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Standing here, I can’t help but admire these incredible 10 women, and all the women who
previously have been honored by JWI as Women to Watch. I am touched that at an event full
of women accomplished in both the business world and in the non-profit sector, you recognize
the importance of having me speak about a life changing experience that no one should
have to live through.
Where or how do I begin to describe a horrific story of struggle and survival in the few
minutes allotted this afternoon? I began my adult life with the same drive and determination
that many of you in this room have exhibited. I graduated from the University of Michigan
in Ann Arbor, went on to law school and earned an LLM in Taxation. Upon graduation, I joined
Shell Oil Company in Houston, Texas. After five years, General Motors recruited me to
their tax department where I travelled and spent time working on property tax appeals.
Then life got in the way….and the rest is history.
I met and married my ex-husband in 1988. It was a whirlwind romance where I was wined
and dined; sent the most exquisite roses and received fabulous gifts.
My ex-husband, a successful Jewish doctor, was a miracle worker to his patients. To me
he was a manipulator, controller, enraged psychopath – otherwise strikingly similar
to a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Yet I lived in a beautiful home with all of the trappings. We had a time share in the
south of France, vacationed in St. Thomas twice a year, and had a summer place with
a boat on Round Lake in Charlevoix, Michigan. To everyone else, our life was enviable. To
me, it was a living nightmare.
I remember the first time I was physically assaulted. It was on a Sunday morning, and
I was about 8 weeks pregnant. I had taken our dog with me out to get bagels. The weather
was snowy. I had a flat tire. I waited for service. When I opened the door to the condo
he punched me in the nose. Bleeding, I just stood there stunned. Who was this monster
and why would he punch me in the nose. People in love do not act like this. People who are
educated do not do this. Jewish people for certain would never do this….and yet, here
I am a survivor and I was the victim of an educated, successful, Jewish doctor who indeed
did do this. He apologized the next day and bought me a magnificent piece of jewelry.
And, I stayed. The first time is a surprise, every other time I was his punching bag, just
waiting for it. I was lucky, the physical scars disappeared and healed; the emotional
scars I still carry with me.
I tried desperately to cover up what was happening behind closed doors. I couldn’t share my
story with family or friends. I thought things would change and I didn’t want others to
look at him negatively. I wanted him to be the perfect Jewish doctor that everyone saw
him as, so I covered up the black eyes, black and blue marks that laced my body and the
bruises that seemed to be coming more frequently than one can imagine. It was a lonely existence
and I was in my own living hell, curling up into a shadow of the person that I had been
earlier in life. The smiles on my face disappeared and laughter just wasn’t anything I experienced
anymore.
In May of 1995, I had a beautiful 7-week old daughter, Vanessa, cradled in my arms in our
condo in Charlevoix Michigan. I had a 4-year old son, Max, and 5-year old daughter, Hannah,
seated on each side of me and my mother, a Holocaust survivor, standing behind. My ex
lost all control and punched me in front of everyone. Bleeding and barefoot I grabbed
the car keys off the kitchen counter, left the kids with my mom and went to the hospital.
I didn’t lie or make up stories. This time I wasn’t protecting the monster; no, my
only purpose was to protect my kids and document his abuse. When I walked into the hospital
and told my story, the Charlevoix police were immediately called in and it was out of my
hands.
Yet 24 hours later, I was the one who picked him up from prison. Why you may wonder? I
didn’t have a plan yet. Where would I go? How would I support myself? How would I take
care of three children under the age of 5? I had stopped working due to his coaxing that
it was better for me to be at home than out in the workforce. I no longer had access to
funds to support myself. He controlled every penny that I spent. He constantly told me
that I was stupid and fat. Emotionally I was a wreck, but I needed the summer to put a
plan in action.
Throughout the summer the beatings became more frequent. Dishes were thrown and broken
when meals weren’t up to par. When I was outside playing with the kids, raw eggs were
thrown at me in plain view of neighbors. I was *** and then cold quarts of water from
the refrigerator were poured all over my shivering body.
