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SS de Beauté - The Beauty of Self-overcoming
Episode 01: Is it a fit?
Looking from the outside people would see a "normal" 18 year old girl...
...who drank ***...
...went to parties...
...had some flings...
...flertings.
That time I used to smoke.
Cigs were very well tolerated.
I was polite, a little popular, did well at school...
...I ate well...
...so people would think: "awesome"...
...because I went to Mc Donald´s and ate 1, 2 even 3 meals, even ate ice cream...
...everybody thought: "so awesome, you eat, eat and you don´t put on weigth!"
But I would eat a lot because I had eating compulsion.
So I started to eat, mainly sweets, snacks, the real junk food, because that would bring relief to myself...
...so I couldn´t stop it.
Compulsive eating, compulsive gambling, compulsive drug use, drinking, cigs...
We understand this is a part of suffering, when the person doesn´t have impulse control.
I got totally anxious.
I got totally closed in, very angry and very agressive.
I couldn´t bear to be in my own skin.
And there was this emotional turmoil, which I couldn´t handle by myself.
But I felt guilty, because I was feeling all that, so I tried to feel different but I couldn´t.
A person who suffers from depression can face sadness...
...but this person might as well face other kinds of suffering, both psychic and physical.
There was this sensation of something pressing down my chest...
...a very strong anguish.
A sensation I wasn´t here.
It was like I didn´t deserve... to exist.
Everybody feels unwell.
Everybody feels sad, by the way sadness is very important from the adaptative view point...
...because when the person is sad, he retracts, thinks about life and there´re the absolutely normal mournings.
The point is: For how long has that person been through this so-called normal suffering?
I didn´t have energy, I was always tired, I wouuld cry out of nowhere.
The person´s energy level gets very low...
...so he skips work, in fact depression is one of the major causes of work absenteeism.
Especially mild depression, so missing work once...
...then goes back to work and keep on going, then one month later skips it again, right!
And then the person doesn´t realize he has depression, because he´s not sad.
I couldn´t put my foot, literally, I couldn´t put my feet on the ground...
...I wore high heels a lot, so much that my nickname at college was "Clog".
If I put my feet on the ground, I would feel pain.
So, I was always almost on my toes, like a ballerina.
And I used to drink because the ***, the beers and the wines, in a way...
...would give me some relief from all those bad sensations.
So I drank to get that relief, and I got it, but in the next moment...
...I´d get a lot worse!
And what did I do when the *** let me worse and more depressed?
...I drove a car and would go street racing, drunk!
And the dudes from my town thought that was awesome, because I´d raced and it was "cool".
Apart from that, she might have loss of pleasure in activities that were pleasurable before.
And loss of libido. In more severe cases, even death ideas.
I could only see the dark side of everything.
I thought a lot about death and disgraces.
I couldn´t concentrate...
...not even brush my teeth.
I didn´t function to do basic things.
And I felt this huge void, which seemed that would not go away anymore.
And I didn´t talk to anyone about all this messy emotions...
...because I was ashamed, I didn´t want anyone to know.
I forced myself to go to college´s classes, I forced myself to go to parties,
...I forced myself to do things that "normal" people would do...
...even feeling like a wounded fish out of water...
...I was forcing myself to live like other people did.
I didn´t want to face that something was wrong with me.
And I couldn´t keep on just by myself!
Because a mental illness is much stronger than the will...
...to switch the negatives thougts for positive ones.
It would be as if a quadriplegic said: "Oh, enough! I´ve decided! I´ll stand up and run!"
How much longer are you going to think that depression is only a fit?
46 million brazilians suffer from Depression and other mental disorders
Get information so you can help: www.pensamentosfilmados.com.br