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[ Crash ]
♪♪ [ Rock ]
♪ Asked that girl what she wanted to be ♪
♪ And she said Baby, can't you see ♪
♪ I want to be famous a star of the screen ♪
♪ But you can do something in between ♪
♪ Baby, you can drive my car ♪
♪ Yes, I'm gonna be a star ♪
♪ Baby, you can drive my car ♪
♪ And maybe I'll love you ♪
♪ I told that girl that my prospects were good ♪
♪ And she said Baby, it's understood ♪
♪ Working for peanuts is all very fine ♪
♪ But I can show you a better time ♪
♪ Baby, you can drive my car ♪
♪ Yes, I'm gonna be a star ♪
♪ Baby, you can drive my car ♪
♪ And maybe I'll love you ♪
♪ Beep, beep Beep, beep, yeah ♪
♪ Beep, beep Beep, beep, yeah ♪
♪ Beep, beep Beep, beep, yeah ♪♪
[ Metal Scraping ]
[ Cackling ]
[ Cackling Continues ]
[ Cackling Continues ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Panting ]
[ Growling ]
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Man ] Remember, the driver must always see the big picture.
[ Man Continuing ] When driving through puddles or in heavy rain,
your tires may begin to hydroplane,
actually ride on the water rather than the pavement.
If this happens to you, don't panic,
and especially, don't jam on your brakes.
In this actual scientific demonstration,
we see that in as little as a quarter inch of water,
your tires may lose contact with the surface completely.
[ Laughing ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Bell Ringing ]
Does your brother have mono or something?
No. [ Chuckles ]
He's just brain dead.
Mr. Anderson,
it's punks like you the paramedics end up...
scraping off the road at 4:00 in the morning.
For your sake, and the safety of others,
I hope you fail your driving exam.
[ Car Starting ]
Wait up! Wait up! My bus!
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Tires Screech ]
You know, Dean, I can't help wondering--
is it ever gonna get that good for me?
[ Sighs ] Anderson, the only difference between you and that grease ball...
is that he has a license and you don't.
[ Tires Screeching ]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Scumbag!
Get on. I'll drive you home.
No way, man. Look, I have a driver's exam to take Saturday.
Les,
your license is just as important to me as it is to you.
I'll take it easy.
Trust me.
Whoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!
Watch out! Watch out!
Dean! Dean!
[ Gasps, Groans ]
Aaah, Dean!
- [ Tires Screeching ] - Whoa! Whoa!
[ Cackling ]
Whoo! Ha-hah!
[ Dean Cackling ]
[ Grunts ]
Front door service.
Wow!
It's my grandfather's.
Sixteen years old, man. It only has 20,000 miles on it.
Wow. What's it doing here?
Well, my granddad's afraid to take it on long trips,
so he borrowed my dad's car for a week.
Do you know this boat would kick *** up at Archie's?
Do you think there's any chance we could get it Saturday night?
No way.
I'm just cleaning out the garage here,
makin' some room for the old boat.
Yeah, Deano.
I'd love to, Mr. Anderson, but I just remembered--
[ Coughing ]
I'm allergic to, uh, dust and cardboard boxes.
[ Coughing ] Uh, I got to go. See you tonight, Les.
Take care of that cough, Dean.
Oh, yeah. [ Coughing ]
Dad, do you think that there's any way you could tell me for sure...
Here's the deal, Les.
First, get your license. Then we'll talk.
[ Mr. Anderson ] Broccoli? Yes. You want broccoli.
All right. What nice happened to who today?
[ Chattering ]
[ Chattering Stops ]
For your information, this is exactly what I ate when I was pregnant with all of you.
[ Les ] Dad.
Did you, um, look at the brochure I gave you?
What'd you think?
Well, a $23,000 B.M.W....
for a 16-year-old kid who's never had a job a day in his life?
I think it's a great idea.
Look, Dad, the car wouldn't only be for me.
I mean, she can use it too.
Don't include me in your obsession.
Les, isn't it premature to be talking about getting a car?
You just finished your Driver's Ed. course two hours ago.
Karl says that in America people are misled to believe...
that a car represents freedom and individuality.
- Right. - When in essence, it is more oppressive...
than anything else.
Burdening the individual with such materialistic costs--
Wait. Who cares what your *** boyfriend thinks?
I say it's great to be an American.
Yes.
This is the most oppressive environment a child could be raised in.
Natalie, one day soon, it will all be over.
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Honking Continues ]
Hey, buddy.
[ Murmurs ]
Sorry.
[ Dean ] Come on!
Yo, Les, let's go!
Les, come on, dude. Let's get out of here.
Les!
Get down here, Les!
Out!
All right. I'll see you later.
♪ Sweet, sweet surrender ♪
What are you doing?
Just duck down. Duck down.
Mom-- Mom! No! Don't stop here.
Is something wrong with the car, Dean?
No, it's not the car. It's you. You're driving.
All right.
[ Dean ] Thanks, Mom. Drive safely.
Hey, dweebs! Does mommy hold your dicks when you ***?
[ Laughing ]
Sorry, Mom. I didn't introduce you.
Oh.
Okay. Good night.
♪ When your eyes meet mine ♪
♪ You reach way down inside ♪
Thanks, Mom.
- Good night, honey. - Ignore him.
Be careful.
Hey-- Hey, guys. Where you goin'?
Guys. Hey, guys, it's me, Charles.
[ Chattering ]
Oh, baby.
Hey, do you ever wonder what kind of car...
some of these babes would lose their virginity in?
[ Sighs ] You never cease to amaze me, Deano.
No, seriously. Okay. Look at Cheryl Lieberman, for instance.
[ Charles ] A V.W. convertible.
Cheryl Lieberman? A Trans Am.
Okay. Beth Maclaine.
[ Les ] A Volvo. No, wait. Wait. Wait. A station wagon.
