Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie Louie, Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
Yeah, I remember learning about
sex when I was a kid.
I wanted to know what sex was
'cause I just had
*** all the time.
I went to my dad, I asked my dad
what sex was,
'cause I knew that sex existed,
I didn't know what it was.
So I asked my dad
and he told me...
Here's what my dad said.
First of all,
it is not "sex."
You must not call it that.
Then what do I call it?
"Making love."
There is a secret to it
and I am going to
tell it to you now.
You must withholdly slightly,
then withdraw
and wait until
she is mad with desire,
begging you to penetrate.
Then...
then a bit more.
But withdraw again!
Then you must wait
and withhold
until she demands it,
and even then, you give
her nothing!
Then all you have to do
is touch her
and she will explode.
I was seven years old
when he explained that.
I was seven years old.
He's telling me how to make,
like, a 35-year-old woman come,
who, like, really
knows herself.
That, my son,
is the art of making love.
Now repeat it to me.
Well.
Um, first of all,
you said that
you don't call it sex,
it's making love.
And...
and when you're doing it,
first you go in
just a little bit
and then you come back out
and then she wants more,
so you go in a little more,
and then you come back out
and she demands it
so you just touch her,
and then she explodes.
So they taught us
sex in school,
and all they did was
scare the *** out of me
because they show you these
diagrams of, like, a ***,
just this huge ***
and it's cut in half
lengthwise.
Like, yeah, that's what
your *** would look like
if I ripped off half of it
and threw it in the garbage.
And this is the ***.
***.
When intercourse occurs,
the man takes his ***
and ejaculates into the ***.
I didn't understand
anything that they taught us.
I had a hard time focusing on
what they were telling me
about all these tubes and ***.
Louie?
Louie, come up here
and show me.
Louie, show me the ***.
Show everyone the ***, Louie.
Show the class the ***.
I thought for like
five years that when...
from watching this whole thing,
that when you have sex,
you come and one of
your balls comes out.
That's what I thought happened,
that you have to come a ball
out of that little whole at
the tip of your ***.
I was terrified!
That's what I thought,
you just...
Bahh!
And you push a ball out
and she's screaming
and there's blood everywhere...
and you can only do it twice
and then you're out of balls.
That's what I thought.
You come twice
and have two babies,
and then you just walk around
with an empty sack
for the rest of your life.
Which turned out
to be true, but...
It could have been worse.
It was good... yeah, totally.
No, it was...
that was really good.
You liked that?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I'm glad you liked it.
Yeah, you really seem to know, like,
all the good places
in New York.
Well, I've been
alive for awhile
and I like to eat, so...
So I don't
know if you want to...
Yeah, I, um...
What time is it?
It's kind of late,
but I don't know,
you want to get
a drink or something or...
Yeah, you know what,
I gotta work tomorrow
and I don't really want to
start drinking right now.
I don't really
drink either, so...
You know what, though?
There's a doughnut place
on 14th Street.
You want to get
doughnuts right now?
Well, it's just kind of
a great old place.
You know, just watery coffee
Probably might get
a doughnut, too.
Maybe some doughnuts.
You want to go?
Come on,
watch me eat a doughnut.
Okay.
It'll be fun.
Yeah.
You wanna go?
Yeah.
Good, okay, come on.
If I can have a doughnut, too.
Well, you can have maybe one.
It's like $50,000 a month rent
for most places.
Your go-to place at this hour?
Mm-hmm.
That's how they knew you and
what you like, the coconut?
Yeah, that's why I didn't
have to ask.
It's getting all over you.
Sorry.
I would have come here even
if you didn't come with me.
All by yourself?
Oh, yeah.
Without me?
Sure.
I mean, I'm here every night.
Seriously?
The doughnuts.
I don't really need you here.
They're great company, yeah.
It's nice, though.
To share?
Yeah.
You... you were correct.
This is...
this is like ***.
It's *** with ***
floating in it.
It's really fantastic.
So how did you get
started being a comedian?
Oh, well, I started in
high school.
Really?
Yeah, I was 18.
Suzy!
Big old ***!
Her *** were so hot,
too, did you see that?
And I was right
out of high hool.
I found out you could do
open-mic nights in Boston,
so I started getting
interested...
***!
Sorry.
You believe these guys?
This is ridiculous.
You had that Asian chick
right in front of you, loser.
You're a loser!
Loser!
Eat my ***, you *** bag!
