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Okay...
I'm...in.
Oh Simone, I am so excited!
This is totally going to change your life!
Ready?
Oh, I don't know, Audrey.
Maybe I should think about this a little mo-
Ok. Username.
What?
You don't use your real name in an online personal ad
You have to make up a name!
Like Phyllis?
No, it's like...
A name that describes you.
Like...
CatLover!
Or CampingCatLover!
Or WellofLoneliness64.
Oh. Okay, well...
What was your name when you met Andrea?
CradleRobbingCougar.
Really?
Yours could be...
NewinToronto
Or...
TVHottie.
How about BuffyFan ?
Buffyfan856 is available.
Yeah. Lesbians like Buffy.
Alert the media!
What did you have for dinner last night?
Peanut satay
with spicy lime. Why?
Good, so let's go with
SpicyLime!
Ooh! That's good.
Delicious and mysterious!
SpicyLime?
Won't people think I'm British?
No, that's "limey".
Are you sure?
Yes, Simone, I teach English, I'm sure,
It's "limey". Google it.
Ok.
Now we need a picture.
I don't want a picture up there
Someone might see it!
Uh...that's the idea.
Yes, but I'm on TV, so…
someone might recognize me.
Yeah...
You're right...
No one watches my show anyway, so...
I love it! I watch CSI Shortbus!
You're just not on it enough, honey!
It's CSIS: ForensicSWAT.
How about one of these from Andrea's birthday last year?
Tasteful profile?
Well, my *** looks better in the second one, so...
True.
Ok, first question.
It's cheeky.
In my bedroom, you will find...
I, uh…
I'm just going to put "novelty handcuffs".
Good choice.
Last great book you read?
Oh I should say something really deep, right?
Do you want to date someone who wants to talk about
really deep books?
No.
Let's skip it.
No, no. I'm a reader!
I read! So…
Willow/Tara/Satsu fanfiction
doesn't count.
Shut up!
Why not?
You can't go wrong with a lesbian book,
but not Well of Loneliness,
because then you'll get emails from WellofLoneliness1
through 64.
Oh, okay. Well...
How about The Sealed Letter ? That was a good one.
See? Not so hard, is it?
Name five things you can't live without.
Like food and water?
It's not a biology quiz, Simone.
My webcam to talk to my best friend back home.
Aw, nice!
What else?
The Thai restaurant down the street.
What else?
Music.
Good, but be more specific.
Good music?
Pick a band or a genre.
Ok, uh...
Occasionally, I like to rock out
to a little Kenny G, come on!
Ok, cheesy pop.
Ok, two more.
Ok umm...
How about my Frye boots from Gravity Pope.
and...
Q-tips!
Excellent! See, you're good at this!
It is kind of fun.
More about who I'm looking for...
I guess we can't just put
"anyone but that terrible skeeze Rebecca".
I know you never liked her but…
She really wasn't that bad.
She really wasn't that bad??
I am sooo sick
of your baggage, Simone!
My baggage??
You cheated on ME!
You humiliated ME!
You gave me crabs!
I never gave you crabs...
You did, you gave me emotional crabs.
Sweetie, come on now!
She made your life hell for 3 years, I was there.
You're just lonely and homesick.
I know. It's just…
There were times she would look at me...
and I thought she actually really love me, so...
I know, you're right, I...
I am lonely...
and I miss Vancouver and I miss you guys…
I don't know, I miss everything.
I know, I know.
We miss you too.
I don't know if I'm
ready for all this…
internet dating.
I...
I think we should just forget it.
It just…
it seems desperate and sad, so…
You're projecting because you ARE desperate and sad.
No, I just...
I think that shopping online for a girlfriend
is weird.
Ok? I buy my shoes online.
You buy your shoes online?
What are you, crazy?!
I have very standard feet.
The point is...
that I just...
I just want to meet someone normally,
like at a grocery store...
Why don't you just go for it?
What's so great about meeting in real life anyway?
That's how Eva Braun met Hitler
and look how that turned out.
Seriously, Audrey?
Those are my options?
Online dating - or Hitler?
More about what I'm looking for?
I just want someone who's low drama
and funny and kind…
who just wants to hang out with me on the couch
and watch Entertainment Tonight.
- Fair enough. - Yes
More about me?
This is the part the best friend should fill out anyway.
Allow me.
So, what are you saying about me over there?
"Sapphist seeks same, no cats, no camping."
Seriously?
No, but I will if you don't crawl out of my ***!
Ok, done!
- Here's the link! - Ok.
But don't post it yet, just...
Why not?
Because I'm having a moment and I'm freaking out,
and it's too soon, it's too fast.
Ok, ok, calm down, there's no rush.
We can just save it for now.
Thank you.
But think about this.
Let's say you DO meet someone "normally"
like at the grocery store.
She smiles, you smile,
you play eye-footsy over the organic beets
Then what?
Crippling panic?
Questions!
Is she ***? Is she single?
Did she just get off some crazy break-up?
Can she spell?
I don't know.
Plus, my tongue is swollen up.
Exactly!
This way, you can do a little screening first.
Sure, you might meet some psychos,
but at least they'll be single, lesbian psychos
between the ages of 25 and 35
who are non-smoker/social drinkers
and...
What was that?
That was fast!
What was fast?
You got a response! Someone replied to your ad!
How is that possible, since you didn't put it up?
Uh...my finger...must have slipped...
Oh my God, Audrey.
Well-
What do I do? What do I do?
Open it, you dingus! Open it!