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papa, can we
play outside?
- no.
- why?
because it's 5:00
in the morning.
it's too early.
why?
the sun hasn't
come up yet.
why?
because the sun
comes up later.
why?
well, the earth
goes around,
and when it turns
a certn amount,
the sun shows
on the horizon.
why?
i don't know.
why?
why don't you know,
papa?
because i didn't pay
attention in school, okay?
i didn't listen
in class.
why?
because i was high
all the time.
i smoked too much pot.
why?
i didn't think
it would matter.
why?
i just figured my life would
come together on its own.
but then i met your mom,
and you came along.
so now i work
at the muffler shop.
why?
well, it's too late for
me to pursue a career now,
and since your mom has
a job with benefits
i stay home and
i take care of you,
'cause what i make is
pretty much just a joke.
why?
well, the service economy
replaced manufacturing
and here's no real jobs
in america anymore.
why?
we had good jobs
for a while,
but it's just 'cause we were
lucky and now we're unlucky.
why?
it's just
the way it goes.
why?
'cause god is dead
and we're alone.
okay.
"lucky louie" was
taped before a live audience.
make a wish,
make a wish!
hey hey.
listen, you guys,
thanks for inviting me.
i love birthday parties.
well, lucy loves having her
uncle jerry here.
right, lucy?
yeah yeah, uncle jerry's
great.
let's open some presents.
here, open our present,
lucy.
oh, i'm so excited.
- a doll!
- oh!
it's your
first barbie!
i couldn't believe when i went
into her room-- she has no barbies.
as you know how i feel
about barbies
and that they completely
misrepresent women--
oh phooey.
girls love
barbies.
look how happy she is.
i don't want my daughter to grow
up and worship a tiny stripper.
- okay, people.
another present, come on.
- yeah.
- that's from us.
- oh, this is from walter and ellen
and lisa,
our new neighbors.
thanks, guys.
oh.
oh no, but that
barbie's great.
- now she's got one of each.
- what?
i don't like
the black barbie.
- hey, man, i think--
- shh.
- uh, i'm sorry.
- oh no, that's okay.
- birthdays are hard.
- hey hey hey.
- make her open my gift.
- hey, great idea!
open uncle jerry's gift.
come on, lucy.
what did you get?
what did you get?
- what'd you get? what'd you get?
- oh boy!
jesus!
jesus, what is wrong
with you, jerry?
what?
it's a replica.
it's going over better
than the black barbie.
she can't have this, jerry.
take it home with you.
aw.
oh, come on.
wow, this party
sucks now.
yeah, i think that's
her limit, guys.
- bye.
- bye.
hey, walter, thanks
for bringing lisa over.
- it's just across the hall.
- but we're really glad you came, still.
okay.
thanks a lot.
it's been a great
time.
we'll come back when she's 21.
- see you tomorrow.
- see you at work.
sorry i ruined your party.
i mean, it was a nice party.
oh, it's okay.
here, take this food
- and get home safe.
- okay, thanks.
hey, what if i gave it to her in
a couple of years when she's older?
no, man.
just go, please.
it's just that it was
expensive, you know?
yeah, all right.
i'm gonna give her a bath.
will you clean up?
yeah.
oh please, you don't
want to eat this.
this is all hydrogenated
oils, total crap.
don't eat the cake
out of the garbage!
- what?
- are you eating in there?
yeah!
oh oh my god.
do you know where her old duck
is? it has to be the old duck.
- mommy!
- i'm getting the duck, sweetie.
- the old duck!
- yes, the old duck!
*** duck.
oh! jesus!
christ.
jesus, kim.
jessica simpson,
really?
i'm not jerking off
to her music.
hey, she's getting dressed.
are you gonna drop her off?
yeah.
i made you some tea here.
oh, thanks.
so is now a good time
to talk about the closet?
do we have to talk
about that ever?
hey, man, i'm just curious.
i mean
how often
do you do that?
not very.
just--
whenever
you're not around.
wow.
so do you do it
in the other rooms
or is the closet special?
- come on.
