Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Live from Berlin
this is the Schaumschau
our guests tonight: Peter Kern,
Andreas Altmann
und HGich.T
Please welcome
the daftest host of all times
here he comes:
Dennis Prinz!
Good evening!
Good evening!
Good Evening!
Good evening!
old farts and fatties
My name is Markus Lanz
and I don't care about your hatred!
Welcome to a new task!
This is the Vengaboys among the talkshows
Applause!
A perfect beginning for our jewel
the Schaumschau!
The late-night-show
from Hipsterham, where the hipsters hang
and where some hipsters sham.
Schaumschau
the show that no one deserves!
Like a cake you put on the window sill to cool down
like me, who cries on the window sill.
Never touch! Only watch!
forbidden for all of you!
and sacred!
Sacred!
Sacred!
Wicked! The Schaumschau!
Unfortunately, only with Dennis Prinz!
The "Schmauchsau"
has been a constant ***
in German homes.
Applause!
And because the depression brings us down
like leaden glue
and every movement hurts like hell
let us welcome our fantastic guests
Hurray
This one is Peter Kern
I am looking forward to this guest because...
He was in the news because ...
And I like him because ...
Applause!
You miserable dogs!
And here we've got Andreas Altmann.
She is touring through Germany with her latest movie.
And through all the other German-speaking countries
and she will explain to us today...
and we have a musical contribution
Right, but first Applause!
Applause!
...for Andreas Altmann
She, who usually doesn't visit talk-shows.
But who is going to make an exeption for us.
Bravo! Thank you! Awesome!
And our musical contribution,
you cannot possibly know them,
HGich.T
My music: The Schaumband!
foam - foam -foam - foam
foam - foam - foam - foam
foam-show - foam-show - foam-show
foam-show - foam-show - foam-show
foam-show - foam-show - foam-show
foam-show - foam-show - foam-show
The Schaumband, Ladies and Gentlemen!
We have got some really interesting guests coming tonight.
I am really looking forward to welcome Andreas Altmann
Peter Kern und HGich.T
But, until then,...
we will...
Daniel?
...we will tell you what happend so far.
Or we can talk about who did NOT show up
Oh, right, yes.
We can tell them about Jutta Ditfurth.
Who else cancelled on us?
Nina Hagen.
other nasty cancellations...
not really...
with bad... ...pardon??
Never mind.
Anyway, it's always fun to invite people.
Otherwise... We tried to get telecasted.
There were pilot episodes,
but nobody wanted them.
Therefore we are now online
Mondays at 10 p.m.
Let's now have a look at a clip
that we filmed with the amazing Silva
Silva, what was it like?
What are you talking about?
We didn't film anything you ***!
Well,
let's check it out nevertheless.
Silva Gevorkian with her new series B-Berlin
Applause!
At home you can check out the clip that we won't film 'til next week.
Now we are going to count down to come back after that clip.
And it'd be amazing if you could give us a big hand.
For probably the 10th time.
...even if you still don't mean it.
5-4-3-2-1
Silva Gevorkian!
Silva, you became pianist now?
You can probably say so.
Somebody forced me to.
Somebody or nodody?
Somebody!
I have to get to our guest now.
Because of performing rights
the show is only going to be 40 min long from now on.
HGich.T is going to come
they are going to be performing live.
Also, Peter Kern und Andreas Altmann.
So I have nothing more to say,
so maybe Andreas Altmann can take over.
I want to welcome our first guest:
Andreas Altmann!
Andreas Altmann, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Andreas, before, you asked why I invited you.
I honestly don't know really.
Eva invited you.
You wrote about 700 mails with her.
All I knew was that you wrote a book.
From Paris to Berlin in 33 days by foot.
That's pretty much it, yes.
Well, we payed 410 € for the flight.
Did the success go to your head?
That is a good question.
I promised myself
after the book for which I walked from Paris to Berlin
without any money,
and people expected me to write hiking-books only from now on,
No! From now on I fly business class again.
That is why you had to pay.
We pay and he gains a lot of money with this book.
This is your latest book.
Andreas Altmann - "This ***-up beautiful life"
"Stories of the one that got away."
What did you get away from?
That is a long story!
Would you like to have a drink?
We have got a couple of future product placements here.
This could be YOUR brand of beer,
this could be YOUR Energy brand
this could be YOUR whiskey brand,
YOUR brand of ***,
YOUR brand of water,
YOUR brand of tonic,
*** brand,
Mate brand,
*** brand
And *** brand.
