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So every time I log into facebook, I notice now, in the right hand column, sponsored ads
featuring pages my friends have liked. It’s always different friends who liked different
pages, mostly cell phones and during the 2012 election cycle, Mitt Romney, but those weren’t
really friends, so much as bots with fake profiles, whose friendships I accepted in
good faith. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of bots who happen to think I’m pretty
funny. Anyway, these ads are all a part of some kind
of algorithm. So one day, I decided to become a participant in the algorithm and I clicked
on a sponsored ad for one of the pages my friend, Ernie, liked. When I clicked through,
it took me to the page, and I didn’t like it. Why would I like anything in a sponsored
“like” ad? If I liked it, they’d start using my face to try to get my friends to
like it. Never like a page with an advertising budget. And why would anybody like their stupid
page anyway? But then I noticed, in the right hand column,
a sponsored ad for another page Ernie had liked. I guess the facebook algorithm figured,
if he clicked on something Ernie liked once, maybe he’ll click on something else Ernie
likes. They were right. I was all in. I figured, hey, let’s see what else Ernie likes.
And then every time I saw an ad for a page Ernie liked, I clicked it, because I figured,
if me and Ernie are going to be a part of their algorithm, then I’m going to skew
it. I’ll click all the ads Ernie’s in, but I won’t like any of the pages. Ernie’s
in a lot of sponsored ads, because Ernie likes a lot of pages. Ernie never met a page he
didn’t like, except, for some reason, Will Rogers.
Ernie also gets a lot of event invitations and there isn’t one he isn’t going to:
“Join? Maybe? Decline?” Join! Of course. I’ve never seen Ernie at any event he joined.
Maybe he’s a bot. Pretty soon Ernie’s face started appearing
in the right hand column on almost every page I visited on facebook. And every time, I would
click on it. Then sponsored ads starring Ernie began appearing in my newsfeed. And I kept
clicking. Facebook suggested I buy him a gift. I kept on clicking. I figured, hey, maybe
if I keep on clicking, Ernie’s face will start showing up more on his other friend’s
pages too. And if they start clicking on his ads on those pages, then maybe his face will
show up on other people’s pages. Pretty soon, his face would start showing up on people’s
pages he wasn’t even friends with and people would be like, “Well, Ernie likes it. Maybe,
I’ll like it too.” Ernie likes pretzels. Ernie likes cell phones.
Ernie likes batteries. I wonder if Ernie likes the page I’m on. Washington slept here,
but Ernie liked it. I clicked on Ernie’s picture so many times;
the facebook algorithm suggested I start a page for Ernie. I wonder if he’d like
it. Actually Ernie does have a facebook page,
and I clicked “like.” Maybe I’ve appeared in an ad for it.
I also have a page, and guess what? Ernie liked it. Maybe this is my big chance. Maybe
I should take out a facebook ad for my page. Maybe Ernie is the face I can use to sell
my page, because, let’s face it, my face ain’t doing it! My face is my business and
my business isn’t doing so good. I’m James Tripp and I’ll be back with
another Trippitorial.