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Christian: WHERE DO YOU FIND
THESE PEOPLE, SEAN?
IS THERE SOME KIND OF CRAIG'S
LIST FOR THE UGLY AND
UNEMPLOYED?
>> OUR CONTRACT WITH THE LANDAUS
ALLOWS US 4 PRO-BONOS EVERY
MONTH. I PLAN ON
MEETING THAT QUOTA.
>> FREE SURGERY IS LIKE SEX
WITHOUT AN ***.
>> UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE
PATIENT'S NAME IS BLUE MONDAY,
IN WHICH CASE THE FREE SURGERY
FOLLOWS AN ***.
>> [SIGHS] IS IT HOT IN HERE?
>> NO.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
>> I HAD STREP THROAT A COUPLE
WEEKS AGO.
I GUESS I HAVEN'T KICKED IT.
[SIGHS]
>> HAD A GREAT RUN, CHRISTIAN,
IT'S TIME TO GIVE BACK.
>> I DO GIVE BACK, AS MUCH AS MY
ACCOUNTANT SAYS I HAVE TO.
>> CHARITY ISN'T AN ISSUE OF
YOUR ACCOUNT, IT'S AN ISSUE OF
CONSCIENCE. AM I RIGHT?
>> GO BACK TO WORK.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
I HAVE A GARDEN VARIETY CASE OF
STREP THROAT.
>> DOCTORS, CAN DR. CRUZ
AND I HAVE SOME PRIVACY?
>> NO, IT'S OK, IT'S OK,
THEY CAN STAY.
>> YOU'VE DEVELOPED ACUTE
GLOMERULAR NEPHRITIS.
IT'S NOT UNCOMMON AFTER A BOUT
OF STREP.
>> WHAT'S HER FILTRATION RATE?
>> SHE ONLY HAS ABOUT 10% LEFT.
SHE'S GOING TO NEED A NEW KIDNEY
TO REPLACE HER REMAINING ONE.
[MONITORS BEEP]
>> I'M GONNA RECOMMEND THAT YOU
BEGIN DIALYSIS IMMEDIATELY.
>> DIALYSIS TAKES 6 HOURS A DAY,
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK?
>> I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF
PLACING YOU ON THE NATIONAL
DONOR LIST. YOU WERE OFFICIALLY
62,342 IN LINE.
>> THAT LIST IS ***.
PEOPLE WAIT YEARS FOR ONE OF
THOSE ORGANS.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY FAMILY THAT
MIGHT BE WILLING TO VOLUNTEER AS
A DONOR?
>> MY ONLY LIVING RELATIVE
IS MY MOTHER, AND WHEN MY FATHER
DIED LAST YEAR, SHE BANNED ME
FROM THE FUNERAL.
AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED, MY
BEING GAY IS WHAT KILLED HIM,
SO I DON'T THINK THAT SHE'S
GOING TO BE OFFERING UP
A KIDNEY ANYTIME SOON.
>> SEAN AND I WILL GET TESTED.
>> YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
>> JESUS, LIZ, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE FAMILY. RIGHT, SEAN?
>> OF COURSE.
>> [CRYING]
[MUSIC BEGINS]
♪ AHH...
MAKE ME...
BEAUTIFUL...
MAKE ME...
A PERFECT SOUL,
A PERFECT MIND,
A PERFECT FACE,
A PERFECT...
LIE ♪
[BOTH MOANING]
>> CHRISTIAN!
IT'S NOT YOUR FACE I WANT TO
SEE, IT'S HERS.
>> SCREW THIS.
>> CHRISTIAN, WAIT!
>> WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
GOING?
>> I'M DONE PLAYING ***.
>> MAYBE YOU'RE DONE PLAYING
DOCTOR, CHRISSY.
YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR, AND I'M
GONNA CHOP THAT LITTLE FLESH
SHOP OF YOURS INTO FISH BAIT.
>> YOU CAN HAVE IT. AND HER.
HOPEFULLY ONE OF THEM WILL GET
YOU A HARD-ON.
YOU'RE DONE PLAYING WITH MY
10-INCH ***.
>> CHRISTIAN...
CHRISTIAN!
DON'T GO!
>> HOW CAN YOU BE WITH A MAN
WHO TREATS YOU THAT WAY?
WHY DO YOU STAY? FOR THE MONEY?
>> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
I LOSE EVERYTHING IF I LEAVE.
I WON'T GO BACK TO THAT HOLE
I WAS IN BEFORE I MET BURT.
>> WHAT HOLE, HOOKING?
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE YOU EVER
STOPPED.
I'M SORRY.
>> NO!
>> COME WITH ME. COME WITH ME.
COME WITH ME NOW. COME WITH ME.
>> NO. I WON'T BELONG TO
ANOTHER MAN.
BURT...BOUGHT MY MOTHER A HOUSE.
HE GAVE MY SISTERS JOBS.
THIS ISN'T ONLY ABOUT ME.
WE HAVE TO BE SMART, CHRISTIAN.
PLEASE. DON'T MAKE ANY WAVES.
I CAN GET US OUT OF THIS.
>> TELL YOUR HUSBAND HE CAN FIRE
ME. I'M NOBODY'S ***.
[STARTS ENGINE]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
>> WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU, DAWN?
MORE LIPO?
>> HMMPH.
GOD KNOWS I COULD USE IT.
IN THE PAST 6 HOURS I HAVE
CONSUMED MORE FRY HOPPERS
THAN A FRENCH *** DURING
THE NAZI OCCUPATION.
