED THE SAME.
AND BESIDES, NO MATTER HOW
STRESSED OUT I GET, WHEN SIX
O'CLOCK ROLLS AROUND, I GET TO
UNWIND AT MY FAVORITE PLACE ON
EARTH.
OLI: RANDALL!
I'M OUT OF TOMATOES.
RANDALL: WOW.
OLI: EARTH TO RANDALL.
WHAT'LL IT BE TODAY, THE USUAL?
RANDALL: YEAH, CHICKEN SALAD
SANDWICH ON WHOLE WHEAT AND --
BRENDA/RANDALL: HOLD THE
TOMATOES.
OLI: SO HOW'S THE NEW SCHOOL
YEAR TREATING YOU?
THOSE KIDS STILL GIVING YOU
HELL?
RANDALL: SAME AS LAST YEAR,
EXCEPT NOW THERE'S A WHOLE NEW
BATCH OF SMART ALECKS THINK THAT
CAN GET AWAY WITH ***.
OLI: YOU WANNA SEE ***, TRY
WORKING IN A SANDWICH SHOP.
RANDALL: HI, BRENDA.
BRENDA: ANYTHING ELSE TODAY, MR.
ZIMMERMAN?
RANDALL: NO, THAT'LL DO IT.
HEY, HOW DO YOU CUT SO SMOOTH?
BRENDA: EXCUSE ME?
RANDALL: WELL, THE TOMATOES.
I NEVER REALLY CARED FOR THEM
MYSELF, BUT YOU CUT THEM SO
PERFECTLY, LIKE A DANCER.
BRENDA: MOST PEOPLE DON'T
NOTICE.
RANDALL: WELL, THEY SHOULD.
BRENDA: BYE, RANDALL.
RANDALL: BYE.
TODD: HEY, LOSER, WHY DON'T YOU
TRY TICKETING MY ***?
FOOTBALL PLAYER: OOPS, SORRY!
JAY: OH, YEAH?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK
HERE, AND MAYBE I WILL!
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
TODD: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
JAY: GREAT GAME LAST WEEKEND.
WAY TO BEAT TEXAS.
FOOTBALL PLAYER: HEY, TODD,
DUDE, LET'S JUST GO.
SECOND FOOTBALL PLAYER: HE'S
JUST A LOUSY JANITOR ANYWAY.
RANDALL: YOU ALMOST GOT YOURSELF
KILLED!
JAY: I COULD HAVE TAKEN THEM.
OH, NO.
NO, DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY.
I GOT THE STUFF RIGHT HERE.
I GOT JUST THE THING.
HEY, WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT?
RANDALL: I'VE GOT TO DO THE
WHOLE BIRTHDAY AT MOM'S HOUSE.
JAY: BUT RAN, IT'S DEATH SKATE
3000 TURBO EDITION.
RANDALL: YEAH, SASHA'D KILL ME
IF I DIDN'T GO.
JAY: IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
RANDALL: I'M SORRY, JAY.
JAY: FINE, I'LL COME OVER AND
WE'LL PLAY IT THERE.
RANDALL: OH, YOU KNOW MOM
DOESN'T REALLY --
JAY: AWESOME.
RANDALL: NO, BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T
--
JAY: I SAID AWESOME.
RANDALL: OKAY.
RANDALL'S VOICE: THERE'S JUST
ONE THING IN MY LIFE THAT REALLY
IRKS ME -- THE PARKING
ENFORCEMENT LOOPHOLE.
YOU CAN'T BE TICKETED FOR
PARKING IN FRONT OF A BROKEN
METER.
OLD OHS4957 HAS BEEN IN THAT
SPOT FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS OR
WHERE HE CAME FROM.
BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING.
I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THAT METER
IS FIXED AND JUSTICE IS SERVED.
[KNOCKING]
MR. CHESWORTH: OH, RANDALL, GET
IN HERE.
DO YOU THINK THIS MOUSTACHE
LOOKS GOOD?
RANDALL: UM, I GUESS.
MR. CHESWORTH: MAYBE A LITTLE
THICKER, HUH?
RANDALL: MR. CHESWORTH, THERE'S
SOMETHING I NEED TO ASK YOU.
MR. CHESWORTH: IT'S NOT ABOUT
THAT DAMN METER AGAIN, IS IT?
RANDALL: IT'S JUST THAT, WELL,
YOU SAID THAT IT WOULD GET
FIXED.
MR. CHESWORTH: RANDALL, YOU KNOW
I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT.
ALL I CAN TELL YOU TO DO IS JUST
--
RANDALL: I KNOW, I KNOW.
WRITE ANOTHER LETTER TO
PRESIDENT WALLACE.
MR. CHESWORTH: IF YOU WANT TO
GET THE PROBLEM FIXED, YOU'VE
GOT TO TALK TO THE BIGWIGS.
THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES WITH THE
POWER TO GET THINGS DONE.
RANDALL: IF ONLY IT WERE THAT
EASY.
MR. CHESWORTH: AW, ***, THAT
STUFF'S PERMANENT.
RANDALL'S VOICE: SASHA AND I
HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR THREE
YEARS, AND SHE STILL DOESN'T
KNOW THAT I DON'T LIKE TOMATOES.
I NEVER HAD THE HEART TO TELL
HER.
SASHA: I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY,
BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE ONE
KILLER MEAL.
SALADE DE TOMATES -- IT'S
FRENCH.
RANDALL'S VOICE: FORTUNATELY, I
WAS STILL FULL FROM THE
SANDWICH.
MY SECOND FAVORITE PART OF THE
DAY.
SASHA: I BROUGHT YOUR MAIL IN.
OH, LOOK!
ASHLEY AND JOEL ARE GETTING
MARRIED.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,
RANDALL?
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THEM
GETTING MARRIED?
RANDALL: THAT'S NICE.
WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET THEM
SOMETHING.
SASHA: WHY WON'T YOU MARRY ME,
RANDALL?
I MEAN, WE PRACTICALLY LIVE
TOGETHER ALREADY.
MY DOCTOR SAYS IT'S BECAUSE YOU
DON'T LOVE ME ENOUGH.
HE SAYS MEN USE PROCRASTINATION
AND FEAR OF COMMITMENT AS A
CRUTCH, AS A WAY TO HOLD ONTO
CERTAIN BENEFITS, WHILE STILL
REMAINING AVAILABLE FOR WHEN THE
RIGHT WOMAN DOES COME ALONG.
IS THAT TRUE?
RANDALL, ARE YOU JUST USING ME
AS A PLACE HOLDER?
RANDALL: I JUST DON'T SEE ANY
POINT IN RUSHING THINGS, THAT'S
ALL.
TV ANNOUNCER: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT IS A SPECIAL
NIGHT, BECAUSE NOT ONLY AM I
REDUCING THE PRICE BY HALF -- I
AM ALSO GOING TO THROW IN THE
HORSE CLOCK FOR FREE.
[HORSE WHINNYING]
JUST THINK, EVERY HOUR A
DIFFERENT HORSE SOUND, BUT ONLY
IF YOU CALL NOW.
[DOORBELL]
TV ANNOUNCER: OPERATORS ARE
STANDING BY.
CORINNA: RANDALL!
I MADE HAMBURGER GRAVY, YOUR
FAVORITE.
SASHA: HE GAVE HIM A TICKET.
RANDALL: YEAH, I GAVE HIM THREE
CITATIONS.
HE WAS VERY RECKLESSLY PARKED.
CORINNA: WOW, MY BOY TICKETED
THE O TECH QUARTERBACK.
AFTER THE PRESENTS WE CAN GET
OUT THE PHOTO ALBUM.
RANDALL WAS SUCH A CUTE BABY.
SASHA: YOU'VE HARDLY TOUCHED
YOUR SALAD.
RANDALL: OH, I'M SAVING THE BEST
FOR LAST.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
CORINNA: I'LL GET IT.
[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]
CORINNA: TURN THAT GARBAGE DOWN!
LOOK, CAN'T YOU SEE WE'VE GOT
NEIGHBORS?
JAY: IS RANDALL HOME?
RAN MY MAN!
RANDALL: HEY, JAY.
CORINNA: HOW'S YOUR MOTHER,
JACOB?
JAY: AWESOME.
RANDALL, GUESS WHAT I BROUGHT?
ARE YOU READY TO KICK SOME ***?
CORINNA: JACOB!
JAY: I'M SORRY, MRS. ZIMMERMAN.
RANDALL: UM, WE HAVEN'T DONE THE
CAKE YET.
CORINNA: WE'LL SAVE YOU SOME.
GO ON.
YOU CAN USE YOUR FATHER'S
TELEVISION.
