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please give a warm welcome to the stage
for Zev Naiditch
Thank you For clapping before I did anything... Now I owe you one.
shalom
which I've discovered is Hebrew for "Please hold"
I've been asked to keep it short which is fine because I have to get this beard back to the rental
agency
before Eleven
otherwise I lose my deposit.
I'm still a little out of breath
I just came back from Jedi Knight practice
I live in Nachlaot
but I don't get invited out to eat alot because I'm allergic to non-bleached flour
and Canabis products.
well I get a funny reaction to the latter...I breakout
into song.
I was in Tel Aviv
at the beach, and I was in one of those beach chairs
and I was really relaxing, and this guy comes up to me and says
"you can't sit in this chair". So I didn't want any trouble
I said "no problem, sir. Just bring me one that I can sit in".
when people come up to me and insist that I look familiar
Finally I'm just like "yes of course. I did all the voices for Toy Story 2"
I like to go to the Kotel
and right before I start davening turn to people and say
"um, which way is Mizrach?"
I wanted to save some time, so I took the "Shabos stairs"
but I forgot that on the way down they stop at every step.
I studied Air Guitar for a while, but I only learned the major scales
so there's a lot of solos I can't play
One time
I went to my friends house, and his 2-year-old daughter came up to me and said
"you're a poopy"
and you wear diapers" I couldn't believe it
I said "have you been reading my diary?"
how do you know so much about me?
when it comes to my clothing, I don't like to use the word "Clash". I prefer to say that each of the items
individually vie for the viewers attention.
If I had identical twins,
then on their first day of school
I would tell the teacher that one of them was adopted and she needs to be very sensitive to that.
you know those applications for the iPhone? those apps?
i'm writing and app. It's for people who are unemployed
It's called a job app...lication
Yeah, I've been doing some writing lately. I was working on a romance novel
But I realized it would require way too much research.
Why are you applauding?
so I switched to historical fiction instead
I'm also doing a
special needs self-help language book called "the complete idiot savant's
guide to French for dummies".
then one more about a
love affair with a French ***: 50 Shades of Grey Goose
I hope no men laughed at that
I was in Meah Sha'arim last week
putting a down payment on a summer home. And getting inspiration for my Purim costume
I'm gonna be
a herring vendor.
again. No one got my Brahms costume last
year.
I tried signing up for some dating sites but all I got was
"Saw you at Sinai, wasn't that impressed.com"
and then
someone sent me an application for J-Dump.
Yeah,
If you don't think this is going anywhere, just click the "dislike" button on my profile.
I saw this
nature documentary that was set to music. Kind of a musical documentary.
I must have seen this thing like eight times
and I still can't figure out What does the Fox say
It didn't make any sense. It was like wiki, wiki, wiki
that's not what the fox says! I'll tell you what the fox says, he says
"How come I need such a big bushy tail for balance? I'm not that far off the ground
in the first place"
And he says:
"How come everybody just thinks I'm a wolf in drag?"
but this is what the fox really says, he says "jumping over a lazy dog never works
in real-life"
"I don't care how
quick or brown you are"
as a child I was
far more coordinated than my peers. And by coordinated I mean:
Color coordinated.
that was my lead in to turn the page. I was outside smoking
and someone came up to me and asked me if I had an extra cigarette.
none of them are extra
It's not like when I bought them I said "20 in the pack! What am I gonna do with all the extra ones?"
They say that america has obesity problem but I think that's the wrong perspective.
They need to say that American's are winning the war on hunger
Yom Kippur this year fell out on a Shabos... Totally shot my
weekend.
When I go to shake a Rabbi's hand, I like to lean in and whisper
"Could we go somewhere private"
When people speak Hebrew around me I kind of want to know what they're saying
but I don't want to go to Ulpan. I'd rather just be
Bi-curious lingual.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep.... At work.
I work in a kitchen
at a Yeshiva
for guys who only want to eat foods that end in
hamburger.
What do all shapes and sizes come in? It was on the paper I had to read it.
You see this shirt? It's Polio. I'm the Jonas Salk of fashion.
Thank you guys for getting it. When I wear a bow tie,
it's like I'm saying "I want to wear a tie, but I don't want anyone to know"
I don't have time to iron
so I wash my clothes with anti-aging cream.
Because it helps remove wrinkles/
when I see a tree that I like,
I won't tell it right away.
An acid reflex
and a flashback are not the same thing. For most people
a walk in the park means that something is easy but for others
it's a parole violation.
Thank you I'm gonna have to get going I have a big day tomorrow
I'm auditioning for a shampoo commercial
it's for guys like me called "Face and Shoulders"
Thank you very much
You guys have been a great crowd.