[ Chuckling ]
Okay. I got one for you. Bonnie Dupa.
[ Charles ] A garbage truck.
Mercedes. Mercedes Lane.
I've bumped into her a million times. She's never bumped into me once.
No, listen. You don't own me.
Women have rights in this country.
Not like Kuwait or Pakistan where they worship their men.
Mercedes, it has nothing to do with worship.
It has to do with going to parties with kids.
I happen to go to school with these kids. I have friends here.
Friends, yes. Friends, okay. But this-- this is children.
They can do nothing for you.
Mercedes, I'm beginning to, uh--
uh, perspire.
Now, you know that I hate to perspire. Now, let us go, ah?
I think that I can find my own way home.
Don't do this, Mercedes!
And, Paolo, if you're wondering about Saturday night,
I just remembered, I already have a date.
You have a date? With who?
- With him. - With me?
Didn't we make arrangements?
Yeah. I, um-- I believe so.
But nothing... was final.
Well, now they're final.
Ciao.
Hey! Watch it!
Thanks.
I can't believe Brian dropped the ball.
Les, I have the answer. Why don't you just ask her to make sure?
Look, I'd love to, Charles, but I can't talk to something I can't see, right?
I mean, come on, guys. Last night was the closest any of us have ever been to her.
Well, you're in luck, lover boy, 'cause she's sitting down right over there.
Wait. Wait. Dean, I can't do it, man.
Go on. Ask her. If you're lucky, she'll bite.
[ Cackling ]
[ Dean ] Go for it!
[ Horn Honking ]
Les. Les.
Les?
Les, it's me, Papa.
[ Horn Honking ]
Where you going? Les?
Les, what's the matter? Is there something wrong with having a father these days?
Dad, wh-what are you doing here?
I had to run some errands for your mom after work,
and I thought I'd stop by and take you driving.
I figure if you can handle this cruiser, you can handle anything.
What about Grandpa?
What about Grandpa? Who knows what he's doing with my car?
Yeah.
Nice call.
That was a good one.
[ Mr. Anderson ] Why don't we make a right turn right here?
Dad, I have to ask you for a favor, and you can say no.
But I will never, ever ask you for another favor as long as I live.
Les, you know that's a lie.
Okay. You see that girl over there walking? Dad!
That is the girl of my dreams.
Dad!
Dad, ssh. Look.
Yeah?
Okay? Now, if I drove by her with you in the car with me--
No offense. It just-- just wouldn't work. You understand.
Les, you're asking me to let you drive this car alone, without a license.
Dad, I'm just gonna go up to her and circle around,
and maybe at the least say hello to her and come right back to you.
Two minutes. I'll be careful, Dad.
Thanks.
I will. I promise. I will.
Thanks, Dad.
♪ Gets me gettin' in the mood ♪
Yeah?
♪ Boy, I'll give you anything ♪♪
Mercedes!
Mercedes? Les Anderson-- from the party last night.
Oh. Oh, hi.
I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you.
Hop in. I'll give you a lift.
Hold on!
After you, madame.
[ Sighs ] Okay. So, which house is yours?
Okay.
But... I'm not going home.
Where you going?
To a friend's house, in Cedarwood.
You don't mind, do you?
Not at all.
Les?
Les? Les!
Les!
Les!
Wait. Wait.
M-Mercedes. Mercedes. Last night, at the party--
Well, you kind of mentioned something about, um,
me and you maybe going out Saturday night.
Anyway, I-I was just, um, wondering if it was still on.
Wait. Wait.
L-Let me give you my number in case something comes up.
Great.
Thanks a lot for the ride, Les.
Yeah. No, um, problem.
[ Growls ]
How could you do it, Les? What were you thinking about?
I don't believe it. I mean, not only did you break your explicit promise to me,
but you used up your last favor.
I suppose you know where this leaves you, don't you?
That's right.
Look, Dad, just let me explain it to you, okay?
Look, she told me that she lived three houses down. I thought I was taking her home.
Why didn't you just tell her the truth?
Tell Mercedes Lane the truth?
Yes.
And risk her having a heart attack from laughing so hard at me?
Look, Dad, please--
please just put yourself in my shoes.
Look, you're upsetting your mother.
She's pregnant, you know?
[ Dean ] Do you understand what happens...
if you get caught driving without a license?
They make you wait two years before you can take the test again.
That's 24 months. That's an awful lot of bus rides.
Relax, Deano. Look, I didn't get caught. And you know what?
You would have done the exact same thing that I did.
Now, did you guys come over here to ask me some questions, or what?
Ah. Here's one.
"How can you identify a blind pedestrian...
to whom you must yield the right of way?"
This is a complete waste of time!
I mean, it's not like you just moved here from Bedrock or something.
You've been a passenger in a car all your life.
A-And what is this ***?
♪♪ [ Classical Continues ]
Natalie! Hey, Natalie.
I was wondering. If you're driving 55 miles per hour,
and you collide with a runaway train, would it make any improvement on your face?
[ Cackling, Belches ]
Good luck on your exam tomorrow, Einstein.
Good afternoon, children.
In the next 20 minutes, you will be given 30 questions.
Anything over five mistakes will be considered a failing grade.
We'll begin at the sound of the bell.
Begin.
[ Female Voice ] Welcome to the Department of Motor Vehicle's Driver's Test.
Hah!
Question one: What should you do if you miss your exit from an expressway?
"A"-- Jam on the brakes and back up.
"B"-- Make a quick U-turn.
"C"-- Go on to the next one.
Hah!
Question two: Which is usually the smoothest lane of traffic?
Why don't they just give licenses away?
[ Buzzing ]
What?
[ Female Voice ] Question three:
You must look for bicycle riders in the same lanes used by motor vehicles...
because they-- "A"-- Must ride facing oncoming traffic.