GOODNESS KNOWS THERE'S NO
RECEPTION WHERE HE'S AT.
JAY: I GET PLAYER B!
RANDALL: OH, NO!
SASHA: HAPPY --
CORINNA: OH, THEY'LL BE BACK.
THEY DO LOVE THOSE GAMES.
[VIDEO GAME GUNSHOTS]
JAY: COME ON, BRING IT.
OH, YEAH!
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEAT ME!
TAKE THAT, ***!
HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, RAN?
IT'S JUST A GAME.
RANDALL: YEAH, START OVER.
DR. CLINKSCALE: I'LL BE FRANK.
IT'S NOT GOOD.
YOU HAVE IDIOPATHIC
CARDIOMYOPATHY.
IT'S A BAD HEART.
I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT'LL
LAST.
IT MAY BE A YEAR.
COULD HAPPEN TOMORROW.
ORDINARILY, WE WOULD OPT FOR A
HEART TRANSPLANT.
THE TROUBLE IS YOU'RE AB
NEGATIVE -- NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE
TO FIND A SUITABLE DONOR.
HERE, TAKE THIS.
I KNOW IT MAY TAKE A WHILE FOR
THIS TO SINK IN, BUT THERE ARE
SEVERAL SUPPORT GROUPS WHO CAN
HELP YOU.
IT'S ALL THERE IN THE BOOK.
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR
ME?
RANDALL: IS THIS GOING TO AFFECT
MY WORK?
DR. CLINKSCALE: YOU DO
UNDERSTAND WHAT THE WORD
TERMINAL MEANS?
RANDALL: I KNOW.
BUT BEFORE I DIE, IS IT OKAY TO
WORK UNTIL THEN?
DR. CLINKSCALE: JUST TAKE IT
EASY, OKAY?
NOW WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?
YOU WANT ME TO TELL THEM?
RANDALL: NO.
NO, I'LL DO IT.
DR. CLINKSCALE: GOOD, GOOD.
I'D LIKE TO GET YOU A
DEFIBRILLATOR AS SOON AS
POSSIBLE.
IT REQUIRES AN OPERATION.
HOW DOES TOMORROW AFTERNOON LOOK
FOR YOU?
RANDALL'S VOICE: IT'S A LITTLE
WEIRD FINDING OUT YOU'RE GOING
TO DIE.
NOT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT.
THEN AGAIN, I GUESS WE'RE ALL
TERMINAL IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
SASHA: I'M SPENDING THE NIGHT.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND LEFTOVERS.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
RANDALL: YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
RANDALL'S VOICE: THERE WAS JUST
ONE THING I JUST COULDN'T GET
OUT OF MY HEAD.
I HAD TO GET THAT METER FIXED,
BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE.
RANDALL: MR. CHESWORTH?
I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
MR. CHESWORTH: NO PROBLEM.
I COULD USE A BREAK.
GREAT JOB OUT THERE TODAY.
YOU FILLED UP TWO WHOLE TICKET
BOOKS.
OH, BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE
IT EASY ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM
THOUGH, HUH?
RANDALL: MR. CHESWORTH, THIS IS
THE 12TH LETTER THAT I'VE
WRITTEN PRESIDENT WALLACE.
WOULD YOU PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT
HE GETS IT?
MR. CHESWORTH: OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU, RANDALL.
ALWAYS A GO-GETTER.
TODD: HEY, METER MAID.
I SAID, METER MAID.
RANDALL: ACTUALLY, WE ACTUALLY
REFER TO OURSELVES AS PARKING
ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS.
TODD: WELL, I HEARD YOU REPORTED
ME TO THE MAN.
RANDALL: I TREATED YOU NO
DIFFERENT THAN I TREAT EVERYONE
ELSE.
TODD: YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT
EVERYONE ELSE.
I'M TODD AMSTELL.
YOU GOT THAT?
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: THEY'RE ALL
THE SAME.
MY STUDENTS, FOR INSTANCE.
THEY PAY ALL THIS MONEY TO COME
HERE, AND YET WHEN YOU ASSIGN
THEM A SIMPLE POEM TO READ, THEY
ACT AS IF YOU'VE ASKED THEM TO
SLIT THEIR WRISTS.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ABLE TO STAND UP
TO THEM.
IT TAKES CHARACTER.
RANDALL: PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER
YOU IF YOU LET THEM.
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: WELL, WE ALL
FACE UPHILL BATTLES IN THE
ARCHAIC HIERARCHY OF UNIVERSITY
LIFE.
I LIVE IN A TWO BEDROOM CONDO,
FOR INSTANCE -- FIT WITH WALK-IN
CLOSETS AND STATE-OF-THE-ART
APPLIANCES, GRANTED -- BUT
PRESIDENT WALLACE LIVES OVER
THERE.
HAS HE EVER TAUGHT A CLASS?
EVER COMFORTED A CRYING STUDENT?
THEN WHY THE OVERWHELMING
DISPARITY?
POLITICS, MY BOY.
PURE POLITICS.
SOMETHING THE MATTER?
RANDALL: PROFESSOR GRIFFIN,
YOU'RE A VERY LEARNED MAN.
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: WELL, SOME
MIGHT SAY THAT TWO MASTERS AND A
PH.D. CONSTITUTE "LEARNED."
RANDALL: DO YOU KNOW MUCH ABOUT
--
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO
PEOPLE AFTER THEY DIE?
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: THINKING OF
OLD MORTALITY, ARE WE?
OF COURSE, SOMEONE IN YOUR
POSITION MUST SURELY SEE THE
OMNIPRESENCE OF LIFE'S TICKING
CLOCK.
THE PARKING METER.
YOU CAN KEEP FEEDING IT
QUARTERS, BUT EVENTUALLY, YOU'LL
RUN OUT OF CHANGE, AND THEN WHAT
HAPPENS?
RANDALL: THE METER EXPIRES.
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: EXACTLY.
JOHN DONNE.
I WAS GOING TO GIVE IT TO MY
STUDENTS, BUT WHY BOTHER?
WOMAN: YOU IN LINE?
RANDALL: YEAH.
TREVOR: WHITE OR WHEAT?
RANDALL: YOU'RE NOT BRENDA.
TREVOR: NO ***.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ON YOUR
SANDWICH?
RANDALL: I'LL JUST HAVE A WATER?
AS EAST AND WEST
IN ALL FLAT MAPS AND I AM ONE --
ARE ONE,
SO DEATH DOTH TOUCH RESURRECTION
--
BRENDA: NO TOMATOES.
RANDALL: WOW.
BRENDA: JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE
IT.
RANDALL: I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE SO
PERFECT.
SOMEBODY OUGHT TO FRAME THAT.
I CAN'T.
I'VE GOT TO GO IN FOR SURGERY
TODAY, AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO
EAT ANYTHING.
BRENDA: OH.
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
RANDALL: UM, IT'S JUST SOMETHING
THAT A FRIEND GAVE ME.
BRENDA: YOU KNOW, I USED TO KNOW
A LITTLE POETRY MYSELF.
TIGER, TIGER, BURNING BRIGHT
IN THE FORESTS OF THE NIGHT
WHAT IMMORTAL HAND OR EYE
RANDALL/BRENDA: COULD FRAME THY
FEARFUL SYMMETRY?
BRENDA: YOU KNOW IT?
RANDALL: SURE.
I ALWAYS DID LOVE TIGERS.
BRENDA: YEAH, ME TOO.
[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]
RANDALL: DO YOU MIND?
JAY: SORRY.
I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS GIVING A
RIDE TO THE CHIEF DEPUTY OF THE
NOISE PATROL.
RANDALL: YOU WANT A SANDWICH.
JAY: SWEET!
WHAT KIND?
RANDALL: IT'S CHICKEN SALAD.
HEY, I NEED YOU TO DO ME FAVOR.
I NEED A RIDE TO THE DOCTOR'S
OFFICE.
JAY: AGAIN?
RANDALL: I GOT TO HAVE A TOOTH
PULLED.
RANDALL: HOW MANY KINDS OF
HEPATITIS ARE THERE ANYWAY?
JAY: JUST PUT NO.
JUST NO FOR EVERYTHING.
RANDALL: NO, I HAVE TO READ IT
FIRST.
[DRUMMING SOUNDS]
YOU KNOW, I TOLD YOU YOU DON'T
HAVE TO STICK AROUND HERE.
IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE A FEW
HOURS.
JAY: OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
LIKE, A ROOT CANAL?
NURSE: ALMOST FINISHED, MR.
ZIMMERMAN?
RANDALL: ALL DONE.
[PHONE RINGS]
CORINNA: HELLO?
JAY: YES!
SASHA: WHERE'S RANDALL?
