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Plagiarize
Plagiarize
Let no one else's work evade your eyes.
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes.
So don't shade your eyes.
But plagiarize plagiarize plagiarize.
Only be sure always to call it please research.
There he goes.
I hope he has a good time.
He was so disappointed
that he wasn't going to be able
to go out with his friends tonight.
He had four research papers to do this week.
Of course, he's had over a month to do them.
They're due on Monday and he hasn't started them yet.
I couldn't bear to see him so depressed,
so I helped him out.
I gave him a little friendly advice.
He never would have been able to go out tonight
if it wasn't for me.
He was so appreciative.
He gave me his soul.
It was so easy.
All I did was teach him how to plagiarize.
He finished all four papers in under an hour
and now he's out with his friends having a good time.
The first paper was the toughest one.
It was a psychology case study.
If he would have completed it himself
the research alone would have taken two weeks.
That's a lot of video games he never would have been able to play
without my help.
I suggested he buy a completed project off the Internet.
It's such an unscrupulous way to cheat.
He never would have thought of that himself.
It cost him fifty dollars,
but it has an excellent bibliography.
He was really impressed with it.
At the very least he's going to fail the course
and have to take it over again.
His parents are going to be furious.
There's a big risk that he might even get suspended
from the university.
Of course, he never read the student handbook,
or the code of conduct.
I can't believe he fell for that one.
How did he not know that was wrong?
It was almost too easy.
If he would only have budgeted his time wisely,
he could have completed that paper himself.
He's a smart boy, actually.
He just prefers playing video games to going to the library.
Look at him over there, in line to get into that exclusive club.
He wouldn't be out here chatting up that cute girl without my help.
Oh look, he's asking her if he can borrow her cell phone
to call and check on his sick mother.
Now he's secretly dialing his own cell phone number
so his caller ID will capture her phone number.
I taught him that.
I'm so proud of him right now.
He's having a wonderful time tonight.
And that's the important thing, right?
The second paper was for a science class.
He wrote a paper that assembled theories about global warming.
He actually wrote that paper himself.
He even went to the library
and photocopied a bunch of journal articles
and highlighted the main points
of some of the most prevalent theories on the topic.
Of course, he didn't cite any of them in his paper.
Not one source.
If you read the paper it sounds like all the ideas were his.
It makes him sound like a brilliant thinker;
a genius mind ahead of his time.
He's quite proud of himself.
I told him I thought the paper was spectacular and very well written.
You should have seen the look on his face.
I haven't seen anyone so proud
of passing off someone else's hard work
as their own since I told that young art student
to copy some popular landscape paintings
and send them to a prestigious Austrian art school in Vienna.
Ah, those were good times.
Global warming is nothing compared to the heat
he's going to get when he turns in that paper.
And I know a thing or two about heat.
Anyway, he'll probably have to revise that paper.
If the science teacher doesn't find out about the other research papers
he's plagiarized for other classes,
he'll probably give him a second chance.
Of course, if word gets out, he could fail this course too.
And I suppose he might get suspended from the university.
There's always that risk.
But it's not the end of the world.
That reminds me.
I've got a plague to start on Tuesday.
I should get started on that.
But first, I'm going to see how my boy is doing.
Oh look.
He's staggering out of that club now.
Uh oh.
Look out for that...
streetlight.
That's going to leave a mark.
Anyway...
He already had that paper completed.
All he had to do was write some footnotes and a bibliography
crediting his sources and all would have been well.
Oh well.
Live and learn, right?
The next paper he had to do was a book report on Dante's Inferno.
Ah, Dante.
What a kidder.
Good chess player, too.
But I digress.
Of course the kid never read the book.
He did play the video game version.
That should count for something, right?
He paraphrased most of the paper from a Wikipedia article.
Isn't the Internet grand!
It's amazing what you can do these days
with a broadband connection and a thesaurus.
Patchwriting is a huge problem in universities these days.
The kids learn how to do it in high school
and they rarely get caught at that level.
I didn't even have to help him with that one.
He came up with the idea all on his own.
I doubt he even realizes that
patchwriting is a form of plagiarism at all.
Of course, his literature professor wrote that Wikipedia article,
so he's going to recognize the structure of his own work right away.
I doubt he's going to give the kid a second chance.
He's seen his own work cross his desk in various forms too many times.
Poor guy.
He's really becoming jaded and bitter.
One of these days he's going to do something drastic.
It happens to the best of them eventually.
Too many tortured metaphors,
too many sentence fragments,
too many misspelled homonyms.
And don't even mention passive voice to an English professor.
I like to do that.
It makes the veins on their forehead stick out.
Some of my best lieutenants are former literature professors.
The last paper he had to write
was a report about the fall of the Roman Empire.
There was just no time left.
I reminded him that he had to write a similar paper
last semester for another history class.
Why not just hand in the same paper again?
He had to make a few changes here and there,
but it sure saved a lot of time.
He plagiarized himself!
Hahahaha!
Originally, it was a good paper; very creative.
He came up with a lot of good ideas and organized them creatively.
I suppose he has no idea that he can cite himself as a reference
in a subsequent work.
It would have been so easy to do.
It wouldn't have taken that much more time, really.
But hey.
We all have our priorities, right?
Of course,
if he wanted a really good paper on the fall of the Roman Empire,
he could have interviewed me.
Now they knew how to throw a party!
I really miss those guys.
And Livia. My dear sweet Livia.
Where was I?
Oh yes.
Our boy.
Let's see what he's up to now.
Another club?
Oh, here he comes.
He doesn't look so good.
People shouldn't normally be green, should they?
Oh. Eeeew.
That was his favorite shirt, too.
Well, I had better make sure he gets home safe.
He's not going to be feeling very well tomorrow.
It's a good thing all his papers are finished.
It's a shame he's not going to be able to remember anything.
He had a really nice time tonight.
He won't remember why there is an unknown cell phone number
in his phone.
He'll delete it because he doesn't recognize it.
Too bad. She was a nice girl.
Luckily his friends will record all of this
on their phones and upload video on Facebook.
Then when he gets kicked out of school and has to find a job,
his potential employer will find all of tonight's videos
with an easy Google search.
Twenty years from now
when he's still living in his parents' basement
he won't remember this weekend.
In one day he destroyed his academic career,
missed out on the love of a decent woman,
and lost the chance at a rewarding and fulfilling career.
My work here is done.
I should be going now.
I've been standing in this crossroads long enough.
I'm blocking traffic.
Ooh look, an athlete.
I think I need to tell him about the advantages
of using performance enhancing pharmaceuticals.
If you will excuse me, please.
It was lovely talking to you.
Have a wonderful evening.
I'll see you later.