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[Presenter: Vsevolod Kotov] Hello, this is "Russia Not Today":
we recommend you not to watch the news, but rather peer at it.
We're all familiar with the TV presenter Dmitriy Kiselev,
and he wasn't so interesting to us until one specific moment.
I was appointed the director general of the new international news agency, Russia Today.
So... aside from it being an obvious rip-off,
for what does Kiselev deserve such an honour?
Recall how Putin / with Olympian imperturbability, Putin
always emphasised that / Putin, Putin, Putin, Putin, Putin
Putin, Putin, Vladimir Putin, Putin...
Well, in general, the method is clear.
Despite his new assignment, Kiselev hasn't given up presenting News Of The Week,
and the main object of his attention in the following weeks was:
A foul, in the truest sense of the word, encampment...
Yes, the Maidan in Kiev.
Let us explore the methods of supplying objective information
from Mr Kiselev and his team.
Gourmet food: pieces of bacon fried over a hot, rusty barrel.
Here is some self-made armour, made from foam mats and sticky tape.
So Kiselev is accusing Ukrainians of being poorly fed and poorly dressed.
Isn't that why they want to be in Europe?
Here we see a Swedish table [smorgasbord]...
Swedish, therefore European?
First Swedish tables, then Swedish family [polygamy], then sodomy...
traditional values are in danger!
But next he brings in the big guns.
This is just an internet video of Van Damme.
How could Kiselev react to this?
Looks like Ukraine, doesn't it?
No.
It looks like a guy between two trucks.
I'm curious to know what Kiselev would be like at the psychologist's.
So, young man, tell me what you see.
Ukraine.
OK. And this?
Ukraine.
Right. And in this picture?
Ukraine.
OK... and this one?
Aggressive Russian gays.
I see, this is an interesting case...
Security!
So, let's adopt the methods of News Of The Week.
"This despicable human garbage, worse than a dog, three times made accursed acts of betrayal."
Sounds like Kiselev, right?
"He betrayed the trust and fatherly love for him from the party and its leader."
How about this?
"These Ukrainian-Eurointegrators are worse than a three-times sick dog!"
"They have forsaken the fatherly love of their dear Russian leader!"
"...and now will scoff foul scraps on the outskirts of the EU."
As we have seen, Dmitriy Kiselev is a true professional.
Let's see how he copes in an unexpected situation.
This is the first big decision for Elvira Nabiulina, the new head of the Russian Central Bank.
The reason being a risky credit policy, that is the distribution
I'm sorry... the distribution of insecure loans, and...
That's not a phone call: it's a reminder.
It's been too long since Kiselev's mentioned Putin, Ukraine and homosexuals.
How did the blue Eurocommissioners not get their hands on Ukraine?
I can almost picture how Kiselev's team came up with this phrase...
What's the subtlest way we can call these Europeans?
Well... they have a blue flag... so let's call them 'blue'!
Like they're faggots, get it? Ha ha ha! ['blue' means 'gay' in Russia]
Carl Bildt was a CIA agent in his youth.
Concerning Ukraine, Bildt words have been numerous,
extravagant... and empty.
For a diplomat to be both of those is not proper.
However, it's hard to say that Swedish people know what is proper these days.
For example, here are some Swedish children's toys:
Biss and Kajs. A stream of urine, and a ***.
They are the heroes on a popular children's TV show
on the Barnkanalen children's channel.
From show to show, the *** and stream of urine invite guests to join them.
Here, for example, is a butt.
What are you trying to say, Kiselev?
Sweden has bad diplomats because their children are shown these kinds of programs?
I wonder what the TV presenters are like in a country
where adults are shown THIS type of program?
The art of pooing.
If you have balls, then you are a man!
Relax your belly, straighten your back,
and POO!
But what is Maidan?
It's a small spot on Ukraine's body.
If you burn it with a soldering iron, it'll be painful.
Painful, yet on the whole, not fatal.
But if you use political technology correctly, you can overheat this point,
show it through a magnifying glass - TV and internet are the best ways -
and create the impression that the whole country is like this,
then it may prove to be fatal.
Did you see that? Dmitriy Kiselev just described how he does his show!
Another method is to show a real object.
After all, if the presenter can touch it, then what he says must be true.
I have in my hands a protective helmet from the Ukrainian internal forces.
And I have in my hands... the Turin Shroud!
The helmet's been broken...
Well, this shroud's got a hole in it, too!
Sometimes I wonder how Dmitriy Kiselev knows so much.
One way or another, Kiev pulled the emergency brake on its way to the EU.
Did Russia persuade them? No!
Moscow was worried, but did not discourage them.
Hello, yes, Vladimir Vladimirovich...
worried, but didn't discourage, right? Ah, I'll write that down...
Thanks. Perfect.
Yeah, I saw that show from Swedish cable TV.
Yeah, very decaying, very Western, I liked it...
Of course I'll say it was shown on their main central channel.
Yes, thank you again.
Love you. No, you hang up.
No. No, you. No, you...
In general, we should be happy that now the whole world
will get their news from this objective, powerful domestic news agency.
Ukraine: a foul, in the truest sense of the word, encampment.
Spoiled and abandoned. The end.
Not Russia, not today.