JAY: RELAX.
HE'S WITH THE DENTIST.
SASHA: LET ME GUESS -- HE DIDN'T
TELL YOU EITHER.
RANDALL IS DYING!
JAY: WHOA!
CORINNA: AM I TOO LATE?
SASHA: I JUST GOT HERE.
NURSE: RANDALL IS OUT OF SURGERY
NOW.
WAIT, NO, YOU CAN'T GO BACK
THERE!
EXCUSE ME!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO --
SASHA: DEAR GOD, RANDALL, I HAD
NO IDEA.
CORINNA: MY BABY, MY PRECIOUS
BABY.
JAY: DUDE, THAT NURSE WAS HOT!
SASHA: I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A
LOT, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO
DO.
CORINNA: WE CAN DO SOMETHING.
I KNOW WE CAN FIGHT THIS.
JAY: MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOT
TO DO?
I MEAN, BEFORE YOU DIE?
CORINNA: WE ARE GONNA FIND A
CURE.
JAY: LIVE, BABY.
LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
SASHA: I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY.
DR. CLINKSCALE: HELLO, RANDALL.
LOOKS LIKE YOU HAD A NICE NAP.
NOW I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU
EAT HEALTHY.
TRY TO AVOID STRESS.
OH, YOU REALLY SHOULD GO TO THAT
SUPPORT GROUP I MENTIONED.
IT'S NICE TO HAVE SOMEBODY TO
TALK TO AT A TIME LIKE THIS.
NOT GOOD TO BE ALONE.
SASHA: WELL, NATURALLY, I'LL
TAKE IT OVER FROM HERE.
CORINNA: WELL, THAT MAKES
PERFECT SENSE.
SASHA: RANDALL'S A GROWN MAN.
HE NEEDS THE LOVE OF HIS WOMAN
TO GET HIM THROUGH THIS.
JAY: COOL IT, LADIES.
I KNOW WHAT RAN NEEDS, AND IT
AIN'T APPROPRIATE FOR YOUNG
VIEWERS.
NURSE: YOU SURE THERE'S NOT
SOMEONE I CAN CALL TO COME PICK
YOU UP?
RANDALL: NO, I'M OKAY.
RANDALL'S VOICE: I PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE TOLD THEM EARLIER.
I JUST DIDN'T WANT THEM TO
WORRY.
[PHONE RINGS]
SASHA: NO, HE ISN'T HERE EITHER.
I'LL CALL JAY.
[PHONE RINGS OVER LOUD ROCK
MUSIC]
TREVOR: CLOSING TIME.
BRENDA: WAIT!
YOU CAN STAY WHILE I CLEAN UP.
HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.
RANDALL: ARE YOU SURE IT'S OKAY?
I DON'T WANT TO BREAK ANY RULES.
BRENDA: THERE'S NO RULE.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
RANDALL: HOW DID YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE YOU CAN READ MY MIND.
BRENDA: WELL, YOU'VE BEEN
STARING AT THE TABLE FOR THE
LAST THREE HOURS.
RANDALL: IT'S JUST THAT -- WELL,
THERE'S THIS METER THAT'S BEEN
BROKEN FOR YEARS, AND IT'S RIGHT
IN FRONT OF THE DEPARTMENT OF
TRANSPORTATION.
BRENDA: WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY FIX
IT?
RANDALL: HANG ON.
IT GETS WORSE.
NORMALLY, A PERSON CAN ONLY
OCCUPY A SPACE FOR TWO HOURS.
WELL, THERE'S BEEN A CAR PARKED
THERE FOR OVER A YEAR.
BRENDA: WELL, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
EVERYONE SHOULD GET TWO HOURS.
RANDALL: EXACTLY.
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
TELL PEOPLE.
BRENDA: YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU SHOULD DO?
YOU SHOULD TELL WALLACE.
RANDALL: THE PRESIDENT?
BRENDA: SURE, JUST MARCH RIGHT
OVER TO HIS HOUSE.
TELL HIM THE SITUATION.
HE'LL FIX IT.
RANDALL: THERE'S A CHAIN OF
COMMAND.
I CAN'T GO DIRECTLY TO HIM.
BUT I'D LIKE TO FIND THE GUY WHO
OWNS THAT CAR.
I THINK IF I EXPLAINED THE WAY
THINGS ARE TO HIM, I'M SURE HE'D
UNDERSTAND.
BRENDA: I BET HE WOULD.
SASHA: I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW
SELFISH HE IS.
WE LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR HIM.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME
HE WAS DYING.
DID HE THINK IT WOULDN'T AFFECT
ME?
I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
IF I DON'T HAVE A BABY IN THE
NEXT SEVEN YEARS, I MAY NOT BE
ABLE TO HAVE ONE AT ALL.
DR. STIGLETS, ARE YOU LISTENING
TO ME?
DR. STIGLETS: CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING, SASHA?
WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM?
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, THERE ARE
OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.
SASHA: DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S
LIKE OUT THERE?
RANDALL'S A GOOD PERSON, SOMEONE
I COULD REALLY SETTLE DOWN WITH.
WELL, NOT NOW, BUT THAT'S WHAT'S
SO FRUSTRATING.
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD
EVERYTHING SETTLED.
DR. STIGLETS: YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO MOVE ON TO OTHER PEOPLE.
SASHA: NOT YET I DON'T.
RANDALL'S VOICE: I WENT HOME
MORE INVIGORATED THAN EVER.
I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I HAD TO DO
IN THE SHORT TIME I HAD LEFT.
RANDALL: WHY ARE YOU PAINTED RED
AND YELLOW?
JAY: IT'S BURGUNDY AND GOLD,
RANDALL.
AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A FAN.
RANDALL: THE DISPATCH OFFICE IS
THAT WAY.
JAY: CHECK THE GLOVEBOX.
RANDALL: WHY?
JAY: CHECK OUT THE GLOVEBOX.
RANDALL: WHAT ARE THESE FOR?
JAY: WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE
FOR, WIPING YOUR ***?
NO, THERE ARE TWO THERE, ONE FOR
YOU AND ONE FOR ME.
RANDALL: NO, I GOT TO WORK
TODAY, JAY.
IT'S GAME DAY.
PEOPLE ARE PARKING ALL OVER THE
PLACE.
JAY: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, YOU
GONNA WORK UNTIL YOU KEEL OVER?
NO, LIVE ON THE RAZOR'S EDGE.
RANDALL: NO, I DON'T WANT TO
LIVE ON THE RAZOR'S EDGE.
I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO STAY
THE WAY THAT IT IS.
NO MORE CRAZY PLANS, OKAY?
JAY: FINE.
RANDALL: I HAD A LITTLE FREE
TIME LAST NIGHT.
MR. CHESWORTH: NO NEED TO WORRY
ABOUT THAT NOW.
WE'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS.
CORINNA: RANDALL ZIMMERMAN.
HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THE HOSPITAL
WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE!
RANDALL: I'M SORRY, MOM.
CORINNA: I LOOKED ALL OVER FOR
YOU LAST NIGHT.
WHERE WERE YOU?
RANDALL: LOOK, MOM, I'VE GOT TO
GET TO WORK.
SEE, MOM?
I CAN HANDLE THIS.
TODD: HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE
TO DO THIS UNTIL YOU LEARN?
CORINNA: YOU PICK THAT UP,
LITTER BUG!
WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN?
A WAGONMASTER, TOO.
YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF
YOURSELF.
YOU BOYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ROLE
MODELS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON?
TODD: TODD AMSTELL.
CORINNA: SPEAK UP!
TODD: TODD AMSTELL.
CORINNA: DON'T I KNOW YOUR MAMA,
ABIGAIL AMSTELL?
TODD: PLEASE DON'T TELL MY
MOTHER.
CORINNA: YOU GET BACK IN THAT
TRUCK.
I'LL CALL YOUR MAMA IN A NEW
YORK MINUTE.
AND DON'T LET ME HEAR ABOUT YOU
ACTING UP AGAIN.
RANDALL'S VOICE: WHAT TODD AND
MOM DIDN'T KNOW IS THAT THREE
TICKETS EQUALS A CITATION
RESULTING IN DISCIPLINARY
ACTION.
I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING.
CORINNA: CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
RANDALL: MOM, CAN YOU PLEASE GO
HOME?
CORINNA: BUT RANDALL, DON'T YOU
WANT ME TO HELP YOU?
RANDALL: I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!
IF YOU WANT TO HELP, HERE'S WHAT
YOU CAN DO.
THE DOCTOR SAID I NEED TO EAT
HEALTHY.
MAYBE YOU COULD GO FIX
SOMETHING.
CORINNA: GOOD IDEA.