THOSE COOKIES AND THE OXYCONTIN
ARE THE ONLY THING KEEPIN' ME
FROM PASSIN' OUT RIGHT HERE
FROM PAIN.
>> PAIN?
>> I WAS EAR-JACKED.
>> CARJACKED?
>> EAR-JACKED!
JESUS! I GOT ONE EAR,
I CAN HEAR BETTER THAN YOU.
[SIGHS]
AFTER DWIGHT LEFT ME FOR
MALLORY, I WENT ON A 4-WEEK FAST
FOOD BENDER. ARBYS, K.F.C.
I EVEN BOUGHT A POPEYE'S
FRANCHISE FOR GOOD MEASURE.
WELL, AFTER THOUSANDS OF GRAMS
OF SATURATED FAT FAILED TO MEND
MY BROKEN HEART, I DROVE ON DOWN
TO BOCA...
[CAMERA SNAPPING]
PICKED MYSELF UP A GORGEOUS PAIR
OF HONKIN' EARRINGS.
FIRST MISTAKE I MADE?
WEARIN' THEM IN PUBLIC.
[VROOM VROOM]
[SCREAMING]
>> AHHH!
[CAMERA SNAPPING]
>> SO WHAT'S IT GONNA COST ME,
DOC, FOR THE NEW EAR?
>> WELL, MRS. BUDGE--
>> MISS. I'M SINGLE NOW.
>> OH. MISS BUDGE,
WE CAN REBUILD THE
EAR USING CARTILAGE AND FATTY
TISSUE FROM OTHER PARTS OF YOUR
BODY.
>> GOD KNOWS YOU GOT PLENTY.
>> ZIP IT, PRETTY BOY.
WHAT'S OPTION 2?
>> WE CAN ATTACH AN
ARTIFICIAL EAR.
MADE OUT OF SILICONE.
>> WHAT AM I, PLASTIC MAN?
I'LL LOOK LIKE A MANNEQUIN AT
LANE BRYANT.
THIS EAR HAS TO BE PERFECT.
NOW THAT I AM OPRAH-RICH AND
BACK ON THE DATING SCENE, I PLAN
ON NABBIN' MY OWN STEDMAN WITHIN
ONE YEAR.
>> THERE IS ONE OTHER
POSSIBILITY.
IT'S FAIRLY NEW TECHNOLOGY AND
IT WON'T BE CHEAP.
>> SWEETIE, I WIPE MY *** WITH
$100 BILLS.
>> ALL RIGHT.
THEN WE'LL MAKE AN APPOINTMENT
AT THE GENETICS LAB.
>> UH-HUH.
>> GENETICS LAB?
>> THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE GONNA
GROW YOU A NEW EAR.
>> OH...
GOD!
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
OH...
DEEPER.
AHHH!
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
OH...
>> OH...
I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE KNOTS AND THE
MUSCLES.
YOU'RE LIKE THIS MASS OF
SCULPTED STEEL.
>> OH, YOU'RE TOO SWEET.
IT'S PILATES.
WILL YOU GET MY LOWER BACK?
>> YEAH.
>> OH...
YEAH.
[SIGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> WELL...I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST, YOU WERE MOANING...
>> WE'RE FRIENDS, MATT.
I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU.
>> LOOK, KIMBER,
I'M SORRY, BUT I LIKE YOU.
I GUESS YOU HAVE THAT EFFECT
ON THE MEN IN MY FAMILY.
>> AND YOU THOUGHT THAT BECAUSE
I HAD RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR
DADS THAT I WAS JUST GONNA SCREW
YOU, TOO?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT
THAN THEY WERE, MATT.
>> YEAH, I AM.
I'M SPIRITUAL.
I JUST SPENT THE LAST MONTH
PICKING UP *** IN FRONT
OF CHURCH BUILDINGS,
FOR CHRIST SAKE.
>> DID YOU DO THAT FOR YOUR
GROWTH OR TO IMPRESS ME?
[SIGHS]
>> OK...
GET OUT.
I DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH YOU HERE
ANYMORE. GO.
>> OK.
>> YOU'RE NOT A MATCH.
>> HOW CLOSE WAS I?
>> YOU'RE A 5 OUT OF 6,
THAT'S ALMOST A PERFECT MATCH.
WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF AS
PROMISCUOUS, DOCTOR?
YOUR BLOOD TESTED HIGH FOR AN
ANTIBODY THAT ONLY APPEARS IN
PEOPLE WITH AN UNUSUALLY HIGH
NUMBER OF *** PARTNERS.
>> SO I CAN'T GIVE LIZ A KIDNEY
BECAUSE I'VE HAD TOO MUCH SEX?
THERE'S IRONY FOR YOU.
>> YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED.
[SCOFFS]
>> I FIXED A NUMBER OF
NEPHRECTOMY SCARS.
IT'S ALMOST TO IMPOSSIBLE TO
REGAIN MUSCLE DEFINITION
IN THE AFFECTED AREAS.
THERE ARE OTHER POSSIBLE
COMPLICATIONS.
INCONTINENCE, INFECTION,
CLOTTING.
>> YOU ARE AWARE
THAT THE RESULTS ARE
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL?
I'M ONLY OBLIGATED TO REVEAL
THE FINDINGS TO THE DONOR.
>> ARE YOU SAYING YOU'LL
LIE FOR ME?
