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on californication
- this is not hank's fault?
excuse me.
What does that mean?
- it's not my fault.
- you didn't tell her.
- tell me what?
- becca's father and i
had a slight indiscretion.
- she's got to be
kidding me, right?
I don't want to hear about
felicia and her mid-life crisis.
- *** me, bone me,
stuff me.
Take your pick.
- oh.
- wait, who else
has he been ***?
You?
oh, gross.
- can't believe
you slept with all of them.
- you're a ***
girl-whisperer.
- okay.
- julian's a writer too.
- really.
- he wrote
the artist within.
*** genius.
- why are you asking me
to procure you drugs
Like i'm your assistant?
- i'm dating my dream crush.
Hitting my peak sexually.
- just give me my blow,
and let's just call it a day.
- no *** way,
rick springfield.
- you just don't want me
to be happy, charlie.
ha ha ha.
***.
You're going to get
your *** fired?
- if i fire you first.
- charlie.
You want to go back to
slinging beamers in the valley?
- all right,
maybe i got carried away.
- ? oh, yeah ?
? some people say
my love cannot be true ?
? please believe me, my love,
and i'll show you ?
? i will give you those things
you thought unreal ?
? the sun, the moon, the stars
all bear my seal ?
- like one glass
of that wine,
But i don't like--
- hey.
- hey.
- what's the dilly, yo?
Where are you
fine young wenches
Off to this evening?
- oh, dinner, yeah.
- oh.
Great, i could eat.
You just
give me a second?
I want to change my shirt.
these pits are barking.
No, actually,
that's pretty good.
Salty.
Yeah, you girls
want some of this?
Check it out?
keeps you regular.
All right,
what are we thinking?
- we're thinking that you
weren't exactly invited.
- oh.
that *** is cold.
- yeah, you know
marcy's in a funk
About the whole
rick springfield of it all.
So--
- hey, chels.
- we were going to, you know,
take her out,
Show her a good time.
Lady stuff.
- i like the lady stuff.
- i know you do.
- i was kind of
looking forward to this
As a little
family togetherness time.
- oh, well,
maybe next time.
- 'cause i thought
it might be good foreplay.
- oh, um, family togetherness
equals foreplay how exactly?
- well, it's been
quite some time
Since we've lain together--
- yeah. yeah.
- as man and woman.
- and it's going to be--it's
going to be some time, hank.
- really? can you--
- mm-hmm.
- how many
days, weeks, months?
- well, when i close my eyes,
and i don't see you inside
That annoying little simp
of a woman.
- oh, that's gross.
- then--then maybe
i'll be good to go.
- why, why--
- i mean, roughly speaking.
- why you got to
be like that?
- was it good, hank?
the sex?
- ah, come on.
- did she rock your world?
Did she ***
your brains out?
- oh, stop, i was
performing a service, karen.
When a plumber
works on pipes,
He doesn't think about
the quality of the pipes.
He just fixes
the *** out of them,
And then he goes
the *** home.
And drinks to forget.
All right, well,
you guys have a lovely evening.
Say hi to the marce
for me.
Tell her
to keep her chin up.
I'll be fine here alone.
Eating a pb&j
under a bare bulb.
? ?
- ground control
to major ***.
- not a good time, hank.
- i'm getting a serious
relocation vibe, here.
You moving
north of wilshire?
- i got the ax, hank.
***-canned.
Charlie runkle is once again
an agent without an agency.
- rick springfield ankled?
- that's right.
That he-man, woman-hating
salad-*** is now in play.
- buck up, chuck.
you've still got me.
I'm bound to put pen to paper
one of these days.
Hey, *** you.
- whoo-hoo.
- all right, runkle.
Here are the rest of them.
I trust you will be discreet,
Especially with the ones
with my legs akimbo.
- sure thing, sue.
- ah, the writer
who doesn't write.
I take it you're off
with jerry maguire, here.
- oh, undoubtedly.
Homies before hos,
you know?
- ah, good.
well, it saved me a phone call.
There's no heat on you.
I mean, you're as cold
as a witch's ***.
- ouchie-wahwah.
The lady's really got it
in for me this evening.
- hey, hey, hey.
it's just business.
- oh, yeah.
- you understand.
- i get it.
- nothing personal.
- nope.
- now, runkle.
Just because
we no longer have
A professional
relationship
Does not mean that you
cannot wine me, dine me,
And stand-up 69 me
once in a while, huh?
- dear god.