"B"-- Are entitled to share the road with you.
"C"-- Always have the right of way.
[ Buzzing ]
When driving through fog or rain, it is advisable--
[ Female Voice Continuing, Overlapping ]
[ Buzzing ]
Finished.
[ Female Voice ] Question 26:
At 55 miles per hour, you come upon a large puddle of water.
Do you "A"-- Pump the brakes.
"B"-- Gently ease your foot off the gas pedal.
"C"-- Accelerate.
[ Buzzing ]
- Damn! - [ Electrical Surge ]
[ Woman ] I lost my screen.
[ Woman ] How about the test?
Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson.
Mr. Anderson. Oh, Mr. Anderson.
I can?
Uh-huh. Due to a computer malfunction,
we are unable to search the system's memory for your test results.
However, since your sister received a perfect score,
we are going to pass you and allow you to take your road test.
I mean, how different can you and your twin sister actually be?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Woman ] Wait a minute. Stand back, children.
Don't crowd me. I'm a living time bomb.
Hi.
Last name first. First name last.
Anderson. Les Anderson.
Buckle up, son! It's the real world out here.
Now, Anderson,
I want you to take a long, hard look at this cup of coffee.
Now, I love my coffee. It's probably the one thing I truly do cherish...
on this godforsaken mud ball called Earth.
What I'm trying to say is that most examiners use a clipboard.
[ Chuckles ] I don't believe in 'em.
What I do believe in is my cup of coffee.
Now, that coffee is hot, filled right to the brim.
If it spilled on me, it'd probably burn me, huh? Speak up, son!
Nobody likes to get burned, do they?
So, it's real simple.
You burn me, you fail.
You don't, you pass. It's as simple as that.
[ Engine Starting ]
All right, Anderson. Let's start off with some light traffic.
[ Siren Blaring ]
Now I want you to get over in that lane.
Now.
[ Man ] Very good, Natalie.
Now, why don't you head up to the left here.
Let's see how you handle this hill.
Very good.
Anderson, let's pull to a stop right here.
Here?
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Man ] What the heck's wrong with him?
Every time I come up this road, some idiot kid--
- Come on, you little moron! - What are you waiting for, son, Christmas?
I'll have a stroke before you get that thing movin'!
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, Natalie, I'd like you to stop right next to this car here.
Good.
Now, why don't you parallel park right here.
Very, very, very good.
Okay, Anderson, I want you to make a parallel park right in here.
What, am I speaking Greek? In here.
[ Les Groaning ]
Hah!
[ Shutter Clicks ]
Congratulations. Here's your license.
Thanks.
Lousy.
[ Tires Screeching ]
Slow down!
You're in luck, Anderson.
The cup... was empty.
[ Chuckling ]
See you on the battlefield sometime, soldier.
[ Shutter Clicks ]
Congratulations. Here's your license.
And, please, drive safely.
Uh, Mr. Anderson. Just a minute.
[ Woman ] Next, please.
Well, Mr. Anderson,
we were able to retrieve your test results from the computer.
And I suppose you already know you failed.
God giveth,
and the D.M.V. taketh away.
You mustn't *** with the Department of Motor Vehicles, Mr. Anderson.
We can make your life a living hell.
[ Gasps ]
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Mr. Anderson ] Hi, we're home.
Where is everybody?
Yeah.
Yeah, in here. In here. Shh.
Mom. Dad. Hi.
[ Mr. Anderson ] Yeah. Hi, sport. What's the good word?
[ Sighs ] Um,
I have to, um, tell you guys something.
Oh, no. You put a dent in the car already? Huh?
What is it, honey?
[ Sighs ] Um--
[ Mr. Anderson ] What?
Oh. Hmm?
I'm a free man!
Wow! Yea!
Congratulations, son.
No, not at all, Dad.
Oh, yeah? That's great.
Look, I filled your mom's car up with some gas...
Oh, how sweet.
Well, Dad, um, I was kind of thinking about maybe going to my room and taking a little nap.
Honey, what is wrong with you?
Mom, come on. What could be wrong with me?
U-Uh, this is the greatest day of my life.
I know. So why don't you want to take advantage of your father's senility...
and take my car out for a little spin?
Go ahead.
I don't know if you guys, um, r-remember or not,
but 16 years of waiting and, uh, a-and dreaming is a lot of pressure.
And I'm not sure that, um, being behind, uh, the wheel of a car...
is the right place for me to be right now.
[ Ringing ]
- Hello? - [ Crowd Cheering ]
Did you hear that? You did it, man. How does it feel?
Dean, baby! Hey, what's goin' on?
Uh, hold on a second. I'm looking for my car keys. Hah!
Found 'em, right here next to my Triple "A" card.
Great. Now come over and pick us up.
Of course you can.
You can do anything, Les. You have a license.
What? Uh, see that, Dean? My mom's calling me.
Look, they're already asking me to run errands. I have to go, okay? Good-bye.
♪♪ [ Humming ]
"Test failed"?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Robert!
♪ Trouble, trouble ♪
All right, Mercedes! Ha-hah! Yeah!
Well, you know. Lower it. Lower it. It's ringing. Lower it. Come here.
[ Ringing ]
- Hello? - Rudy! Mom's got brownies in the kitchen. Go! Hurry!
Dad, what do you need?
Les, my boy, we're drinking a toast to you.
[ Mercedes ] Hello? Hello? Hello?
Dad, you know, that's really thoughtful of you, but, you know,
I shouldn't be, uh, drinking and driving, right?
I know that, Les. I know that. Have a drink.
You just saved me $26,000.
First, raise your glass.
To saving me 26,000 "buckaroonies."
How'd I do that, Dad?
Simple. 23,000 for the B.M.W., 3,000 for the insurance.
No?
Get it?
- [ Together ] He failed? - He failed and he lied.