>> I'M SAYING IT'S MY
RESPONSIBILITY TO TEST YOU,
BUT IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO
INFORM ANY INTERESTED PARTIES
THAT YOU'RE A MATCH.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
>> MR. LANDAU'S HERE TO SEE YOU.
SAYS IT'S URGENT.
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> YES.
>> ARE YOU A MATCH?
>> NO, ARE YOU?
>> NO. ANY OTHER IDEAS HOW WE
CAN HELP HER?
>> WELL, YOU CAN GET MEDICAL
MARIJUANA AND RUSSIAN BRIDES
OVER THE INTERNET THESE DAYS,
I'M SURE WE CAN FIND OURSELVES
A KIDNEY.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT
THIS COME TO JESUS MEETING WITH
BURT IS ALL ABOUT?
>> YEAH, WE'RE GONNA GET FIRED.
HE FOUND OUT ABOUT MICHELLE AND
I, AND HE SAID IF WE DIDN'T
SCREW IN FRONT OF HIM, THEN HE
WOULD TEAR THE BUSINESS APART.
TURNS OUT THE OLD BIRD IS A
*** ***.
>> JESUS, CHRISTIAN.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IF ANYTHING
WAS GONNA BRING THIS PLACE TO
ITS KNEES,
IT WOULD BE YOUR ***.
>> [CHUCKLES]
>> THINK YOU CAN GET US OUT OF
THIS?
>> NOT UNLESS YOU GOT A 12 GAUGE
AND A BUNCH OF HAMS.
>> IT HAPPENED 2 NIGHTS AGO.
THE DOCTOR SAID IT WAS AN
ISCHEMIC STROKE.
>> WERE YOU STRAINING?
A BOWEL MOVEMENT?
>> WE WERE HAVING SEX.
WE MADE IT TO THE HOSPITAL
WITHIN HALF AN HOUR.
THEY TOLD US THE CLOT HAD
DISSIPATED.
>> SORRY, BUT IF THE CLOT IS
FULLY DISSOLVED AND HE'S ALREADY
ON THE ANTI-COAGULANTS, WHAT DO
YOU WANT US TO DO?
>> [SLOWLY] YOU'RE MY PLASTIC
SURGEON.
FIX MY *** FACE.
>> WHERE IS DR. TROY?
THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.
>> HE'S CARING FOR A SICK
ASSOCIATE.
>> OH! NO NEED TO LIE.
THE MAN IS TERRIFIED OF OUR
*** CHEMISTRY.
I GET IT.
[TAPPING ON MICROPHONE]
>> HERE IT IS.
ISN'T HE BEAUTIFUL?
WE CALL HIM VINCENT.
>> AFTER THE 19th CENTURY
PAINTER VINCENT VAN GOGH,
WHO'S INFAMOUS FOR CUTTING OFF
HIS EAR.
>> THANKS, SISTER WENDY.
I JUST BOUGHT ONE OF HIS
PAINTINGS. I GOT IT HANGING
IN MY BATHROOM.
EVERY TIME I TAKE A DUMP NOW, I
FEEL ARTISTIC.
SO, DOC, WHAT'D YOU DO? SHAVE
THE POOR THING DOWN?
>> IT'S A NUDE MOUSE.
>> IT'S GENETICALLY ALTERED
TO BE BORN WITHOUT A THYMUS
GLAND.
IT HAS LIMITED T-CELLS, WHICH
MEANS IT CAN'T FIGHT OFF
INFECTIONS.
>> IT ALSO MEANS HE'S LESS
LIKELY TO REJECT DONATED TISSUE.
>> MMM.
DOES IT HURT WHEN YOU SEW THAT
THING ON HIM?
>> NO.
WE IMPLANT A TINY EAR-SHAPED
SCAFFOLD, FILLED WITH DONOR
TISSUE INTO OUR GUY'S BACK.
HIS BLOOD NOURISHES THE GROWING
CELLS, AND IN ABOUT 6 WEEKS, YOU
HAVE AN EAR.
>> I FORWARDED DR. KAPLAR YOUR
BLOOD WORK, SO HE PICKED THIS
MOUSE BASED ON THE RESULTS.
YOU'LL ALSO BE GIVEN A HEAVY
DOSE OF ANTI-REJECTION DRUGS
TO AID THE PROCESS.
>> EVEN THEN, THERE'S STILL
A 20% CHANCE THAT YOUR BODY WILL
REJECT THE TISSUE.
>> FINE. WRAP IT UP.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, THE CAGE
BETTER BE INCLUDED IN THE PRICE.
>> YOU CAN'T TAKE THE MOUSE
WITH YOU.
>> I USED TO RAISE FERRETS IN
THE BACK OF MY TRAILER. I KNOW
HOW TO CARE FOR A RODENT.
>> THIS MOUSE HAS NO IMMUNE
SYSTEM, SO IT MIGHT NOT SURVIVE
OUTSIDE OF A STERILE
ENVIRONMENT.
>> I'LL HAVE MARGO COME TWICE
A DAY. SHE'S MY CLEANING WOMAN.
DOESN'T SPEAK A WORD OF ENGLISH,
BUT LET ME TELL YA, SHE CAN
LIMPIE MI CASA MUY BUENO.
>> I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
>> OH, OH, OH, OH. ALL RIGHT.
FINE, VINNY STAYS.
BUT I NEED TO HOLD HIM.
I WANT TO BOND WITH MY EAR.
>> OH, OH!
