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-Let's get to the news.
President Trump today sent a letter to North Korean leader
Kim Jong-un canceling their upcoming meeting.
So, let me just get this straight -- you sent a dictator
a letter but used Twitter to fire most of your staff.
[ Laughter ]
How do you break up with your wives, billboards?
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ As Trump ] Just, on your way home tonight, look up."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] In an interview yesterday, author Stephen King
said Vice President Pence is quote, "creepy" and looks like
quote, "the mean doctor on a soap opera."
Hey, Stephen King, let me do the jokes, man.
You don't see me trying to scare people with stories
about an evil clown -- oh, right, every night.
Sorry, every night. Fair, totally fair.
I take it back, Stephen King.
[ Cheers and applause ]
In an interview on "Fox and Friends,"
President Trump said that NFL players who kneel for the anthem
shouldn't be playing.
"Um, actually, no one should be," said doctors.
[ Laughter and applause ]
The new season of "The Bachelorette"
begins on Monday where the bachelorette must choose between
28 strains of HPV.
[ Audience ohs ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
The Human Rights Campaign this weekend projected messages on
the Department of Education headquarters asking
Secretary Betsy DeVos how she sleeps at night.
Said DeVos, "Same as everyone, I hold my breath till I pass out."
[ Laughter ]
CNN reported today that eight women are accusing actor
Morgan Freeman of inappropriate behavior.
Not only that, 600,000 penguins.
[ Audience ohs ]
[ Light laughter ]
Here he comes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio announced today that the city
will begin rolling out a dockless bike-sharing system
this summer. And...
they're all at the bottom of the Hudson River.
[ Laughter ]
A new study shows that using a CPAP machine
to regulate airway pressure can improve the sex lives
of people with sleep apnea.
Said one woman, "Yeah, I'd probably be willing to do it
more if you wore a mask."
[ Audience ohs ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ As Trump ] "Yeah, no, it's a billboard, white billboard.
Black letter -- just look up."
[ Light laughter ]
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
celebrated their four-year wedding anniversary today.
"I love you more than ever," said Kanye to a mirror.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, today was Asparagus Day,
which means that tonight was "What the --
Oh, right, asparagus day!" Night.