[ Sighs ] Look, Dad,
I just figured that I could get through the weekend and then take it over Monday, you know?
I know what you figured.
Listen. You're grounded for two weeks.
It feels like it.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Good evening, Mrs. Anderson.
She'll be down in a second.
Fine, fine. Fine, thank you.
I admire you. I really admire you...
for having the courage to bring a child into this oppressive world.
Natalie!
Hmm.
Natasha, we're going to a protest.
[ Sighs ] Do we have to take your mother's imperialist gas guzzler?
Would you rather take my grandfather's Cadillac?
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
Mmm.
[ Ringing ]
- Hello? - Hi. Is Les in, please?
- Yeah, this is Les. - Hi. This is Mercedes.
Do you remember me?
[ Gasps ] Remember you? Yeah, of course. Hi. How are you?
Actually, I'm a little lonely.
I thought that we had a date tonight, and I figured I'd call you since you hadn't called me.
Oh, um-- Ye-- Well, I-I-- I was out all day.
I was, um, uh, deep-sea fishing.
So, you haven't changed your mind about tonight, have you?
Tonight? Now?
Great.
So, you can pick me up in 20 minutes?
Hang on.
[ Snoring ]
[ Sighs ]
An innocent girl.
A harmless drive. [ Chuckles ]
What could possibly go wrong?
Mercedes,
I'll be there in a half an hour.
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
Oh, man!
No. No. No!
No! No, not the bush!
[ Snoring ]
God!
[ Glass Shatters ]
[ Snoring Continues ]
[ Engine Starts ]
[ Gasps ] Oh.
Ow. Ow!
Oh.
Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm.
Don't worry, Robert. It was nothin'.
Mmm. That's nice.
[ Rings ]
Let's go.
♪ Can you spell trouble ♪
♪ Trouble ♪
♪ I try to please you but I'm wasting my time ♪
♪ You're nothin' but trouble ♪
♪ Trouble Trouble, baby ♪
[ Chatter On Radio ]
Take good care of my car, pal.
Yes, sir. [ Chuckles ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Knocking ]
- Come on, man. Open up. Let's go. - Open the door, Les.
- Come on, man. I don't have all night. - D-Did you see that?
I-If I let him park my car, he's gonna ruin my transmission. No way!
Hey! What about my tip?
[ Les ] Here we are.
Wait. We can't park here. It's a tow-away zone.
On a Saturday night? Les! You're acting like it's the first time you've ever driven.
♪♪ [ Rock, Indistinct ]
Hi.
I'm with her.
[ Scoffs ] You wouldn't be with her if she was your Siamese twin.
Mercedes!
♪♪ [ Rock Continues, Indistinct ]
Hi!
Hi.
Damn it!
Paolo?
Mercedes. What a lovely surprise it is to see you.
By the way, this is Veronique.
She's going to be moving in with me.
Is this the one you told me about?
Mmm. Would you like a drink? Paulie, give her a drink.
Nothing.
[ Woman ] Hey! hey!
Mercedes! Hey, hey. Are you okay?
- [ Car Engine Revving ] - Oh, my God!
My car!
No! Jesus!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold up!
Get off my truck, boy!
Look, mister, you can't do this to my car!
Boy, I've driven with deer, antelope, even bears strapped to that bumper.
Ain't no 65-pound sack of fly *** like you gonna shake me a hell of difference!
Look, I-I'll pay you. I'll give you everything I got.
Aaah! [ Grunts ]
Just how much you talkin' about?
[ Cackling ]
For 80 bucks?
[ Cackling Continues ]
Eighty bucks!
Would you like some champagne? It might help.
No, thanks. I already had some tonight.
I'm really sorry about the car.
I feel like it was all my fault.
Oh, don't be silly. I should have given the car to the valet in the first place.
I'm sorry about your friend.
Oh, he was a jerk anyways. I don't know why I even hung around him.
And go where?
I mean, with the amount of money I have in my pocket, we have two choices.
We can either sit in front of a parking meter for 20 minutes...
or go buy ourselves a newspaper.
Let me tell you. I know a quiet spot with plenty of free parking.
[ Branches Scraping ]
Are you sure there's a road here?
God.
Hey, it's amazing up here. How'd you ever find this place?
Someone I know used to take me here.
Not a boyfriend.
My father used to take me here to--
to show me how beautiful the world could be...
if you could step away and see it at a distance.
[ Sighs ] I haven't been here in a long time.
No. No, no, no. Uh, uh, not on the car!
I-I mean, I-I'll get you a blanket.
You sure come prepared.
Les?
Yes?
I'm sorry I dragged you into all this.
I don't usually act like this.
No, it's okay. I don't mind.
Here you go.
I'm really glad I called you tonight.
Yeah? I'm, uh-- I'm really glad too.
All we're missing now is some soft, romantic music.
Hold on!
♪ Oh-- ♪
♪♪ [ Garbled ]
Oh, man.
Oh, great. Grandpa's top 10.
[ Sighs ]
Ugh!
Wait. A-Aren't you drinking rather heavily?
♪ Strangers in the night ♪
Do you want to dance?
♪ Wondering in the night ♪
Right up here. You couldn't pray for a more romantic setting.
- [ Screeching ] - Yeah, I guess so.
♪ Something in your eyes ♪
♪ Was so inviting ♪
♪ Something in your smile ♪
♪ Was so exciting ♪
Maybe I should take my shoes off.
Yeah. Good idea.
♪ Strangers in the night ♪
♪ Two lonely people ♪
♪ We were strangers in the night ♪
♪ Up to the moment when ♪
♪ We said our first hello ♪
♪ Little did we know ♪
♪ Love was just a glance away ♪
♪ A warm, embracing dance away ♪
[ Car Hood Creaking ]
Get up! Ge-Get off! Get off the car!
The hood! It's caving in. Get off, quick!