ISN'T HE ADORABLE?
AH! I ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR
BALDIES. LOOK! LOOK AT HIM!
OH, GOSH.
OH, TO THINK WHAT THIS LITTLE
GUY IS GONNA GO THROUGH, JUST SO
I CAN WEAR A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES
AGAIN.
>> HEH.
WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE'RE
CREATING LIFE OF THE NOBLEST
FORM DEDICATED SOLELY TO MAKING
OTHERS WELL.
>> JUST LIKE YOU, DOC.
>> THANKS, VINNY.
>> HE CAN'T HEAR YOU
THROUGH THAT.
>> OH.
[WOMAN TALKING ON P.A.]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
[LAUGHTER]
>> HEY, LIZ.
>> HEY.
>> THESE ARE FOR YOU.
>> AWW, THANK YOU, HONEY. MMM.
MMM. OK. HE'S HERE.
YOU GUYS GONNA TELL ME NOW?
WHICH ONE'S GOING UNDER THE
KNIFE SO I CAN GET OUT OF HERE?
>> I'M SORRY, LIZ. NEITHER ONE
OF US IS A MATCH.
>> SEAN AND I WENT TO SCHOOL
WITH SOME PEOPLE FROM
THE AMERICAN KIDNEY FOUNDATION.
WE'LL TRY AND GET YOU BUMPED UP
THE LIST.
>> SO SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN
WAITING LONGER GETS SCREWED
OVER TO SAVE ME?
OH, NO. I WOULDN'T BE ABLE
TO LIVE WITH MYSELF.
>> LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HMM?
THEY'RE GONNA SUCK A POUND OF
LIQUID OUT OF YOU EVERY TIME YOU
COME IN HERE. YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
FIT INTO YOUR SKINNY JEANS.
>> OK. OK. THAT'S ENOUGH
OF ME COMPLAINING.
DISTRACT ME.
HOW'S THE BABY, SEAN?
GOOD. BIGGER. HE'S STARTING
TO SMILE.
>> IT'S GREAT WHEN THEY
START TO GIVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING BACK, HUH?
>> ALL I'M ASKING IS YOU BUMP
HER UP A COUPLE OF NOTCHES ON
THE DONOR LIST.
YOU OWE ME, JIM. WHO HELPED YOU
GET INTO THE PANTS OF THAT
HOT BRAZILIAN RADIOLOGIST WITH
THE BIG FAKE *** WHEN WE WERE
RESIDENTS? HUH?
YOU MARRIED HER? PHEW, NO ***.
WELL, TELL HER I SAID HELLO.
>> BLOODWORK CAME BACK ON
BURT LANDAU. GUESS WHAT HE WAS
ON THE NIGHT OF HIS STROKE?
>> ***.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> YOUR HUSBAND WAS ON IT
THE NIGHT THAT HE HAD A STROKE.
YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT?
"I CAN GET US OUT OF THIS,
CHRISTIAN."
>> ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT
I GAVE IT TO HIM?
>> I'M SUGGESTING IT'S A LITTLE
ODD FOR A MAN TO TAKE A DRUG
THAT EVERY DOCTOR HE'S SEEN OVER
THE PAST 2 YEARS SAID COULD
KILL HIM.
>> HOW DARE YOU.
I AM NOT A MURDERER.
>> YOU'RE SAYING THROUGH ALL
OF THIS--THE SURGERIES,
YOU AND ME--YOU NEVER WISHED
HE WAS DEAD?
>> WISHING AND ACTUALLY DOING
SOMETHING ABOUT IT ARE 2 VERY
DIFFERENT THINGS.
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME.
>> WE'LL SEE IF I DO.
WHO GAVE YOU THE ***, BURT?
>> HMM? WHAT?
>> WHO GAVE YOU THE ***?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> STOP COVERING FOR HER.
SHE TRIED TO KILL YOU.
>> MMM.
NO, SHE DIDN'T.
I--I TOOK IT MYSELF.
STUPID.
BUT THOSE 3 MINUTES
INSIDE HER...
WERE WORTH GIVING UP.
HOW MANY YEARS I GOT LEFT?
>> WAIT. I'M SORRY--
>> STAY AWAY FROM ME.
IF I DIDN'T NEED YOU TO FIX
MY HUSBAND'S FACE, YOU'D BE
FIRED ALREADY.
FROM NOW ON, CONSIDER US
BUSINESS ASSOCIATES.
[ROLLING STONES SINGING
UNDER MY THUMB]
[KNOCKING]
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[CHUCKLES]
>> I WANT A PERSONALITY TEST.
>> GO AWAY, CHRISTIAN.
>> AW, COME ON, KIMMY. IT'S ME.
YOU KNOW, THE GUY YOU ALMOST
MARRIED.
LET ME IN. I NEED TO TALK YOU.
>> ♪ THE GIRL WHO ONCE
PUSHED ME AROUND,
IT'S DOWN TO ME... ♪
>> JESUS. YOU SMELL LIKE
A BREWERY.
>> YOU, YOU SMELL LIKE--
[INDISTINCT]
MMM, EVERY TIME I GET CLOSE
TO A WOMAN WHO'S WEARING
YOUR PERFUME, I GET A HARD-ON.
>> UNH. OK.
NOW I KNOW WHERE HE GETS IT
FROM.
>> HMM?
>> YOUR SON CAME ON TO ME
THE OTHER DAY.
>> OH.
>> SO CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU DON'T NEED TO FORCE ME
NOT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE.