- okay okay.
what do you think about
when you do that?
lots of things.
do you ever
think about me?
what are you, high?
why would i do that?
honey, that's magic time.
i can think
about anybody.
i can even combine women.
i can take britney spears' head
and put it on barbara bush's body--
- okay okay, it's fine.
i understand.
- well, look,
i'm not proud of this,
if that's what you think.
this is all i got!
this is it for me!
we haven't done
anything in ages.
ages-es-es-es!
i thought when i got married i was
done *** in closets, but--
i know, i know.
it's okay, it's okay.
it's okay
that you do that.
i just don't want you
to have to do that.
so listen
don't make any plans
for this week, okay?
why?
because you and i
are gonna have sex
every day
until sunday.
really?
yup.
okay?
yeah.
god, this worked out
a lot better
than when my mom
caught me jerking off.
i'm all dressed, mommy.
i got my shoes on myself!
- hey, good job.
- i was saying that to mama, not you!
yeah, well,
i'm here too, damn it!
- papa said a bathroom word.
- yeah, i know.
come on.
hey, uh, i'll clean up.
- oh, really?
- yeah.
- thanks a lot.
- all right, no problem.
yeah, man,
i'll clean up anything
if you'd suck my ***
once in a while.
hey, walter,
how you doin'?
i'm okay.
uh, thanks again
for inviting us last night.
we haven't met that many
people since we moved in, and--
oh.
oh, listen, uh
we didn't just throw away
the black barbie.
we threw them both away.
no, we did.
look.
i swear to god-- see?
look, the white barbie.
- we threw both away--
- yeah, i got it.
you know, i was just offended
that you threw our gift away.
it didn't occur to me
there was a racist angle.
hey, man, what did you buy
her a black barbie for anyway?
because the black barbies
were half off.
hey guys, i brought you
some fresh coffee.
- hey, thanks.
- what?
what do you mean,
"what?"
i mean "what the ***?"
you never buy me anything,
you stingy prick.
- i'm in a good mood.
- why?
well, kim Id me
not to make any plans
because she wants to have sex
every night this week until sunday.
when was the last time
you got laid?
about four months ago.
okay, when's the last
time you guys had sex?
a couple of times
this morning.
i got a hand job in the
parlor about two weeks ago.
hey, nice.
hey.
well, look, i--
all right.
i have seven
days of sex ahead of me.
that's all i know.
for exactly seven days, huh? why?
- i don't know, she-- - wake up,
dummy.
she wants to have another kid.
what?
no, wait a minute.
what about your wife? is she
trying to get pregnant too?
nah, tina shut down
her womb
after jackie was born.
so, you know, i just
slip it in whenever.
it's a non-issue,
you know, but with kim--
i can see it in her eyes.
she wants another baby.
just another
little baby, eh?
what do you think, louie,
this morning she just woke up
and looked at your
dirty freckled ***
and thought to herself, "oh
yeah, i want that stuck in me"?
maybe.
listen up, ***.
women are bad.
rich, just 'cause your wife
divorced you and took all your stuff
- doesn't mean-- - that is what
opened my eyes to the truth.
and the truth is
women are powerful.
they're dangerous.
they used to rule
the world, you know.
men were slaves.
that's retarded.
how could women rule over
us? we can kick their ***.
yeah, but you see,
the mothers ruled.
and you can't raise
your hand to your mother.
i'll hit my mother.
i'll punch her
right in the face.
now you can.
because we rose up.
and then, pfff-- we laid
the patriarchy on 'em.
and then we expunged the whole
thing from the history books
and started anew.
just like
"planet of the apes.
"
- hi, rich.
- hey, paul.
meet me in the bathroom!
all right, well,
i gotta sell some weed.
- oh, hey, walter.
- hi.
hey, man, listen.
just
give me a second, all right?
listen, what happened
this morning--
i don't know, man,
can you just give me
the benefit of the doubt
and just forget it?
- sure.
- wait wait.
why don't you come over for dinner
tomorrow night and bring the girls?
- actually-- - let me
make it up to you, come on.
i get home late
tomorrow, so
but we can have a late
dinner.
it's no big deal.
i'll make meatballs.
come on, please.
