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TERRY, I KNOW THAT I HAVEN'T WORKED HERE VERY LONG
BUT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE
IF I GOT A HUNDRED-DOLLAR ADVANCE ON MY SALARY?
AN ADVANCE?
IT'S SO THAT I CAN SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH MY FAMILY.
SEE, EVERY YEAR WE GO SKIING IN VAIL
AND, NORMALLY, MY FATHER PAYS FOR MY TICKET
BUT I'VE SORT OF STARTED THIS WHOLE INDEPENDENT THING
WHICH IS ACTUALLY WHY I TOOK THIS "JOB."
RACHEL, RACHEL.
SWEETHEART.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE WAITRESS.
REALLY, REALLY AWFUL.
OKAY. I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
I'M WITH YOU.
UM...
BUT I'M TRYING REALLY HARD
AND I THINK I'M DOING BETTER.
I REALLY DO.
DOES ANYBODY NEED COFFEE?
[Captioning sponsored by WARNER BROS. TELEVISION, NBC
and OCEAN SPRAY Crave the Wave]
♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YOU COME IN HERE ALL THE TIME.
I WAS JUST WONDERING--
COULD YOU POSSIBLY GIVE ME AN ADVANCE ON MY TIPS?
OKAY. THAT'S FINE.
HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT SPILL BEFORE.
ONLY $98.50 TO GO.
HEY.
ROSS, DID YOU KNOW THAT MOM AND DAD
ARE GOING TO PUERTO RICO FOR THANKSGIVING?
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
THE BLYMANS INVITED THEM.
YOU'RE WRONG.
I AM NOT WRONG.
YOU'RE WRONG.
NO. I JUST TALKED TO THEM.
I'M CALLING MOM.
HEY, HEY.
HEY.
AND THIS
FROM THE CRY-FOR-HELP DEPARTMENT--
ARE YOU WEARING MAKEUP?
YES, I AM.
AS OF TODAY, I AM OFFICIALLY JOEY TRIBBIANI
ACTOR SLASH MODEL.
THAT'S SO FUNNY
'CAUSE I WAS THINKING YOU LOOK MORE LIKE
JOEY TRIBBIANI, MAN SLASH WOMAN.
WHAT WERE YOU MODELING FOR?
YOU KNOW THOSE POSTERS FOR THE CITY FREE CLINIC?
WOW! SO YOU'LL BE ONE OF THOSE
HEALTHY, HEALTHY, HEALTHY GUYS?
YOU KNOW, THE ASTHMA GUY'S REALLY CUTE.
DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONE YOU'LL BE?
NO, BUT I HEAR LYME DISEASE IS OPEN, SO...
GOOD LUCK, MAN.
I HOPE YOU GET IT.
THANKS.
WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT.
HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO US?
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
OKAY. HOW ABOUT IF I COOK DINNER AT MY PLACE?
I'LL MAKE IT JUST LIKE MOM'S.
WILL YOU MAKE THE MASHED POTATOES
WITH THE LUMPS?
THEY'RE NOT
ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO HAVE...
I'LL WORK ON THE LUMPS.
JOEY, YOU'RE GOING HOME, RIGHT?
YEAH.
AND I ASSUME, CHANDLER
YOU'RE STILL BOYCOTTING
ALL THE PILGRIM HOLIDAYS.
YES. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
PHOEBE, YOU'LL BE WITH YOUR GRANDMA?
YEAH, AND HER BOYFRIEND
BUT WE'RE CELEBRATING THANKSGIVING IN DECEMBER
'CAUSE HE'S LUNAR.
SO YOU'RE FREE THURSDAY, THEN?
YEAH.
OH! CAN I COME?
RACH, ARE YOU STILL THINKING YOU'LL MAKE IT TO VAIL?
ABSOLUTELY.
SHOOP, SHOOP, SHOOP.
ONLY $102 TO GO.
I THOUGHT IT WAS $98.50.