YOUR GENES AND BAD INFLUENCE
HAVE DONE IT FOR YOU.
>> ♪ SHE'S UNDER MY THUMB... ♪
[CHUCKLES]
>> CAN I GET MYSELF A SCOTCH,
SWEETIE PIE?
>> ONE DRINK AND THEN
YOU HIT THE ROAD.
>> I'M SORRY ABOUT MATTIE.
OH, I'LL TALK TO HIM.
>> NO, DON'T.
HE--HE'S JUST YOUNG.
HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT
MEANS TO REALLY BELIEVE IN
SOMETHING YET.
>> ♪ THE WAY SHE TALKS
WHEN SHE'S SPOKEN TO,
DOWN TO ME... ♪
>> THAT *** REALLY WORKS FOR
YOU, HUH?
>> FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I FEEL
LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING I CAN
GIVE MYSELF REALLY TO, AND I CAN
EXPECT THE SAME IN RETURN.
>> ♪IT'S DOWN TO ME,
OH, YEAH... ♪
>> I NEVER GAVE TO YOU
LIKE THAT.
>> WHEN YOU WANTED TO.
BUT IT ALWAYS CAME WITH A PRICE.
[SCOFFS]
>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD AUDIT ME.
IF IT WORKS FOR YOU, THERE MUST
BE SOMETHING TO IT, RIGHT?
>> ♪ WELL, I,
I CAN STILL LOOK AT SOMEONE
ELSE,
IT'S DOWN TO ME,
OH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID,
THE WAY SHE TALKS
WHEN SHE'S SPOKEN TO,
DOWN TO ME,
CHANGE HAS COME,
SHE'S UNDER MY THUMB,
TAKE IT EASY, BABE... ♪
>> CHRISTIAN, STOP.
>> DON'T TELL ME YOU NEVER
THINK ABOUT ME, BABY.
HMM?
[SIGHS]
>> WHEN YOU'RE ALONE
IN BED AT NIGHT...
AND YOUR FINGERS FIND THEIR WAY
DOWN TO YOUR PRETTY LITTLE...
ROSEBUD?
YOU NEVER CLOSE YOUR EYES,
PRETEND THOSE HANDS ARE MINE?
>> OH, PLEASE, STOP, CHRISTIAN.
PLEASE. STOP.
[SHUDDERS]
[PANTING]
[THUD]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GASPING]
>> OH! OH!
>> MMM.
LET'S LOCK OURSELVES IN,
MAKE LOVE AND...
EAT TAKE-OUT FOR A FEW DAYS.
>> I NEED TO GO.
>> OK.
I HAVE A SEMINAR AT CHURCH
TOMORROW AFTERNOON, IF YOU WANT
TO COME BY, AND I'LL AUDIT YOU
THEN.
[LAUGHS]
>> OH, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I DON'T GIVE A *** ABOUT
YOUR WHACK-A-DOO RELIGION.
>> WHAT? YOU TOLD ME
YOU WANTED TO--
>> I SAID WHAT I ALWAYS SAY--
WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET
ME LAID.
>> HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO SCREW
ONE OF YOUR *** IF YOU NEEDED
TO GET LAID?
>> *** ONLY GIVE YOU
THEIR BODY. I NEEDED TO FEEL
LIKE THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN
THE WORLD, AND YOU'RE THE ONLY
PERSON WHO CAN DO THAT FOR ME.
DON'T WORRY, SWEETHEART.
I'M SURE THERE'S SOME CHAPTER IN
DIANETICS THAT'LL HELP YOU GET
THROUGH--
>> GET OUT! GET OUT!
I HATE YOU! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
[INDISTINCT]
[CRYING]
OH, MY GOD.
[CRYING]
OH.
[LAUGHTER]
>> OH, YES.
[INDISTINCT]
Julia: TELL ME ABOUT IT.
>> HEY.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE COMING
OVER TONIGHT.
>> I INVITED HER. I RECKONED
THAT EVEN GALS ON A RESTRICTED
DIET DESERVED A HOME-COOKED
MEAL.
>> LISTEN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
THIS MEANS TO ME. BUT I CANNOT
ACCEPT IT.
>> ACCEPT WHAT?
>> WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT YOU
COULDN'T BE A DONOR FOR LIZ,
I CALLED AND ASKED FOR
PERMISSION TO BE TESTED.
>> YOU'RE A MATCH?
>> NO. BUT I AM.
>> I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS
GETTING TESTED, SEAN.
>> LIZ IS FAMILY, DAD. SHE USED
TO BABY-SIT ME. SHE EVEN LET ME
HAVE A SWING OF BEER AT ONE OF
HER BARBECUES WHEN I WAS 14.
>> YOU ARE MY HERO. BUT I WILL
NOT LET YOU DO THIS FOR ME.
THE ACORN DIDN'T FALL FAR FROM
THE TREE, DID IT, DADDY?
[SIGHS]
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW
LIFE-ALTERING A KIDNEY DONATION
CAN BE?
>> I'VE JUST RECENTLY BEEN
FORCED TO COME TO THE CONCLUSION
THAT I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE
TAKING, SO UNLESS YOU CAN COME
UP WITH A GOOD REASON WHY
I SHOULDN'T, I'M GOING THROUGH
WITH IT.
>> HOW COULD YOU LET
HIM DO THIS?
>> SHE DIDN'T LET ME
DO ANYTHING. I'M 18.