I PASSED A HEALTH FOOD SHOP ON
THE WAY OVER.
BUT I'M GONNA NEED THE KEY TO
YOUR APARTMENT TO GET IN.
RANDALL: MY APARTMENT?
CORINNA: SO I CAN COOK THE FOOD,
SILLY.
I'M YOUR MOTHER.
LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU.
CORINNA: WHICH OF THESE IS
BETTER?
ROBIN: DEPENDS WHAT YOU WANT IT
FOR.
GINSENG IS SUPPOSED TO CURE
IMPOTENCE.
CORINNA: WHAT ABOUT AN
IDIOPATHIC CARDIOMYOPATHY?
THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S FATAL, BUT
I THINK WE COULD BEAT IT.
ROBIN: I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'D PROBABLY WANT SOMETHING
STRONGER.
CORINNA: WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
ROBIN: THAT'S FOR CONSTIPATION.
CORINNA: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
SUFFER FROM?
A BAD ATTITUDE.
YOU KEEP THAT UP AND YOU'RE
GONNA LOSE YOURSELF A CUSTOMER.
EMILE: WHAT PART OF THE
MIND/BODY/SOUL ARE YOU WISHING
TO HEAL?
CORINNA: A HEART.
CAN YOU HELP ME?
EMILE: WE ARE ALL CONNECTED IN
THE WEB OF ETERNAL BEING.
BY HELPING YOU, I AM ALSO
HELPING MYSELF.
CORINNA: DOES THAT MEAN YES?
CORINNA: YOU'RE NOT TELLING THE
TRUTH.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE SOME BIG-
SHOT DOCTOR DOESN'T MEAN YOU
KNOW EVERYTHING.
WHAT ABOUT JESUS?
WHAT IF A BUNCH OF DOCTORS WERE
STANDING THERE LOOKING UP AT HIM
ON THE CROSS, BOILING IN THE HOT
SUN.
DO YOU THINK THEY'D HAVE HAD
MUCH HOPE FOR HIS FUTURE?
RANDALL: HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE
BOXES?
CORINNA: OH, I KNOW.
I'M STILL UNPACKING, BUT THEY'RE
GONNA BE GONE SOON.
RANDALL: YOU'RE STAYING?
CORINNA: WELL, YEAH, I THINK
IT'S FOR THE BEST.
THOSE QUACK DOCTORS.
THEY AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON A
MOTHER'S LOVE.
YOU CAN'T LEARN THAT IN MEDICAL
SCHOOL.
DR. CLINKSCALE, IT'S ME.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
CORINNA: IF I WANT TO DONATE IT
TO MEDICAL SCIENCE, THAT'S MY
PREROGATIVE.
SASHA: NOW I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
THRILLED ABOUT THE IDEA, BUT I
MADE A LIST OF SOME KEY POINTS
THAT I -- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
RANDALL: MOM'S COOKING.
COULD YOU COME BACK A LITTLE BIT
LATER?
SASHA: TIME IS ONE THING WE
DON'T HAVE.
CORINNA: OH, HEY, SASHA.
YOU STAYING FOR DINNER?
SASHA: ACTUALLY --
RANDALL: SASHA, DON'T.
SASHA: RANDALL AND I HAVE BEEN
TOGETHER A LONG TIME NOW.
WE'RE GREAT TOGETHER.
SO I WAS THINKING, WHAT IF WE
HAD A BABY?
I WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT OF
COURSE.
CORINNA: THAT'S WONDERFUL!
YOU KNOW, STUDIES HAVE SHOWN
THAT PEOPLE WITH LARGE FAMILIES
ARE MORE LIKELY TO LIVE LONGER.
IT GIVES THEM MOTIVATION.
RANDALL: I HAVE TO GO.
SASHA: BUT RANDALL, TONIGHT'S
"JEOPARDY" NIGHT.
RANDALL: SEE, DOCTOR'S ORDERS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE.
[CRYING SOUNDS]
NOLAN: GOOD, MATILDA.
VERY GOOD.
REACH OUT AND EMBRACE THE PAIN.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'D LIKE TO SHARE
NEXT?
ANYONE?
RANDALL: EXCUSE ME.
I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
SASHA: WELL, THAT DIDN'T WORK.
I JUST DON'T GET IT.
ISN'T THAT WHAT ALL GUYS WANT,
TO SPREAD THEIR SEED?
DR. STIGLETS: MAYBE HE'S WORRIED
ABOUT HAVING A CHILD HE'LL NEVER
GET TO SEE GROW UP.
SASHA: BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.
ALL HE NEEDS TO DO IS LAY FLAT
ON HIS BACK FOR TEN MINUTES.
DR. STIGLETS: YOU KNOW, SASHA,
MAKING LOVE CAN BE MORE THAN
JUST AN ACT OF REPRODUCTION.
SO MUCH MORE.
SASHA: THAT'S IT!
I'LL MAKE MYSELF COMPLETELY
IRRESISTIBLE.
THAT WAY HE WON'T EVEN HAVE TIME
TO THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES.
THANK YOU, DR. STIGLETS!
WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
JAY: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
RANDALL: A GRAPPLING HOOK.
JAY: THAT'S A TRS MILITARY
GRAPPLER.
IT WAS VOTED BY THE US MILITARY
AS THE GRAPPLING HOOK OF CHOICE
IN APRIL OF 2004.
RANDALL: WHERE'D YOU GET IT, ONE
OF THOSE RADIO CALL-IN SHOWS?
JAY: NO!
NO, I GOT IT AT ADVENTURE
SPORTS.
FOR YOU!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE
ADVENTURES WITH IT.
RANDALL: NO, THANKS.
I GET ENOUGH ADVENTURE AT WORK.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THINK THAT THIS SANDWICH IS
THE BEST PART OF MY DAY.
RANDALL: YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN
LIKE MEATBALLS.
WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE USUAL?
JAY: BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A RUT,
MAN.
YOU HAVE BECOME SO TIED DOWN TO
THIS BORING ROUTINE, AND NOW
YOU'RE GONNA DIE BEFORE YOU EVEN
GET A CHANCE TO LIVE!
RANDALL: COULD YOU JUST KEEP THE
WHOLE DEATH THING A LITTLE
QUIETER?
THERE MAY BE SOME PEOPLE IN THE
BACK THAT DIDN'T HEAR YOU.
JAY: ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, THE FIRST THING WE GOTTA
DO, WE GOTTA MAKE A LIST OF ALL
THE THINGS THAT YOU'VE EVER
WANTED TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE.
RANDALL: WHY?
JAY: COME ON.
HEY, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO FIRST.
SKYDIVING.
RANDALL: SKYDIVING?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO GO
SKYDIVING?
[SEXY MUSIC]
♪
CORINNA: SASHA?
SASHA: MRS. ZIMMERMAN, I WASN'T
EXPECTING YOU.
CORINNA: NOW DON'T MIND ME.
YOU KIDS JUST DO WHAT YOU
NORMALLY DO.
IT'S LIKE I'M NOT EVEN HERE.
RANDALL: YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOME
OF THE THINGS THAT ARE ON THIS
LIST I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
I MEAN, ULYSSES?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO ULYSSES
IS.
JAY: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A MUST-
READ.
RANDALL: THREE -- I HAVE NO NEED
TO SLEEP WITH THREE WOMEN AT THE
SAME TIME.
JAY: OH, WAIT!
I GOT IT.
TRAVEL THE WORLD.
RANDALL: TRAVEL THE WORLD?
JAY: TRAVEL THE WORLD.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YOU WRITE SOMETHING.
I'M THE ONE DOING ALL THE WORK
OVER HERE.
COME ON.
THERE HAS GOT TO BE ONE THING
THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO
DO.
RANDALL: WELL, THERE IS THIS
BROKEN METER, AND --
JAY: I AM NOT A MECHANIC,
RANDALL.
RANDALL: NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
I JUST WANT TO GET A LETTER TO
PRESIDENT WALLACE.
JAY: GREAT.
WE CAN USE THE GRAPPLING HOOK.
RANDALL: JAY --
JAY: AWESOME!
BREAK INTO PRESIDENT WALLACE'S
HOUSE.
AWESOME!
RANDALL: NO, I'M NOT.
I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK INTO
ANYBODY'S HOUSE.
JAY: WE WILL DO IT TOGETHER.
RANDALL: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE, NOT
THINGS THAT GET YOU KILLED.
JAY: TOGETHER!
TOGETHER!
[TV SOUNDS]
RANDALL: SASHA?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
SASHA: TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT,
BIG BOY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
RANDALL: WELL, I'VE GOT SOME
WORK TO DO.
SASHA: DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT
NOW?