- well, she's got a point.
There's no reason
you should let
A professional misstep
come between you
And a quality 69.
- so you fire me,
But you still want me around
as some sort of boy toy?
- how's sundays for you?
- charlie runkle
is not a doormat.
He's not some little puppy
that comes trotting back
After being kicked
to the curb.
- you go, girl.
- suit yourself, stallion.
You know,
we could have been
Lifelong *** buddies,
runkle.
Leave your keys
with rhonda.
Collini, out.
- she's a sweet woman.
Salt of the earth, really.
i'm going to miss her.
- really?
- not really.
Want to get
some gin and juice?
- ooh, hoochie-mama.
Think i'm going to
take me one of these.
- bad boy.
? ?
- two hamsters
in a *** cage,
Going round and round.
When will we ever learn?
- hey, i'm still working off
last year's sins.
You're the one with
fresh blood on your hands.
- no, i didn't commit
any crimes, though.
That's the thing.
Karen was
clear across the country.
I thought
we had an understanding.
We did.
- oh.
- she did some things.
Ugh.
clearly i did some things.
But we're being very adult
and european about it.
- no matter what they say,
*** don't like it
When you ***
other ***.
- word.
And they don't like it when
you call them ***, either.
- oh.
- fyi for you, charlie runkle.
- so you think
we'll ever get it right?
- mm.
That remains to be seen.
I think that ultimately
They're going to
have to raise the white flag
And just accept us
for the emotional retards
That we are,
don't you think?
- one would think.
- yeah.
- just hope my wiener
still works.
- mm.
You'll be punishing
that thing
With gnarled,
arthritic hands.
Don't you worry.
- i still love her, though.
- yeah.
- you know?
My sweet little piece
of marcipan.
- yeah.
- those ***?
- mm.
- her teeny, tiny bajinie.
- that's enough.
- yeah, after
all these years,
She still gets this white man
harder than igneous rock.
- settle down,
white man.
Take it
to the restroom.
- don't you have
those moments sometimes?
You know, when you just--
you think to yourself, god--
I love this woman,
and i always will.
- there was this one time--
I fell asleep in the porsche
outside of bill's house.
- just once?
- becca found me.
It was, like,
two or three years ago, i think.
And karen invited me in
and made me breakfast.
Now, i know that becca,
I'm sure, strong-armed her
into inviting me in.
But,
that's not the point.
She made me breakfast,
and she didn't have to.
You know, she made me
this omelet that was delicious.
Perfect breakfast.
You know why?
because she made it for me.
- mm.
- and then she told me
to grow the *** up
And get on with my life.
But that didn't matter.
Because it was
one of those moments
Where i decided--
i resolved--
That i was
going to keep on fighting.
You know, i've--
i've lost many battles,
But i've never lost sight
of the war.
No retreat, baby.
No surrender.
Jesus christ, runkle,
are you weeping again?
- well, it was sweet.
you--you moved me.
- jesus.
- hey, hey.
- get a load of this
***.
- no ***, brosephina,
you spilled on my buddy here.
- i did, sorry.
- hey, uh, excuse me.
- just, you know what,
let it go.
- excuse me.
i don't mean to be a nudge.
- let it go, hank, just--
you know, it's not worth--
- just now,
when you said you were sorry,
It didn't really sound like
you were sincere to me.
It was, like,
"eh, i'm sorry."
Perfunctory.
- you understand that word?
- man, i am sorry.
did i spill on your girlfriend?
'cause i can get you and
your lady another drink.
- oh.
I believe our manhood
was just assailed.
- i believe you're right.
What are we going to do
about this?
- i know what i'm going to do
about it.
- whoa.
***, i knew it.
Couple of real-life
faggots.
- charlie.
That's right, baby.
We're here, we're ***,
and get used to it.
- let me at him.
- ? let it shine ?
? let it shine ?
? let it shine ?
- thank you.
- you might want to think
about popping a breath mint
Or chewing some gum
every now and again.
Your mouth tastes like
a hobo's taint.
- why you got to do that?
Why you got to make me feel
self-conscious?
Do you have gum
or a breath mint or something?
- what are we going to do now?
- something fun, huh?
Um, you want to go back
to my place,
Watch some dvds?
The girls are out
for the night.
- i'm not
going to watch ***
With you, charlie runkle.
Creeps me out.
- we'll watch a regular movie.
i don't care.
- no, no, no, the last time
you talked me into movie night,
I sat there and watched you
play pocket pool for two hours.