But, Les, I love this song.
Yeah? Well, then you've definitely had too much to drink. Come on. Get off.
Oh, wow. Stay here.
[ Laughing ]
Oh!
Bye.
Slide over.
Mercedes, please.
Mmm. You have such baby-soft skin.
Yeah.
♪ Ever since that night ♪
♪ We've been together ♪
♪ Lovers at first sight ♪
♪ In love forever ♪♪
Don't worry about the noise, man. My parents are vampires.
And I'll tell you somethin'. You have balls.
You definitely have balls for snaggin' this car.
I'm impressed.
All right, Les. Let's see the license.
No way! Forget it, guys. It's ugly.
Of course it is. Big deal.
No way!
Forget it.
- Don't you think he should let me take a picture of it? - Charles. Okay.
- All right. Say "cheese." - Cheese.
Great.
Well, take a look, Les. What do you think?
Thanks.
I mean, this is spectacular.
You saved me, man. Thanks.
So, I guess we can, uh, go to Archie's now?
Look, Deano, pal. I promise you.
Next weekend, yeah. Fine. We can go to Archie's. But not tonight.
Look, Mercedes doesn't have to be home for a couple of hours.
Les, let me explain something to you here.
Unless you're into some intense, *** ***-- and you never know after tonight--
this Mercedes has a dead battery.
Les, we're talking about Archie's Atomic here, Les.
You can't get there without a license. It's in the middle of nowhere.
No buses. No trains. No planes. Only the slickest, most intense driving machines...
you've ever seen in your life.
I have the directions my brother gave me in my back pocket.
[ Dean ] You won't regret this. There's five girls for every guy.
And we're not talking dogs, we're talking bunnies.
Yes, I wiped the concrete off.
Hey, Charles. Push in the lighter. I got a surprise for everybody.
No way, man! Not in here. Uh-uh.
What's the matter with you, Les? This is a car. It's not an oxygen tent.
Look, Dean, if there's any evidence at all that I took this car tonight,
my dad's gonna slaughter me first and ask questions later, okay?
Stop it!
[ Horns Honking ]
[ Dean ] Hey, Les, this is great and all,
but could you take the car out of neutral?
We just got passed by a street sweeper.
[ Honking ]
Hey, girls. Whose car you driving, Grandma's?
Yeah. Mess with them faggots, man.
Wait, get that--
[ Engine Revving ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Dean ] Les! What's the matter with you?
Are you 16 or 60?
You could have given those gearheads a run for their money.
Look, Dean, this is my grandfather's car. I tell you what.
Give me a car that I'm not genetically related to, I promise things will change.
Wha-- Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. I'm coming. Do your breathing.
[ Breathing In Rapidly ]
Is it hot in here?
Is it hot or is it just me?
It's like a sauna in here.
Want me to go to the garage and turn on the air-conditioning?
No, that's okay. I like to just sit here and sweat.
I'll go down and turn on the air-conditioning.
[ Groaning ]
[ Groans ]
Hey, Robert? Robert!
- Yes? - I'm not hot anymore. I'm hungry.
Okay, honey.
[ Groans ]
[ Horns Honking ]
♪ Saturday ni-- [ Garbles ] is the loneliest night ♪
♪ Of the week ♪
♪ 'Cause that's the night That my sweetie and I ♪
♪ Used to dance cheek to cheek ♪
♪ I don't mind Sunday night at all ♪
♪ 'Cause that's the night friends come to call ♪
♪ And Monday through Friday's a gas ♪
♪ And another week goes past ♪
♪ But Saturday night is the loneliest night of the weak ♪
♪ I sing the song that I sang for the memories ♪♪
- You ***! Do up her shirt! - No way, Les. Forget about it.
I mean, look at us. We're three wild animals bombing down the highway...
with the cruise control set at 55 miles per hour.
I don't need a ticket on my first night out! *** it! Stop that!
And-And what is this crap we're listening to? My parents don't even listen to this stuff.
[ Tires Squealing ]
- That's enough. Dean, give me that camera. - No!
*** it, Dean. It's not your camera!
Guys!
No!
- Jesus! - Watch out!
- Oh! We're gonna die! - [ Dean ] Oh, man, I told you this was gonna happen!
***!
Les, stop the car!
Uh-oh! [ Screams ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Screams ]
- Get out of the car, quick! - Help!
Help! Help! Get her off of me!
I'm trapped!
[ Groaning ]
Whoooo!
Les, I apologize for everything. That ride was definitely worth the price of admission.
I mean, that makes up for a whole life of boredom.
There's a scratch on my car.
Where?
Right there! Right here. There's a big ol' scratch on my car.
***. My dad's gonna *** me. Look at this!
There is a scratch, Dean!
It's a teeny little scratch. Your dad is not gonna see that scratch.
Your dad's a 40-year-old guy who wears glasses. Not an eagle, okay?
Now, listen to me. We are two seconds away from Archie's.
Will you listen to me?
Two seconds or not two seconds. Watch my lips.
We're not going to Archie's. We're not driving in my grandfather's Cadillac anymore.
We are, in fact, going home. Okay?
You don't look too good.
We better get you a soda.
You have worked really hard for that license in your wallet.
I mean, you have had 16 years of humiliation,
begging for lifts from people who couldn't give a *** about your image.
Les, you've had to stand and watch as all the pretty girls...
drove off in some older jerk's car.
Humiliation. I know. I've been through it.
But that's all over now. Les, that thing in your wallet,
that's no ordinary piece of paper.
That is a driver's license. And it's not only a driver's license,
it's an automobile license.
And it's not only an automobile license,
it is a license to live, a license to be free,
to go-- to go wherever, whenever,
and with whomever you choose.
♪♪ [ Player Piano: "Camptown Ladies" ]
Deano, I don't know.
Les, to live in fear is not to live at all.