RANDALL: WELL, I JUST GOT TO
FINISH TEN MORE LETTERS BEFORE
TOMORROW.
SASHA: WHY DON'T YOU LET ME
HELP?
RANDALL: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING IF I
CAN MAKE THEM LOOK A LITTLE MORE
PROFESSIONAL, THEN MAYBE HE --
SASHA: RANDALL, LOOK AT ME.
I BOUGHT THIS ESPECIALLY FOR
YOU.
RANDALL: SHINY.
SASHA: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY DON'T YOU STILL FIND ME
ATTRACTIVE?
RANDALL: SASHA, YOU'RE
BEAUTIFUL.
SASHA: THEN WHY DON'T YOU WANT
ME?
I'M PRACTICALLY THROWING MYSELF
AT YOU.
RANDALL: I DO WANT YOU.
OF COURSE I DO.
IT'S -- JUST NOT RIGHT NOW.
SASHA: BUT WE ONLY HAVE SIX MORE
HOURS OF OVULATION.
RANDALL: YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU
WERE ON THE PILL.
SASHA: I WAS.
RANDALL: I TOLD YOU, I DON'T
WANT A BABY.
CORINNA: SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
WHERE'S THE ELECTRIC MIXER?
WELL, IF IT'S A PROBLEM, I COULD
JUST USE A FORK.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
CORINNA: NOT TONIGHT, JAY.
IT'S TOO LATE.
JAY: BUT RAN AND I HAD PLANS.
CORINNA: HE NEEDS HIS REST.
YOU'LL HAVE TO COME BACK
JAY: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THERE?
CORINNA: THAT'S NONE OF YOUR
BUSINESS.
SASHA: I'M TAKING MY TOP OFF!
JAY: OH, SEE, I GOT TO SEE THIS.
I GOT TO --
SASHA: PLEASE?
I PROMISE I'LL LEAVE THE WHIP
OUTSIDE.
[GLASS BREAKING]
[KNOCKING ON BEDROOM DOOR]
CORINNA: SUG, ARE YOU OKAY IN
THERE?
RANDALL: JAY?
JAY: THIS IS HARDER THAN I
THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.
RANDALL: I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO WEAR GLOVES.
JAY: YEAH, YEAH.
CORINNA: RANDALL, OPEN UP.
JAY: HEY, LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST COME ON DOWN HERE, OKAY?
IT'S GONNA MAKE THIS WHOLE THING
A LOT EASIER.
RANDALL: MAKE WHAT EASIER?
JAY: LIFE, MAN!
YOU'VE GOT TO START LIVING IT!
CORINNA: OPEN UP!
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
JAY: SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT THAT
BEEYATCH IN HER PLACE.
RANDALL: SASHA?
NO, SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
JAY: WHAT ARE YOU WASTING YOUR
TIME WITH HER FOR, MAN?
YOU COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN
THAT.
RANDALL: HER SCRAMBLED EGGS ARE
TO DIE FOR.
JAY: WHAT?
SCRAMBLED EGGS?
AH!
MAN, YOU NEED TO SEE WHAT A REAL
WOMAN CAN DO.
[DANCE MUSIC]
BARTENDER: ANOTHER MR. PIBB?
JAY: RAN MY MAN!
HEY, I WANT YOU TO MEET SOME
FRIENDS.
THIS IS PAPRIKA AND --
RENEE: RENEE.
RANDALL: NICE TO MEET YOU.
JAY: THESE LOVELY LADIES HAVE
NOWHERE TO STAY TONIGHT, SO I
SAID THEY COULD STAY WITH US.
RANDALL: UM, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THAT.
JAY: AND THEY HAVE A FRIEND.
OKAY, ALRIGHT, EXCUSE US.
ONE SECOND.
EXCUSE US.
RANDALL, COME HERE.
RANDALL, THIS COST ME TWO WEEKS
SALARY, MAN.
COME ON, COME ON.
DO IT FOR ME.
OKAY, IT'S MY DYING WISH.
COME ON, HUH?
JAY: ALRIGHT, WE'VE GOT SOME
WHIPPED CREAM.
WE GOT SOME OYSTERS.
WE GOT SOME FRILLY THINGS.
ANYTHING ELSE WE'RE FORGETTING?
RANDALL: BENDER.
JAY: ALL RIGHT, RAN!
GIVE IT.
OH, GOOD.
GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT.
JAY: SO, I'LL LEAVE YOU TO IT.
[LAUGHTER AND VOICES]
RENEE: RIGHT FOOT YELLOW!
[MORE LAUGHTER]
JAY: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
IN HERE?
RANDALL: JAY, I'M SO GLAD YOU
CAME BACK.
COME ON, YOU CAN JOIN US.
I WANT TO SPIN THIS TIME.
OKAY.
JAY: COME ON!
COME ON!
RANDALL: NO, YOU HAVE TO WAIT.
JAY: COME ON!
RANDALL: NO, YOU HAVE TO WAIT
FOR ME TO CALL IT.
SASHA: HE JUST DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND SEX.
I MEAN, THERE I WAS, A RAVENOUS
BEAST OF PASSION, AND HE WASN'T
EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED.
DR. STIGLETS: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR
SEX LIFE.
DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A
PASSIONATE WOMAN?
SASHA: WELL, I DON'T THINK I'M
REACHING MY FULL POTENTIAL WITH
RANDALL, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU
MEAN.
DR. STIGLETS: FULL POTENTIAL?
SASHA: I LOVE HIM, BUT I DON'T
*** HIM.
DR. STIGLETS: SASHA, I WANT YOU
TO LOOK IN YOUR HEART, WAY DOWN
DEEP INSIDE AND TELL ME WHAT IT
IS YOU WANT FROM HIM SO BAD?
SASHA: A BABY.
DR. STIGLETS: IS THAT ALL?
[SEXY MUSIC]
DR. STIGLETS: SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
SASHA: UNLESS YOU'D LIKE TO MEET
SOONER.
MAYBE THIS WEEKEND --
DR. STIGLETS: SASHA, I'M THE
DOCTOR; YOU'RE THE PATIENT.
WE MEET ONCE A WEEK.
MR. HUGO?
VINCENT: JERKY?
I DON'T COME HERE BECAUSE I'M
CRAZY.
I MEAN, I DO WASH MY HANDS A
LOT, BUT THAT'S ALL.
[SEXY MUSIC]
[CLUNKING SOUND]
JAY: AWESOME!
RANDALL: AW, JAY!
JAY: CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP
DOWN HERE?
RANDALL: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR
THIS.
I JUST FIXED THIS.
JAY: JUST A LITTLE BIT.
RANDALL: COME ON.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST COME THROUGH
THE FRONT DOOR LIKE EVERYBODY
ELSE?
JAY: BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS
OFFER YOU A FRONT DOOR, MAN!
BESIDES, YOUR MOM WON'T LET ME
IN.
SO HEY, YOU READY FOR THE BIG
DAY?
RANDALL: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
JAY: FIRST ITEM ON THE AGENDA,
BABY -- RATTLESNAKE ROUNDUP.
RANDALL: RATTLESNAKE ROUND --
NO, I GOT TO GO TO WORK.
JAY: WELL, JUST CALL IN SICK.
RANDALL: BUT I FEEL FINE.
JAY: NOT, LIKE, REAL SICK, BUT
YOU KNOW, LIKE --
[RETCHING SOUND]
I'M COOL.
RANDALL: NO, I CAN'T LIE.
JAY: FINE, I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.
RANDALL: OH, NO, JAY!
NO, DON'T YOU -- DON'T -- DON'T!
JAY: HELLO, BOSS?
THIS IS RANDALL.
RANDALL: JAY, THAT DOESN'T EVEN
SOUND LIKE ME.
JAY: HEY, DO YOU WANT MY HELP
WITH THIS BROKEN PARKING METER
THING OR NOT?
JAY: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
HERE'S THE PLAN.
I'M GONNA THROW THIS UP TO THE
TOP OF THE FENCE, OKAY?
YOU'RE GONNA LATCH ON.
YOU'RE GONNA CLIMB UP WHILST I
WATCH YOUR BACK.
THEN YOU'RE GONNA JUMP DOWN.
USE THIS.
IT'LL SLOW YOU DOWN.
RANDALL: NO.
NO, I'M NOT DOING THIS.
JAY: OKAY, FINE.
I'LL DO THE CLIMBING.
HERE WE GO.
ONE, TWO --
RANDALL: NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
YOU KNOW THIS IS BREAKING AND
ENTERING, RIGHT?
JAY: THREE!
WHATEVER, WHATEVER.
NEXT ITEM ON THE AGENDA.