Men should not experience
*** together.
It's unseemly.
- excuse me, mr. morality.
I didn't know
you had all these, you know,
Special rules,
about home entertainment.
- you know what?
the night is young.
It's in diapers,
for christ's sakes.
What do you say,
you and me,
We go on
a good, old-fashioned bender?
- aw,
i could roll with that.
- you can roll with it?
- i can roll with it.
- well, then, you roll
with it, ***.
- proceeding to roll.
? ?
- i think
i'm sewing it up.
I tell you, seriously.
it has led me astray.
- thank you.
- that's disgusting.
And, also,
what's it going to solve?
- i'm lost.
Are you talking about
your heart or your ***?
- look at you.
Using all the proper names
for things.
- well, it is
her father's favorite word.
- i'm speaking
of my ***, sweetheart.
I don't have
a heart anymore.
I lost that years ago.
I think it was the night
of the squirting incident.
Remember that, huh?
Okay, i'll say no more.
- you know--you know what?
You had the fantasy.
I mean,
how many people can say
That they slept with
their teen idol, right?
That's--that's--
- how many people
can say
They slept with
rick springfield?
Only every ***, ho, and thief
in greater l.a. county.
Ugh! bleh!
Ah, what was i thinking?
You just--you don't put yourself
out there like that.
- it was good--it was good--
- take notes.
- because you owed it
to your younger self, right?
I mean, you needed to explore
that whole area.
- really?
Were there any areas
you explored
When you was in
new york?
- i don't think we need to--
- what, mom?
- yes, please,
not in front of the child.
- no, screw that.
Tonight, you're a grown's-up.
You're out on
girls' night out--g.n.o.
You want a "zip"
of my wine?
- marce.
- mm-hmm.
? ?
- oh, check it out.
south of heaven.
- no.
- first edition,
signed by the author.
- portrait of the artist
as a dirty young man.
What did i inscribe?
- "to kelly:
best oral ever."
Who is kelly?
- i don't know.
- i think we should find out.
- poor kelly.
- sounds like
she had mad skills.
- oh, early hank moody,
going for 100 big ones.
- that real money?
maybe in pesos.
- that's 100% john wayne-style
american dollar.
- ***.
People are willing
to pay good money
For my early,
beer-soaked ramblings?
I've increased in value.
The franklin mint can lick me
where the good lord split me.
- it's a shame that money
doesn't go to you.
It goes to sleepy-eyes
over there.
- no ***.
I do all the work.
And weird beard over there
profits off my words,
My autograph, my memories
of sweet gifted kelly.
It probably costs
To keep him in tie dye
and birkenstocks
And crystals.
- true "dat."
And you know
there's no way
I'm seeing my 10% either.
- you could really use
that ten-spot right about now,
Couldn't you.
- right?
- cover me--i'm going
abbie hoffman on this ***.
- oh, okay. hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
I got you.
- you know, runkle.
Information
- take it on home.
- wants to be free.
I think we're good.
- got it?
- let's go.
- we bad.
We bad, we bad.
- stop that.
- we bad.
- stop it.
- wait, let me get you.
- no.
- let me get you
covered, here.
Let me get you.
- charlie.
- i what?
- don't do that, you're an ***.
- holy ***, look at this.
The artist within
gets himself an entire table.
- all right,
how much does
A first ***
sir walter dali go for?
- 95 bucks.
- yes.
I win.
Suck it and taste it,
artist within my yam bag.
Hold on a second,
i got to let one rip.
Switch with me?
- okay, okay, okay.
- come on.
- slow down!
Come on, man.
Whoa, ow, ow.
- get up.
- i'm down.
man down.
- get up.
get the man up.
- okay, the man's up.
oh!
- hey, don't ***
with the pinkberry.
- we can't stop.
we can't stop.
- you know there's no one
chasing you, right, dad?
- no?
- so there isn't.
Phew.
- this is fun.
We have fun.
- why are you looking at me
like that, you goon?
- are you ready
for an adventure, marce?
- no.
Please stop doing that
with your face.
- we should move
to new york, hmm,
With our friends,
the van der moodys.
- what?
- i did it.
I got fired.
Whoo!
That's it--there's nothing
tying us here, man.
You got dumped
by a pervy rock star,
And i lost my job.
- well, tell everybody.
- ? freedom's just
another word for ?
? i'm a free bird ?
- he's freaking me out.
- yeah, me too.