What about Mercedes?
I don't think that this is such a good idea, okay?
Of course it's a good idea. In half an hour, there's gonna be babes all over us.
She'll kill it for us.
Wow. Did you ever imagine in all your life...
that you would see a Mercedes fit inside the trunk of a Cadillac?
Look, I feel bad about this.
Feel bad? For her? I mean, this trunk is bigger than the size of my bedroom.
Let's go.
Nighty-night.
♪ Chills over me ♪
♪ Different from the rest I won't settle for less ♪
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Won't take no ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ From now on ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Stood the test of time Still you're on my mind ♪
♪ Always ♪
♪ Night and day ♪
Whoo!
Oh, babe.
[ Chattering ]
[ Dean ] Look at her.
Whoa. Hey, come back here!
♪ Baby, you're the one ♪
♪ Crucial lovin' ♪♪
Hi!
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, guys. Wait up for a second.
Why don't you guys go get some dinner? I'm gonna get dessert.
All right. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
Hi.
[ Chattering ]
♪ Don't wanna be alone ♪
♪ I need to find someone ♪
♪ I can call my own ♪
♪ And not just anyone ♪
Here you go.
Thank you.
Guys, it's all set up. I took care of everything.
They're gonna be here in a few minutes. There's one for each of us.
Dean, I will never doubt you again.
My dreams never get this good.
My fantasies never get this good, man.
Whoo!
Yeah! Let's eat!
Sorry.
- Quick, roll up the windows. - Those *** again.
-Charles, you spasticated idiot! -Dean, it was an accident. Roll up the windows.
Hey, hey, my hamburger. Hey, give me my hamburger.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
- [ Dean ] Roll the window down. - No. Keep it up.
- Roll it down! - No, keep it up!
Hey! Come here!
- Hi! - *** it!
Hey, you can't leave now. What about the girls?
[ All Yelling ]
Archie's! Come back! Come back!
Come back!
[ Woman On TV ] I'm standing outside the gates of Allied Technologies...
where a group of peaceful protestors...
[ Robert Falls, Groans ]
the night transportation of military hardware.
Now, Jim, as you can see, there's a wide range of people here,
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't think this is such a good idea. Can we go home?
Look, Dean, we're going home. And if you don't like it, you can jump out right here.
Wherever the hell we are.
Hey. That looks like my mom's Audi.
Holy ***!
I think we're being invaded!
Here they come!
Will you come on?
Hey. No, no, no. Not on my car. What are you doing?
My car! My car!
Hey. I know that guy. He looks like my sister's boyfriend.
Les?
- ***! My sister! Duck! - What are you doing?
Natalie, don't tell Dad, please. I beg. I'll do anything.
- You don't even have a license! - Natalie, don't tell Dad!
[ Man On Megaphone ] Let's round these people up.
Cuff 'em, and put 'em in the wagon.
Excuse me.
***.
As you can see behind me, what started as a peaceful protest...
has now mushroomed into a substantial demonstration.
It seems that tempers flared when executives from Allied Technologies...
refused to speak to rep--
[ Charles ] Jesus, what the hell was going on back there?
I don't know, man, but, Les, this Caddie sure can take a beating.
[ Les ] Yeah, well, not half the beating you're gonna get unless you clam up, Dean.
Oh, this is great. This is real classic.
Yeah, no ***.
Don't sweat it. Think of your license as a credit card.
Sooner or later, you got to break it in.
Pull over to the curb. Right over there.
And besides, Les, what are you worried about?
We're sober. They're here to catch drunks, like that ***.
Uh, have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?
Take it easy. [ Chuckles ]
License and registration.
License and registration, son.
Um, sir, I forgot my license at home.
But, um, I could give you this.
[ Cop Sighs ]
All right. Sit tight.
Why didn't you show him your license?
What was that thing you flashed in front of us at the house?
My school I.D.
Are you telling us that you left the house...
on your first night out with a license without a license?
No, Dean, I'm not telling you that. I--
Look, guys,
I failed my exam.
You what?
This punk doesn't even have a license.
All right, sir. What I'd like you to do is,
I'd like you to try to walk this line here, all right?
McClosky, come here.
You just keep walking, all right? I'll be right back.
We may have to call a wagon to pick this guy up.
Hey, this is gonna go on our records.
We're gonna be locked up in a cell with men...
who've murdered and *** and robbed convenience stores.
Will you take a pill or something? Will you just relax?
Nothing's gonna happen to us. We're juveniles.
Nice call, Dean.
All right, Anderson, let's have a look inside the trunk.
Come on. I ain't got all night.
Come on. Come on.
Hi! How you doin'?
What the hell is this?
My date?
[ Siren Wailing ]
We gotta roll. There's a riot going on at Allied Tech.
You just got lucky, pal.
Let's go.
Yes! Perfect! Yes!
See, Les, what'd I tell you? Piece of cake!
Hey, Deano, shut up, huh? Help me with her.
Do something useful in life, would ya?
Is this it? Oh. It looks like a line. Oh, yeah.
Oh, a Maserati! Oh, this is much nicer than mine.
Keys?
This chick is no paperweight. So where's our next stop?
There are no stops, Dean. We're going home.
[ Tires Squeal ]
Oh, I'm dead.
I'm so dead, they're gonna have to bury me twice.
Let's go.
Looks like I'm in for the night.
♪ I said, that's life ♪
Yeah, well, he took our car. We're gonna take his.
Here I come. What a waste.
Now I'm swingin'!
Go! Go!
[ Singing Along ] ♪ I've been a puppet a pauper, a pirate ♪
♪ A poet A pawn and a king ♪
♪ I've been up and down and over and out ♪
Where the hell am I?
I see him. I see him.
Whoa!
♪ I pick myself up ♪
- ♪ And get back in ♪ - Where the hell is this guy going?