What would you like to drink?
I'll take one of those.
YOUR whiskey brand.
Would you like it with ...
...coke or straight?
I usually don't drink, but I reckon one drink is okay tonight.
I'll join you for one in that case.
That's perfect thanks.
Let's drink to you.
Or let's drink on getting away.
Tell us about that!
Of course I didn't read a single one of your books...
Then again I didn't read any book since elementary.
So don't you worry, it's nothing personal.
There is a German saying
Knowlede is might - no knowlede might be too.
So honestly,
who does actually read nowadays?
2 years ago my book was published
"The ***-up Life of my Father, The ***-up Life of my Mother,
and my own ***-up Youth."
It was a ranked as a German Bestseller for 8 months.
So...you are pretty rich now?
Because books do bring money still.
We explicitly said we were not going to talk about money!
You might have talked about that with Eva...
I might need to talk things through with Eva afterwards.
Anyways,
I wrote this book,
and I don't have a place of birth but rather a birth defect
because the place where I was born,
is a place in Bavaria
Roman Catholic contaminated
it's hypocritical and false,
it's two-faced
there are cases of child abuse and child maltreatment.
I thought about this book for 30 years.
I used real names in it,
If you write a book nowadays, you cannot just accuse people randomly.
So if somebody is accused of something in a book,
this person can sue the author
then book will have to be abolished through preliminary injunction.
This means
I had to be very accurate legally
and had to provide proof for everything I said.
And when the book was published in autumn 2011,
not one of the culprits protested
because they knew
that we knew that they did what I said they did.
Of what did you accuse them exactly?
It sounds a bit like some kind of revenge.
Well I am of a certain age
my dad was in WWII
he was first an SA-member and later SS-member
so he was, like many others, destroyed by the war.
And all my teachers were somehow destroyed.
Sick and angry because of the lost war.
Not understanding that they lost the war of a psychopath.
No. They were angry and took it out on us students.
That would be unimaginable today.
There are not many punchlines, are there?
Let me just give you one example.
Our priest handed out small picture cards,
Just to give you an insight into my generation and
with what perception of women we were brough up.
On the front there was a pretty and well-dressed woman.
Then the priest told us to turn our cards around.
The other side had like a small window you could open
on the inside there were snakes, spiders and worms.
This was supposed to teach us that women look nice,
but that she is evil inside.
They seduce men and are to blame for the misery on earth.
Like Eve in Paradise.
That is what they tought us,
and that might be one reason for domestic violence.
Is that something you carry around with you all the time?
Not at all, no.
That was when I ran away from my father.
At the age of 18, and still a minor back then,
I suffered from psychosomatic disorders
both physically and mentally
I then needed therapy for 20 years
on three different continents.
Did you go in therapy was it mostly self-treatment?
No, I didn't even write back then.
I never dared.
At the age of 40 though, the devil gave me the talent to write.
That's when I started writing
and the more I wrote the less I needed therapy.
It helped me to process everything.
From then on I was better.
I somehow learned to deal with all the bad things,
which did not only affect me.
Many others have lived through the same.
And the writing helped me to get over it.
I am in no way depressed now.
I am not miserable now because of my miserable youth.
It wasn't nice, but that's over now.
I now lead a good life and I am happy about it.
And that is all because of my talent
which I am grateful for.
I can free myself of my past by writing it down.
And you are good now.
I can't complain.
Andreas Altmann!
I don't really know what to say now.
Let me help you out.
I like men that know what they want.
Well that was all about the book that came out 2 years ago.
Then I wrote "A user's manual for the world".
And now this one.
It is a book for people who...
It might be about getting older, but not only.
There are very young people who have had very intense lifes.
Who have experienced bad things.
I got letters from young women
in which they told me about their experiences
how they were abused at home.
My story is not as cruel as many of those.
Those are the stories people understand
if they have experienced something on their own.
Both good and bad things.
All my books
and this is my 16th,
treat the same topic:
I want my readers to live their life.
As Freud said
At the age of 30 men start to realize that they will die.
Until then he thinks he is immortal. No 18 year old thinks about death.
at the age of 30 you become aware of it though.
We all know how people can waste their life.
Brainwashed from media, religion and the State.
And I want people to get active.
Why do you think you can tell people things like that?
Because I dare!