[UPBEAT ROCK SONG]
♪ YOU AND I, WE COULD SET THE
WORLD ON FIRE ♪
♪ IF I COULD FIND THE RIGHT
WORDS ♪
♪ THEN YOU COULD PAINT A PICTURE
WITH A THOUSAND REASONS WHY ♪
♪ AT LEAST WE COULD TRY ♪
♪ SO COME ON, LET'S GO AGAIN ♪
♪ WHEN YOU FALL FOR THE FIRST
TIME ♪
♪ YOU SWEAR YOU'LL NEVER FALL
AGAIN ♪
♪ WHEN YOU PICK YOURSELF UP OFF
THE GROUND, FALL BACK DOWN ♪
♪ AT LEAST YOU FINALLY FEEL
ALIVE ♪
♪ I'M ALIVE ♪
EMILE: HELLO.
CORINNA: EMILE?
THIS IS CORINNA, FROM THE HEALTH
FOOD SHOP.
I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE.
OKAY, A LOT OF TROUBLE.
I BURNED THE COUSCOUS, AND I'M
OUT OF SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS!
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
EMILE: ALL RIGHT, I WANT YOU TO
TAKE TEN DEEP BREATHS.
NICE AND SLOW.
ARE YOU BREATHING?
DON'T MOVE.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
[JAZZ MUSIC]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
[DOORBELL]
CORINNA: EMILE, SO GOOD OF YOU
TO DROP BY.
JAY: I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T GOT IT IN
YOU.
RANDALL: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
I HAD A GREAT DAY.
ONLY NEXT TIME, NO CALLING IN
SICK, OKAY?
CORINNA: MEET EMILE, YOUR NEW
HEALTH ADVISOR.
RANDALL: WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE
PLACE?
CORINNA: DO YOU LIKE IT?
EMILE: THE SCHEME IS DESIGNED TO
ORIENT THE MIND INWARD BY
SOOTHING THE SENSES AND ALLOWING
THE SOUL TO EMBRACE THE LUXURY
OF THE LESS.
RANDALL: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.
CORINNA: IT'S GOOD FOR YOU,
RANDALL.
RANDALL: OH, NO!
NOT THE CHAIR, NOT THE CHAIR!
ANYTHING BUT THE CHAIR!
CORINNA: WE'LL LEAVE THAT FOR
NOW.
BUT THERE'S GONNA BE SOME
CHANGES MADE AROUND HERE.
RANDALL: MOM --
CORINNA: RANDALL, I KNOW WE CAN
BEAT THIS.
I JUST KNOW IT.
[SITAR MUSIC]
♪
EMILE: NO, NO.
NO, YOUR BACK MUST BE STRAIGHT.
LIKE THIS.
THERE YOU GO.
MUCH BETTER.
EXCELLENT, CORINNA.
EXCELLENT.
YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO TAKE
TO THIS.
VERY NICE, VERY STRAIGHT.
YES.
[INDIAN WHISTLING MUSIC]
♪
♪
♪
♪
RANDALL: JAI -- JAI GURU DEVA
OM.
JAI GURU DEVA OM.
EMILE: GREEN IS A HEALING COLOR.
BY IMMERSING YOURSELF IN GREEN,
YOU CAN CREATE A FUNDAMENTAL
SHIFT IN YOUR COLOR
CONSCIOUSNESS.
RANDALL: BUT MY FAVORITE COLOR
IS RED.
EMILE: PERHAPS I'M NOT MAKING
MYSELF CLEAR.
ALL COLOR ORIGINATES FROM THE
LIGHT OF THE SUN.
BY ACCESSING THESE COLORS, WE
CAN ACCESS THE HEALING
PROPERTIES OF THE SUN.
CORINNA: THAT'S LOVELY, EMILE.
EMILE: ISN'T IT?
USE IT.
USE THE GREEN.
RANDALL'S VOICE: MOM MADE ME
TAKE AN EXTENDED SICK LEAVE, AND
I COULDN'T ARGUE BECAUSE I
REALLY WAS SICK.
I WAS STILL WORKING ON MY
LETTERS BY NIGHT, BUT IT WAS
GETTING HARDER AND HARDER
WITHOUT MY ROUTINE.
SOMETHING WAS DEFINITELY MISSING
FROM MY LIFE.
CORINNA: NOW YOU'LL NEVER RUN
OUT.
RANDALL: MOM, DID YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT GETTING A HOBBY?
CORINNA: YOU'RE MY HOBBY, SILLY.
OH, YOU GOT TO FINISH THAT UP,
SUG.
WE HAVE PILATES IN TWENTY
MINUTES.
RANDALL: OH, MOM.
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.
I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK.
CORINNA: WORK?
YOU'RE STILL GOING TO WORK?
RANDALL: YEAH, LOOK, I GOT TO
GET GOING.
WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.
CORINNA: NO, WE CAN TALK ABOUT
IT RIGHT NOW.
I WILL NOT HAVE YOU RISKING YOUR
--
JAY: HEY, MRS. ZIMMERMAN.
YOU REALLY GOT TO GET THAT
WINDOW FIXED.
CORINNA: JACOB, COULD YOU COME
BACK AT A LATER MOMENT?
WE'RE KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF
SOMETHING.
RANDALL: NO, JAY, YOU STAY RIGHT
THERE.
MOM AND I ARE FINISHED TALKING.
JAY: IS THIS TOFU?
OH, OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.
TWO TICKETS.
EUROPE.
THIRTEEN COUNTRIES.
FIVE DAYS.
I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR PASSPORT
TO THE DANGER ZONE.
RANDALL: JAY, THERE'S NO WAY I
CAN TAKE OFF LIKE THAT.
I'VE GOT RESPONSIBILITY.
CORINNA: WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?
HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY ME LIKE
THAT?
I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!
JAY: YOU KNOW, THE FLAVOR IS
CHICKEN, AND THE TEXTURE IS
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
MR. CHESWORTH: SURE.
RIGHT, I UNDERSTAND.
UM, YEAH, I'LL BUZZ YOU BACK ON
THAT ONE.
RANDALL: MR. CHESWORTH, THERE'S
SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO TELL
YOU --
MR. CHESWORTH: RANDALL, I HAD NO
IDEA IT WAS THIS SERIOUS.
RANDALL: MOM.
MR. CHESWORTH: YEAH, THANK
GOODNESS SOMEONE TOLD ME.
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
A GLASS OF WATER?
ICE CREAM?
RANDALL: NO, I NEVER EAT ON
DUTY.
MR. CHESWORTH: RANDALL, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
RANDALL: DO WHAT?
MR. CHESWORTH: YOU'VE GOT SO
MUCH VACATION TIME SAVED.
TAKE A LITTLE TIME OFF.
RANDALL: BUT I WANT TO COME IN.
I LOVE WORK.
MR. CHESWORTH: PLEASE.
NOBODY LOVES WORK.
GET OUT THERE.
DO ALL THOSE THINGS YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO DO.
RANDALL: BUT THIS IS WHAT I WANT
TO DO.
MR. CHESWORTH: OH, JUST LEAVE
THE UNIFORM WITH ME.
NO NEED TO CLEAN IT.
RANDALL: MR. CHESWORTH, I REALLY
THINK --
MR. CHESWORTH: DO I HAVE TO FIRE
YOU?
COME ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
JEEZ.
RANDALL'S VOICE: AND JUST LIKE
THAT, ALL MY HOPES AND DREAMS
WERE GONE.
ANTON: SASHA, HONEY.
COME TO BED.
WHERE YOU GOING?
BABY?
[KNOCK ON THE DOOR]
SASHA: OH, WHERE'S RANDALL?
CORINNA: HE'LL BE BACK IN A
MINUTE.
STICK AROUND.
I MADE LAVENDER FIG BARS.
SASHA: I DON'T KNOW.
I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO HIM.
CORINNA: WELL, WHATEVER IT IS,
YOU CAN TELL ME.
SASHA: WELL, I AM EATING FOR
TWO.
CORINNA: OH, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER!
WHAT ABOUT A NAME?
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT A NAME?
SASHA: I THINK I WANT TO NAME IT
AFTER RANDALL, BECAUSE WITHOUT
HIM, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED.
CORINNA: YOU KNOW, I SAW AN
ARTICLE IN THE GAZETTE ABOUT
THEY NEED ENVELOPE STUFFERS, SO
RANDALL COULD STAY AT HOME AND
MAKE MONEY TO SUPPORT THE BABY.
IT'S PERFECT!
RANDALL: WHERE THE HELL IS MY
CHAIR?
CORINNA: WELL, IT WAS OLD,
RANDALL.
IT HAD--
RANDALL: WHERE THE HELL IS IT?