>> I DIDN'T THINK HE'D BE
A MATCH. YOU AND CHRISTIAN
WEREN'T.
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT HIM TO DO
IT, EITHER, BUT, YOU KNOW,
HE DOESN'T NEED OUR CONSENT.
>> I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN
A MONTH, MATT.
>> WELL, THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE.
WHERE DO YOU THINK I'LL BE DOING
MY CONVALESCING?
LOOK, YOU GUYS RAISED ME TO
TAKE CARE OF PEOPLE, YEAH?
I KNOW I HAVEN'T ALWAYS LIVED
UP TO THAT, BUT I WANT
TO START NOW.
>> WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WHEN YOU
TAKE THE EAR OFF HIM?
>> WE'RE SENDING HIM OFF TO LIVE
IN A RANCH IN WYOMING WITH HIS
OTHER DONOR BUDDIES.
>> SERIOUSLY. IF I BUILT HIM
A STERILE ROOM AT TERRA BUDGE,
DO YOU THINK I COULD KEEP HIM?
>> THE ONLY ROOM YOU'RE GONNA
NEED TO BUILD FOR HIM IS A
MAUSOLEUM. THE MICE DON'T
SURVIVE THE SURGERY.
>> SERIOUSLY?
>> [SIGHS] WE COULD CANCEL THE
PROCEDURE.
>> NAH. DO IT. I'M GONNA NEED
BOTH EARS TO PULL OFF MY FALL
WARDROBE.
>> ♪ STARRY, STARRY NIGHT,
PAINT YOUR PALETTE
BLUE AND GREY,
LOOK OUT ON A SUMMER'S DAY,
WITH EYES THAT KNOW
THE DARKNESS IN MY SOUL,
SHADOWS ON THE HILLS,
SKETCH THE TREES
AND THE DAFFODILS,
CATCH THE BREEZE
AND THE WINTER CHILLS
IN COLORS ON THE SNOWY
LINEN LAND,
NOW I UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU TRIED TO SAY TO ME,
HOW YOU SUFFERED
FOR YOUR SANITY ♪
>> YOU ALL RIGHT THERE, PARTNER?
>> ♪ HOW YOU TRIED
TO SET THEM FREE ♪
>> MATT WANTS TO GIVE LIZ HIS
KIDNEY. HE AND JULIA GOT TESTED.
>> KID'S GOT BALLS. I'LL KILL
HIM BEFORE I'LL LET HIM DO IT,
BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT, THE KID'S
GOT BALLS.
>> ♪ FLAMING FLOWERS
THAT BRIGHTLY BLAZE ♪
>> HE MUST'VE GOT 'EM FROM YOU.
>> HE CERTAINLY DIDN'T GET MY
KIDNEYS.
>> I LIED. I'M A MATCH FOR LIZ.
5 OF 6.
>> ♪ HOW YOU SUFFERED
FOR YOUR SANITY,
HOW YOU TRIED TO SET THEM FREE,
THEY WOULD NOT LISTEN ♪
>> WHAT?
>> LOOK, I HAVE A HANDICAPPED
SON I HAVE TO OPERATE ON. I
CAN'T BE OUT OF COMMISSION FOR
3 MONTHS.
>> ***. GIVE HER THE KIDNEY
AFTER YOU OPERATE ON CONNOR'S
HANDS. YOU'RE *** SCARED ABOUT
GOING UNDER THE KNIFE, THAT'S
ALL.
>> THAT'S NOT THE POINT RIGHT
NOW. OUR GOAL NEEDS TO BE TO
STOP MATT FROM FORCING THE ISSUE
WITH LIZ.
>> OH, I CAN THINK OF A WAY OF
STOPPING HIM. GIVE LIZ SOMEBODY
ELSE'S KIDNEY.
>> ♪ STARRY, STARRY NIGHT
YOU TOOK YOUR LIFE
AS LOVERS OFTEN DO,
BUT I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU,
VINCENT,
THIS WORLD WAS NEVER MEANT
FOR ONE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
>> COMING!
HEY.
>> HEY.
>> YOU'RE EARLY.
>> MM-HMM.
>> COME ON IN.
>> UH, THANKS FOR INVITING ME.
AND AFTER WHAT HAPPENED, I
DIDN'T THINK YOU'D REALLY WANT
TO SEE ME.
>> I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT IT AND
REALIZED I WAS TOTALLY OUT OF
LINE. AND, UM, I WANTED YOU TO
COME OVER SO I COULD APOLOGIZE.
CAN I MAKE YOU A DRINK?
>> UH, NO. THANKS. I'M OFF THE
***.
>> YOU TRAINING FOR SOMETHING?
>> NO, IT'S JUST THAT, UH, YOU
KNOW, MY DAD'S ANESTHESIOLOGIST
LIZ, SHE NEEDS A KIDNEY AND I'M
GONNA GIVE HER MINE, SO I HAVE
TO BE TOTALLY CLEAN TO MAKE SURE
HER BODY DOESN'T REJECT IT.
>> WHOA. THAT'S AWFULLY GENEROUS
OF YOU.
>> YEAH. WELL, UM, I REALLY TOOK
WHAT YOU SAID TO ME TO HEART,
YOU KNOW? ABOUT GIVING BACK.
>> HMM.
YOU REALLY ARE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL,
MATTHEW McNAMARA.
SO, WHERE ARE YOUR KIDNEYS
ANYWAYS?
>> UM, BACK HERE.