I have lived on 4 different continents,
I have stayed in a buddist abbey in Japan,
I stayed with gurus in India,
I have lived in New York, in Mexico City and now I live in Paris.
I have, also through my therapy,
through the people I met,
I interviewed Mandela
long before I started writing books I wrote for magazines and papers.
I wrote article for Geo, FAZ, Zeit, Focus, Playboy...
And I hope they only write positive things about your book?
Yes, they seem to like me.
Is there some kind of solidarity among journalists?
Usually not,
but, like in every other job, there are people that are relaxed.
Who are happy for those that are successful.
That often is a problem for people.
But why do you live in Paris now?
Because in Germany people often aren't happy for you?
That is the same thing in Paris.
I don't think that Frechmen are the better people.
Wherever you go there are people that are jealous.
People don't always want the best for you.
That is normal. There are others that will be happy for you!
I am happy when my friends succeed. I help them and they help me.
After 16 books and almost a million sold copies,
I guess people know I am successful.
Andreas, it might be due to my lack of sleep
but you make me very weak.
Really?
Yes. Thanks for being here.
Here is to the future!
I would like to welcome our next guest.
Once again, I am lost for words. I am very grateful you all showed up.
He is a genius!
He has made movies like "Blutsfreundschaft" ("Initiation")
"Haider lebt"
And I am happy to welcome: Peter Kern!
Peter Kern, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Please applaude!
What is the idea... Wait, does the mic work?
I do hope so! Ludwig! Does his microphone work?
Somehow, people always put mine on mute.
That is scandalous, isn't it?
Well that is not going to happen in this show!
Does it work now? Can you hear me?
-Yes -Oh really?
Yes, darling.
What is this foam about?
For the last two hours I had to endure those machines...
There are 3 of them out there!
7 actually.
...and then all you can see is a bit of foam...
The idea of the Schaumschau...foam is made of nothing really, is it?
May I explain it to you?
We are under a lot of pressure to come up with new things nowadays.
When I came up with this concept,
I experimented for six weeks in a basement...
Dennis, please say "Du" not "Sie".
Ok, Du and Peter.
Now we should kiss.
Again!
How about a decent one now?
I have to watch out...
It's a bit boring if only people up here kiss, don't you think?
Good Point!
Can we film the audience please?
We need a kiss in the audience as well!
And we need better light!
You don't even want to know what might happen now.
Daniel,
you have to... you are allowed to kiss Sadie.
But, when I think of it...
I have to ask: Where is Korni?
Korni?
Would you please come out here for a sec?
Kornelius Glaser!
Korni! The show should be called Korni-show!
To be fair now though,
we have to let Korni, who is our cutter,
kiss his wife, too.
Not too long though!
Excuse me!
I am the guest, I have the right to protest.
Maybe just one more kiss for Mr.Kern?
Babe, his thoughts will be with you.
There we go.
Kornelius Glaser!
Do you want to know what that foam reminds me of?
This looks like my stomack feels...
When I came from Vienna to Berlin yesterday,
I bought a Currywurst,
and let me just say I am not sure if that was such a good idea...
I went to the toilet at least 40 times in my extravagant hotel,
and there was a small incident...
There might be another incident during the rest of the show...
Just do what you need to do.
To prevent anything from happening, I took something to help me out...
It's a device to let you detect a possible incident.
It's perfume.
In case I use it like this,
then you know something happend.
Just so you know how to detect a possible catastrophe.
But we don't need to adress the problem then, alright?
Peter, would you like to have a drink?
Non-sparkling water, please.
Non-sparkling water...
I don't think we even have water to offer at all.
Do you drink alcohol?
No, I don't drink. I hate alcohol...
Then I can only offer you...
Never mind. Just the foam is fine.
I wanted to explain why
The Schaumschau doesn't really deserve it's titel today.
There is this pressure to invent something new.
I spent 6 months on developing a working system
with vacuum cleaners that worked the other way around
and everything worked perfectly fine...
Dennis, let me tell you something.
Don't ever admit that something didn't work out.
That is how shows work.
Just tell them you wanted it to be exactly as it is now.
And you spent months calculating,
so that there'd be exactly this amount of foam!
Calm down!
That is their concept!
Mr.Kminski wants me to calm down a bit.
Oh right, your name is Altmann.
I called you Kaminski all the time behind the scenes.
But why?
I feel it suits you better.
"Kamin" like the German fire place...
Looking for firewood...
Like a curious man, looking around...