CORINNA: I TOOK IT TO THE DUMP.
RANDALL: I'M DYING, MOM.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME ENJOY
MY LAST DAYS IN PEACE?
AND YOU.
WELL, I GUESS YOU GOT WHAT YOU
WANTED, DIDN'T YOU?
NOW I GOT TO DIE KNOWING THAT MY
KID IS GOING TO GROW UP WITHOUT
A FATHER.
COME ON, JAY.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I
REALLY LOSE IT.
JAY: THAT WAS AWESOME.
YOU -- YOU SURE LET THEM HAVE
IT.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF
YOU'RE THE DADDY.
RANDALL: HEY, PULL OVER.
JAY: YOU KNOW, THEY FEED YOU ON
THE PLANE.
RANDALL: JUST PULL OVER!
JAY: ALL RIGHT.
BRENDA: WILL THIS BE FOR HERE OR
TO GO?
RANDALL: TO GO.
ACTUALLY, IT'S TO GO REAL FAR.
BRENDA: OH?
RANDALL: TO EUROPE.
BRENDA: REALLY?
WOW!
WHAT COUNTRIES?
RANDALL: WELL, I'M NOT REALLY
SURE, BUT A LOT OF THEM.
I'LL BE GONE ALMOST A WEEK.
BRENDA: OH, WELL, THAT'S TOO
BAD.
WE JUST GOT IN OUR NEW LINE OF
SPICY SOUTHWEST SAUCES.
BUT THEN, YOU USUALLY JUST GET
MAYONNAISE, HUH?
RANDALL'S VOICE: JAY WAS RIGHT.
I NEEDED MORE ADVENTURE IN MY
LIFE.
BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE
COUNTRY TO FIND IT.
CHIPOTLE MILD WAS ENOUGH
EXCITEMENT FOR ONE EVENING.
RANDALL: HEY, JAY, I'M HAVING
SECOND THOUGHTS.
JAY: BECAUSE OF THE SANDWICH?
THEY GOT SANDWICHES IN EUROPE.
RANDALL: NO, IT'S MORE THAN
THAT.
I MEAN, AS FAR AS I KNOW, THIS
IS MY LAST SIX MONTHS ON EARTH,
AND I THINK I WANT TO SPEND IT
RIGHT HERE.
JAY: NO WAY.
I ALREADY GOT THE TICKETS.
RANDALL: YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO
GET THE MONEY BACK.
JAY: IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.
IT'S ABOUT THE COOL.
AS IN WHAT YOU USED TO BE.
RANDALL: I'M SURE THAT YOU'LL
HAVE JUST AS MUCH FUN WITHOUT
ME.
JAY: WITHOUT YOU?
I CAN'T GO WITHOUT YOU!
RANDALL: YOU SPEND HALF YOUR
LIFE IN FRONT OF THE TV, AND AN
ADVENTURE FINALLY SHOWS UP, AND
YOU'RE GONNA BACK OUT?
I MEAN, WHAT IF DEATH SKATE
RACER BACKED OUT?
OR WHAT IF THE O TECH FOOTBALL
TEAM BACKED OUT?
DO IT FOR ME.
MY DYING WISH.
JAY: I GUESS THOSE TOPLESS
FRENCH GIRLS AREN'T GONNA WAIT
AROUND FOREVER, HUH?
HEY, RAN!
I'LL SEND YOU A POSTCARD.
BRENDA: OH, GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
I AM SO SORRY.
IT'S A LITTLE SPICY.
OH, GOD.
I SHOULD HAVE MADE YOU YOUR
USUAL.
I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T TELL YOU
ABOUT THAT --
RANDALL: THAT'S THE BEST
SANDWICH I'VE EVER HAD.
BRENDA: IT SET YOUR MOUTH ON
FIRE.
RANDALL: I DON'T CARE.
IT'S PERFECT.
YOU DO EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT.
BRENDA: I DO MY BEST.
YOU KNOW, I WAS IN NURSING
SCHOOL BEFORE MY MOM GOT CANCER,
AND THEN I GOT STUCK WORKING
HERE.
RANDALL: YOU MEAN THIS WASN'T
WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?
BUT YOU DO IT SO GOOD.
BRENDA: WELL, WE ALL HAVE
RESPONSIBILITIES.
IT'S WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT THAT
COUNTS.
RANDALL: MY CHAIR.
SASHA: YOUR MOM BROUGHT IT BACK.
RANDALL: I WANT TO HELP WITH THE
BABY.
I WILL TAKE A JOB WITH THE
ENVELOPES, WHATEVER IT TAKES.
SASHA: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
THAT.
RANDALL: NO, IT'S NOT THE BABY'S
FAULT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US.
SASHA: I DON'T THINK YOU'RE THE
FATHER.
RANDALL: IT'S THAT THERAPIST
GUY, ISN'T IT?
THE ONE YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING
ABOUT.
SASHA: I DON'T KNOW.
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU EARLIER
THAT IT WAS OVER BETWEEN US.
I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO FORGIVE
ME, BUT I WANT TO ASK A FAVOR.
NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR THE BABY.
I WANT YOU TO BE THE FATHER, IN
HER EYES AT LEAST.
RANDALL: OKAY.
SASHA: OH, RANDALL.
OH, I'M GOING TO TELL HER SUCH
GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU.
SHE WILL BE SO PROUD.
RANDALL: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE.
JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.
[GUITAR MUSIC]
♪ I'VE GOT A LOVELY COLLECTION
OF SHELLS ♪
♪ SIX YELLOW BOTTLES ALL FILLED
WITH SAND ♪
♪ WHEN I LOOK OUTSIDE MY WINDOW
♪
♪ I SEE THE PLACE I LOVE ♪
RANDALL'S VOICE: STUFFING
ENVELOPES WASN'T SO BAD.
IT WAS LIKE WHAT I'D BEEN DOING
ALL ALONG WITH THE LETTERS, ONLY
WITHOUT ALL THE MEANING AND
HOPE.
SASHA: YOU GOT A POSTCARD.
IT'S FROM JAY.
I HAVE TO LEAVE PRETTY SOON.
I'M GOING TO GO BUY WALLPAPER
FOR THE BABY'S ROOM.
YOU SHOULDN'T WORK SO HARD, YOU
KNOW.
YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE IT EASY.
RANDALL: I DON'T MIND.
[DOORBELL]
SASHA: THAT'S MY RIDE.
COME ON IN.
RANDALL.
CHIP, RANDALL.
WELL, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET
GOING.
RANDALL'S VOICE: I WANTED TO
CALL JAY, BUT HE DECIDED TO STAY
LONGER IN EUROPE.
[PHONE RINGS]
CORINNA: I WONDER WHO THAT COULD
BE.
EMILE: LEAVE IT.
THE MACHINE WILL ANSWER.
RANDALL'S VOICE: THERE I WAS,
ALONE LIKE I WANTED ALL ALONG.
SO WHY WAS I SO MISERABLE?
I NEEDED TO GET OUTSIDE.
CLEAR MY HEAD.
I SOON FOUND MYSELF FALLING INTO
MY OLD ROUTE.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME
HAPPY, BUT IT JUST MADE THINGS
WORSE.
I WAS NOTHING WITHOUT THAT
UNIFORM.
BUT THAT WASN'T ALL.
EVEN THOUGH THE UNIFORM COMES
WITH GREAT PRIVILEGES, IT ALSO
COMES WITH HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY.
I JUST WISH OTHER PEOPLE COULD
UNDERSTAND THAT.
FIREMAN: THIS YOUR CAR?
RANDALL: NO, I USUALLY TICKET
CARS LIKE THIS.
FIREMAN: WELL, DO YOU KNOW WHOSE
IT IS?
RANDALL: NO, NO, I DON'T KNOW
WHOSE IT IS.
I KNOW A NUMBER FOR A TOW TRUCK
--
FIREMAN: WELL, STEP BACK.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE ANY
CITIZENS AT RISK HERE TODAY.
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
♪
♪
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: ARE YOU OKAY,
MY FRIEND?
RANDALL: HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED
WHAT THE WORLD WOULD BE LIKE IF
YOU WERE NEVER HERE?
IF YOU DIED AND LEFT NO TRACE
BEHIND?
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: RANDALL, I
WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME TO MY
OFFICE FOR A SECOND.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
COME ON, COME.
MY LIFE'S WORK.
EVERYTHING EVER CONCEIVED ABOUT
JOHN DONNE.
AND I HAD TO FIGHT FOR EVERY
SENTENCE.
GOD KNOWS THE PAIN OF CREATION.
THE UNBEARABLE AGONY OF PUTTING
PEN TO PAPER, NOT KNOWING WHAT'S
TO COME.