Eat, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat...
Eat it!
Eat it, eat it!
Nobody can even talk.
I know.
It's ridiculous.
I mean, I really am interested
that you started so young.
You are?
Yeah.
Well, yeah,
I was in high school...
Eat, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat...
Hey, hey!
Guys, could you keep it
down, please?
Thank you.
That's good, it worked.
Yeah, I hope so.
Anyway, there was these clubs
in Boston that you could go on
and they were just like
open-mic nights.
You could just...
anytime you wanted to.
How's it going?
Yeah, actually you were.
That's why I asked you
to be quiet
and you did, so thank you.
Oh, that's all right.
I'm Sean.
Sean, got it, thanks.
"Got it, thanks,"
that's your name?
No, it's Louie.
Oh, okay.
Louie.
Louie.
Hi, I'm Sean.
What's your name?
What, am I bothering you?
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Come on.
Hey, what's up, Louie?
Why don't you go back with
your friends, okay?
Yeah, see, I don't
really feel like it, Louie.
Hey, Louie, can I ask
you a question?
When was the last time
you got your *** kicked?
Come on, What?
You heard me.
When was the last time
you got your *** kicked?
I'm just curious.
What, you scared?
Are you scared right now?
No.
No?
No, I'm not scared of you.
Why?
'Cause I'm a grown man.
I'm not afraid of some young
kid, some high-school bully.
Oh, you're not afraid
of high school... No.
So what if I just decided to
kick your *** right now,
what would you do then?
Huh?
Do you want that?
I'm serious.
I can hurt you really bad.
Right now.
You see this?
Huh, you see that, huh?
It's just two days ago.
Destroyed this guy's face,
must have hit him
like 40 times,
teeth were all over the place.
Just left him there bleeding.
Probably sent him to
the hospital, I don't know.
Are you ready for that?
'Cause I'm kind of feeling like
doing that to you right now.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm kind of leaning that way.
I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe if you asked me
nicely or something, I won't...
I won't do it.
But then again, I don't know.
I don't know how
I'll feel, you know?
I don't know how I'll feel.
'Cause maybe you'll
ask me nicely
and I'll still beat
the *** out of you.
Maybe I won't.
So what do you say, Louie?
Huh?
Please don't.
Nah, I don't like
how you said that.
Why, what...
Ask nice, ask better.
It was fake.
Ask again.
Now.
Okay.
Please don't kick my ***, okay?
You're very strong
and young, I get it.
You could kick my ***,
I'm sure you could,
so I'm really asking you nicely
to please not kick
my ***, okay?
That was hard to watch.
All right, Louie.
Come on, guys, let's go.
Let's leave Louie to his date.
Ain't that right?
Let him have his
nice little date.
Enjoy.
Take care, tough guy.
Louie!
All right, Louie!
Go get 'em, Louie!
Good job, good job.
That guy was a nightmare, huh?
What?
What?
Nothing.
You didn't really want me
to fight that guy, did you?
'Cause he...
No, no, no.
That guy was pretty serious.
Yeah, of course.
No, of course.
Hey, look, if you need
to be with some guy
that gets into fights with
dumb young jocks, that's...
I got two kids,
you know, I'm not...
No, I would never.
You did the right thing.
I mean, of course, no,
of course not.
I mean, that was... you know,
it was pretty humiliating.
Yeah.
Hey, look, I don't...
I'm getting this weird feeling
like you're looking down
at me right now
for what just happened.
I don't... I mean, I would
never want a guy to fight.
That's... of course.
It's so stupid.
I'd be pissed if you did.
And, y'know, I mean,
being violent is just
the dumbest thing ever.
And, y'know, who cares
what you have to say
to get the guy off your back.
I... I totally feel
that way.
But, uh...
What ?!
I just, I don't...
I mean, if I'm
being totally honest,
that was a turnoff,
seeing that.
Jesus Christ.
I know.
I'm sorry, I can't help it.
I don't know, I just...
It's like a primitive thing
or something.
I mean, you see this guy
just totally debase himself
and it's like just to be safe?
It's... a turnoff.
That's seriously a real bummer.
You know?
Women like you that choose
stupid strong people
over the weak and the gentles.
Listen, look.
Okay, I'm a grown woman
and my mind is telling me
that you are a great guy.
But my chemistry is telling
me that you're a loser.
I mean, I'm surprised,
y'know, by my own reaction.
Yeah.
Wow.