IT WAS, BUT I BROKE A CUP.
WELL, I'M OFF TO CAROL'S.
OOH! OOH! WHY DON'T WE INVITE HER?
"OOH! OOH!" BECAUSE SHE'S MY EX-WIFE
AND WILL PROBABLY WANT TO BRING HER "OOH! OOH!"
LESBIAN LIFE PARTNER.
( knocking )
HI.
HI. IS CAROL HERE?
NO, SHE'S AT A FACULTY MEETING.
OH.
WELL, I JUST CAME BY TO PICK UP MY SKULL.
WELL, NOT MINE, BUT...
COME IN.
THANKS.
CAROL BORROWED IT FOR A CLASS
AND I HAVE TO GET IT BACK TO THE MUSEUM.
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
KIND OF LIKE A BIG FACE WITHOUT SKIN.
YES, I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE CONCEPT.
WE CAN JUST LOOK FOR IT.
OKAY.
WOW, YOU GUYS...
SURE HAVE A LOT OF BOOKS ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A COURSE.
OTHERWISE, THEY DON'T LET YOU DO IT.
HEY.
HEY, YERTLE THE TURTLE.
A CLASSIC.
ACTUALLY, I'M READING IT TO THE BABY.
THE BABY THAT HASN'T BEEN BORN YET?
WOULDN'T THAT MEAN YOU'RE... CRAZY?
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK
THEY CAN HEAR SOUNDS IN THERE?
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
I MEAN, YOU REALLY... YOU REALLY TALK TO IT?
YEAH. ALL THE TIME.
I WANT THE BABY TO KNOW MY VOICE.
DO YOU, UH...
DO YOU TALK ABOUT ME?
YEAH. ALL THE TIME.
REALLY?
BUT, UM...
WE JUST REFER TO YOU AS BOBO THE *** GUY.
LOOK, IF SHE'S TALKING TO IT
I JUST THINK I SHOULD GET SOME BELLY TIME TOO.
I MEAN, NOT THAT I BELIEVE ANY OF THIS.
OH, I BELIEVE IT.
I THINK THE BABY CAN TOTALLY HEAR EVERYTHING.
REALLY?
I'LL SHOW YOU.
THIS WILL SEEM WEIRD
BUT YOU PUT YOUR HEAD INSIDE THIS TURKEY
AND THEN WE'LL ALL TALK
AND YOU'LL HEAR EVERYTHING WE SAY.
I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY I'M...
I'M TOTALLY BEHIND
THIS EXPERIMENT.
IN FACT, I'D... I'D VERY MUCH LIKE
TO BUTTER YOUR HEAD.
Ross: HI.
Monica: HEY, RACH.
DID YOU MAKE YOUR MONEY?
NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE.
FORGET VAIL.
FORGET SEEING MY FAMILY.
FORGET SHOOP, SHOOP, SHOOP.
RACH... HERE'S YOUR MAIL.
THANKS. YOU CAN JUST PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
NO, HERE'S YOUR MAIL.
THANKS. YOU CAN JUST PUT IT ON THE TABLE.
WOULD YOU JUST OPEN IT?!
OH, MY GOD!
OH, YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.
WE ALL CHIPPED IN.
WE DID?
YOU OWE ME 20 BUCKS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
CHANDLER, HERE YOU GO.
GOT YOUR TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY FEAST: TOMATO SOUP
YOUR GRILLED CHEESE FIXINS
AND YOUR FAMILY-SIZED BAG OF FUNYUNS.
THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE HAVING FOR THANKSGIVING?
WHAT'S WITH YOU AND THIS HOLIDAY?
ALL RIGHT. I'M NINE YEARS OLD.
AW, NOT THIS STORY.
WE'VE JUST FINISHED THANKSGIVING DINNER.
I HAVE-- AND I REMEMBER THIS VIVIDLY--
A MOUTHFUL OF PUMPKIN PIE.