Yeah! Go, Sammy!
♪ I tell you I can't deny it ♪
Don't worry about it.
I can fix that. It's only the right side.
♪ Each time I find myself ♪
- ♪ Layin' flat on my face ♪ - [ Screaming ]
[ Singing Along ] ♪ I just pick myself up ♪
You gotta! Yes! ♪ And get back in the race ♪
♪ That's life ♪♪
My life's no bed of roses, that's for sure. People are the problem.
People pushing me around!
I don't care what you say. Just get him to pull over.
The man is a drunk lunatic. Don't you think this is a little bit dangerous?
You're telling me about dangerous? You wanna know what's dangerous?
Me going home and having to explain to my father...
that this piece of *** is my grandfather's Cadillac.
Now, Charles, here he is, and you better talk to him.
Excuse me, sir!
Sir, pardon me. Excuse me!
I believe there's been a slight mix-up here.
It seems you've mistakenly driven off with our car.
Thank you. Thank you very much. You're very kind.
What the hell? Come on! Get the juicehead to pull over!
- Sir. - [ Gags, Burps ]
[ Vomits ]
Les, he just vomited in your car.
- Oh. - [ Gurgles ]
***!
Whoa! What airline is this?
Shut up, Deano.
Hey, check it out. Spongehead's actually driving straight.
What'd he do, sober up?
[ Snoring ]
Holy ***! He's out cold.
***!
Charles, you take the gas. Deano, you take the wheel. I'm goin' out there.
No! No, wait a minute! No! No! Wait! Les, it's just a car!
You try telling that to my father.
Hold it steady!
Dean, hold the car steady!
Come on.
Look, keep it straight, would ya?
***.
Stop it! You're losing control.
Stop.
Whoa!
Whoa! I'm gonna fall! Dean! I'm gonna fall!
***! Holy ***!
Mister! Wake up! Would ya?
Come on. Wake up! Please wake up!
Will you get your hand off the ***--
Whoa! Deano, help!
Hi, Les!
Dean! Stop it, Dean!
God, I hate drunk drivers.
What? No! No!
Watch the road. Come on.
Oh, ***!
No! No! [ Straining ]
[ Brakes Screeching ]
[ Horn Blaring ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Blaring Stops ]
[ Car Approaching ]
[ Both Yelling ]
Oh! Oh! You're alive!
Oh, my God! Did you see what you did?
Honey, I'm home!
I don't know.
Hu--
Well, my friend, you're a little thief. Give me those keys.
Yes, yes. But, see, friends don't let friends drive drunk.
You call yourself a friend?
Wait. Look. You were incredible!
You are an animal. I mean, nobody's gonna believe this.
Yeah. Not too bad for a kid without his license, huh?
Les, I got to tell you. License or no license,
that was one intense display of driving.
Yeah. And as far as a first night out on the town with the car is concerned,
that one definitely sets the standard.
Hey. Thank God you don't get your license for a couple of months, buddy.
What are you gonna tell Sleeping Beauty?
Mmm.
Shh.
Yeah. See you around, Les.
Mm.
This is it. [ Laughs ]
This is it.
I'm up! I'm up. I'm up. I'm up.
Okay. Okay. Do your breathing. [ Breathing Rapidly ]
Okay. How far apart are the contractions?
Five minutes? Fine. Plenty of time.
My dream was so bizarre, Les.
It was as if I was trapped in the trunk of a car...
and suddenly the trunk flipped open, and there you were, rescuing me.
Sounds crazy.
Oh, I know it sounds unbelievable,
but somehow you're always there to hold me.
Like you are right now. I felt so safe and...
so warm.
I'm sorry I was such a sleepyhead tonight. You must have been so bored.
Oh, no. Don't be silly. Tonight for me was like, uh, nonstop action.
[ Laughs ] When can we go out again?
Honestly, Mercedes, tonight might be the last night anybody ever sees me alive.
Why? What happened?
It's a long, complicated story. You don't want to hear about it.
Does it have a happy ending?
Mm-hmm. It has so far.
Hopefully, one day, I'll get to tell you how it ends.
I'll be here.
Bye.
The baby?
No. The laces are too tight.
Robert!
[ Laughing ]
Oh, wait. Let me get my jacket. Where's my jacket?
Where's my jacket? Where is it?
It's okay. I'm gonna wait here.
Okay.
You okay?
Good. Yeah, I'm fine.
Wai-- Oh, no.
Okay. Okay. Yeah.
Put your arm on me. Put your arm on me. [ Breathing Rapidly ]
Oh, man. Here we go.
[ Rattling ]
What? What? What?
Oh, gosh. I'm fine. I'm sorry.
What do you mean you're fine?
I think it was air bubbles from the pickle or something.
Gosh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm fine.
Oh, man.
Why is the garage door open?
Oh, Natalie probably left it open.
No, honey. Natalie took the Audi.
[ Muffled ] Ow.
Oh-- [ Grunts ]
Robert!
[ Breathing Rapidly ]
Whoa!
[ Groaning, Breathing ]
What--
[ Whimpering ]
Is something wrong with your bed, Les?
Mind explaining to me...
what size shark was responsible for this?
No!
I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Save it for the judge.
Do you have any idea what you've done tonight, Les?
What this means to your future in this house and on this planet?
- I have an idea. - No, you can't possibly!
You can't even begin to imagine!
We had a college fund set aside for you.
That's gone now.
You had free room and board, two trusting parents and a social life.
It's all gone.
You had a TV, a stereo,
a baseball mitt, a tennis racket,
a skateboard, a bicycle-- all gone!
And you even had sunlight and a window in your room.
- Robert! - Let me tell you something,
buddy boy, you are damn lucky your mother didn't go into labor tonight!
Oh, Robert! I am in labor!
Damn lucky!
What? Honey, you okay?
I don't know.