I have no defense.
I mean, I'm completely
surprised by my own
feelings about it.
That's... I think you've
said enough things.
I'm sorry.
Okay?
So let's maybe
put you in a cab now.
Should I leave a tip
or something?
I got it, okay?
Okay, yeah.
It was a great
doughnut, though.
Yeah, thank you very much.
May I get the door
for you, madam?
'Cause you're
a woman and I'm a man
and you're... I'm strong
and mighty.
Yeah?
Hey.
You don't know me...
but...
What, are you
selling something or...
No, no.
Who's this?
I'm here because...
You have a son named Sean?
Yeah.
Well, I had a little trouble
with him tonight.
Like what?
Well, he threatened me.
He threatened to beat me up.
Uh, would... would you
come in, please?
Yeah, sure.
Jimmy, turn that *** down.
I'm playing!
Turn it down, *** it!
So... what happened?
Well, I was at a... at this
doughnut place on 14th Street
and I was on a date and...
Well, Sean came in with
all these friends of his
and they were just
making a racket
and nobody
could talk or anything,
and so I asked them
to keep it down.
He starts threatening me
and saying that
he could beat me up.
He's saying that he's
beat other people up
and he's saying that...
Well, he said that if
I didn't ask him not to,
that he would beat
the *** out of me.
Oh, my God.
Look, nothing
happened to me, I'm okay,
but it was scary.
Y'know, I'm not a fighting guy.
I'm 42.
I got children.
I'm not gonna get in
a fight with somebody.
But, look, he threatened me,
and that's illegal.
Sean, get down here.
Sean!
What?
Get down here!
What, what, what, what?
Were you bothering this guy?
What the hell?
What did you do?
What the hell are you doing here?
What did you say?
Listen, I don't know what
this guy told you, Dad.
Dad... ***, Dad, I don't
know what he told you!
I don't know what he told you!
Tell him you're sorry!
Tell him you're sorry, *** it!
Stop hitting him!
How do you think he turned out like this!
What are you talking about?
He's no good!
Don't say that, he's your kid.
He probably could
have been a good kid.
He's obviously smart.
But what... how... you teach
him to just hit people.
What was he gonna be
but a stupid bully?
I mean, you never
gave him a chance.
Hey, screw you!
Who the hell are you?
Get the hell out of my house, you ***.
Tell me how to raise my kid!
Go back to New York,
you Obama-loving ***!
Who needs ya ?!
Hey.
Hey, buddy, listen.
Yeah?
Hey, man,
I don't know what to do.
I mean, I got three kids
in there and, you know...
He's 18 now, you know.
I don't know what to do.
Listen, I don't know... I don't
know what you're dealing with.
You know, I got two kids,
but they're girls
and the oldest one's eight,
so I don't know, I mean...
I guess, I just...
I would go with
maybe not hitting 'em.
That doesn't seem like
such a great idea.
Well, that's what I know.
My dad hit me, and his dad him.
How's that going?
Yeah.
How old were you
when you had kids?
I was 34.
I was 20.
Seriously?
20, yeah.
Grace had a great *** then.
20, that's crazy.
Yeah.
Then again, my life from
20 to 34 was all ***,
so I might as well
have had kids then.
What do you do?
Sanitation.
You?
I'm a comedian.
Get the ( blank ) out of here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a job.
No, it isn't.
I guess not.
I mean, I was a piece
of *** when I was a kid.
I stole t happens.
And I couldn't take it
back from him
'cause he was bigger
than me, he could kick my ***.
And I've never been in a fight.
I've never been in a fight.
I've never beat anybody up,
I've never sucked a guy's ***.
Those two things I never did,
was beat somebody up
or suck a guy's ***.
And I mention those two,
'cause those a the two things
I never did, like...
I would say things
that I'll never do
that I've crossed the line
where I never will do them,
'cause I'm 42
and it would just be
a weird time to start
is fighting, blowing guys,
and skiing.
I think those
are the three things...
that the window has closed
on learning to ski,
starting to be
a fighting person
or blowing men.
Who starts blowing guys at 42?
Hey, man.
Just... don't.
Who are you?
I'm you in 30 years.
You gotta be kidding me.
You're fat.
You're ugly.
I mean...
Yeah, you're gonna
be bald, too.
All right?
Oh, my God.
This is a nightmare.
What happened to you?
I don't know, man.
You'll see.
This sucks.
Mm-hmm.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com