AND THIS IS THE MOMENT MY PARENTS CHOOSE TO TELL ME
THEY'RE GETTING DIVORCED.
OH, MY GOD.
YES. VERY DIFFICULT TO ENJOY THANKSGIVING DINNER
ONCE YOU'VE SEEN IT
IN REVERSE.
UH, HI.
WE, UH...
WE USED TO WORK TOGETHER.
WE DID?
YEAH. AT MACY'S.
YOU'RE THE "OBSESSION GIRL"?
YES.
I WAS THE "ARAMIS GUY."
"ARAMIS
"ARAMIS
ARAMIS."
YEAH, RIGHT.
I GOT TO TELL YOU--
YOU'RE THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS.
GET OUT.
I'M SERIOUS.
YOU'RE AMAZING.
YOU KNOW WHEN TO SPRITZ.
YOU KNOW WHEN TO LAY BACK.
REALLY? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME.
( sniffing ): OOH.
YOU SMELL GREAT TONIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
( quietly ): NOTHING.
LISTEN, DO YOU WANT TO GO GET A DRINK OR SOMETHING?
YEAH. THAT'D BE...
OH.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
OH, WHAT?
UM...
LEAVE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
( all chuckling )
( clears throat )
SO I GUESS YOU ALL SAW IT.
SAW WHAT?
NO, WE'RE JUST LAUGHING.
YOU KNOW HOW LAUGHTER CAN BE INFECTIOUS.
HEY.
SET ANOTHER PLACE FOR THANKSGIVING.
MY ENTIRE FAMILY THINKS
I HAVE V.D.
TONIGHT, ON A VERY SPECIAL BLOSSOM...
MMM, LOOKING GOOD.
CIDER'S MULLING, TURKEY'S TURKING, YAMS ARE YAMMING.
WHAT?
IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITHOUT MOM IN THE KITCHEN.
GET OUT OF MY WAY AND STOP ANNOYING ME.
THAT'S CLOSER.
I GOT THE TICKETS.
FIVE HOURS FROM NOW...
SHOOP, SHOOP, SHOOP.
YOU MUST STOP SHOOPING.
I'M GOING TO GET MY STUFF.
CHANDLER, WILL YOU COME IN ALREADY?
I PREFER TO KEEP A SAFE DISTANCE FROM ALL THIS MERRIMENT.
LOOK OUT.
INCOMING PUMPKIN PIE.
( imitating airplane engine )
OKAY, WE ALL LAUGHED WHEN YOU DID IT WITH THE STUFFING
BUT THAT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.
MONICA, I GOT A QUESTION.
I DON'T SEE ANY TATER TOTS.
THAT'S NOT A QUESTION.
MY MOM ALWAYS MAKES THEM.
IT'S A TRADITION.
YOU GET A LITTLE TURKEY ON YOUR FORK
A LITTLE CRANBERRY SAUCE
AND A TOT.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH
I CAN'T BE WITH MY FAMILY
BECAUSE OF MY DISEASE.
ALL RIGHT.
TONIGHT'S POTATOES WILL BE BOTH MASHED WITH LUMPS
AND IN THE FORM OF TOTS.
I'M OFF TO TALK TO MY UNBORN CHILD.
AH!
MOM NEVER HIT.
OKAY, ALL DONE.
PHOEBE, DID YOU WHIP THE POT...
ROSS NEEDS LUMPS.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT WE COULD HAVE THEM WHIPPED
AND THEN ADD SOME PEAS AND ONIONS.
WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?
'CAUSE THEN THEY'D BE THE WAY MY MOM USED TO MAKE IT
BEFORE SHE DIED.
OKAY, THREE KINDS OF POTATOES COMING UP.
OKAY, GOOD-BYE, YOU GUYS.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
OH, LOOK.
OH, SORRY.
THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE THING HAS HAPPENED.
UNDERDOG HAS GOTTEN AWAY.
THE BALLOON?
NO, THE ACTUAL CARTOON CHARACTER.