>> RIGHT HERE?
>> MM-HMM.
>> YOU THINK IT'S GONNA HURT?
>> WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA FEEL
GOOD.
>> [CHUCKLES]
DOES THAT FEEL GOOD?
>> YEAH.
[WATER RUNNING]
>> I ASSUME YOU KNOW I'LL BE
OVERSEEING MY HUSBAND'S SURGERY
IN THE O.R.
>> OF COURSE. I KNOW HOW YOU AND
YOUR HUSBAND LIKE TO WATCH EACH
OTHER. AHEM.
[MONITOR BEEPS]
>> IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
>> BLOOD PRESSURE'S DROPPING.
GET ME ONE MILLIGRAM EPI.
[MONITOR BEEPS]
[BEEPS LOUDER]
[STEADY TONE]
>> HE'S GONE INTO DEFIB. GIVE ME
THE CRASH CART.
[STEADY TONE]
[TONE STOPS]
[TONE RESUMES]
>> CLEAR!
CLEAR!
[BEEPS RESUME]
>> BLOOD PRESSURE'S COMING BACK.
HEART RATE'S STABILIZING.
[MONITOR BEEPS]
>> LOOKS GOOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
>> EAR JACKED. YOU?
>> SOMEONE STOLE MY KIDNEY.
>> HMM. I DIDN'T KNOW THEY DID
REAL MEDICAL STUFF IN HERE, TOO.
>> WELL, THEY DON'T. SEAN AND
CHRISTIAN SET THAT UP FOR ME SO
I COULD WORK A COUPLE HOURS
A DAY.
>> WOW. THAT IS REALLY NICE OF
THEM TO DO THAT FOR YOU. I MEAN,
COME ON. YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THE
LAST THING SOME SOCIALITE WANTS
TO SEE AFTER HER EYE JOB,
SOMEBODY HAVING A BLOOD
SCRUBBIN', RIGHT. HA HA HA.
HOW'D YOU DO IT? YOU KNOW, GET
THEM TO CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH?
>> I'M SURE YOU HAVE PEOPLE IN
YOUR LIFE THAT WOULD DO THE SAME
FOR YOU.
>> YEAH. I GOT PLENTY OF PEOPLE.
MOST OF 'EM SHOWED UP RIGHT WHEN
THE MONEY DID.
>> YOU EXPECTING SOMEONE?
>> NOT REALLY. I THOUGHT MAYBE
MY EX AND MY DAUGHTER MIGHT STOP
BY, BUT THEY'RE BACK IN
PENSACOLA NOW, SO.
>> MAYBE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO YOU.
>> ***. I DID AN EXCLUSIVE
TWO-PARTER ON MONTEL. THEY
NEVER, EVER MISS AN EPISODE.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I SPENT
SINCE I WON THAT POWERBALL?
20 MILLION. YEAH. I GOT A HUGE
HOUSE. I GOT MORE ICE THAN AN
ESKIMO. I GOT A RACE HORSE I'VE
NEVER EVEN SEEN. AND YOU KNOW
WHAT? I'D GIVE TWICE THAT RIGHT
NOW TO HAVE SOMEBODY WALK
THROUGH THAT DOOR AND JUST HOLD
MY HAND.
I USED TO RAISE FERRETS,
YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE MONEY.
THERE WAS ONE. KNICKERS. CUTEST
THING I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE.
SHE GOT HER LITTLE PAW CAUGHT IN
THE TRAILER DOOR. I HOCKED MY
ENTIRE FRANKLIN MINT COLLECTION
ON EBAY JUST TO PAY HER VET
BILLS. YOU KNOW, I NURSED HER.
SHE GOT BETTER. I LOVED HER,
YOU KNOW. I COULD TELL SHE LOVED
ME, TOO. AND LOOK AT ME NOW.
YOU KNOW HOW GOT THIS EAR?
I KILLED A MOUSE FOR IT.
VINCENT. CUTE LITTLE GUY, TOO.
HE GREW THE EAR ON HIS BACK, AND
I LET HIM SACRIFICE HIMSELF JUST
SO I COULD LOOK GOOD IN MY JILL
ST. JOHN'S.
>> I'M SURE VINCENT UNDERSTOOD.
>> THE POINT IS I GAINED MORE
WHEN I HAD NOTHING. IT'S LIKE I
TRADED MY SOUL FOR ALL THAT
MONEY, YOU KNOW? AND THEN I LOOK
AT YOU. I MEAN, THE VICTIM OF
A HORRIBLE CRIME. BUT WHAT GETS
YOU THROUGH? THE HOPE THAT MAYBE
FOR A COUPLE HOURS A DAY YOU GET
TO BE A DOCTOR. YOU'RE A HERO.
YOU ARE. AND I'M A BIG, FAT
ZERO. OH, GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO
ME?
>> TOO BAD THEY CAN'T GROW
A KIDNEY ON THE BACK OF A MOUSE,
HUH? [CHUCKLES]
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
>> IT ISN'T RIGHT. HE SHOULD BE
IN A FACILITY THAT CAN CARE FOR
HIM PROPERLY.
>> HE NEEDS TO BE HOME.
>> THIS ISN'T LIKE RECOVERY FROM
HIS OTHER SURGERIES. HE'S HAD
A MASSIVE STROKE WHICH MEANS
DIAPER CHANGES AND INTENSE
PHYSICAL THERAPY. IT COULD BE
YEARS BEFORE HE'S BACK ON HIS
FEET.