It burns... Kaminski...
That was an aweful description.
I thought I invented the name.
Is there a Stefan Kaminski here?
Daniel, you know stuff like that!
Who is your favorite author?
He doesn't read.
I hardly ever read.
But Silva, could you come over here and read for us?
There is a story behind that.
Some people might say we found it online, but that is a lie!
Everything on the internet is a lie.
Please applaud Silva Gevorkian.
Join us Silva!
Silva is an expert for social media.
How are you?
With you here, we feel much better.
Good!
You are the real foam!
She is the true star here.
One more round of applause for Silva, please!
Somehow...
Do you know what Dennis?
This is not supposed to work like this, Silva!
Read your *** yourself, you ***.
Did you listen?
Alright!
Peter, could you read it out and tell me who wrote it?
I'd love to read it out loud, but I need to concentrate!
And for this highly complicated text,
I'd love to split the audience in 3 parts.
You guys, left of the lady who was kissed.
That's where we split you guys.
So up to the lady who was kissed by the handsome young fellow.
Then the middle part, and you guys are the outer part.
You guys say with me: "I am the power"
"I am Power"
Very good!
The middle group: "I am art"
"I am Art!"
And that group says: "I am a looser!"
1, 2, 3 and
I knew you weren't gonna say it!
Just let it out! Just like after an ***...
While breathing out.
1, 2, 3
We have got ONE true looser!
"Power" is 1
Number 2 is ...
"Art"
All at the same time!
We start reading now.
I read 4 words, then you read 4 words.
And somehow,
somehow, somehow, somehow to communicate something.
I am Power!
About the overwhelming,
immortal, overpowerful und unconditional
I am art
heart-warming,
mind-expanding,
persisting, never-ending
love,
which I feel for you.
And now all at the same time! 1, 2, 3
You did a wonderful job!
Applause!
For you, for Peter Kern, for Andreas Altmann.
Peter Kern, Andreas Altmann,
there are many more questions I would want to ask,
but we are close to the end of the show.
That is...
You never learn new things about yourself in these shows.
You know what would interest me?
I think you worked with pretty much all the people I admire.
Still, I wonder
do you think that you have arrived in the mainstream media?
Is that important to you?
Or do reckon you are more sophisticated?
Where would you place your rather exiting life?
I don't think it is my job to rank or place myself.
That isn't the way it works.
I have a stand in life
and I have opinions and visions.
And I stick to it with every film.
I don't care about the placement in society.
I think that in our minds
we are all falling apart somehow.
The pressure for good quotes, the madness...
We don't have any quotes.
And that is why I am here, in your show.
Something extreme and very different
You all work for free!
That is very touching.
That something develops online.
And you can support this development.
A development of something edgy, that does things differently.
Which might prevent us from going to the dogs.
Cause right now we are just tools of others.
Peter Kern!
There is nothing more to add
and I have to
cancel on our next guest.
Still, I am exited to announce the life performance
of the amazing band
HGich.T with their song "Künstlerschweine"
Make some noise!
Just to explain something,
we are running out of time,
so if have to skip the talking part, as much as I hate to,
but we have got legal restrictions.
I would like to ask you
to get up carefully now
as civilised as possible,
and to join us at the stage.
You guys start. Alicia.
Come here.
Come here for salvation.
Let's have a concert.
Come with me!
Don't be scared. No high heels.
-Can we dance? -You can do whatever you want!
Anja!
Come with me!
Rosa, Sparta, Sadie
We kissed before, didn't we?
Get on stage. You are a concert.
Are you the stars?
No! We are the stars, that is why we are on stage and you are not.
Your task now is to worship us.
And I am sure that you'll do a great job!
Now I am going to pick someone...
Who am I gonna take?
I want YOU
No, I want you here!
Cause I can still see over your head.
Good!
We are going to announce you now
and then you just start.
Here we go:
Please welcome,
here are: HGich.T with their song "Künstlerschweine"!
HGich.T
Ladies and gentlemen, that's it for tonight!
Thank you for watching!
Thank you Peter Kern!
Thank you Andreas Altmann!
Thank you HGich.T!
Until next week
Monday 10 p.m. at schaumschau.de
With Wilson Gonzalez Ochsenknecht,
Priscillia von der Kacke,
and Aerea Negrot!
Good Night!
Thank you very much!
Sorry we didn't have that much time.
We have too little time...
Thank you very much!