OF COURSE THE BALLOON.
IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS.
HE BROKE FREE AND WAS SPOTTED OVER WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK.
I'M GOING TO THE ROOF.
I CAN'T. I GOT TO GO.
AN 80-FOOT INFLATABLE DOG LOOSE OVER THE CITY?
HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN?
ALMOST NEVER.
GOT THE KEYS?
OKAY.
ANYTIME YOU'RE READY.
OKAY.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
OKAY, WHERE AM I TALKING TO HERE?
I MEAN, THERE IS ONE WAY THAT SEEMS TO OFFER
A CERTAIN ACOUSTICAL ADVANTAGE, BUT...
JUST AIM FOR THE BUMP.
OKAY.
OKAY.
OKAY, HERE GOES.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T DO THIS.
THIS IS...
IT'S TOO WEIRD.
I FEEL STUPID.
SO DON'T DO IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT JUST BECAUSE SUSAN DOES IT.
HELLO, BABY.
I LOVED THE GIANT DOG SHADOW OVER THE PARK.
DID THEY HAVE TO SHOOT HIM DOWN?
THAT WAS JUST MEAN.
RIGHT ABOUT NOW, THE TURKEY SHOULD BE CRISPY ON THE OUTSIDE
JUICY ON THE INSIDE.
WHY ARE WE STANDING HERE?
WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU TO OPEN THE DOOR.
YOU'VE GOT THE KEYS.
NO, I DON'T.
YES, YOU DO.
WHEN WE LEFT, YOU SAID, "GOT THE KEYS."
NO, I ASKED, "GOT THE KE-EYS?"
NO, NO, NO, YOU SAID, "GOT THE KE-EYS."
EITHER OF YOU HAVE THE KE-EYS?
THE OVEN IS ON.
I'VE GOT TO GET MY TICKET.
WE HAVE A COPY OF YOUR KEY.
GET IT!
THAT TONE WON'T MAKE ME GO ANY FASTER.
JOEY...
THAT ONE WILL.
AND EVERYONE'S TELLING ME, "YOU'VE GOT TO PICK A MAJOR."
"YOU'VE GOT TO PICK A MAJOR."
SO, ON A DARE, I PICKED PALEONTOLOGY.
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SAYING
BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT, YOU'RE A FETUS.
YOU'RE JUST HAPPY YOU DON'T HAVE GILLS ANYMORE.
LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO IT.
YOU CAN SING TO IT.
I AM NOT SINGING TO YOUR STOMACH.
HOW'S IT GOING?
♪ HERE WE COME ♪
♪ WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ GET THE FUNNIEST LOOKS FROM EVERYONE WE MEET ♪
♪ HEY, HEY... ♪
HEY, UH, DID YOU JUST FEEL THAT?
I DID.
DOES IT ALWAYS..?
THAT WAS THE FIRST.
KEEP SINGING.
♪ HEY, HEY, YOU'RE MY BABY ♪
♪ AND I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU ♪
♪ WHEN YOU COME OUT I'LL BUY YOU A BAGEL ♪
♪ AND THEN WE'LL GO TO THE ZOO ♪
I FELT IT.
♪ HEY, HEY, I'M YOUR DADDY ♪
♪ I'M THE ONE WITHOUT ANY *** ♪
CAN YOU GO ANY FASTER WITH THAT?
I GOT ONE KEY HOLE AND A ZILLION KEYS.
YOU DO THE MATH.
WHY DO YOU GUYS HAVE SO MANY KEYS IN THERE ANYWAY?
FOR AN EMERGENCY JUST LIKE THIS.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, SMIRKY, IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
AND YOUR STUPID BALLOON, I WOULD BE ON A PLANE
WATCHING A WOMAN DO THIS RIGHT NOW
BUT I'M NOT.
I SWEAR YOU SAID YOU HAD THE KEYS.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT UNLESS I HAD THE KEYS.
AND I DID NOT HAVE THE KEYS!