You don't know? Is it one minute, two minutes? How close?
Too close.
No handle! No handle!
No handle! Okay, honey.
Okay. We'll be in the hospital in a minute.
Oh, Robert. Oh, Robert.
No, honey, I can't. I have to drive.
What? Les who?
Not that Les. No, no. No, he stays here.
Rudy, you drive. Rudy, get in the car!
Dad. Dad. Dad, let me drive.
- I can do it, Dad. - Oh, Robert.
Oh, please stay with me! I need you.
- Dad. - Okay, you drive.
But try and do it like you have a license!
Let me open the door--
[ Rudy ] Eww! It smells like puke in here.
[ Les ] Shut up, Rudy.
Dad, sorry. I-It's a red light.
Are you crazy? There isn't a car in sight.
We're rushing your mother to the hospital, not to a bridge game.
Okay.
What are you doing? Come on!
I'm pushing the gas down. It ain't moving.
Sounds like the transmission. Try another gear.
- Mom? - Don't worry. I'm just having a baby.
[ Transmission Clanks ]
Reverse works, Dad.
Let him drive backwards!
Let him drive sideways! I don't care. Just get me there!
All right. But be careful.
I will.
[ Robert ] The baby?
Oh. Okay.
[ Honks Horn ]
[ Robert ] No! Go right! No! Left! Left! No!
Go right! No!
What are you doing? Get off the sidewalk!
Okay, that's it. I'm driving. Pull over.
- Look out! - Hold it!
What are you doing? Les, you're going the wrong way!
Look out! Where'd you people learn to drive?
Okay. We're good.
♪♪ [ Humming ]
♪♪ [ Continues ] Hmm?
Hmm?
[ Laughs ]
Oh-- Ow! God!
Anderson! Whoa! *** car!
I'm wet!
Better slow it down here, buddy. Hey, stop!
Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Woman in labor!
What the hell's the matter with you?
Woman in labor! Woman in labor!
Come on, honey. Okay. Okay. Keep breathing. Keep breathing.
Come on!
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Rudy, go with Mom. I'll be right there, honey.
Come here. I want to talk to you. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Where'd you learn to drive like that?
Yeah?
Must have been one hell of a crash course.
Look, don't worry about Grandpa. The damage isn't that bad.
We'll get the car fixed. Maybe he won't notice.
[ Man ] It's slipping! Look out! The beam!
- Stand clear! - Oh, ***!
I'm losin' it! Look out!
[ Man ] Anybody in there?
[ Knocking ]
[ Man ] Hello? Hello?
Anybody home?
It's Grandpa.
What are you gonna tell him, Dad?
Well, the truth could kill him, but I guess he's gettin' kind of old, huh?
What's everybody sweating about? He's been away a long time.
- He'll want to come in, relax. - Come on. Damn it. Open up.
He hasn't seen the twins yet. I know my father.
Last thing in the world he's gonna be worried about is his car.
- Hi, Dad. - Where's my Caddie?
Les did it! It was Les! I didn't--
Um--
Son of a ***! What in the hell is that?
It's your car, Grandpa.
It's your car.
[ Laughing ]
W-What is it? What?
Dad, what's-- What's the matter?
Dad, what-- What is it?
Here, I ha--
I had a little trouble with your car too.
- My B.M.W.? - Son of a ***!
- Yo! - [ Laughing ]
Uh, Les, you know how you said when you got your license you wanted a B.M.W.?
Well, here you go. It's all yours. Take good care of it.
Thanks, Dad. It's, uh, very generous of you. But, you know,
I-I don't need the B.M.W. anymore.
Les!
I already have a Mercedes.
Don't wait up, guys! [ Chuckles ]
♪ Get outta my dreams ♪
♪ Get into my car ♪
♪ Get outta my dreams ♪
♪ Get in the backseat, baby ♪
♪ Beep, beep, yeah ♪
♪ Get outta my mind ♪
♪ Get into my life ♪
♪ Oh, I said Hey, you ♪
♪ Get into my car ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Lady driver ♪
♪ Let me take your wheel ♪
♪ Smooth operator ♪
♪ Touch my bumper ♪
♪ Hey, let's make a deal ♪
♪ Make it real ♪
♪ Like a roadrunner coming after you ♪
♪ Just like a hero ♪
♪ Outta the blue ♪
♪ I'll be your nonstop lover ♪
♪ Get it while you can ♪
♪ Your nonstop miracle ♪
♪ I'm your man ♪
♪ Get outta my dreams ♪
♪ Get into my car ♪
♪ Get outta my dreams ♪
♪ Get in the backseat, baby ♪
♪ Beep, beep, yeah ♪
♪ Get outta my mind ♪
♪ Get into my life ♪
♪ Oh, I said Hey, you ♪
♪ Get into my car ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ Get in the back ♪
♪ Get on the track ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah Hey, hey ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Oooh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'll be the sun ♪
♪ Shining on you ♪
♪ Hey, Cinderella ♪
♪ Step in your shoe ♪
♪ I'll be your nonstop lover ♪
♪ Get it while you can ♪
♪ Your nonstop miracle ♪
♪ I'm your man ♪
♪ Get outta my ♪
♪ Get outta my dreams ♪
♪ Get into my car ♪
♪ Get outta my dreams ♪
♪ Get in the backseat, baby ♪
♪ Beep, beep, yeah ♪
♪ Get outta my mind ♪
♪ Get into my life ♪
♪ Oh, I said Hey, you ♪
♪ Get into my ♪
♪ Hey, you ♪
♪ Get into my Hey, you ♪
♪ Get in the backseat, baby ♪
♪ Get in the backseat ♪
♪ I'll be in the backseat ♪
♪ Get in the backseat ♪
♪ Get in the backseat ♪
♪ 'Cause I hoped you'd be my baby ♪
♪♪ [ Fades ]