- this is what two white winters
will do to you.
- my deeny's sewn up
tighter than ever.
- that was great, charlie.
congratulations.
- come on, come with us.
- no.
- the next stop
is the convenience store.
Hey, hey.
What kind of snacks
do you like?
- stop it.
- because i--i like snacks.
- you know what?
It's--it's--it's past
our, um, bedtime.
- what about us?
what about ours?
- way past your bedtime.
Come on.
no, you know what?
You get to put yourself
to bed tonight.
- you too, charles, from now on,
you're going to be changing
Your own diapers
and wiping your own ***.
I am done being your mommy.
- okay.
But could you just please--
could you--
Could you say ***
one more time again?
Because i can work
with that for days.
- i want you to have this.
This is your heritage
and your inheritance.
I liberated it
just moments ago.
- what is that?
- stop it.
- who's kelly?
- i've been thinking about that
for, like, ten minutes.
She's either
A cocktail waitress
from toronto
Or a very promising young
marine biologist.
- either way, your father's
very lucky to have known her.
- okay, that's it.
let's go.
- okay.
- bye.
- your loss, ladies.
- thank you.
- i guess you're never
going to know the splendor
Of a cheese doodle burp.
- stop selling, runkle.
Come on.
- good point.
- good evening.
I think she liked me.
- kim, wasabi?
- wasabi?
- living the dreams, hank.
living the dream.
- hey, you get the ***.
i'll get the snacks.
- this is all the snack
a brother needs.
- hey, you got
your guilty pleasures.
I got mine.
i like--
- oh!
Ow! the humanity.
- jesus christ, hank, come on.
- jesus, hank.
- i'm sorry, kim.
i'll pay for it.
- you bet your ***
you pay for it.
- yeah.
- ***, man.
- yeah, yeah.
- you got scolded.
- yeah.
- i heard it.
- hey, i saw that.
- saw what, homie?
- what are you doing?
put that *** back.
- the *** you care?
- what do i care?
Kim and his wife
kim are good people,
And you're stealing
from them.
You need money,
get a paper route or something.
That's ***.
- whatever.
- whatever?
- leave him alone, hank.
- no, the kid's stealing.
that's not cool.
- he's a kid,
and need i remind you,
We borrowed ourselves
some hardcover nonfiction
This very evening?
- that is totally different.
- of course it is.
- there's no law against
an author stealing his own work.
- what about julian?
- there's no law
against stealing
From a colossal ***.
Wait, check this out.
no, i got an idea.
Hey. no, no.
no, it's cool.
You put that *** back,
and i'll give you this book.
People swear by it.
it'll change your life.
Put you
on the straight and narrow.
And if it doesn't,
you can use it as toilet paper.
check it out.
the artist within.
- hank.
- my ***.
- here you go.
- hank.
- yeah, take it, take it.
shut up, charlie,
I'm schooling this kid.
- hank.
- what, what?
Ah, ah!
- dude, give me
your *** wallet, man.
- yeah, yeah.
- all right.
- okay, just take it easy.
- hurry the *** up, man.
- you win, all right.
settle down.
No, you got it.
you got it.
- take it easy.
- shut the *** up.
- just take it.
treat yourself.
- what, are you kidding me?
What the ***?
what the *** is this?
- i work on commission, bro.
- shut the *** up.
You think this is
a *** joke?
- i got a daughter.
- oh, ***.
- get out of my store,
***!
get out!
you ***!
*** you!
Get back here!
- *** me.
- ah, right on,
let's go.
- i thought
that was it, hank.
The end.
- i know
what you mean, broheme.
- what was going
through your head?
- what do you think?
Karen and becca.
And how much i love them.
And how much time i've wasted
being a selfish prick.
What a cosmic ***-you
it would be
If you were
the last person i kissed
Before i died.
- i don't know.
I think it would have been
kind of poetic, actually.
- for you, maybe.
- i know what you mean,
though.
I had my whole life
flash before my eyes, really.
Just like, uh, like a tivo
on fast-forward.
And you know what?
It was
really *** pathetic.
- oh, i believe you.
- okay, what now?
where do we go from here?
- i'm not entirely sure.
But if you thought
we were drinking before,
You were dead wrong
because now--
- we are going to do
some drinking. you with me?
- oh, till the end,
my nubian brother.
Till the bitter end.
I love you, bro.
- hey, settle down.
don't soil yourself.
Again.
- make the car
go very fast.