ENOUGH WITH THE KEYS.
NO ONE SAY "KEYS."
WHY WOULD I HAVE THE KEYS?
ASIDE FROM YOUR SAYING YOU HAD THEM?
BUT I DIDN'T.
YOU SHOULD HAVE.
BECAUSE.
ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT I'M MAKING
THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR EVERYONE?
EVERYONE WANTS A DIFFERENT KIND OF POTATO.
SO I'M MAKING
DIFFERENT KINDS OF POTATOES.
DOES ANYBODY CARE WHAT KIND OF POTATOES I WANT?
NO! NO! NO!
JUST AS LONG AS PHOEBE
GETS HER PEAS AND ONIONS
AND MARIO GETS HIS TOTS.
IT'S MY FIRST THANKSGIVING
AND IT'S ALL BURNED AND...
( high pitched ): AND I...
OKAY, MONICA, ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR YOU NOW.
THE DOOR'S OPEN.
OH, GOD.
WELL, THE TURKEY'S BURNT.
POTATOES ARE RUINED.
POTATOES ARE RUINED.
POTATOES ARE RUINED.
♪ HERE WE COME ♪
♪ WALKIN' DOWN THE... ♪
THIS DOESN'T SMELL LIKE MOM'S.
NO, IT DOESN'T, DOES IT?
BUT YOU WANTED LUMPS, ROSS?
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
YOU GOT ONE.
GOD, THIS IS GREAT.
THE PLANE IS GONE
I GUESS I'M STUCK HERE WITH YOU GUYS.
WE ALL HAD BETTER PLANS.
THIS WAS NOBODY'S FIRST CHOICE.
OH, REALLY?
SO WHY WAS I BUSTING MY *** TO MAKE THIS DELICIOUS DINNER?
YOU CALL THAT DELICIOUS?
( all shouting )
STOP IT! STOP IT!
NOW, THIS FEELS LIKE THANKSGIVING.
EW!
WHAT?
UGLY NAKED GUY'S TAKING HIS TURKEY
OUT OF THE OVEN.
( all groan )
OH, MY GOD.
HE'S NOT ALONE.
UGLY NAKED GUY
IS HAVING
THANKSGIVING DINNER
WITH UGLY NAKED GAL.
I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS.
( all gasping )
ALL RIGHT, UGLY NAKED GUY!
UGLY NAKED DANCING.
AW!
IT'S NICE THAT HE HAS SOMEONE.
SHALL I CARVE?
BY ALL MEANS.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. WHO WANTS LIGHT CHEESE?
AND WHO WANTS DARK CHEESE?
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT THE DARK CHEESE.
ANYBODY WANT TO SPLIT THIS?
OH. I WILL.
MAKE A WISH.
MAKE A WISH?
COME ON. YOU KNOW-- THANKSGIVING.
OOH! YOU GOT THE BIGGER HALF.
WHAT'D YOU WISH?
FOR THE BIGGER HALF.
ALL RIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.
LITTLE TOAST HERE.
I KNOW THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
THE THANKSGIVING THAT ALL OF YOU PLANNED.
BUT FOR ME, THIS HAS BEEN REALLY GREAT. YOU KNOW?
I THINK BECAUSE IT DIDN'T INVOLVE DIVORCE
OR PROJECTILE VOMITING.
ANYWAY, I WAS JUST THINKING, IF YOU HAD GONE TO VAIL
OR IF YOU GUYS HAD BEEN WITH YOUR FAMILY
OR IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE SYPHILIS AND STUFF
WE WOULDN'T BE ALL TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?
SO I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
THAT, UH, I'M VERY THANKFUL
THAT ALL OF YOUR THANKSGIVINGS SUCKED.
All: THAT'S SO SWEET. THANK YOU.
AND HEY...
HERE'S TO A LOUSY CHRISTMAS.
AND A CRAPPY NEW YEAR.
HERE. HERE.
[Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]