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Thank you all for coming.
I'm here to address the recent rumors.
Not those.
It was reported that there
was a fire in our studio,
and here is what happened.
I was driving to work this morning
and I received a call from Portia
at approximately 10am asking me
if everything was OK.
I told her I had some lower back
pain from working out,
and she said, "No, that's not
what I'm talking about it."
And I said, "Did I leave my
lunch box on the counter?"
And she said, "That's not
what I'm talking about either.
Just please stop talking and I'll
tell you what I'm talking about."
And then we fought for a minute.
And then she told me that a PA
went up to her, she's shooting
a new show for ABC
called "Better Off Ted" premiering
Wednesday, March 18th at 8:30pm.
Anyway, so yeah, you
should watch. It's good.
"Better Off Ted"
Anyway, so this PA came up to
her and said it's all over the internet
that Ellen's studio is on fire.
And of course, I believed her because
everything on the internet is true.
And so, this is what
I was envisioning.
But that's not what I saw
when I got to work.
What happened was some fire
trucks were surrounding the studio.
A fire alarm was going off.
Water was gushing out all over the street.
And suddenly people just assumed
there was a fire.
And see, you know what happens
when you assume,
you make an *** out of you and me.
Because that's what it spells.
Look it up. Anyway, so, and
the same with gossiping.
You make a goss
out of sip and ping.
And the same with stir-fry.
The point is,
you should never assume.
And like yesterday, I made an
assumption about McSteamy,
and I was wrong. You can break it,
even though it's not a bone.
Now, although, yesterday also people were
assuming that I was quitting the show
to live on a farm. Not true.
It was a vitious, vishous rumor.
You know what Benjamin Franklin said,
"Believe none of what you hear,
and half of what you see."
Or was it half of what you see and-
maybe I'm thinking of those
three monkeys.
You know, hear no evil,
see no evil.
I know that it's "I" before "E"
except after "C".
And liquor before beer,
you're in the clear.
Beer before liquor,
never been sicker.
Anyway, the point is,
you can see that everything is OK.
There was no fire.
Here's what actually happened.
A sprinkler pipe burst,
and a small portion of our studio,
right near the street flooded.
So the fire department came
to check to see if there
was a gas leak as well.
There wasn't a gas leak.
So in conclusion,
no fire, no farm, and yes,
you can break it.
Thank you for coming,
and I will take your questions now.
Yes, yes.
- Can you dance?
Yes I will dance, yes.
To see when Ellen is on in your town,
click the When it's on Tab.