>> I'VE HIRED A HOSPICE NURSE TO
BE HERE AT NIGHT. AND I'M
PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF HANDLING
THINGS DURING THE DAY.
>> WHAT ABOUT WORK?
>> I'LL TAKE A LEAVE OF ABSENCE.
>> YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THAT.
THIS IS A LIST OF THE TOP
IN-PATIENT REHAB CLINICS IN
MIAMI. DO YOU AND BURT A FAVOR--
>> NO.
>> AND GO TAKE A LOOK AT THEM.
>> I WON'T. I WON'T PUT HIM IN
A NURSING HOME.
>> OF COURSE. WOULDN'T WANT TO
DO ANYTHING TO *** HIM OFF
ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM CHANGE HIS
WILL.
>> YOU THINK--YOU THINK I WANT
IT LIKE THIS? YOU THINK I WANT
TO SPEND THE REST OF MY YOUTH
HOLED UP IN THIS TOMB?
BUT HE'S STILL MY HUSBAND. HE
NEEDS ME.
>> BUT YOU DON'T LOVE HIM
ANYMORE. YOU LOVE ME.
YOU WANTED ME TO LET HIM DIE ON
THAT TABLE. I SAW IT IN YOUR
EYES.
>> AND I SAW IT IN YOURS.
BUT YOU SAVED HIM ANYWAY. NOW
IT'S MY TURN.
>> HEY, SEAN.
>> WE NEED TO TALK.
>> ABOUT MATT?
I KNOW.
HE'S ADAMANT ABOUT GIVING ME HIS
KIDNEY. I'M AFRAID HE'S GOING TO
LEAVE IT ON MY DOORSTEP IN A
GIFT WRAPPED COOLER.
>> YOU DON'T NEED MATT'S KIDNEY.
'CAUSE I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MINE.
>> THAT IS VERY SWEET, SEAN, BUT
I THINK THAT WE'RE BOTH GOING TO
FEEL A LITTLE SILLY WHEN MY BODY
REJECTS IT.
>> IT WON'T.
I'M A 5 OF 6 MATCH FOR YOU.
I LIED ABOUT MY TEST RESULTS.
I'M SORRY, LIZ.
I WAS SCARED. THE SURGERY, THE
RECOVERY. I JUST...
>> DIDN'T WANT TO END UP LIKE
ME?
>> [SIGHS]
>> WHY THE CHANGE OF HEART?
I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN THAT
YOU LIED.
>> I MADE A LIST OF THE PEOPLE
I THOUGHT WOULD GIVE ME A
KIDNEY. IT WAS PRETTY SHORT.
THEN I MADE A LIST OF PEOPLE I'D
GIVE ONE TO. IT WAS EVEN
SHORTER.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS...
A GOOD FRIEND, SOMEONE YOU CAN
COUNT ON. WASN'T UNTIL ALL THIS
HAPPENED THAT I REALIZED I WAS
FULL OF ***.
WHAT I'M SAYING, LIZ, I LOVE
YOU. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE MY KIDNEY.
I SCHEDULED THE OPERATION FOR
TOMORROW.
[EXHALES] ***.
SCARY, HUH?
>> I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU TO DO
THIS FOR ME, SEAN.
>> YOU SHOULDN'T OF HAD TO.
>> THE TRUTH IS, I CAN'T.
FRANKLY, YOUR KIDNEY'S NOT HOT
ENOUGH. YOU'RE ONLY A 5 OUT OF
6. I HAVE FOUND A BETTER MATCH.
>> A BETTER MATCH? WHO?
>> A PERFECT 6 OUT OF 6, JUST
LIKE MY POWERBALL TICKET. I
GUESS LIGHTENING REALLY CAN
STRIKE TWICE.
>> ESPECIALLY WHEN IT HAS SUCH A
LARGE TARGET.
>> THAT TARGET DIDN'T SEEM TO
BOTHER YOU WHEN YOU WERE
PINNING ME TO YOUR APARTMENT
FLOOR, SWEET CHEEKS.
>> SHOULD WE BEGIN?
>> I'M READY WHEN YOU ARE.
>> GO GENTLE, DOC. I GOT TO LOOK
MY BEST FOR BIKINI SEASON.
>> DR. MUCKTAR WILL BE DOING
MOST OF THE HEAVY LIFTING, BUT
WE'LL DO WHAT WE CAN TO MINIMIZE
THE SCARRING. THOUGH I HAVE TO
WARN YOU, MS. BUDGE, THERE'S
VERY LITTLE WE CAN DO WITH A
NEPHRECTOMY SCAR
BECAUSE OF THE ANGLE AT WHICH
THE INCISION IS MADE.
>> SCREW IT. IT'LL BE MY BADGE
OF HONOR.
YOU THINK I CAN COME BY EVERY
NOW AND THEN AND VISIT MY
KIDNEY, YOU KNOW, FOR COFFEE OR
SOMETHING?
>> I DON'T THINK I CAN SAY NO.
>> HOW'S NEXT THURSDAY?
>> [CHUCKLES] OK.
>> LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT A
FRIEND FOR LIFE THERE, LIZZIE.
YOU SURE IT'S WORTH IT?
>> HOW WE DOING?
>> SCARED.
>> RELAX. YOU'RE AMONG FRIENDS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> MY PRIVILEGE.
>> OK, COUNT BACK FROM 10 FOR
ME.
Both: 10, 9, 8, 7.
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--]