RANDALL: THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
MUCH FUN.
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: IT ISN'T.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IS.
LEGACY.
LEAVING A LITTLE SOMETHING AFTER
YOU'RE GONE, A TASTE OF
IMMORTALITY.
RANDALL: I THINK THAT'S
SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO DO.
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: WRITE A
COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO THE LIFE
AND WORKS OF THE GREATEST POET
THE WORLD'S EVER KNOWN?
I'M AFRAID EVERYONE CAN'T BE A
DONNE SCHOLAR, BUT MAYBE THERE'S
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
DO YOU HAVE A TALENT?
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU CARE
ABOUT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN
THE WORLD?
RANDALL: I'M REALLY GOOD AT
PARKING ENFORCEMENT.
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: NO, NO,
THAT'S NOT IT.
BUT KEEP THINKING.
I'M SURE YOU'LL COME UP WITH
SOMETHING.
RANDALL: YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
PROFESSOR GRIFFIN: MY PLEASURE.
GOOD LUCK.
RANDALL: MR. CHESWORTH, I WANT
TO SAY SOMETHING, AND I DON'T
WANT YOU TO SAY ANYTHING UNTIL I
FINISH SPEAKING.
THIS JOB MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU HAD MY BEST
INTEREST IN MIND, JUST LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE, BUT I GOT TO
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I'VE NEVER BEEN AS MISERABLE AS
I HAVE THESE PAST FEW MONTHS.
THAT'S WHY I'VE DECIDED TO GO
BACK TO DUTY, AND I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR NO FOR AN ANSWER.
MR. CHESWORTH: WELL, I'M SORRY
TO HEAR THAT, RANDALL.
THE THING IS, YOU'VE ALREADY
BEEN REPLACED.
HERE, YOU KNOW -- I CAN'T VERY
WELL JUST GET RID OF HIM NOW,
CAN I?
IT WOULD MEAN A WHOLE LOT OF
PAPERWORK.
WAIT --
RANDALL: HOW COULD YOU?
MR. CHESWORTH: NOW, DON'T JUMP
TO ANY CONCLUSIONS.
RANDALL: IT'S MY LIFE'S WORK.
MR. CHESWORTH: OH, COME ON.
DO YOU THINK WALLACE IS GONNA
READ ALL OF THOSE?
IF I WERE TO MAIL THOSE OUT,
IT'D AMOUNT TO NOTHING MORE THAN
A WASTE OF FORTY-FOUR CENTS.
AND FORTY-FOUR TIMES SIXTY-SUM-
ODD, MAN, THAT'D BUY YOU A BIG
STEAK DINNER.
RANDALL: YEAH, WELL YOU KEEP
YOUR STEAK.
I'LL TAKE MY DIGNITY.
RANDALL'S VOICE: I DON'T KNOW IF
IT WAS MY STOMACH TALKING OR
WHAT, BUT I KEPT HEARING
BRENDA'S VOICE ECHOING IN MY
HEAD.
I SHOULD JUST MARCH OVER TO
PRESIDENT WALLACE'S HOUSE AND
TELL HIM MYSELF.
RANDALL: PRESIDENT WALLACE?
PRESIDENT WALLACE!
SASHA: HE'S AWAKE.
EVERYONE, HE'S AWAKE!
CORINNA: YOU'VE JUST HAD A HEART
ATTACK, BUT THE DOCTOR SAYS
YOU'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.
JAY: FOR NOW.
RANDALL: JAY?
JAY: JUST GOT BACK YESTERDAY.
HEY, THIS HERE IS HELGA.
HELGA: [SPEAKING GERMAN]
CORINNA: I GOT A PLOT, RANDALL.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT KIND YOU
WANTED, BUT I GOT ONE WITH A
TREE.
YOU LIKE TREES, DON'T YOU,
RANDALL?
DR. CLINKSCALE: COME ON, WHAT IS
THIS, A PARTY?
COME ON, ALL OF YOU OUT.
OUT.
RANDALL NEEDS HIS REST.
NURSE: MR. ZIMMERMAN.
DR. CLINKSCALE: HELEN, HOW MANY
TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU --
NURSE: IT'S THE PRESIDENT.
RANDALL: HELLO?
UH-HUH.
REALLY?
YOU WILL?
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
OKAY.
THANK YOU.
IT'S ABOUT THE BROKEN METER.
HE READ MY LETTER.
HE'S GONNA GET IT FIXED.
AND THEY'RE GONNA PUT A PLAQUE
UP WITH MY NAME ON IT.
JAY: YEAH, MAN.
RANDALL'S VOICE: I CAN'T TELL
YOU HOW MANY NIGHTS I HAD
DREAMED ABOUT THIS MOMENT, AND
NOW IT HAD FINALLY COME TRUE.
BUT IT DIDN'T QUITE FEEL AS GOOD
AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
TODD: AM I GOOD ON THAT SIDE?
FOOTBALL PLAYER: YEAH, YOU'RE
GOOD.
TODD: WILL YOU JUST GET OUT AND
CHECK?
COACH IS GOING TO SUSPEND ME IF
I GET ANOTHER TICKET.
FOOTBALL PLAYER: TODD, MAN,
TRUST ME.
YOU'RE IN.
YOU'RE PERFECT.
BRENDA: WHAT'LL IT BE TODAY, THE
USUAL?
OLI: WELL, WELL, WELL.
OUR OWN LOCAL CELEBRITY.
RANDALL: THEY PUT IT IN THE
PAPER?
OLI: YEAH, THE WHOLE STORY OF
HOW YOU DEFIED THE ODDS AND
OVERCAME.
MAN, WE'RE REALLY GONNA MISS YOU
AROUND HERE.
WE COULD DEDICATE A BOOTH TO
YOU.
HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?
PLENTY OF SUNSHINE.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
HOW ABOUT A SONG FOR THE WORLD'S
GREATEST WAGONMASTER.
♪ WAGONMASTER, WAGONMASTER ♪
♪ WAGONMASTER, WAGONMASTER ♪
OLI: EVERYBODY!
♪ WAGONMASTER, WAGONMASTER ♪
BRENDA: MR. ZIMMERMAN!
YOU FORGOT YOUR SANDWICH!
RANDALL'S VOICE: I THOUGHT SHE'D
WANT TO GET BACK TO WORK, BUT
SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO
LEAVE JUST YET.
♪
♪
♪
♪
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GLAD SHE STAYED.
BRENDA: SO WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING
A TRUE AMERICAN HERO?
RANDALL: YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ALL
IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE.
I MEAN, I'M HAPPY TO LEAVE THE
WORLD A BETTER PLACE AND ALL
THAT.
BRENDA: DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?
RANDALL: I BELIEVE IN WHAT I
SEE.
BRENDA: WELL, I JUST THOUGHT
THAT MIGHT BE SOMETHING YOU
MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO BEFORE
IT'S TOO LATE.
RANDALL: HOW MANY DO YOU THINK
THERE ARE UP THERE?
TEN, TWENTY MILLION?
BRENDA: A LOT.
RANDALL'S VOICE: ALTOGETHER, I
THINK IT WAS THE GREATEST DAY OF
MY LIFE.
WELL, PRESIDENT WALLACE, IT'S
ABOUT TIME I GET GOING NOW.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING ALL
MY LETTERS.
I HOPE YOU CAN REST EASY KNOWING
THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE MADE THE
WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
AND NOW I'D LIKE TO SHARE
SOMETHING WITH YOU.
DEATH, BE NOT PROUD, THOUGH SOME
HAVE CALLED THEE
MIGHTY AND DREADFUL, FOR THOU
ART NOT SO;
FOR THOSE WHOM THOU THINK'ST
THOU DOST OVERTHROW
DIE NOT, POOR DEATH, NOR YET
CANST THOU KILL ME.
FROM REST AND SLEEP, WHICH BUT
THY PICTURES BE,
MUCH PLEASURE; THEN FROM THEE
MUCH MORE MUST FLOW,
AND SOONEST OUR BEST MEN WITH
THEE DO GO,
REST OF THEIR BONES, AND SOUL'S
DELIVERY.
THOU ART SLAVE TO FATE, CHANCE,
KINGS, AND DESPERATE MEN,
AND DOST WITH POISON, WAR, AND
SICKNESS DWELL,
AND POPPY OR CHARMS CAN MAKE US
SLEEP AS WELL
AND BETTER THAN THY STROKE;
AND DEATH SHALL BE NO MORE;
DEATH, THOU SHALT DIE.
I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD IT
MUCH, BUT I LIKE THE WAY IT
SOUNDS.
I HOPE YOU DO TOO.
♪
♪
♪
♪