- all right, i'll see you tomorrow.
- all right, man, great!
i'll see you then,
man, okay! all right!
bye, walter.
hello.
is that a new t-shirt?
what?
it looks
really good on you.
maybe you're
losing weight.
you just look
really good tonight.
thanks.
that's a--
wait.
why are you doing this?
i want your ***.
no, seriously.
yeah.
i need it so bad.
you need my ***?
oh yeah.
it's great.
you've been hating my ***
for like four months now.
now you need it?
what's up with that?
well, i forgot
how great it is
and then
i just remembered.
- are you trying to get pregnant?
- yes.
yeah, see?
you don't want my ***.
yes, i do.
i want it
to get pregnant with.
jesus christ.
kim, we
can't afford another baby.
but we always said
we'd have two kids.
we agreed when we had lucy that
we wouldn't make her be alone.
yeah, but not now.
do you know how much
we have in checking
right now? negative $50.
we have to raise
i don't care.
i'm not waiting.
lucy is four already.
i'm
getting pregnant right now.
you ain't getting pregnant
without my ***.
that is not your ***.
that is our ***!
that's my ***!
give it to me!
give it!
papa, mama!
papa will you
read this book to me?
yes, thank god,
i will read it to you.
okay
once upon a time there
was a family of bears--
a mama bear, a papa bear
and one baby bear.
well, are you guys trying
to get pregnant again?
i'm trying.
he's just being a baby.
i can't believe
he turned down sex.
mmm.
sure he's not getting
something on the side?
oh, please!
do you know he barely
ever washes?
i mean, i'm pretty sure
i'm the only woman
who's getting near him
at this point.
i love him and everything,
but ugh.
see, i don't get that.
i like sex too much.
mike doesn't wash.
i just
hold my nose and *** him.
have you tried
holding your nose?
i'm not the problem.
he is.
he won't *** me 'cause
he's worried about money.
you charge him for sex?
he thinks we can't
afford another baby.
oh, christ.
well, there's
your problem right there--
he's thinking.
you got
to get beyond his mind
and get all his blood flowing
to his little fatty down there,
and then he will
forget everything,
let alone about money.
yeah, i tried that last
night and he didn't go for it.
well, you gotta seduce
the ***.
you can't let him
make the choice.
it's up to you.
you gotta just grab him
and just-- ooh,
squeeze and hold him
and go, "oh god, honey,
i love you so much.
oh, baby, i love you.
oh, you like that?
yeah, i like it too.
ooh, that feels good.
ooh,
does it feel good to you?
yeah, i like when you--
oh yeah.
oh, baby, you're my
sweet tiger angel pudding.
ooh, i love you so-- "
what?
i'm gonna buy it.
***.
sorry, i forgot
my glass.
oh, look at the dirty
dirty stove.
ooh.
cut it out.
why, am i
turning you on?
yes, dummy.
well, do something about it,
you big *** pole-smoker.
we can't afford it.
stop thinking about money.
the only thing
you should be
thinking about
is all this ***.
we can't afford it!
yeah, talk to it, baby.
look, i would love
to tap that ***.
so tap it.
i want to, but my ***
is too aware
that your *** is a
chamber of financial ruin.
are you serious?
i'm sorry, i need
at least $3000
in an interest-bearing
account to get fully hard.
i said i'm sorry.
***.
hey, hi, guys.
great.
well, thanks
for dinner.
one time me and my
friends were at the park
and my friend's little brother
was running in the sand--
that's great, sweetie.
go have a good time, okay?
so
how's the sex week
going?
aw, you were right.
she was
just trying to get pregnant.
so what?
so, i gotta choose
between another kid
or no sex
for another year.
aw, go ahead,
have another one.
that's how life goes:
you ***,
you have kids,
you eat.
that's all.
look at me.
yeah, i guess i'm just
being a *** about it.
you know what?
it's not even the money.
- we had less money when we had lucy.