- okay, just one drink.
So that missy here
doesn't slit her wrists
When she's left all alone.
- oh, but you forget.
I won't be alone.
'cause i got yertle the turtle
as my roommate.
All the disadvantages
of being married
And none of the advantages.
- and what would those be,
if you don't mind my asking?
- those what?
- the advantages
of being married.
I need to know so i don't
end up as bitter as you guys.
- ***, is that
how we sound?
- so far i haven't heard much
in the pro-men column.
The best
you can hope for, i guess,
Is that they make you laugh
and occasionally
Fix things
around the house.
- yeah, that would be great.
what?
I would kill for a guy
to fix things around the house.
- what we meant to say was--
- don't look at me.
I know i'm bitter.
i own that ***.
I ams who i's ams.
- well, i'm not bitter.
Am i bitter?
Maybe i am.
I'm disillusioned.
that's what i am.
I'm definitely
disillusioned.
- come on, mom.
what did you think would happen?
Did you think
if you left
He would grow up
all of a sudden?
- no, i just--
You know,
i wish we didn't
Have to prop him up
all the time.
- so what's the point
in wishing for something
That's never
going to come true?
He's never
going to change, mom.
He's always going to be
that drunken fool
In the middle
of abbot kinney.
The same guy
who wrote this book.
And if that's not
what you want,
Then you have to be
the one to walk away.
Because he never will.
- god, jesus.
I love this little buddha
you shot out of your ***.
So wise.
Mm.
- jesus.
Feel like i've been ***
in the *** by god himself.
And he--he--he pulled out
and *** all over my face.
Got in my eyes, and now
i can't even open them properly.
- i'm hungry.
you?
- so our ladies must be
worried sick about us, huh?
You know why?
- why?
- 'cause we're
a couple of dirty stay-outs.
- no missed calls.
- huh, me neither.
Well, whatever.
Oh, this was fun.
we should do this more often.
- you know, i can do this
because i'm an artist.
But you?
you're a *** businessman.
A sucker
in a three-piece suit.
You got to keep
your *** together.
- doesn't sound
very fair at all.
- i didn't make the rules.
You know, you're a good friend,
you bald ***.
I'm lucky to have you.
- same here, buddy.
You're a really good kisser,
too, you know that?
Karen doesn't know what
she's missing right now.
- there's a good chance
i would have
Forgotten about that.
- oh, no.
- thanks for calling it back.
- god, i am sore.
My *** back
is killing me.
Got quite a workout
last night, huh?
- hey, charlie?
- yeah.
- did we get
tattoos last night?
- did we what?
Oh, no, hank.
Hank, what did i do?
- i don't know,
but we're about to find out.
Bend over, big boy,
and drop your drawers.
And i hope
that's the last time
I ever say that to you.
- jesus christ,
say it ain't so, hank.
- whoo.
Oh, it is so.
It is definitely so.
- why would you
let me do that, hank?
Why would you let me
get a *** stamp?
Why--why would you
do that to me?
- look on the bright side.
it's a beautiful tattoo.
The artist definitely
outdid his self.
- jesus christ,
it's a god damn butterfly,
Isn't it hank?
now i remember.
It's all coming back to me.
I'm such
a *** idiot.
Okay, all right, come on.
let's go.
We're going
to the removal place right now.
Let's go.
hey.
- come on, let's go!
- good morning.
- morning.
- how was your night?
- you know, it was great.
it was really good.
- great.
- yours?
- mine was interesting.
Definitely had its moments.
I didn't *** anyone,
if that's what you're wondering.
- uh, no, i wasn't,
actually.
- ***.
How's marcy?
- uh, she'll live,
you know.
- well, that's good.
And you?
how are you?
- i'm trying.
- that's all
anybody can ask, huh?
- right.
- hey, check this out.
- hank, don't--
- no, no, no. no.
Huh?
Am i supposed
to be impressed?
- that's the idea, yeah.
- hmm.
- hmm?
I scar myself for you.
I stigmatize myself for you.
And that's all i get
as a response, is "hmm?"
Hmm?
- ? can you see the light ?
- ? can you hear the hum ?
? of our song ?
- are you hungry?
- ? i hope they
get it right ?
- would you like
some breakfast?
- ? i hope we
dance tonight ?
- i would love
some breakfast.
- ? before we
get it wrong ?
? now i see you ?
? till kingdom come ?
? you're the one i want
to see me ?
? for all
the stupid *** i've done ?