It wasn’t until after break fast following Yom Kippur 1995 that I knew my departure would
be imminent. We had broken the fast and my mother decided to stay with us overnight.
He had been very confrontational. I was frightened. I knew he had a gun in the house. I went to
sleep in Hannah’s bedroom with her and my mom. I knew I would be protected. Every two
minutes he would call from the downstairs phone to the upstairs “you up, just checking
on you.” It was like ‘dial m for ***.’ I was terrified. Then he came banging on the
door. He ordered me into our bedroom.
I went and slept on the corner of the bed. Shaking, I prayed to G-d to let us please
survive the night. In the morning he left for work. My mom left. The kids were picked
up for school. The phone rang and he said “you know I beat the *** out of you and
you just don’t get it.” I hung up the phone and said to myself, “I just got it.”
My mom called and asked what I was doing. I said I am putting things in garbage bags
and leaving. She said “it’s been 50 years since I lived in hiding….I’m going with
you.” Where and how was another story.
I had spoken with an attorney once earlier. Unbeknownst to me, she had received phone
calls from attorneys around town that I knew who told her that if she didn’t get me out
of town, I wouldn’t live to see the next week. Her mission was to get me the necessary
papers so I could leave with the kids.
Everyone I knew was terrified of him. People didn’t want to get involved or let us stay
with them overnight. Finally, my mom’s friend’s husband (75-year old man) rented a van and
drove us to Chicago in the middle of the night. From there, we flew to Los Angeles. When we
arrived, we found he had threatened my girlfriend’s family, so we could not stay there. We turned
around, flew to San Francisco and began planning where I could safely stay for the next year.
We ended up in Tucson. We knew no one, but there was a day school for my daughter, pre-school
for my son and a place that we could wear the only clothes we had….shorts and t-shirts.
The Jewish community embraced us with open arms.
But we were found…..he had hired a Private Investigator. He was fined $1,500 each time
that he attempted to let us know that he knew where we were. I flew home with the kids every
six weeks so that they could have supervised visits with him. He still had control of my
life. I knew that if I stayed in Tucson permanently that, eventually, I would have to allow my
kids to fly back and stay with him over vacations. I could never accept that, so I decided it
would be best if we moved back to Detroit. At the end of the school year, that is what
happened.
The kids had supervised visits for about five years. He fought with the guardian-ad-litem
and fired five of them as well as physically assaulting one of the supervisors when they
were out on a visit.
As a matter of fact, he lost his medical license and has never been re-instated. This was a
Jewish doctor that had the busiest family practice in Rochester Hills, Michigan. He
left the state for a while but eventually moved back. This August, I was in the Bagel
Factory and when I turned to my right, he was standing right next to me. That was the
first time that I had seen him alone since I walked out the door on October 5, 1995.
This year we celebrated our sweet sixteen. My kids send text messages out every October
5th saying “thanks mom for giving us our lives.” And my only thought when I read
that text is that “you are the ones that gave me the courage to travel cross country
and start life anew…you are my lives and I am forever grateful to you.”
I am remarried to an incredible man. We celebrated our 10 year anniversary and we always thank
my ex because if he hadn’t been the person he was, then I would never have met Steve.
I now have a fulfilling career as an endowment specialist at the Jewish Federation of Metropolitan
Detroit. Life is ever changing.
My story has so many more twists and turns as you can imagine. I know how lucky I am.
I know that most people don’t leave without looking back. I never looked back. But I also
know that I had a career and the financial capability to take care of my kids. The work
that JWI does is so important in making our voices heard. We the victims are ashamed and
do not speak out about what is going on behind closed doors. JWI is our voice. As a survivor,
I can’t praise JWI enough for the work that they do to help those whose voices cannot
be heard.
Thank you for having me speak this afternoon. Mazel Tov to all of the honorees. I am proud
to be amongst such an incredible group of women.