- so what's your problem?
it's just that i feel like i got
nothing to do with what happens to me.
i feel like a lobster walking
into a trap after trap.
the day you get married you
realize, "***, i can't leave now.
i mean, i wasn't
thinking of leaving
but now i really
can't leave.
"
and then you have a kid, and
the moment the kid arrives
you realize "***,
i could have left!
i totally could have left.
the door was right there.
it wasn't even
*** locked.
"
yeah, right.
well, that's the way
you feel right now.
that's natural.
but it gets better.
- it does?
- yeah.
you see, you're just
on your first wife.
now with your first wife
you make all the mistakes.
but with your second wife you
try to correct those mistakes,
but you make new,
worse ones.
but the third wife, heh--
ah, there's a marriage.
yeah, you'll enjoy that.
ll, thanks,
but i guess
i still hold out hope that
i can make this one work.
good luck with that.
- there's these pretty
dolls - mm-hmm.
and one has a really
pretty pink sparkly dress
- mm-hmm.
- and
another one comes with this
really really
pretty horse.
and another one comes
with this cool motorcycle.
that's great, sweetie.
listen, uh,
just tell mom i'll be in
in a minute, okay?
- hey, walter--
- oh, jesus!
hey listen, man, you gotta let
me apologize for the other night--
look, don't bother.
can't we
just be neighbors and strangers?
we're having a barbecue
in the courtyard tomorrow.
- you guys could come, and-- -
look, man, let me put this simply:
i don't like you.
that's okay.
i don't care.
just come tomorrow and we'll
get to know each other--
you know what's so
offensive about this to me?
i get the distinct feeling
that you're just trying
to acquire a black friend.
yes, that's exactly
what i'm doing.
but i'm not doing it for me.
i'm doing it for my daughter.
how's that?
look, when lucy was
two years old,
we had this guy over
to fix the refrigerator,
and he was black.
so lucy says,
"refrigerator,"
and the guy says, "that's
right, refrigerator.
"
okay, like, two months later
we're on a bus downtown,
and she sees another
black person.
and she points at him
and says "refrigerator.
"
that's when i realized my daughter
needs to know some black people.
i understand.
but i still don't
like you.
it's okay.
just pretend.
- okay, i'll try.
- great, so you'll come tomorrow?
will there actually be a
barbecue when we get there?
yes, i promise.
hey man, i guess
it's wor it,
if i can let one little white
girl learn the difference
between a black man
and a refrigerator.
okay, my check
is for $1200
and yours
is for $118.
so what bills do we
have to pay today?
we have to pay the rent, and
we need the lights to stay on
and the gas
and the heat.
do we need a phone?
- no.
cut it off.
- yeah.
hi, uh
we need to cash these checks
and we need to pay these bills
and we'll take
what's left in cash.
okay.
i guess i'm just gonna have to
work a lot of overtime this month.
listen, whatever we
got left from this
let's go out to dinner
with it, all right?
and your change
is gonna be 5�.
listen, you're right.
we can't have another kid.
this is all too much.
i mean,
i want another one,
but i think
i'm just being stupid.
all this debt
is just too much.
wait a minute.
what about lucy
being alone and all that stuff?
none of that meant
anything, i don't think.
jesus, honey.
what are you doing?
i just wanted
a little baby.
i just wanted
another little baby.
i know it doesn't
make any sense now.
i just wanted one,
that's all.
i'm sorry, honey.
i'm sorry.
at least we already
have a baby.
we have a really nice baby.
some people don't even have that.
oh god.
gotta get home.
hey
you want some gum?
yeah.
what the hell?!
hey, this ate my nickel.
louie, let's
just go home.
hey, i want my nickel.
the
*** candy machine ate it!
go away, sir.
hey, man, no *** way!
this isn't right!
louie.
look, you want
another baby,
and maybe it's
for a stupid reason,
but what, am i supposed
to let them tell us--
the phone company and the cable
company? am i supposed to let them--
am i supposed to let you tell me
that we can't have another baby?
that's right, sir.
well, guess what,
***,
we're gonna go home and we're
gonna make another baby right now.
wow, honey, you got like
an anger *** right now.
i'm gonna
*** your *** off.
oh!